"You're the traitor?" Klaus asked. "The Vermiform Food Denunciation said it was Kit Snicket."
"A waiter in an Italian restaurant tried to denounce me to Kit's brother this morning," said Duchess R. "Fortunately for me, there was another waiter in that same restaurant on the other side of the schism. He jostled the plate just before it was put on Mr. Snicket's table and caused the sausage 'R' to open up into a 'K' instead."
"How could you be a Female Finnish Pirate?" asked Quigley. "You've been a well-established member of the V.F.D. for years."
"The real Duchess is dead," said R. "We burned down her mansion a short time ago and stole her photographs and commonplace books. I sent a forged message to Mr. Snicket hoping to establish the Duchess was still alive. After I sent it, I realized I had made some mistakes the Duchess would never make, so I sent a second note to Kit Snicket disowning the first one. She fell for it."
"Impersonate?" asked Sunny, which meant, "How could you impersonate the Duchess when people knew what she looked like?"
"She's known to be a master of disguise," said R. "I pretended to be the Duchess disguised as someone else disguised as her, when I was actually someone else disguised as the Duchess disguised as someone else disguised as her. My real name is Raija."
"Confusing," said Sunny.
"Wearing a diving suit and helmet helped my impersonations a couple of times. I used it when I swam to the Queequeg near the Gorgonian Grotto, and I tricked Captain Widdershins and Phil away from the submarine."
"What did you do with them?" asked Klaus.
"The F.F.P. captured them when they got to the surface," said Raija. "We're holding them prisoner on the Prospero, along with the ship's regular captain and crew. We faked a message from Widdershins to Kit that lured her here. She tried to water-ski away when she saw it was a trap, but we caught her, too."
"Smoke. Mirrors," said Sunny.
"Yes, with all the smoke and mirrors in the V.F.D. they're pathetically easy to trick," said Raija. "My best trick was diving into the ocean near the Hotel Denouement on Tuesday afternoon, swimming down the secret tunnel into the pond, and getting the sugar bowl when it dropped into the pond. The stupid taxi-driver V.F.D. agent drove off with a fake substitute sugar bowl I gave him. The F.F.P. now has the real sugar bowl!"
"What's in the sugar bowl that you want?" asked Klaus. "I thought only the V.F.D. cared about it."
"Evidence of crimes by both sides of the schism that we can use to blackmail them," said Raija. "Also secrets of their research, such as the Medusoid Mycelium and the Question Mark monster. We're high-tech pirates."
Two pirates brought Fernald and Fiona off the Carmelita. Another group of pirates had managed to bring the self-sustaining hot-air mobile home down low enough to board it and take off Hector, Duncan, and Isadora. The new prisoners were herded in with the rest. Sunny and Klaus were glad to see the other two Quagmires again but dared not show it in front of their captors.
"Why were you attacking the self-sustaining hot-air mobile home with eagles?" asked Duncan.
"We were in an alliance of convenience with the man with a beard and no hair and the woman with hair and no beard," said R. "Now that they're dead, we'll just take the balloon vehicle for ourselves."
"We thought you were attacking us," Isadora said to Fernald. "I guess you were only trying to help. Sorry we dropped those heavy boxes on you."
"We sent a message for help when we first saw your submarine below us," Duncan said. "That was before the eagles arrived. How did you know where to find us?"
"I overhead the plans of those so-called justices when I their prisoner," said Fernald. "After Fiona and I stole Olaf's submarine we decided to find your balloon."
"You should have trusted us," said Fiona. "Aye! We just wanted to ask Hector a few questions about what happened to our mother."
Hector gave them a skittish look.
"I trusted you, Fiona," said Klaus. "And you broke my heart. I don't think you can ask us to trust you now."
"Enough chatter!" said Raija. "We're going to lock up you prisoners for the night. We'll ransom most of you back to the V.F.D. Klaus, by your own admission you killed our allies, the man with a beard and no hair and the woman with hair and no beard. At dawn tomorrow you shall walk the plank."
"No!" cried Sunny.
"Sunny, you are his accomplice but you have a choice," said Raija. "You are young enough to be retrained as a Female Finnish Pirate. You can either join us, or join your brother in his fate."
Sunny looked thoughtful. "Pirate," she finally said.
"Sunny!" Klaus cried.
"Lock them up in the high-security brig," said Raija. "Sunny will be locked up in a separate cabin to avoid reprisals."
As the only two remaining Baudelaires were dragged away from each other, Klaus called softly to her, "I don't blame you, Sunny. Every noble person has failed us. Why not join the pirates and save yourself?"
"Errol," said Sunny.