A/N: More reviews! I have been encouraged!
Eris86: I couldn't agree with you more! More weirdness and deliberate attempts to make the 'Drom crew look like complete and total morons will definitely for sure!
TranceGemmy: I'm glad you think it's good!
LadyBianca: Yeah...funny, I always seem to think it's time for chocolates...heh.
RagdollStuffy: Y'know it's weird...this is my first humor piece ever, I didn't know that people actually found it that funny...not that I'm complaining. Thanks!
Thristle: There's definitely more to come! Stay tuned.
Thank you to everyone who has reviewed! Your thoughts on this fic are very much appreciated! I do my best to put constructive criticism to good use so go ahead and nit pick at my various mistakes (as I'm sure there are many). Now without further ado...
Chapter Four: Oh Dear...
"They've been in there for five hours! Five! Can you hear me, five hours!" Rommie screamed at...well, at herself.
"I'm sorry, I cannot allow you into Dylan's quarters, he has completely locked me out. Even if I wanted to get in, I couldn't," Andromeda's hologram replied.
"Argh!" Rommie threw up her hands in frustration, "This is hopeless!"
"Why is it so important that you speak to Captain Hunt at this exact moment?" asked Andromeda.
"Uh..." if Androids could blush, Rommie was blushing, "Just...because..."
"Because why?" Andromeda arched one holographic eyebrow, "Is this because you are truly worried about Dylan's own welfare or because you are worried that his newfound feelings for Beka will—"
"He does not have feelings for Beka!" yelled Rommie.
"Oh really?" was the dry reply, "And what else do you think Dylan's earlier performance in Command suggested?"
"You don't honestly believe that that was actually Dylan in there?"
"Well...it certainly looked like him to me? And I should know..."
"That's not what I meant!" Rommie raised her voice again, "It's been five years since Dylan met Beka, and all of a sudden he's declaring his undying love for her?"
"Near death experiences often trigger certain properties in people's lives and forces them to rearrange their priorities," the hologram explained calmly, "Perhaps Dylan has realized that he and the crew are not going to live forever and is therefore addressing certain emotions he might have for other people. Specifically, Beka."
"Yeah but..." Rommie looked down and then came up with another point, "Andromeda, he called her enchantingly beautiful! You can't honestly tell me that Dylan would say something like that if he was in his right mind?"
"Why not?" she shrugged, "He's said it before, to Sara."
"We only heard him say it once! And that was by accident! It seems at little farfetched that he would say something like that in front of the entire crew!"
That was true. Neither one could disagree with that point, Dylan was usually a little bit more conserved than that.
"I think that you are jealous," Andromeda stated flatly.
"What? What does that have to do with anything? I am simply concerned that Dylan being locked away in his quarters with Beka is...unhealthy," Rommie replied, sharply emphasizing Beka's name with a certain disgust.
"Are you sure? Dylan has been very stressed out lately, what with the Commonwealth, and the Nietzscheans, and the Magog Worldship approaching. Perhaps it's for the best that he's finally taking time to relax—"
"But with Beka Valentine!" Rommie screeched in a nearly animal-like way, causing her hologram's eyes to widen and then grow back to their natural (and completely artificial at the same time.
"A ship's android. Madly in love with her own captain and jealous that he is madly in love with his first officer," Andromeda could only shake her head.
"I am not madly—"
She was cut off when Rhade stormed past her, his eyes flaming with anger. He didn't even notice Rommie standing there, instead, he took one look at Dylan's door, growled incoherently and then marched off.
"Looks like your not the only one who's upset with the current situation," Andromeda smirked and disappeared.
Rommie felt like steam was going to come out of her ears.
"This is...it's so...he shouldn't be...argh!" she screamed out her anger.
"Hey, hey, hey! Romdoll! What's—"
"GO AWAY!" she cut off the smooth male voice that could only belong to one person.
Harper stared at his beautiful—but deadly—handiwork and nearly had a heart attack, he could even remember ever seeing Rommie so angry. Without even looking at him, she took one last look at Dylan's door, growled much like Rhade had, and stormed back down the corridor.
"She angry. Should we take cover and protect ourselves before she blows our heads off?" asked Trance, who'd been previously traveling to Engineering with Harper.
"Trust me, when my Romdoll's angry nothing can give you enough cover from her in all her sexy, stay-out-of-my-way-or-I'll-blow-your-heads-off, glory," replied Harper, still getting over the shock of Rommie's outburst.
"I never predicted that she'd be so upset..." said Trance, looking at her feet.
"How could you have known, it's not like you planned it," he answered and pressed his ear up against the doors to Dylan's quarters.
"Harper! You shouldn't be—"
"Come here!" he pulled her towards him and pushed her head against the door, "Hear that?"
"Hear what? Harper this is wrong, we can't just eavesdrop on Beka and Dylan! Besides what if one of them tries to open this—Ah!"
She and Harper fell into Dylan's quarters when the doors suddenly swished open. Beka stepped out and looked around with an odd expression on her face, just then she realized that Harper and Trance were lying in a tangled heap at her feet.
"What are you two doing?" asked Beka suspiciously.
"Uh...we were just..." Harper stopped when he saw Dylan lying, seemingly unconscious, on the floor of his quarters, "Uh, Boss...why is Dylan knocked out again?"
"Oh well..." Beka blushed a little and then turned around and began to walk away hastily, "Never mind!"
Trance looked at Harper who grinned and said:
"How much ya wanna bet that Dylan came onto the Boss even harder than before?" he laughed mischievously.
"That's not funny Harper," she said, and stood up, rubbing her sore head.
"C'mon Trancie..." Harper replied, mimicking her actions, "Captain Dylan Hunt. Out cold on his floor because his second-in-command him when he tried to feel up her—"
"Harper!" Trance replied, though she had to hide a little smile as she ran to Dylan's side.
"Are you sure he isn't dead?" asked Harper, nudging Dylan's limp arm.
"Stop kidding around," she replied and Harper smiled when he realized that she was trying desperately not to burst out laughing.
"Finally! Someone who thinks I'm funny!" he grinned.
"Honestly Harper, just be quiet and help me get him to Med Deck...again," Trance commanded, trying to be serious, but failing quite miserably.
"Well...I'm exhausted..." said Harper, falling into a chair.
"Same here," Trance agreed.
Quite some time later, Trance and Harper had finally managed to get Dylan all the way to Med Deck. They had been on their own while trying to transport Dylan from his quarters to Med Deck, and it had been quite a challenge. They'd both realized that first of all, even with both of their combined strength, there was simply no way that they would be able to carry Dylan all the way from practically one end of the Andromeda to the other. At least not without ripping all the muscles in their bodies, which was something they tried to avoid on a daily basis.
Help from any of the other crew seemed out of the question. Since neither Harper nor Trance were interested in losing their heads to one of the Andromeda's internal defense systems, asking Rommie to lend her artificial super-strength she was built with wasn't going to work. Beka had sealed herself away in her quarters and refused to come out of them, Harper had begged and pleaded and in the process, had lost most of his dignity, but Beka still refused to help. Telemachus Rhade had disappeared all together.
So in the end, if anyone should've asked why oh why, a little blonde engineer and his golden alien partner-in-crime substitute were dragging their Captain up and down the Andromeda's hallways, they would receive a tired, but angry response along the lines of: "SHUT UP!"
"Is there even the smallest, most remote chance that one day, when we're old and wrinkled and need to be fed through tubes inserted in our stomach, that we can sit back and laugh about this?" asked Harper.
"Doubtful," Trance replied.
"That's what I thought."
"So what's your take on this whole situation?" Trance asked him after a few minutes of a tired silence.
"What? Y'mean Dylan going all 'Oh my God I just realized after ten years that Beka Valentine is female and therefore I am required to kiss her before I get killed in some horrible train wreck'?" he ask laughing at his description of Dylan's display of his desires.
"Umm...yes..."
"I think that Dylan was bitten by some exotic bug that's causing him to go into a state of insanity...not that he's never been somewhat insane at all...what with throwing us into life-threatening situations every day..." Harper's voice trailed off, "To be honest, I don't really have an opinion on him and Beka together...I always new that one day Dylan might wake up and realize that his pilot has y'know...female assets..."
"But..." Trance encouraged him to continue.
"Well I am, Rhade isn't so pleased with this and Rommie looked like she was going to fry us all so..." Harper went on, "And besides, after all the work we went through to write that letter...say...did you ever get that to Rhade?"
"Um, well, about that letter..." Trance shifted in her seat nervously.
"Yes Trance?"
"It didn't exactly get to Rhade...you see...I...I think..."
"Trance!"
"Dylan has it!" she blurted it out and then turned and took at Harper's response."
"Well no wonder he's suddenly obsessed with Beka! He has obviously had feelings for Beka for a long time now and when he read that letter he must have...wait, didn't we address it to Rhade?"
"Yeah...but remember when I erased the first line of the letter?" Trance's voice grew softer.
"Yes..."
"Well...I kinda erased Rhade's name off the front of the envelope."
"You did what?"
"I'm sorry..." Trance apologized meekly, "I thought it would make Beka seem more...mysterious."
"Then you should've erased Beka's name! Not Rhade's! Now Dylan's going to think that the letter was meant for him! Beka might not even return Dylan's feelings even in the slightest bit."
"Where is he?" Rommie burst into the room, "Where's Dylan?"
Both Harper and Trance pointed to the room where Dylan lay, still unconscious, in a bed. Rommie didn't even reply to them, she just marched off in the direction they'd shown her.
"So now, we have a jealous Nietzschean, an extremely pissed off—and not to mention, hot—android, a lovesick and currently unconscious captain, one...well...I don't really know what to say about Beka...and other completely innocent crewmembers—that's you and me—who are stuck in the middle of what may be the worst disaster we've come across," Harper said, feeling quite proud of himself when he'd delivered the entire mouthful.
Trance's delicate features were etched in worry, "Oh dear..."
A/N: I wasn't even going to post another chapter until this weekend but...what can I say?
The reviews spoke for themselves. How on Earth could I have possibly disappointed the public?