Chapter 5

Lily fell asleep almost instantly, but James was scared. He was scared about what Lily had done, or rather tried to do.

He was also angry.

Angry that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had killed Lily's parents, even if Lily wasn't very close to her father. He was angry that Lily's sister treated her like dirt. But mostly, James was angry that Lily had tried to hurt herself.

Okay, so she lost her parents and her sister hated her. It was a reason, but not a good enough one in his mind.

She had friends, right? But something about the way Lily reacted whenever her two friends were mentioned made James think that there was something wrong. There was no love in her eyes when she spoke of Laura and Meagan. Was there something he was missing?

At least she had him, and the Marauders. He would always be there for her; he loved her after all. And, even though he wasn't always perfect, the bespectacled boy hoped that one day she could see through it all and love him for who he was. To open up to him and show him her pains. He didn't want her to bear all her burdens; after all that happened today, he could only wonder how much pain could cause her to attempt suicide.

James finally fell asleep, but slept fitfully.

----

When Lily woke up, she felt crushed, but soon realized that it was James' arms that were wrapped tightly around her, as if for protection. Her wrist was throbbing, but that pain was almost like a comfort to her; as if to realize that she could still feel, bleed, and ache.

Was she a masochist? The word would mean nothing to most wizards, but she had read about it in Muggle psychology books. Cutting your wrists sounded cracked, but the pain was replaced with endorphins and then pleasure ensured… or so the books said.

Thinking of herself as hungry for endorphins was a lot easy than admitting that she had just tried to terminate her own existence.

James shifted behind her, releasing her for a moment to stretch. She quickly moved away from his body, shivering a little from the loss of heat. She turned around so that she was facing him and noticed him looking slightly confused.

"I'll have to get used to you being here… and waking up next to you," he said sleepily.

Lily bit her lip. "Yeah, me too."

James's eyes didn't have the spark they normally did though, and Lily was just waiting for him to bring up last night.

"Lily, I think we should change those bandages," said James.

"You tried to heal the cuts last night, but you didn't complete the job. I thought you were a great wizard, James."

"Well, I could have if I wanted to, but I thought a constant reminder of what you tried to throw away was a good way for you not to repeat it," replied James.

Lily was angry. "I'll do what I bloody well like. I don't need you to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing."

"What the hell were you thinking when you cut your damn wrists?" retorted James.

"I was thinking I could get away from it all!" There. She had said it.

"Get away from what? Your parents' death? Don't you get that if you die, You-know-who will win?"

"I don't care about Vold---"

"Don't say the name! Haven't you heard of the locator spell, that finds people who say his name? He's already targeted your family; do you want to bring him here?"

"Coward."

"I'm worried about saving YOUR life!"

Lily groaned. "James Potter, this has nothing to do with you!" she yelled.

"It has everything to do with me! I love you!"

"And I'll believe that when Sirius gets sent to Askaban for killing Peter!" she snapped.

"Fine, be like that. But before you storm off, you should know I don't regret saving your life, and I would do it again." He then lifted Lily off his bed, opened his door with an alohamora spell and set her down in the corridor. "But I would really like it if I didn't have to." He then closed the door on her.

-----

Lily sat blinking at the door for several minutes, before completely understanding what James had said.

"Are you going to knock or just sit there all morning?" asked Sirius, coming up behind Lily. She scrambled up and glared at Sirius. "Nice nighty," he added, smirking.

"Shut up," Lily snapped.

"What? You too nervous to knock? I'll do it!" Sirius said, taking a step forward.

"You knock on that door, and I'll make sure you never have kids, got it?" she warned.

"Oh come on. You wouldn't do that?"

"There are many things I would never think of doing, yet I've done them. Want to test me?" Lily snapped.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Like what? Snog Prongs?" asked Sirius.

"Think about kids."

"Oh, I think I can ward off a sterility spell."

Lily had heard enough, and she didn't need a stupid spell. She kicked him in the privates and cursed at him, Muggle-style. She stormed off leaving a very sore Sirius, on the floor. She opened her door and, just before closing it, made an obscene gesture.

----

James was regretting throwing Lily out. Yes, she was unpleasant to be near right now, but what if, in the privacy of her room, she tried to do herself in again? Nobody but he knew of the danger.

He thus sprang out of bed when he heard someone fall to the ground in the corridor. Worried that something had happened to Lily, he opened the door to find Sirius lying on the floor in front of the door. "What the hell happened to you?" asked James.

"Lily," Sirius groaned.

"Oh, that's a relief." If Lily was beating up Sirius then she was unlikely to be in the self-destructive mood still. "I thought somebody had gotten hurt." And he shut the door on the incapacitated Sirius.

----

"Stupid Potter, stupid Sirius, stupid house, stupid vase, stupid me," mumbled Lily, trying to find more things to call 'stupid'. She had used magic to fix the door and the vase, and changed into a pair of shorts with a tank top and a small jacket. She had decided to stay in her room for the rest of the day, maybe the rest of the week.

It was just plain unluckiness that Meagan wasn't home. She was about the only person that she actually felt liked by; but she also knew that Meagan was Laura's lapdog and if she went to Meagan's, Laura would for sure show up. She was the last person she felt like seeing right now.

She knew she couldn't go home, which was either burnt to the ground, for sale, still swarming with people from the government (whether magic or not) or her sister was living there with her blubber of a boyfriend.

Lily couldn't tell which was worst, and decided not to find out; her sister was sure to tell her at the funeral anyways.

Lily suddenly remembered that the funeral was going to be tomorrow, at their local cemetery. Her parents were to be buried next to their parents. Tears strung Lily's eyes. She got up and went to grab a book from her dresser. She looked at the cover of the book and sighed. "Maybe reading some Nancy Drew stories will make me feel better," she said, to no one in particular. She sat back down on the sofa she had been resting in and opened it. A small note was scribbled on the first page, the blank one.

"Dearest Lily,

We hope that this book will bring you much joy in your 5 th year at school. Think of us, your loving parents, as you read this book. Maybe one day, your father and I can buy you the entire collection.

Love,

Mother"

Lily's vision became blurry as she read and re-read the note. Maybe one day, your father and I can buy you the entire collection. Tears fell onto her cheeks, though Lily made no effort to wipe them off. She was missing two books to complete her collection. But her parents were never going to be the ones to help her finish it.

Lily sat up, full of pent up anger. She grabbed the book in her hand and threw it as hard as she could at the wall. She sat back down and more tears fell as Lily hugged her pillow closely.

Life was cruel and unfair. It had a strange sense of humor. Pain erupted from Lily's wrists as she ripped off the bandages. She gasped in horror at the scabs forming on her wrists. She had cut herself deeply, worst than most times. A faint memory of James breaking down the door crept into her mind as she stared at her now bleeding wrists.

She knew what she had to do, so she opened her door and walked towards James' room.

She knocked, but got no answer. She knocked once more, but yet he still did not answer.

"He's probably downstairs," she thought. She turned around and bumped right into Remus. "Oh, sorry," she mumbled.

"It's okay Lily... what happened to your wrist?" exclaimed Remus, noticing the now blood-stained sleeves of her jacket.

"Oh, nothing," replied Lily, quickly shoving her arms behind her back. She cursed herself for having forgotten to put on a plaster in her wrists in her haste.

"Lily, that is not nothing. Tell me," Remus insisted.

Lily shook her head. "Can you just go get him for me please?" she asked.

Remus nodded and headed for the stairs, without even asking who him was.

Lily walked back into her room and sat on the couch. The book was still on the floor and Lily had not bothered to pick it up again. Why should she? She knew she would probably just throw it again.

She sighed and rested her head against the back of the sofa. She closed her eyes and felt a longing to be in a certain black-haired boy's arms.

Her eyes suddenly jerked open. "What the hell?" she thought. "I did not just think that!"

James was nothing more than... wait? What was he? He was more than an acquaintance, but he was definitely not her friend.

Or was he?

Lily had no more time to ponder this question, because someone knocked on her door.

----

"Hey James, Lily wants you upstairs," said Remus, sitting down next to Sirius.

James looked up from his cereal that he didn't feel like eating. "What does she want?"

Remus was not sure how to answer that. Cursed with an incurable affliction himself, he could recognize that Lily had attempted suicide by slitting her wrists, and thought it crucial for somebody to be watch her. But he didn't want to snitch on her, either. Unfortunately his pause gave Sirius a chance to be "funny".

"I bet she wants to snog you... or maybe have her way with you!" said Sirius, winking.

James gave him a look of disgust. "Mate, you are insane."

"Well, then how come she was standing at your door this morning in a small nightly?" asked Sirius.

"She was in my room last night," answered James, but immediately regretted saying that.

"Oh! I get it now! You two did it last night!" Sirius exclaimed happily.

James groaned and shook his head. "No, we did not! She...um... felt lonely in her room," lied James, not wanting to repeat his entire conversation with his sick-minded friend.

"Lonely enough to snuggle up with you," retorted Sirius.

"James, I think Lily meant now!" Remus said, worried about the red-head upstairs. James nodded and left the table.

"Hopeless those two," said Sirius, once James had left the room.

"Sirius, think about it. Lily is mourning. She wants to be comforted because her sister couldn't give a damn. How would you feel if you lost everyone but a brother or sister that hated you?" Remus asked. Sirius gave him a look. "Alright, I guess that's a bad example. Okay, let's say that Mrs. Potter were to die and James hated you. Wouldn't you want someone to be there for you?" Remus asked again, trying to get his friend to understand Lily's dilemma.

"I guess," replied Sirius, turning his attention back to his half eaten breakfast. Remus supposed that Sirius would never comprehend throwing HIS life away.

----

"Lily, are you in there?" asked James, knocking on Lily's door.

"Hi James," she said, opening the door.

"Remus told me you wanted to see me."

Lily nodded. "I need help with the bandages. I can't wrap them tightly enough without bleeding all over the place," she said, keeping her gaze on the floor. She knew if she looked him in the eyes, her eyes were going to betray her need for comfort.

He had done so much for her, and all she had done was be mean to him, argue, be nice for two minutes, and then go back to snapping at him.

All in all, she didn't deserve his hospitality.

"Sure, let's go to the washroom," he said, heading towards the washroom.

"James, I'm sorry I've been mean with you," said Lily, sitting on the toilet bowl lid as she had the night before.

"It's understandable Lily. You just lost your parents. I just hope you realize that I'm not the person you think I am," replied James.

Lily gave him a small smile, but quickly sobered. "Thank you James, for everything. Did you tell Sirius and Remus about last night?"

"There you go, and no. It was not my place" he said, putting the finishing touches on her bandages. "Though I think they figured it out on their own."

"Thanks," replied Lily.

She wished he would just heal her already instead of having to go through this whole routine. But she knew if she were to heal herself, like she had done on countless occasions, James wouldn't be able to believe he was helping her.

And at the moment, she didn't exactly feel like telling him that.

----

"So, what did the love birds do upstairs?" asked Sirius, as both came down the stairs.

"Sirius, remember this morning, something involving my foot and you not being able to have kids?" asked Lily. Sirius nodded, paling slightly. "Don't forget it."

Sirius looked a tad bit scared.

"Who knew Lily could scare Sirius," said Remus, laughing.

"Who knew Lily could kick so hard," mumbled Sirius.

---

"James, tomorrow is my parents' funeral. I was hoping you'd come with me," asked Lily, later on in the evening.

James nodded. "Of course I'd come. I was planning on coming anyways. I couldn't leave you alone with your sister. Plus, you might not be able to Apparate by yourself, if you're distraught. We wouldn't want half of you to end up in Spain and the other half in Canada, or some silly little thing like that."

Lily gave him a small smile and went back into her room.

Author's note: Like it? By the way, this story isn't supposed to be hilariously funny. Some people have told me to add funny, but it's angsty. Be gentle on the flames. If you don't like my story, don't tell me! Keep evil comments to yourself!