Chapter 13: The Darkness of Despair, Part I
Thanks to all reviewers for your encouragement. It keeps me writing.
LadySophieKitty: Unfortunately, Luke will not be showing up until the end. I've made this a Vader/ Padmé tale. Sorry to disappoint you (and anyone else hoping for more Luke/ Leia). And thank you for the generous offer. Actually, I have an offline Beta, but I may hit you up if she grows tired of reading this stuff…she's not a huge SW fan and mostly looks for glaring grammatical errors. :-\
eridani: Thank you for the constructive comments; I really do appreciate it. I'll try to keep things less muddled, but I can't make any promises! ;-)
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Padmé picked herself off the refresher floor and reached for a cloth to run under the cool water and wipe her face.
After lying on the floor for an indeterminate time, she stubbornly removed herself from the 'fresher. She dragged herself to a chair by the view port. She would be damned to Sith Hell before she'd let him see her cowering on the floor like an animal.
She had stayed up late that night and each night after, unable to sleep. Her thoughts raced through events of the past and the vile possibilities of things to come. Nightmares had plagued even the small bits of sleep she could steal.
Why does it have to be this way? She sighed heavily.
What kind of hold does the Emperor have over him?
How could he follow such a man?
Is he completely blind?
Her brow furrowed.
Or just blinded by his own lust for power?
Anakin had always been ambitious, there was no doubt about it. She just could just not believe that he could be so cold and calculating about his own child. Were they all just pawns in the Emperor's game? Collateral damage in this unending battle?
What do you expect?
He murdered the younglings in the Jedi Temple.
That thought brought on a fresh bout of tears that she wiped at angrily. She thought she'd had no more tears to shed.
Fool!
She had obstinately refused to believe Obi-Wan when he had told her all those years ago of what Anakin had done in the Jedi Temple. But she had chosen to believe in Anakin. She could not have conceived that her Ani could do such a thing. But she had been so wrong!
And still she had not learned her lesson.
x x x x
Vader was keeping his distance from her.
His nerves were raw and he did not want to be swayed by her. He avoided Padmé both on the ship and in her dreams for as long as he could. Maddening days and agonizing nights had passed without any contact with her. But she was never far from his thoughts as he went about his duties. That she was in such close physical proximity, but completely distant frustrated him. But he could not stay away for long, although each time he visited her, he angrily wished he had stayed away from her. He cursed himself for his weakness. He cursed her for her defiance of him.
In short, Padmé would not speak to him.
She would ignore his presence as if he were millions of parsecs away instead of in front of her. Or, if she did acknowledge his presence, she would stare at him in cold disdain, her eyes flinty and piercing. But she spoke not a word to him. Usually such a response from anyone would garner his mild amusement before a slow, painful suffocation, but not when Padmé was involved.
Never again.
Vader silently noted the dark smudges under her eyes and that her face was pinched and drawn. The dowdy grey dress she had chosen to wear did not help her sallow color and her hair was lank and unkempt. He would order the droid to destroy that ugly dress; it offended him. He had never seen her this way. He cursed himself for being weak because he desperately missed her smile, even though he had not seen a full smile from her in many, many years. In the uncomfortable quiet, he missed the sound of her voice. Yet her thoughts and emotions attacked him even as her tongue was silent. When he opened up to her, he was under siege. He almost regretted strengthening their Force connection, weak though it was.
Completely exasperated, Vader clutched the railing in front of her chamber's view port, twisting the metal effortlessly. Small items in her chamber vibrated as his rage and frustration grew. She was as frosty and serene as ever. If he did not leave her soon, he knew he would start shattering items in his fury, and he did not want to risk injuring her. He whirled around and stalked to his own chamber, once again completely ignored by his wife.
She will learn her place.
x x x x
Padmé had stopped eating.
She just had no appetite. Even the idea of food made her nauseous, and any attempts she had made to take even the smallest morsel had turned her stomach. TC-14 would take her trays and dispose of the uneaten food rations without a word. The droid had stopped attempting to make any small talk with her, as it had been rebuffed continuously.
I will never understand humans. So illogical.
Tee-See did not even consider contacting and reporting her odd behavior to Lord Vader, fearing its own destruction. It had seen other droids crushed for bearing even remotely bad news; and this droid unit did not want to join them. Its self-preservation directive had been finely tuned.
The human will eat at some point, it rationalized, as it exited her quarters to dispose of the evidence. I know that much about biological systems. They have a primal instinct to survive.
Padmé heaved a deep sigh; she just could not get any rest. What little sleep she could manage to steal was still troubled, and she awoke exhausted and on edge. She wanted to see Anakin, but at the same time abhorred the very thought of him.
Monster.
She still loved him and wanted to curse him. Her children were in danger and she felt powerless to aid them.
Will Luke be able to resist the Dark Side of the Force? Will they kill him?
She took to staring mutely out the window, as if hypnotized by the vast darkness. She had stopped viewing the holo-unit or reading her datapad for news. It was mostly censored, anyway, she had quickly surmised. Useless. She was growing more and more despondent. She had no way to help Luke and thwart the Emperor's plans for him. The situation seemed utterly hopeless.
He did not even try to deny it. I can not bear to watch this happen!
She could not allow Anakin's fate happen to Luke. A slave to the Emperor. Forever mired in darkness. Thoughts raced in her head. How can she protect her children?
And what would happen to Leia? Will Vader kill her, too? Her heart twisted in her chest as her thoughts leapt from bad to worse.
If Luke succumbed to the Dark Side, would he kill his own sister? Or would she, too, be compelled to the Dark Side of the Force?
She gritted her teeth in anguish. She balled her fists tightly and slowly bent her head down to press them to her eyes. She felt the anger rising up in her at Vader, growing with each passing moment. Anger and hatred flared white hot through her exhausted frame, threatening to consume her. She was angry with Palpatine, but even angrier with Anakin. They had pledged to love each other forever. But the love she had for him was crumbling in the wake of a new, more destructive emotion.
I hate him!
She heard a fluttering sound.
What was that?
Her head shot up and her eyes furtively searched around the room as she thought she heard whispers and soft laughter.
Maybe I am losing my mind…
x x x x
Vader felt a roiling kaleidoscope of sensations emanating from Padmé, without even having to actively probe her mind.
He could not stand to feel her anger and pain, emotions influenced by his dark path. It made him sick to his stomach. He remembered the last time he had made Padmé cry. He saw her face twisted in anguish as she had tried to speak, to take a breath. Vader banished the thought from his mind. He had studiously avoided thinking of that all these years, only to have it assail him now.
But Vader could not and would not allow her emotions or feelings to affect neither his purpose nor his actions. He had to focus on this most important assignment. He could not fail his Master. Or fail himself. Yet, he was distracted because he had never felt such strong dark emotions from Padmé.
It is unnatural.
He could ill afford to make a mistake again and further anger his Master before his own plans for Luke were complete. He had his own important strategy to see to fruition. Vader resolved that he would block her feelings for the time being and wait for her to cool down. It would be the best course of action for the both of them. Despite her obstinate nature, she could usually see reason.
She will come around. She must.
Vader walked ominously past the lines of Stormtroopers flanking his entered his ship and prepared to take off. He would give her time alone. Checking the navigation grid and plugging in a set of coordinates, he fired up the engines and began his journey. Perhaps when he returned, Padmé would be more herself.
Or at least resigned to Fate.
x x x x
Padmé shifted from sadness to numbness to anger.
She had cried so much that it felt as if her tears had dried up permanently. Her eyes were dry and irritated. Part of her really didn't care, but a small voice inside her whispered that she wanted to feel cool water on her face- to soothe her. Lethargically, she rose from her chair and moved her stiff legs toward the refresher.
Entering the small, bright room, she made her way to the basin to rinse her face and eyes. As she spied her ghastly image in the mirror, she was filled with disgust. The wild-eyed image that stared back at her was almost unrecognizable.
You used to be strong, Padmé. A fighter. Someone who could make changes. A leader. Fearless, she berated herself, mercilessly.
She scorned her reflection.
Now you are downright worthless! You can't even convince Anakin to spare his own child.
Another painful thought assailed her.
If he loved you, he wouldn't do this.
She was filled with a sudden white-hot rage. It flowed up through her body, threatening to choke her. That face leering back was mocking her. She wanted to destroy that contemptuous ghoul!
Padmé smashed her balled fists into the mirror with all her might, shattering the glass and the sneering face. She wanted to crush her image. Shards fell into the basin, glittering wildly. Slowly tilting her head, she looked down at the bright pieces and stood spellbound by light glinting off the fragments, only vaguely feeling the sting of the cuts and bruises on her hands.
Do it…
She heard an insidious voice whisper that command in her head. She looked around her wildly, in case she was actually not alone in the small room. Where had she heard that voice before?
You really have nothing to live for…
She gazed down and the gleaming debris and painstakingly reached a hand to the largest shard of glass and grasped it tightly in her right hand, opening new cuts on her hand and smearing it with her blood. She looked back up at the fractured, wild-eyed image that peered back at her. It was smiling at her.
Yeeeeeeeesssssssssss…
Padmé slowly leaned her head to the right, exposing her neck and jugular vein, all the while watching the distorted image of her reflection mimic her movement. Life moved in slow motion.
This really is all your fault…
Her eyes were glassy as she imperceptibly nodded her head in agreement.
He was the Chosen One! The one to bring balance to the Force.
Padmé digested that sentence like a poison. Her face twisted with shame.
You helped destroy him.
She steadily raised the shard to her neck and paused.
Quickly! The voice whispered urgently.
Don't let him find out. He will try to stop you. It will only make things worse if he stops you…
Padmé was then compelled to act.
She felt oddly detached from her body as she pressed the sharp edge determinedly to her neck. She barely registered the pain of the jagged point entering and cleaving her flesh, or the trickle of blood that rapidly welled up from the wound and snaked a path down her neck, darkening the neckline of her drab gown.
Soon you will be free, my dear…the sinister voice whispered sympathetically, as if to comfort her.
Padmé began to feel lightheaded, but pressed onward toward her own destruction. The room darkened and it felt as if she were rising above her own body. She looked down at the weak shell she had departed. She felt calm, at peace, and saw a distant vision of a lush green meadow. The sound of rushing water caressed her ears. It was a comforting melody.
It must be Naboo, she thought. I am finally going home.
She sighed as a slight melancholy washed over her as an image of her husband in his Jedi robes came to her. His head was cocked slightly to the side as he peered at her with sad and inquisitive eyes.
Goodbye, Anakin.
It was finally over.
Padmé, NO!