Chapter 6-Bounty Hunters and Body Switches

'Auntie Trishie! Auntie Trishie!' Arson giddily called for his "aunt" and decided to roll down the stairs but ended up landing on his head. Trish looked up at him and growled savagely, looking pissed to say the least. 'What?' She growled again at him. Oblivious, Arson grinned at her. 'Lookee me!' He did a headstand, looking pleased with himself. Trish glared at him again, rolling her eyes.

'Wonderful…' she said in a way that sounded as though she didn't mean it. She ate a bit of chocolate and looked depressed. Arson toddled up to Dante and blinked at him cutely.

'Gran'pa? What's wrong with Auntie Trishie?' Dante looked at Trish and then back at Arson and then blushed slightly.

'Um…go look in your Biology textbook.' Arson blinked again.

'What's a textbook?' Dante groaned and slapped his forehead.

'Never mind.' He sighed. Arson looked at Trish again and frowned.

'So what's wrong with her?'

Dante decided to tell him outright. 'She's got PMS' Arson blinked again and grinned idiotically.

'What's that?'

'Um…Prehistoric Mother Syndrome. I think.' Trish heard this and snarled and growled and randomly chucked a cushion at Dante. Dante quickly dodged it, frowning.

'It's very dangerous and catching and you mustn't go near her.' Dante told Arson. Arson looked confused.

'Why not?'

'Do you want to be eaten?' Arson took a while to think about this.

'…um…no?'

'Exactly.' Arson made a squeaky noise and hid behind Dante and peeped out at Trish, as though he was terrified. Dante got annoyed but was suddenly hit with an amazing idea. He grinned smugly and kicked Arson over to Trish.

'Go ask her for a Piggie Back and see what happens'

Arson grinned and promptly forgot the warning. 'Okay!' he yelled giddily. He toddled up to Trish. Trish growled at him angrily. Arson gave her his best Chibi grin, regardless.

'Auntie Trishie? Can I have a piggie back?'

That was too much for Trish. She got up from the couch and snarled and chased him around the house, growling. Arson screamed and bawled as he tried to run away.

'ARGH! GRAN'PA HELP ME! SHE'S GOING TO TURN ME INTO A PREHISTORIC MOTHER!'

Dante, unsurprisingly, couldn't be arsed to. He just stood there laughing. Trish got further pissed off at this and grabbed Arson but accidentally knocked their heads together, knocking them both out. Dante looked at them both and then grinned happily.

'Cool…' He walked off to eat ice cream.

OUTSIDE

Dante had finally found an ice cream van and got his ice cream. 'Thanks.' He ripped off the wrapper and started slurping away at it happily, being a bad influence for other kids, who started doing the same, despite their mothers yelling at them for looking rude.

'You have to pay me first.' Said the ice Cream man to Dante, as though he were a naughty kid.

Dante grinned and gave him 200 red orbs. The ice cream man looked at him as though he were deranged but kept the orbs all the same.

'In dollars' he said firmly. Dante looked stunned, as though he'd never heard of the word before.

'Doll-arrrrrrrrs?' he said stupidly.

'Yes!' said the man.

Dante looked around shiftily, completely broke. 'Um…uh…okay…' he stammered.

The Ice cream man waited patiently. Dante made a great show of patting his coat pocket for his wallet before he punched out the ice cream man and made a run for it. A random OC from a different fic called Darkness Falling (shameless plug) popped up out of nowhere.

'I saw that, demon! Now you will die!' she bellowed.

Dante had no other option but to run even faster, with the irate angel on his ass.

'HIYAAAAAAA HEEEEE-YAAAAAH!' She screamed randomly. Dante looked over his shoulder to see Dawn practising karate chops as she ran after him.

'Why are you chasing me?' yelled Dante.

'There's a reward on your head!' Dawn yelled back.

'Says who?'

'The Great High Maester Seymour!' Dante blinked and then groaned at that.

'That idiot? Hasn't he filed his nails yet? Hasn't he removed the nail varnish yet?'

'Um…I don't know. Now stand still so I can kill you.' Dawn frowned at him.

Dante suddenly did as she asked and stood still. Dawn ran past him and then stopped too, and slapped her forehead.

'You're not meant to actually obey.' She scolded. Dante shot her his best "little boy" look.

'Well I was always a good little boy.' A random puppet popped out of nowhere.

'You never lied?' Dante stared at it before he screamed.

'ARGH! A PUPPET!' He killed Pinocchio with one hit, causing an old man to jump out of a bush (where he had probably been peeing or communing with nature's little creatures…we don't want to know…)

'NOOOOOOOOOOO!' The pervy old man yelled.

'Ah ha!' Dante pointed at him theatrically. 'You work for Mundus don't you?'

'My son!' yelled Gipetto. He grabbed little bits and pieces of Pinocchio and ran off crying. Dawn frowned and then turned to Dante and prodded him sharply in the side.

'You should really start running again. Now start running, you!' Dante blinked at her stupidly, forgetting why she was there.

'Um…okay…but why?' Dawn narrowed her eyes at him.

'Because I want to kill you' Dante grinned, remembering.

'Oh yeah!' He started to run again, realized Dawn was a girl and suddenly got another brilliant idea. Dawn continued to chase Dante, even past several stores. She stared into the shop windows as she ran, and was tempted to go in one or two of them, especially the ones which were having sales! She started to chant. 'MUST…RESIST…TEMPTATION…MUST….RESIST!'

'Damned angel!' Dante yelled.

Dawn chased him some more but suddenly tripped and fell into a fountain. Dante decided to point and laugh, because…well...he can.

'HA HA!' He ran back home eating his half melted ice cream, licking his lips with satisfaction afterwards. 'Yummmmmmm' He opened the door and was promptly greeted with a sound like a drowning cat

'OWWWWWWWW!' screamed Trish. 'MY STOMACH! OWWWWWW OWWWWWW!' Dante raised an eyebrow and frowned.

'Trish? You never make that much noise.' Arson looked towards Trish with disgust.

'I know I don't. It's just that he's a wimp.'

'OWWWWW! AUNTIE TRISHIE! OWWWWWWW!' screamed Trish. Dante frowned. Did Trish just say "Auntie Trishie"? Dante decided that something was very very wrong.

'What's going on?' He asked cautiously.

'Well…um…you know when we hit heads?' Arson began sheepishly.

'Ye-es?'

'We switched bodies.' Dante frowned at Arson and looked at Trish, who was still screaming random crap no lady with PMS ever says.

'ARGH! THE PAIN THE PAIN! MOOOOOOOOOO! THE PAIN!'

Dante frowned and raised an eyebrow, wondering why the hell Trish mooed. 'Are you a cow?' He asked.

'No I'm a goatling.' Trish explained happily, forgetting her pain for the minute. Dante groaned.

Arson was busy, looking through the toys Dante had bought for him with wide eyes. Dante thought he should explain quickly before Arson got the wrong idea.

'The doctor told me to buy those.' Arson's eyes went even wider and he simply stared at him.

'I see…' Dante glared.

'Yeah…that means you're not blind.' He said with his lame comeback. Arson gave him withering glance, Dante was about to say something else when Trish suddenly jumped on his back, screeching.

'PIGGEE BACK! NOW NOW NOW NOW!' she demanded. Arson stared at her in outrage.

'What unlady like behaviour!' Dante looked towards him.

'You should know…you never act like a lady.' Arson stared at him as though he'd been slapped on the face.

'What?' He said angrily.

'You act like a slut most of the time!' Dante yelled. Arson gave a little squeak of anger and slapped him and kicked him in the shins. Dante whined and rubbed his leg. (HIS OWN LEG!)

'You still hit like a girl!' He bellowed. Arson's eyes flared crimson, and he picked up a toaster and threw it at Dante's head.

LATER

Dante was stomping around town with Trish on his back, a toaster still hanging off his nose. He blinked and then groaned. 'Aw hell no!'

Dawn was walking towards them. 50 cents from the fountain falls out from her skirt. Trish stared at her in awe.

'Oooooooooh! Let me try that!' She shook about but no money fell out. Dante glared at her.

'Stop that, Arson!' Trish pouted and looked pissy.

'I WANT MONEY AND I WANT IT NOW!'

A Random Geezer walked up to Trish and grabbed her before walking off. Dante frowned and watched them go.

'Um…' He frowned again and rubbed at the back of his head. 'Dawn, I kind of don't have the time right now to play tag.' Dawn knew what he meant and hit the hoe-lover with a tranquilizer gun. The geezer got knocked out instantly. Dante grinned at Dawn.

'Thanks you saved my grandson!'

'…' said Dawn, confused. Dante kept smiling happily. '…um….Dante? Trish is a girl. She can't be your grandson.'

'Sure she is! Watch.' Dante passed Trish a strawberry. Trish stared at it and then started screaming.

'NO! I DON'T WANNA BE A PEE FILE!' she screeched. Dawn blinked.

'A what?'

'A paedophile…' Dante explained.

Dawn blinked again. 'I should hope she doesn't want to become one.' Trish looked towards Dawn and grinned happily.

'I fancy you.' She said. She started pulling cute faces at her. Dawn looked shell shocked. Trish giggled and clapped her hands together with glee, looking happy. Dante looked towards Dawn.

'See? He's my grandson' Dawn looked even more confused.

'BUT SHE'S A GIRL DAMMIT!' she bellowed.

'Do I really have to prove myself again?' snarled Dante, forcing Trish to eat a strawberry.

Dawn: (sweatdrops again)

Dante: (forces Trish to eat a strawberry)

Trish pulled a cute face happily. 'Mmmmmmm…strawbees……MWAH HA HA HA HA HA! I'M A LAMP POST! YOU'RE A GODSEND! I'M SONIC THE HEDGEHOG! YOU FAKER!' She ran around acting like the Hulk before she hit Dawn hardly in the face.

'Thanks Arson.' Said Dante solemnly.

'WHEEEEE HEEEEEEE HEEEEEEE EHEEEEEEE!' Trish screamed giddily. Dante had a sudden thought.

'How's your stomach?'

'I'M A PREHISTORIC MOTHER!' she cried proudly. Several people turned to look at her and frowned. Dante struggled to try and keep a straight face.

'That's very nice Trish now let's go and do a little shopping…' He started to growl and mutter. 'Damn womanly needs…'

Trish suddenly saw something interesting and grabbed it. It was a frilly pink bra. 'What's this?' she said in a dumb voice.

Dante gave it one look before turning red.

Trish happily stuck it on her head. 'SEE? HAT!'

'That's not a hat,' said Dante weakly, looking as though he was about to faint.

'Is it a catapult?' she asked innocently.

'Uh…no!'

'A sling?'

'NO!'

'So what is it?'

'It's uh…something you wear…'

'Show me.'

'NO WAY!' Trish's bottom lip trembled, and her eyes welled up with tears as she began to cry. Dante turned flaming red as people stared at the fully grown black leather wearing lady.

'Fine…fine…' He grumbled, putting the bra on over his own clothes. 'That's how you wear it, Arson.'

Chasm walked past the shop window at that moment and saw Dante wearing a bra. 'OH MY GOD!' He stared for a little while longer before he fainted. Trish looked at Dante thoughtfully before she came to a decision.

'I like to wear it this way better.' And with that, she put it back on her head. Dante turned his coat collar all the way up and stared around.

'I hope no one saw me do that…' Chasm leapt to his feet and roared.

'YOUNG MAN! GET TO MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW!'

'Nooooooooo!' Dante quickly ran off with Trish before he was given any more medication. Trish didn't seem to bothered and grabbed random clothes from stores as they ran past. Dante glared at her.

'Stop that!'

Trish suddenly stopped running and turned around before kissing Chasm. 'Here have a hat!' she yelled cheerfully before putting a bra on Chasm's head and dancing around him.

Chasm, understandably, fainted out of embarrassment. Trish continued to dance and sing.

'TINKLE TINKLE LITTLE STAR!' she sang. Dante stared at her.

'It's TWINKLE, Arson!'

'My version's better!' She danced a little more as the two walked along but she stopped when she suddenly saw a random strawberry fair. 'Yummmmmm'

Dante grabbed her quickly and dragged her back home, looking pissed off.

Arson was busy doing the vacuuming and cooking and had a feather duster in his hands and an apron tied over his clothes. Dante came in and stared at the place in shock. Possibly because it had never been clean, or because Arson was looking even more of a sissy than usual.

Trish came in after him, wearing stupid clothing, a glove over each ear, a bra on her head and a G-string over her face. 'I'M THE MASKED AVENGER!'

'So that's what you've been up to?' asked Arson, raising an eyebrow. Dante looked sheepish.

'He made me wear a bra!' Arson started cackling evilly. Trish gasped and suddenly went bananas as she heard the doorbell ring. She ran towards it, barking like a dog.

'WUF WUF WUF WUF!' Arson's eyes widened as he stared at her.

'People have called me a bitch before but that's going a bit too far!' Trish giggled and clapped wildly before flinging open the door.

'I have to kill you!' Dawn aimed her shotgun at Trish again. Trish danced around excitedly before headbutting Dawn on the head and knocking them both out. Dante stared at them both, wide-eyed.

'Well…' he said, trying to look on the bright side. 'At least she can't be much more of a bounty hunter…'

Dawn woke up first and grinned insanely before lifting up her skirt and shaking about. 'Look! Another 20 cents!' Trish woke up and promptly began to wail and sob. Dawn didn't look upset in the least. 'What can I buy with 20 cents? I'm a millionaire!'

'If I hadn't been knocked into the fountain I wouldn't have got all those coins in my clothes!' Trish shouted, looking livid.

Dawn suddenly grinned and flew out through the roof, breaking a hole through it. Dante decided to try his new skill of being an optimist.

'At least we've got a skylight now.' At that point, it started to rain. Trish glowered at him.

'You just had to say it didn't you?' Arson whimpered as he got blisters on his face and hid under the bed.

MEANWHILE

Dawn flew around and suddenly landed on a bouncy castle. She bounced up and down happily for a few minutes, screaming. 'WHEEEE WHEEEEE WHEEEEEE!' It was only then that she saw what the shape of the castle was. 'A STRAWBERRY!' Happily, she bit the bouncy castle and screamed as it popped, blowing her away, far away, where teletubbies go and play!

'Dawn! You're late!' yelled a random voice. It was probably the sun from the Teletubbie show. Funny…she had never expected it to have such a deep male voice. 'Come back up here right now!'

Dawn went and looked around, seeing the crappy grass, and the crappy sky, with clouds in it. 'Marshmallows!' She ran about drooling and screaming every so often about marshmallows and how lovely and soft and tasty and chewy and…

'Stop being stupid!' yelled the angry manly little baby boy again. Dawn looked around and grinned, reaching a decision.

'This place needs redecorating!' She got out a random pink paintpot and started to paint over everything.

'NOOOOOOOOOO!' bawled the random voice.

By the time Dawn was finished, everything was painted strawberry pink.

Dawn grinned and twirled around. 'PWETTY!' The next instant, she got kicked out and ended up in a strawberry field. She got up and looked around.

'…Pee files…' She shuddered and walked off but suddenly got hit by a tranquilizer. 'BAH BAH SHEE BOO GOO LAH LAH!' She danced and twirled around before fainting.

'MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!' Trish cackled maniacally.

'You do realize you can't kill him don't you?' Dante cut in.

'Why not?'

'He's in your body for one thing.'

'…crap!' Trish slapped Dawn around the head, probably knocking her out more than anything else. 'She isn't waking up.'

'Here let me try!' Dante got out strawberry smelling salts and waved them under Dawn's nose.

'Mmmmmmm…strawberries!' Dawn started cooing and pulling happy faces as she woke up.

Trish had had enough and slammed her head against Dawn's, knocking each other out again. Trish was the first to wake up, and it was obvious who was back in control of her body.

'MY HAT'S GONE! GIVE ME MY 20 CENTS BACK, GOATLING!' Trish yelled suddenly.

Dawn ran off quickly before she got pummelled again.

Trish sat down heavily. '…'

'Arson?'

Trish snivelled.

'Arson?'

Trish simply continued to cry.

'I'll give you a piggie back!'

Trish suddenly stopped crying and leapt on Dante's back and put a bra on over his clothes. Dante paused and then sighed and walked back home, still wearing a bra.

MEANWHILE

Chasm was at a psychiatrist's office. 'It was terrible, I tell you. Absolutely terrible.' He groaned.

'Really?' Vampy looked sceptical.

'Yes!' Chasm nodded sincerely.

'Start from the beginning.' Vampy commanded.

'It all started with a silver haired guy in a red coat. He was wearing a bra!'

'I think I've heard enough. Take him away!' yelled Vampy.

'I SAW IT WITH MY OWN NINETY NINE EYES!' He screamed as he got dragged off.

Vampy raised her eyebrows. 'I can only see two.'

'That's because your crazy!' Chasm yelled hysterically before giving a random crazed cackle.

Vampy shook her head and sighed. 'Men…'