Chapter 4

James sat near the tree again and tried to make sense of the fight he and Lily had just had. He knew he had messed up, big time at that, but did she believe that he loved her? Maybe, maybe not. James sighed. "I need a Lily handbook," he muttered in frustration.

"That won't do you any good. Lily's too complicated to be put into a book," said Remus, coming up behind James. The raven haired boy looked up and gave his friend a small smile.

"Hullo," said James.

"What were the two of you fighting about?" asked Remus, sitting down next to his friend.

"My profound and undying love for her and her inability to comprehend that someone actually loves her."

Remus smiled. "And how did she take it?"

James sighed. "Like she always does. But this time, I think something was different. I'm not sure how to describe it, but the way she looked at me after, it was almost as if she's starting to believe me."

"That's a good thing," he said.

James nodded. "Yes, it is," he said. And with that, he walked back into the house, Remus following closely behind.

----

Lily sat at her bed, fiddling with the plaster on her wrist. She thought of her latest fight with James. Did he really love her? She had looked into his eyes when he said it, and he seemed so sincere. To Lily, if felt as if James was different somehow, maybe more mature. "More mature?" snorted Lily. "Potter will never become more mature."

"Lily, can I come in?" asked Remus, knocking on Lily's door.

"Sure," she said, pushing down her sleeves and unlocking her door. She opened it and Remus stepped inside.

"How are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm doing better," she said, wiping a tear from her eye. Lily had started to write to her sister, telling her that she would be staying here with James until school started.

"What were you doing?" the werewolf asked, noticing the tear stained piece of parchment on the desk next to the window.

"Oh, I was writing a letter to my sister, telling her I'm staying here and that she'll never have to see me again, after the funeral," Lily stated as if it was a matter-of-fact thing.

"Ah, so I'm guessing the two of you don't get along much," said Remus.

Lily smiled. "Just about as much as Sirius gets along with Regulus and Bella."

Remus chuckled. "I see. Well, I think everyone in this house will agree with you, especially James."

"Remember when I got here, I said that there was three Potters in this house, but no one corrected me that Mr. Potter is dead. Why?" asked Lily.

Remus shrugged. "It wasn't our place to tell, although Sirius was supposed to break the news. He's not very bright sometimes."

Lily laughed. "I can't believe how much you lot make fun of one other."

Remus smiled. "It comes with the territory I guess."

Lily smiled and gave him a hug. "Thank you Remus," she said. Remus was taken back a little, but hugged the girl back nonetheless.

"You're welcome, but why are you thanking me?"

Lily pulled away. "Because you're the only sane one here that I can talk to, besides Mrs. Potter. And I don't think Mrs. Potter would like it too much if I talked about her in a not so nice way."

Remus nodded. "I see," he said. "Speaking of Mrs. Potter, she said that supper will be served in 10 minutes, if you want to eat. If not, she'll try to save you a slice for later." He smacked his lips and rubbed his hands. "Mrs. Potter's home cooked pizza is the best," he added.

Lily smiled. "I think I'll have just one piece."

----

"Oh, good. I thought that James and his friends would have scared you away by now. If he weren't my son, I would have run away a long time ago," said Mrs. Potter.

Lily smiled. "No, they haven't scared me off just yet."

She sat down next to Remus and Mrs. Potter cut her a slice of pizza. Lily looked down at her pizza and felt nauseous. She took a deep breath. The pizza smelt so good, yet to Lily, it was making her feel sick. Maybe she wasn't up to eating as much as she thought she was. She looked and saw that Sirius, Remus and Mrs. Potter were eating their pizza happily, whereas James was taking it slow, and staring at Lily, making sure she was okay. She gave him a weak smile and looked back down at her pizza slice. Another wave of nausea came over her and she got up and ran to the loo.

"What's wrong with Lily?" asked Sirius, watching Lily run away from the table.

"Maybe she was disgusted by the way you eat," said Remus, looking at Sirius's face, which was covered in tomato sauce. Sirius took a napkin and cleaned up the sauce.

"I think she's not feeling well," said James. "I saw her looking rather sick before."

"That's perfectly normal. When your father died, I didn't eat for two weeks anything solid. I didn't expect Lily to eat much," said Mrs. Potter.

James got up. "I'm going to go check on her," he said, before leaving the room.

---

He walked towards the loo and heard Lily sobbing in it. He knocked on the door. "Go away," Lily cried.

"Lily, it's me, James. Please open the door," he said. He heard Lily get up and unlock the door. Her face was pale and tear-stained.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Do I look okay?" snapped Lily.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to help," James said.

Lily sighed. "Fine."

"Okay." said James. "So, you're not hungry eh? Did Sirius gross you out? Because if he did, all I can tell you is not to look at him while he's eating."

Lily smiled weakly. "I think I'm going to go to bed," she said. She walked out of the loo and proceeded to her room. James accompanied her to her door.

"I'll go tell Mum that you're lying down. If you need anything, you can come and get me in my room, at anytime," James said. Lily smiled and went into her room. James smiled back and walked away. Lily closed the door and sighed.

-----

James walked back downstairs and Sirius was still eating. "Is Lily okay dear?" asked Mrs. Potter.

"Yes, she's okay; she's just lying down," replied James. He looked at Sirius in disgust. "Sirius, how can you still be stuffing your face? I was gone for like half an hour!" James cried, flinging his hands up in the air.

Sirius shrugged. "I'm a growing boy."

James rolled his eyes.

"How much more can you grow?" asked Remus.

"I dunno," stated Sirius, shoving another piece of the cheesy pie in his mouth.

---

"Maybe, just maybe, James can help me out."

Lily was pacing her room, talking out loud to herself. She had always found that when you speak your thoughts, even if no one can hear you, everything seems to be better.

"But how would James help me? He can't bring back my parents, he can't make my sister like me, and he can't make the pain go away... wait. Maybe he can."

Her heart was broken in a million pieces, but maybe James could help her fix it.

---

James lay on his bed thinking of Lily. He had sworn that he would die a thousand deaths for her before she would ever get hurt, but he had failed. He was unable to prevent the heartache Lily was going through, even if she didn't show how much she hurt. James wanted to help Lily through this, but he didn't know how.

When his father died, all he wanted was someone to take away the pain. Make it go away. But James had no idea how to do that to Lily. You could not wave a magic wand and make it go away, even when you had a real magic wand. She was not like him. James thought about ways to help Lily when he heard the door open.

----

Lily had gotten undressed from her clothes and put on her nightgown. The silky material was inches higher than her knees. The top had spaghetti straps and was a pale green. Lily brushed her red hair and took off the plaster, carefully concealing what lay underneath with a spell. What she was about to do was wrong, and she knew it. Yet, somehow, Lily felt like it might be the only that would help her heal.

To Lily, it was a 50/50 chance. She could either heal her heart or break it even more. But, the red-head was willing to take that chance. Nothing could top the feeling of emptiness given to her by the death of her parents. She quietly snuck out of her room and made her way towards James's room. She quietly opened the door and walked in.

----

"Lily? Is that you?" asked James, squinting in the dark.

"Shh, yes it is," whispered Lily. She found her way to James' bed and sat down. She could smell his sheets and she felt her heart leap.

"What's up?" he asked, putting his hand on her shoulder.

Lily took a deep breath. "James, you know before, when you told me that you would do anything to help me?"

James nodded but then realized that Lily probably couldn't see him so he said, "Yes."

Lily took another deep breath. It's now or never, she thought. "James, I want you to have sex with me."

James's eyes grew wide and his mouth was hanging slightly open. "What?" he asked, making sure this was not a dream, or a misunderstanding.

"Have sex with me," Lily repeated.

James couldn't believe it. But yet, as he fiddled with Lily's red locks, he knew this wasn't a dream.

"I'm sorry Lily, but I can't," said James sadly. He would love nothing more than to fulfill her wish, but he knew that she wasn't in her right mind. She was grieving.

"What, you don't want to? I thought you loved me! I should have known better than to have asked you," cried Lily.

"Lily, wait!" said James, but Lily wasn't paying attention. She ran out of his room and ran right into hers.

Lily ran into her room and locked the door. "James doesn't love me! I should have known he hasn't changed. All that crap he said about wasn't true! No one likes me. My sister hates me, my parents are dead, the people I thought were my friends turned out to be fakers, but most of all James doesn't love me. He only told me that so that he could brag to everyone that I fell for him! I hate my bloody life!" cried Lily.

She heard a faint knocking on the door and what sounded like James's voice telling her to open the door. But she didn't care. She grabbed the vase on the table and smashed it. She took a particularly sharp shard and held it above her wrist.

"No one would care, no one would notice," she sobbed. With that, she ran the broken vase over her wrist and it slowly began to bleed.

----

James jumped out of bed and ran after Lily, but she had locked the door. James ran back into his room and looked for his wand. "Damn wand is never where I last put it," he muttered, "and how can you do an Accio spell for it if you don't have it in the first place?" He finally found it under his bed and ran back to Lily's door.

He knocked on the door. "Lily, open up. I know you're in there," he shouted.

He heard was sounded like a vase breaking and Lily crying harder. He heard her say, "No one would care, no one would notice."

James pointed his wand at the door and muttered, "Alohamora!" The door opened and the raven-haired boy rushed inside.

Lily's wrists were covered in blood and Lily was shaking, the pieces of the broken vase still in her hand. "I would notice and I would care," he whispered in her ear, before lifting her off the ground, bridal style, and brought her to the washroom.

He put down the seat and sat her down. He took a towel and pressed it softly but firmly on her opened wrists. "Lily, why did you do this?" he asked.

Tears fell from Lily's eyes. "No one cares about me. You said you loved me, but you don't want prove it," she said.

James sighed. He applied some Ditanny, waved his wand and closed off the blood vessels, very thankful that he had learnt that healing spell this year.

The psychology of the situation bothered him more.

Should he tell the others about the attempted suicide, in case she tried again and he wasn't there? But, he came to the conclusion that it was not his place to tell, even if they were his best friends. If she wanted to explain it to them, she could. If she didn't, it didn't matter.

If Lily cared to share with the others, she could do so. If not, he would keep it between them… for now. However, if she tried again though, he might be forced to take some action.

"I didn't mean I didn't want to. All I meant was not tonight. Lily, look at you. You're in a muddle. You've just lost your parents, and your sister doesn't want to see you again. You're not yourself right now. Lily, I don't want to just have sex. Sex is meaningless; it's just the physical act. I want to make love with you, passionate and loving. I want you to be in love with me, not to just love the idea. If I were to have taken up your proposition, we would both feel guilty in the morning and nothing would have been solved."

Lily cried some more. "I'm sorry," she whispered in a barely audible whisper.

But James heard it. He lifted Lily's chin. "Lily, love, never ever scare me like that again. When I saw you slicing your wrist, I felt like I was hit full on with some curse. Lily, I could never live without you."

"You really mean that? You really love me?"

James smiled and wiped the tears from her cheek. "Yes, I do. Don't ever doubt my love for you. If I didn't love you and respect you, we would be, well you know, in my bed right now."

Lily hiccupped and chuckled softly. "Can I at least sleep in your bed with you tonight?" After a moments pause, she clarified her reason. "I don't feel like being alone."

James thought for a moment before replying, "Anything for you, Lily, love."

Author's note: Yes, a bit dark, or so I think, but things will get a bit better now. Or, at least I think they will. I let my fingers write (okay that sounds weird but whatever) and sometimes things don't turn out the way you planned. Hell, nothing turns out how they planned. Please review and be nice with the flames. Just remember: If you have nothing nice to say, why say it at all?