A/N: The reason for this? God only knows.

Summary: Harper is sick of seeing Beka and Rhade lead each other on. He decides to take things into his own hands, but things go very, very wrong...

Definite Pairings: T. Rhade/Beka, a little Dylan/Beka (more may be decided)

Help! Our Captain Has Gone Crazy!

By: OrionWolf

Chapter One: Watching Them

As his eyes darted back and forth between them, a somewhat disgusted frown formed upon Harper's face. The shifty little engineer rested his chin on his hands and continued to study them.

Surprisingly, Harper could have very sharp senses when he wanted to. Like now, as he sat inside the Eureka Maru, observing every little move they made, breaking down each one and discovering its true meaning.

At first, it had been amusing to watch them like this, but now it actually hurt Harper to watch to witness the way they treated each other. Ignorant, disbelieving and the slightest bit shy. It was sickening. Harper's eyes narrowed like poison darts. Why could they just admit to themselves (or better yet, to each other) what was already so painfully obvious...

"Harper? Why are you scrutinizing Telemachus and Beka?" asked Trance, suddenly appearing from out of no where.

Harper did not reply. He was completely engrossed in the conversation which had finally begun between Beka Valentine and Telemachus Rhade.

"So..." said Rhade, his voice trailing off.

"Yes...?" Beka replied, silently encouraging him to continue.

Rhade suddenly found himself unable to speak, instead, he simply stared at her. Beka shifted nervously underneath his gaze until finally she could stand it no longer.

"Um...I'll see you later," she said, somewhat coldly and then she stalked out of the Maru.

Rhade stood unmoving in the same spot for what seemed like forever, which—he figured—would probably be how long it would take for him to face Beka again. Slightly miffed, he too left the Maru.

Harper half-groaned, half-sighed so loudly that Trance jumped.

"Are you all right Harper? You sound sick..." she stated, a little worried.

"WHY CAN'T THEY JUST ADMIT THAT THEY ARE MADLY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER AND LET US ALL HAVE SOME FREAKIN' PEACE!" Harper yelled.

"Wha...?" Trance blinked, taken aback by his sudden outburst.

Harper slowly slunk back down into his chair. He remained silent for a few minutes, then he looked up.

"Oh, hi Trance. When did you get here?" Harper asked.

For a fraction of a second, Trance felt like strangling him.

"Perhaps you should pay less attention to your crewmate's private business and pay more attention to what you are supposed to be doing," said Trance, crossing her arms and motioning towards some of the Maru's wiring.

"Uh huh," Harper mumbled half-heartedly.

"Besides," Trance sat down next to him, "You are supposed to be fixing the Maru."

"Yeah? Well it's kinda hard to do that when there are so many distractions around here," he grumbled back and picked up a pair of pliers.

He caught Trance's offended look and was quick to react.

"Not that your a distraction...well, I mean technically you are, but your a beautiful distraction...unlike those two..." he said.

"And by "those two" you mean...Beka and Telemachus?"

"No...I mean Beka and That Damn Nietzschean."

"Must you call him that? It sounds a little crude..."

"It's not crude," he flashed her a cocky smile, "It's a very affectionate nickname that I have bestowed upon That Damn Nietzschean."

Trance couldn't help but laugh. Oh that Harper.

"But honestly, Trancie...when are they gonna..." his expression turned serious.

"Have you considered that perhaps Telemachus is not yet...over his last romance?"

It was a good point. Trance was like that. She always made good points.

"Louisa?" Harper looked at Trance like she was crazy, "C'mon...the boss could out do her any day...! Blind-folded with her hands tied behind her back!"

"Harper, Telemachus was in love with Louisa, those things just don't blow over. Dylan told me that Louisa's death is the whole reason that Telemachus started to drink so much."

"Yeah well...nothing lasts forever Trancie, and I know that better than anyone," was his reply, "And don't tell me you haven't seen the way that he looks at the Boss! I'd say that Beka has done a damn good job at distracting That Damn Nietzschean from his poor little lover's death!"

Trance pondered upon the subject for a bit and realized that, in a way, Harper was right.

everyone, Dylan, Rommie, Harper and Trance herself had picked up on the forlorn little glances that Beka and Rhade shot each other when they thought no one was looking. Trance was a little disappointed in both of them for believing that it was still a secret.

"I suppose that there is a certain degree of attraction between them..." said Trance, handing Harper a tool that he'd gestured too.

"Then what the Hell is taking them both so long to get it on?" Harper replied sharply.

"Excuse me?"

"Okay...I mean, Beka likes Rhade, Rhade likes Beka...where is the big plot-consuming, dramatic problem?"

"Perhaps coming to terms with their feelings for each other is difficult for them," suggested Trance.

"Well if ya ask me it's all a bunch of bull—"

"I didn't ask you though."

Neither friend said a word for a minute until finally Trance saw a wide grin spread across Harper's face.

"Harper...I don't like that look you're giving me...that's your 'I'm-gonna-do-something-that-will-get-me-in-trouble-and-Dylan-will-kill-me-for-it' look."

"Lighten up Trancie...I just figure that if Beka and That Damn Nietzschean can't get

together on their own, then maybe we could—"

"Are you suggesting that we play matchmaker?" Trance interrupted.

"Well..."

"Harper, if Beka ever found out, I don't even want to think about—"

"Don't worry your pretty, little golden goddess head, Trancie m'darlin'! Trust in—"

"The Harper, the Harper is Good."

Slowly, a very devious plan began to come together in the young crew member's mind.

A/N: I hope that was okay...this might turn into one of those things that I get completely obsessed with writing.