Chapter 3

Lily cried and cried until she felt the spot that she had buried herself on James's shirt become very wet. She stopped crying and pulled away from James's embrace.

"I'm s-s-sorry," she said, wiping the tears away.

James gave her a small smile. "Lily, it's fine."

"No, it's not. I should be strong. I don't know why I broke down," she said, stubbornly, sticking out her chin.

"Lily, I said it's fine. Everyone can't be strong all the time," he said, wiping away the remaining tears on her soft face.

Lily gave him a small smile. "Thank you, James. If you don't mind, I'm quite tired. Would you mind if I slept in your bed?"

James shook his head. "Go ahead. I'll go sleep in Sirius's room or something," he said, getting up to leave.

She grabbed his arm. "No, James," she begged, then let go, obviously surprised at her action.

James gave her a smile. "Are you sure that's what you want?"

She hesitated, biting her lip, unsure if she should admit she wanted to sleep in his arms. Finally, she gave in. "Well, only if you don't mind."

"Why would I mind? A lovely girl is asking me to comfort her. Of course I'll stay, and I can promise there will be no funny business."

Lily giggled slightly, moving over to give the raven-haired boy some room on his own bed. He lay next to her and wrapped his arms around her middle.

All of a sudden, a pain gripped her heart, but before she could cry out, everything went black.

----

"Don't they look cute together?" asked Sirius, opening the door to his best friend's room. The two were still sleeping peacefully.

Remus nodded. "They should be together. James can comfort Lily in ways she'll never know and Lily makes James whole."

Sirius for once was being mature. "I really hope Lily realizes that James is for real. He needs to be with her, even if they both don't see how much. I can tell it's tearing him up inside that she hates him." Remus was shocked that his friend was being so caring and not totally immature. Maybe his good ways were starting to rub off on him... "But if she doesn't figure it out soon, we'll have to lock then in a room together and make them snog or something," he added.

"Or not," Remus thought.

-----

Lily woke up and snuggled closer to the warm blankets that seemed to hold her tight. She took a deep breath and smelt something familiar, yet it seemed unfamiliar also. She took another sniff at she knew she had smelt this somewhere before.

It was oh so intoxicating too.

She opened her eyes, prepared to see the darkness on her green walls, but instead was engulfed in a dark material. She quickly realized that she was not at home, and the memories from the night before came back. She now remembered that she was at James's house, and more specifically in his arms. The pain from the night before was forgotten.

She quickly pulled away from James's embrace and noticed his eyes flickering open.

"Hullo," Lily said.

James looked at her awkwardly. "Lily, why are you in my bed?" he asked, though he was smiling sleepily. "Wait, this is just a dream. Too bad," he mumbled before closing his eyes once more.

Lily giggled as she remembered him doing that yesterday when she first arrived. The red-head poked him in the ribs. "It's really me."

James opened his eyes again and he remembered why Lily was there. "See, there was no funny business."

Lily scoffed. "You're right. Now, if you don't mind, please take your hand off my bum."

James blushed lightly and took his hand away. "Sorry," he mumbled. Lily smiled and got out of bed, noticing that she still had the clothes from the night before on, and that she was a little stinky. She was in desperate need of a bath and a change of clothes.

James seemed to know what she was thinking. "How about I show you were the loos are?"

Lily nodded. "Please."

As the two came out of James's room, Sirius popped up seemingly out of nowhere.

"So, what were you two doing last night?"

"Nothing," both said in unison.

"Of course you were!" said Sirius, winking exaggeratedly at Lily.

"Sirius Black, we were not doing anything but sleeping!" She was clearly grumpy that Sirius was bugging her this early in the morning.

"Oh come off it Padfoot. We both saw them last night, asleep," said Remus, coming out of his room.

"Moony!" Sirius exclaimed, "I was trying to bug Evans and there you go and mess it all up."

Remus looked at Lily's annoyed face. "I don't think it was working too well. How about we just go off and let her go about her morning in peace."

"Fine, fine," Sirius grumbled.

-----

After Lily had taken a nice, relaxing bath and changed into a pair of old jean shorts with a thin long sleeve shirt, she made her way downstairs. The boys were already at the kitchen table, talking about the latest Qudditch game.

Mrs. Potter entered, carrying food trays full of breakfast goodies. She placed them on the table, and the boys tried lunging for them. The older woman was quicker than they and they seemed to freeze in mid-grab.

"Lily dear, since you are the guest, I suggest you get the first plate of food. These boys don't seem to know their manners well enough, so they can wait," she told the red-head. In an undertone, she added, "Take as much bacon as you want, because I noticed the boys are getting a little round around the tummy from their constant bacon cravings."

Lily smiled, and pilled up her plate with eggs, scones, bacon (she took an extra helping of the meat under Mrs. Potter's orders), and an assortment of fruit before happily digging in to the wonderful meal. She could feel the eyes of all three boys (whom Mrs. Potter had not unfrozen yet) watch her as she ate her bacon.

Once Lily and Mrs. Potter had finished their eggs and bacon, the older woman unfroze the boys so that they could have their turn at the food. As they fought over who got the last piece of bacon, three owls came soaring through the window, mail attached to their legs. Two went to Mrs. Potter, and the other to Lily.

Mrs. Potter opened the letter that was addressed to her first, reading its content and putting it aside. She then opened the paper and read the front page. Her lips were pursed and her face was turning pale.

Lily didn't notice; she just stared at her letter with shaking hands. It had the Ministry of Magic's seal on the letter and she was fearful as to what the content was. She wasn't underage, so she had not broken any magic laws. She hadn't hurt any Muggles with her magic, so that couldn't be it either. A voice broke through her thoughts. "Lily dear, I think you should open that letter."

"I can't," replied the red-head. "I just can't."

James gently pried it from her grasp, and broke the seal. He read it carefully, his face growing pale, his mouth turned downwards. "Lil, I don't know how to tell you this..."

"They're dead, aren't they?" She had had a feeling. Last night, that pain. They were dying while she indulged herself in the sin of desire, wanting, feeling.

James didn't answer her, so she looked up at him, and he nodded. "I'm so sorry."

Lily grabbed the letter back from his grasp. "I'm not."

And with that, she was out the door.

-----

Lily was usually the type that admired beauty. Real, natural beauty. The Potters backyard could be considered beautiful, yet the red-head did not slow her stride to marvel at it. She was headed straight forwards, not knowing where she was really going, just knowing she was going to get somewhere.

She finally found a willow tree, which looked inviting and friendly. She climbed up the branches until she could go no higher. She sat there for a while, hugging her body close. The crinkled letter was still her in her hand. Before she could stop herself, she read the letter.

There wasn't that much to it. It was informing her that yesterday, her parents were killed around 10 o'clock. They were the only ones home, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had sent his Death-Eaters to go in and kill everyone. When the Ministry got there, there was nothing they could do, blah blah blah. Lily sneered at how sincere it was supposed to sound. She could have gotten more out of the article that was surely in the newspaper this morning.

Suddenly, her face felt wet. Was she crying? She placed her fingers to her face and found that, yes, she was crying. But why? Sure, she felt bad that her Mum was dead; she did truly love her. But her Dad was cruel and mean, not to mention that he had abused her and was an alcoholic who didn't seem to care about anyone or anything besides getting his next ale. Her sister would hate her even more now, when she found out that the death was magic-related.

Lily sobered up, remembering how pathetic her life was. She was free now. She could begin again, start anew. She knew her mother had left a bit of money in a trust for her (her father didn't know about it) and she would be allowed to access it when she turned 18. She would have to wait only a few months.

The red-head looked down at the letter, and with one swift motion, she ripped it in two. Then four, then a few times more before letting the wind carry the tiny pieces of parchment off in whatever direction it was going.

She knew what she had to do. Fate had let this happen. Fate had led her right to James Potter's door. He had welcomed her with (literally) open arms, a warm bed, and food. Maybe he wasn't as bad as she thought he was. Maybe they could call truce, become friends. She could be the fifth (and only girl) Marauder. They could play pranks on the people they disliked while still being the coolest people around.

Maybe she could even learn to love James.

The thought hit her with such force she nearly fell out of the tree.

----

"James, I think you should go after her," Mrs. Potter said.

"But she hates me!"

"If she hated you, why would she stay here and fall asleep in your arms?" asked Remus, speaking too low for Mrs. Potter to hear.

James sighed. "I guess you're right."

"Why don't you go give her a quick snog to let her forget her worries?" suggested Sirius.

"Sirius!" James, Remus and Mrs. Potter yelled in unison, appalled at his suggestion.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"Do not ever let me catch you telling my son that snogging will help someone," said Mrs. Potter. "A girl in mourning is vulnerable, and not to be taken advantage of." She seemed to be the only one who could talk some sense into her adoptive son.

"Yes, Mum," he said, downcasting his eyes.

James sighed and stood up. "I'll go find Lily," he declared.

----

James walked in the direction he had seen Lily walk. He found pieces of paper, lying on the soft grass and followed the trail it made.

Finally, he found the red-headed girl sitting alone in the tree. She was murmuring to herself, and all he could hear was the word, "why?"

"Lily? You up there?" James called out.

"Yeah... you can come up if you feel like it," she called back down to him. In just a few moments, he had scrambled up the tree next to her. "Hullo."

"Hullo." After a moment, he asked her, "How are you holding up?"

She shrugged. "Fine. The only thing I regret is not telling my mother I loved her."

"That's all?" When she nodded, he frowned. "You didn't love your father? Your sister?'

"Once I did. Once, I believed that everything could end up correcting itself. I believed that when I became a witch, I could fix them, make them love me again. I was too young to realize that they never loved me. I was just there, a person whom they lived with. A person to get beer, to be a punching bag, to be blamed for everything that went wrong. I was just the second child, an after thought. My mother was the only one who loved me, and to this day is still the only one to love me."

"Lil, there are many people who love you. Your friends, for one." Lily scoffed at this, but did not elaborate. "Lily, we love you. Remus, Sirius, my Mum, and me. Especially me, Lils. I love you very much."

"And I'm the Minister of Magic."

"Why are you so cynical all the time? Why don't you believe me?"

"Because I'll my life I've been told I'm worthless, that I'm not good at anything, that people don't like me, they just pity me. The only person who truly loved me is dead and gone; I have every right in the world to be cynical."

"I'm not saying you aren't allowed to be angry. I'm asking you if it would be so hard to let someone else love you. To let someone else hold you when you're sad and wipe away the tears from you face. Can't you let me in? I'm desperately trying to find a way inside your heart, to find out who you really are underneath all those layers of anger, mistrust, and unhappiness. I want to find the real you. I know you're in there, somewhere."

"This is who I am, James. I am no one else. If you don't like it, then screw you." Lily jumped down from the tree, her red hair flying after her. She landed with a thump on the ground. James followed her.

"Lily, stop. I'm not finished talking to you."

"Yeah, well I am." She was about to walk away when she felt his hand on her wrist. "Potter, don't you dare hold me back. Let go of me this moment, or I swear I will scream."

"Will you just listen, for a moment?" When she didn't answer him, he added, "please?" He relaxed the grip on her wrist without letting it go completely.

"You have one minute to explain yourself before I blow your head off."

----

In the house, Remus and Sirius had been watching them through binoculars.

"Ha Moony, you owe me 10 galleons!" said Sirius happily, passing the binoculars to his friend.

Remus smiled. "Are you sure about that? You bet that they would start fighting in 5 hours exactly, and look at that! It's been over 5 hours. So you owe me the money."

Sirius pouted. "Fine, here you go!" he grumbled, handing Remus money from his pocket.

"Now, don't you think we should go help them out?"

Sirius laughed. "If you want to get yourself into the fight, be my guest. But I'm not getting my head ripped off, especially since I need it to snog all the girls at Hogwarts."

Remus shook his head. "Is that all you think about?"

Sirius smiled. "You know it!"

----

"Lily, a minute would never be enough to explain my heart. It's so complicated that well, even I don't understand myself. When I'm around you, I get these urges..."

"Potter, don't you dare continue that line of thought!"

"No, no! Not those kind of urges... okay well sometimes, cause obviously, you're a beautiful girl, but I mean... No, Lily wait! Just listen."

"Time's running out for your explanation."

"I love you Lily, whether you realize it or not. I would give my life to save yours, and I would do anything for you to love me back! I would move mountains and stars just for you to smile at me. I know I can be a prat--"

"That's an understatement, more like a toe-ragged--"

"--but that's not the point. The point is, all those other girls at school that I've been with, or glanced at, they were nothing compared to you. I was trying to get over your rejections with other girls, hoping to find one just as perfect, just as amazing and beautiful. But I didn't, Lily. Things turned dark after that."

"Are you trying to guilt me into this? Are you trying to make me pity you? Because I can tell you it's not working. I don't care about your conquests, I don't care what you did to yourself, because as much as you try to play it down, your life is still so much better than a lot of people's, including mine."

"Lily, my life isn't as glamorous as it seems. Just because something seems perfect doesn't mean it is. Just because I play the part of the happy Quidditch Captain, doesn't mean that I am. Just because I don't look depressed, doesn't mean I'm not."

"I highly doubt you cut yourself just to take away the pain. I doubt you wonder every night if maybe tonight's the night you'll finally bleed to death and get it over with because you're too scared to jump off the tower," Lily spat at him.

"I doubt you know what it's like having alcohol poisoning and not remembering why you drank in the first place until you've drank another bottle of firewhisky to ease the fire of your heart. I doubt you know what it's like having friends worry over you every day, wondering if you'll make it through next time around," James retorted.

Lily began laughing mirthlessly. "Believe me, I don't know what it's like having friends worrying. I don't know the harsh taste of firewhisky because I do not want to become my father. But I do know what it's like not wanting to remember, wanting to do what causes you so much pain yet so much relieve. I know more than you know."

With that, she smartly turned her heel, pulling out her wrist from his grasp, and marched towards the house.

"Bloody hell," James swore. When Lily was safely inside, he screamed those words over and over again until his throat was raw.

-----

From inside the house, Lily placed her hand on the window, to cover James' body. "I'm so sorry," she said, before making her way up to her room.

Author's note: Good? Bad? Okay? Review please and be nice with the flames