Chapter 17: Culpability

Padmé opened her eyes while she lay on the shore of the lake.

She looked up at the deep blue sky and sighed. She was feeling anxious and she wanted to get back into the lake. It was a selfish thought, but she had so few pleasures these days. Real or not, this felt real, and so she would enjoy it as much as she could.

Her clothing was completely dry and she got to her feet and looked at the placid beauty of the lake. In the distance, she saw the small island that she and Anakin had swam to, many years ago, when Anakin was her Padawan protector. They had been so in love.

So long ago… she thought with melancholy.

So much lost time. Memories flooded her consciousness.

She was wrestling with her own daemons. Unwanted thoughts sprung into her mind.

How could I still love the man who is determined to destroy our son? The man who caused the end of the Republic, the end of democracy, and everything I believed in?

He hunted the Jedi to extinction. How could I be so…depraved?

I am no better than Anakin- selfish in my own way.

Sometimes she wished she had never awakened from the coma.

To sleep in oblivion until death. Guilt-free.

But I won't have long to wait, will I?

She despised herself for her weakness where Anakin was concerned.

I should fight him to the death.

I should kill him.

He would probably let me do it, too. She thought, wickedly.

If not, I should die trying. If only to atone for my sins.

Our sins.

Padmé despised herself because she knew that, even with all the vile deeds Anakin had done, she could not hate him. She loved him and it was tearing her apart. In her mind, this really was her fault. She had brought down their world. Trembling with anguish, she sought to calm herself, angrily wiping away her tears.

"Gods, why does love make one do the strangest things?" She whispered to herself in misery.

So much of their lives together had been a mistake, and she could not help feeling guilty over it. Anakin may not have had the emotional maturity to contain his feelings for her, but she should have known better, been the rational one. A sheltered Jedi, he had been so naïve. She was the worldly one, so skilled in the political arena, yet she had made such a fatal error.

How much of this horror could have been averted if only she had not given in? She had tried to resist, but had not tried hard enough. She could have spurned his love they could have parted forever…things would have been so different. He would have remained a hero of the Republic and she…well, would probably have never married. Just remained married to her career.

Signing, she admitted it to herself: Anakin had been the only man she had ever loved. The only man she would ever love. And even with all of this death and destruction surrounding them, she could not regret loving Anakin and being loved by him in return.

"If he is damned, then I am damned, too," she whispered hotly and willed the tears not to fall.

She turned her head to look over her shoulder and called out to the thick, leafy, blossom-laden vine she knew Anakin was hiding behind.

"You're welcome to join me," she stated evenly. She quickly dashed towards the water.

x x x x

Anakin was stunned into inaction.

He was certainly not expecting (just hoping!) an invitation to join her. He had watched her back as she stood so still, wondering what was going through her mind. He'd never know unless she revealed her thoughts, as she was too strong minded for him to read them. It was better that way, anyway. Some things he just didn't want to know, at this point. Perhaps she would share that moment with him…

But he was not going to wait for her to offer again. He slowly emerged from his hiding place and pulled off his tunic. His muscular form was as it was in his Jedi days. He would keep his chausses on for modesty's sake, though. He knew Padmé was still angry with him and did not want to presume that any intimacy was forthcoming.

Padmé was already swimming away from the shore as he approached and waded in. The water felt….glorious... he thought with wonder. He had never considered coming to this place in the. Alone as he was, it would have been too unbearable. He dunked himself fully in the water and allowed it to caress him. He did love water. Not as much as he loved Padmé, he thought with a silent chuckle, but it was very gratifying to be surrounded by the things that pleased him the most.

Such a thing had not happened since- he purged that thought from his mind.

Anakin was content to just be in her presence, even if it was only in their dreams. This was as much as he could hope for at this point. Darth Vader's mask brought with it memories of grave and dark deeds. A chasm of regret and misery. And after certain recent revelations, this was as much as he could expect.

He floated on his back letting the sun stroke his face. He was peaceful. Her presence was truly soothing to his scarred soul. He let the water cradle him. It was no great secret why he chose Naboo as the location of their meetings. Not only was it a lush, beautiful planet, but it was also the site of the beginning of their romance. A gentle smile curled his lips.

He sputtered and came up for air.

Padmé, that little Nubian imp had dunked him!

He was so lulled and relaxed that he had not noticed that she had grabbed his ankles and raised them far above his head, effectively immersing him as easy as pie.

He heard her tinkling laughter float on the air as he tried to catch his breath.

At my expense, he thought, and growled with annoyance, as she swam quickly away from him.

Well, he was not going to let her get away with that! He quickly swam towards her and lunged to grab her, only to grasp water.

Quick little minx!

He feinted towards her right and she dodged him to her left and ended up in the prison of his strong arms. He pasted a stern look on his face, despite her laughter. As she moved her arms up around his neck, he tried to keep a straight face.

It was the look in her eye got his attention. She gently pulled his face down to hers, lips just inches away from his.

Time stood still for Anakin.

Could this be the other invitation he was secretly hoping for? He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his head. He leaned down towards her for a kiss…and got dunked again.

Not only did she dunk him again but also she pushed off his chest with her foot for good measure to get a good start back to shore, increasing the distance between them. She was now laughing wildly and totally missed the look of chagrin on his face. He took off quickly after her, once again closing the distance between them.

Padmé tore up the beach toward the blanket with Anakin in hot pursuit. She was not going to get away with this! He'd fully planned to take her struggling back to dunk her in the lake.

It's only fair!

His hand reached to spin her around by the shoulder and she ducked and tripped him with her foot. Anakin's heavy body fell on top of hers, but he softened the fall with his arms- no use in crushing her.

She was still laughing up at his irritated face and flailing her limbs when he grabbed her arms and pinned them above her head. Padmé felt she was going to expire of laughter and Anakin, try as he might, could not keep a straight face. As she struggled to push him off of her, he had settled easily between her thighs and used his weight to pin her down.

Laughing, Anakin was fully prepared to pick her up, toss her over his shoulder, and take her back down to the water for her punishment when his breath caught as suddenly noticed their position. His pulse started racing and body was very quick to react. Padmé instantly became quiet and still, locking gazes as she felt his burgeoning need pressed up against her. She felt a hot surge of desire race through her loins.

They looked into each others' eyes for what felt like an eternity. Anakin released her arms and held himself up on his elbows, not breaking their eye contact. Padmé's arms went around his neck as Anakin's face descended to hers. They felt electricity as their lips met for a deep kiss, their tongues entwining. They were both panting when Anakin broke the kiss to look at Padmé. She returned his hot gaze.

Anakin moved to roll onto his right side off of Padmé. His arms guided her to lay nestled against his chest as their breathing became calmer. Anakin smoothed the wet tendrils of hair out of her face, wanting only to hold Padmé and savor this moment.

No pressure... Really, I want nothing more than to be near her.

He caressed her damp hair and Padmé's arms tightened around him, sighing contentedly. They listened to the sound of the lake lapping at the shoreline as the sun dried their bodies.

Anakin looked down at her intently. He was weighing his words.

"Padmé…do you think that you can ever…forgive me?"

She was stunned that he would mention it, especially now. Regardless, she would have to be completely honest with him about it, in any case.

"I don't know, Anakin…"

He was sorely disheartened at her reply, but felt a tiny tendril of hope grow in him when she gave him a slight hug and her hand began to gently explore his body.

Padmé began to caress Anakin's chest. His breath became quicker. Actually, he was finding it rather difficult to breathe. She moved her body over his and looked down at him. He had a very serious, yet curious look on his face. Padmé lowered her lips to his as her hand continued caressing him. Anakin's body tensed as her hand swept over the defined muscles of his abdomen. Her tongue darted into his mouth and he groaned out loud in pleasure as her hand swept even lower over his body.

He didn't need her to wait to give him a second invitation.

Anakin, with immense pleasure, took over from there.

They used the rest of the time very wisely and quite agreeably.

x x x x

Padmé and Anakin lay together in the warm afterglow of their lovemaking.

The remains of their clothing lay in a haphazard pile. His hand caressed her back as they lay wrapped in the soft blanket. He wished time would stand still for them.

"How much time do we have?" Padmé murmured against his neck. She sounded a bit sad to him.

Anakin's breathing paused a moment and he forced a lightness into his voice.

"Well, you've been staying 'awake' with me much longer each time we meet like this…so I'm hoping for at least half a standard hour more…"

"No, Anakin, that's not what I meant…" She gave him a slight squeeze.

"I know..." His reply was grim and his muscled arm involuntarily tightened around her.

Anxiety gnawed at him and wanted the conversation to end.

Why did she have to bring this up now?

Anakin was irritated with Padmé for bringing it up now. Why did she have to cast a cloud over their rare blissful time together? He knew that events would soon take place and there would be little or no time for their idylls.

He had foreseen it.

It was their Destiny…

"When do you thing it will happen?" she persisted.

"Soon," he answered gruffly.

They lay in silence, each in their own thoughts.