Chapter 2: As I Sat Sadly By Her Side
In which some people deal with Buffy's death better than others.

Tara awoke knowing someone was in the room with her. A smile started to spread across her face – she knew Willow had spent a lot of time watching her sleep lately. She had been so tired... and she had had to dream. To heal her shattered mind, piece her entire life back together in the right order again, relive it all from her earliest memories, through the bad years, escaping her family, meeting Willow, learning to live and trust again, and then the madness of the last days and the shock that came directly after it. So many painful memories to sort through to get to the good parts... but that made them shine so much brighter. They'd made love last night, for what had felt like the first time in months, holding onto each other like they were drowning, both of them coming hard like everything good and bad that had happened focused into one moment... it wasn't about comfort and tenderness yet, just release. She hadn't realised how weak she'd been until she felt how strong Willow was... and how much she was able to share it with her. Part of her felt stronger than ever before. And drowsy or not, she wouldn't say no to another pick-me-up. Maybe even return the favor.

Then she remembered. Willow was in LA
(Just for the day, baby, I promise I'll be right back)
and also, obviously, Willow wasn't a 51-year-old Englishman in bad need of a shave, some black coffee and a good night's rest. Since the battle, Giles had spent most of his time forming a deep meaningful friendship with Mr. Johnnie Walker, but he seemed relatively clear-headed now – still reeling from his loss, but sober. Ish.

"Giles? I-is everything allright?"

"Oh, yes, fine, fine." He immediately winced at his own automatic response; it was obvious he was far from "fine". "How are you feeling?"

"Um... I still can't use my hand... much. But otherwise... I'm sorry I haven't been much use these last few days..." She realised how stupid it sounded. This was Giles, he was a good man, he wouldn't blame her for being sick. That's the old pre-Willow Tara talking.

Giles hardly seemed to notice, though. He was staring right through her, looking older than she'd ever seen him. Buffy's death had left him completely devastated. "Look, Tara – " She smiled as another memory clicked; she'd always loved the way he pronounced her name, Taahra. "I don't know if this is something you want to talk about, and I hate to ask you, but I really have to know... how much you remember of what happened while you were..." he couldn't bring himself to use the word "insane".

She had to think about how to answer him. "It's difficult to explain. It was like... all my senses were lying to me, and I knew it, but couldn't find anything that was true to hold on to... I had to fight for my mind every single second, and kept losing." She shrugged. "I-I remember things, but I don't know how much of it really happened."

"But you remember what you told me? Before we went to battle? Because I need to know... if you saw something, if you knew what would happen..."

Tara knew what he was getting at, but didn't really want to go there. "Giles... you have to understand that I'm not really a pre-cog. I can't 'tell' the future, it's just that sometimes I get... feelings, notions, flashes, all very abstract. My mother could tell fortunes, and sometimes I can too, but it's usually unimportant things and only a little better than, well, guessing. If I knew something... saw something... I don't remember what."

"But you called me a killer. Surely you must have meant... I was supposed to take care of her, and now..."

"Please, Giles, listen to me. I don't know what I saw then, but I know what I've seen ever since I've known you and Buffy. You have to stop torturing yourself: you did NOT kill her. You did not let her down. She made a hard choice, she got to pick how she went on. That's more than most people ever get. But the rest of us are still here, and we're all going to find some way of dealing. It's going to be hard – especially on you, Dawn and Willow – but..." She reached out and put her hands around his. "She was like a daughter to you, Giles. She loved you. You loved her. It's natural to feel guilty, to think of what you might have done; it's supposed to be hard to lose someone. But it's also what makes it special to have had them."

Giles nodded and forced a smile. He had a feeling she wasn't telling him everything, but it was good to hear it. All the same, he'd had enough of the subject for now. "I-I wouldn't be too worried about Willow, though. I don't think I've ever told anyone this, and a couple of years ago I certainly never thought I would, but Willow is possibly the strongest person I've ever met. I've known her for five years now, and she keeps surprising me... the more that is required of her, the more she rises to the challenge."

Tara broke eye contact, looking down at her hands. "I know. That's what worries me..."