CHAPTER FOUR

"The first people to define and explore conditioning," lectured Jin in a low voice, which Fuu and Mugen fell asleep, "were Ivan Pavlov and B.F. Skinner."

"They're not born yet," said Fuu dully, playing with a twig she'd found on the ground. They had retreated from the town yet again, and were sitting on the edge of the forest. They could still hear the laughter and the music of the fair, and still smell frying food, but they might as well have been a world apart. "And how does any of this help Mugen?"

"It's background information," said Jin, adjusting his glasses. He was sitting on a log stump with his legs crossed, balancing a clipboard and a folder on them. Beside him on smaller tree stumps sat Gordon and Quentin, who Jin had given glasses and clipboards as well.

"Just cure me already!" demanded Mugen. He was lying on his back on the ground, watching Jin upside-down. He opened his arms wide in a gesture of innocence. Jin looked peeved.

"Background information is part of the technique. Any questions before we begin?"

"What's B.F. stand for?"

"Burrhus Frederic."

"Now we know he's making stuff up…" grumbled Mugen.

"Takeda!" snapped Jin, losing patience. Mugen immediately went glossy-eyed and began simpering at Jin's feet.

"Takeda," repeated Fuu, grabbing Mugen by his coat and pulling him back up.

"Why's my mouth taste like socks?"

"Because… it just does," said Fuu. She seized Mugen's shoulders and shoved him down onto a tree stump.

Ensured that he had Mugen's full attention, Jin held up his clipboard. "Real clowns are still too scary for you to face. So I'm going to hold up pictures of clowns instead. When you start feeling nervous I'll just put them down again, okay?"

"And… how's that gonna help me?" asked Mugen, scratching his elbow absent-mindedly.

"You'll soon learn that clowns aren't going to hurt you," said Jin. "You'll be conditioned to accepting their presence without being intimidated by it."

"Okay!" said Mugen. He rubbed his hands together. "Show me your worst."

"My worst?" repeated Jin.

"No! No, I take it back!" said Mugen quickly. Jin smirked before he held up a picture.

"I want you to say what you're feeling."

"Freaked out," said Mugen, shying away from the picture. "Stupid."

"Stupid? How's that different from how you normally feel?" asked Fuu acidicly. Mugen reached out and batted her on the head.

"Okay… I'm really freaked out now… please put the picture away," asked Mugen.

"But that's not even a picture of a clown. That's a picture of a cup of steaming liquid."

"It reminds me of Jin's herbal tea."

"Takeda," said Jin. Mugen dropped to the ground and began praising Jin lovingly. Jin sighed and put away the picture.

"I must have misplaced those clown pictures I had…" he muttered, fingering through the sheaf of papers in his folder. "Let's see…"

"Remind me again why you carry around pictures of clowns," asked Fuu.

"Must you challenge everything I do?"

"Yes! Because so far, you haven't helped Mugen at all, just like you didn't help him at all when he had hiccups."

"What are you talking about? My herbal tea cured him."

"Um, no, it didn't. I cured him," said Fuu.

"No, it was definitely the tea. It just took a few moments to kick in," said Jin wisely. "I forgot to mention that it doesn't take affect right away."

Fuu rolled her eyes while Mugen continued to babble on the ground about not being worthy to be in Jin's awesome and mighty presence.

"Why don't we ask Mugen?" suggested Jin.

Fuu rolled her eyes again.

"Mugen, tell me, what's your honest opinion about my herbal tea?"

"It's the most incredible, delicious, and undeniably healthy tea in the entire universe, Jin-sama," said Mugen.

Jin smirked. "And my sense of humor?"

"Indescribably brilliant."

"See?" gloated Jin.

"Just hurry up and find some clown pictures."

"I can't. We'll just have to dress you up as a clown—"

"Excuse me! Why don't you dress up like a clown, since you think you're so effing funny?"

"I am funny!" insisted Jin. "Listen to this one—"

Fuu clamped her hands over her ears.

"Why did the reporter go to the ice cream shop?"

"Why?" asked Mugen, gazing at Jin with glassy-eyed adoration.

"To get the scoop."

Mugen looked puzzled but laughed hysterically anyway.

Fuu decided enough was enough and said, "Takeda."

Mugen stopped laughing and looked around, at a loss to explain what was happening. "Why am I on the ground?"

"You tripped again," said Fuu.

"You have very bad coordination today," added Jin. He cleared his throat. "Well, I can't seem to find any of my pictures—"

"Praise Allah," mumbled Mugen.

"What did you just say?"

"Nothing."

"Okay…" said Jin slowly. "Well, since I can't find them we're going to have Fuu dress up as a clown—"

"I didn't agree to dress up as a clown!" protested Fuu.

"Listen, it's your quest to find the Sunflower Samurai—"

"River a me cry!" sang Mugen, loudly and off-key. "Cry to turn your it's now, burned were bridges! Guy other some with confused me have must you refuse I girl!"

"Quest," said Fuu.

"Sunflower," said Jin.

"Isn't there a way to turn that off?" demanded Fuu.

"No, unless we hypnotize him again."

"What?" asked Mugen. "Turn what off? What'd you mean, hypnotize me again? It didn't work the first time, why would we—guys? Guys? Turn what off?"

They ignored him. "I'm not dressing up like a clown."

"Then we can't condition him," said Jin smugly.

"I don't understand why you can't dress up as a clown. You wanted to be a clown."

"Turn what off?" asked Mugen.

"Yes, and dressing up like a clown would be very distressing for me!" explained Jin. "I'm not going to relieve my broken dreams!"

"But you're already pale and wearing big pants!"

"Turn what off?" asked Mugen.

"But I'm not funny."

"It doesn't matter if you're funny! All that matters is curing Mugen, not making him laugh!"

"Turn what off?" asked Mugen.

"I have an idea," said Jin. "We'll blindfold Mugen—"

"What? No one's blindfolding me!" cried Mugen.

"We could just lead him as a dog through the town…" pondered Fuu.

"That wouldn't be conspicuous at all," said Jin sarcastically.

"As a dog! What are you taking about?" wailed Mugen.

"You're so stupid!" snapped Fuu. She lost her temper, picked up Gordon's clipboard, and chucked it at Jin's head. Thanks to his excellent samurai reflexes, he ducked out of the way easily. The folder hit a tree behind him and papers flew everywhere. Several pictures of clowns floated down on top of Mugen; he screamed and went sprinting away.

"Oh, there's my pictures," said Jin. "I must have given them to Gordon."

Fuu groaned. "We'll never find him now." She sighed and stood up. "Come on, let's go."

"One sec," said Jin, scooping up all his papers and shoving them back into place. He took Gordon and Quentin's papers as well, gathered up his balloon animals, and then followed Fuu down the road. "He's probably cowering under something again."

"MOOOOOO-GEN!" shouted Fuu, cupping her hands over her mouth.

"MOOOOOO-GEN!" repeated Jin.

"MOOOOOO-GEN!" they called together.

Their only answer came from a curious cow, which was being lead into market by a peasant.

"I don't see him," said Fuu, putting one hand on her hips and observing the busy street, her other hand shielding her eyes from the sun.

"Me neither," said Jin. Fuu turned around; Jin was wearing a red nose. She yanked it off (it squeaked).

"Why are you so mean?"

"Oh—come on!" protested Jin. "He knows I'm only joking. Give me back my nose!"

"No, I'm keeping it until Mugen is cured."

"Give me back my nose!"

"No! I'm keeping your nose, and that's final!"

Jin pouted. He crossed his arms and leaned against a nearby cart. From beneath it, a hand with a tattooed wrist band reached out and gave his hakama a tug.

He looked down. "I found him!" he announced.

Fuu dropped to her knees and peeked at Mugen. "Hi," she said.

"Hi," replied Mugen.

"Are you okay?"

"Yep."

"Do you want to come out?"

"Um, no. That's okay," said Mugen quickly.

"We'll just have to continue conditioning him right here," said Jin. He made Gordon nod in agreement.

"No, Jin. Conditioning isn't working," snapped Fuu.

"Let's take a vote," said Jin. "All in favor of trying something new?"

Fuu raised her hand. From under the cart, Mugen put his hand out. Even the vender standing at his cart raised a hand.

"All in favor of listening to Jin?" asked Jin. He raised his hand, as well as Quentin's and Gordon's.

Fuu sighed in disgust and peered under the cart. "Come on, Mugen. We'll think of something," she said gently.

Timidly, Mugen slid out from under the cart. He got to his feet and brushed dust off of his red coat, then glanced behind him at the cart. His face lit up.

"Look!" he gasped. "They're selling megaphones!"

"Like he needs to be any louder…" said Jin and Fuu together.

Mugen had already grabbed one. Curiously, he held it in front of his mouth. "HOW MUCH DO THESE COST?" he asked into it.

The merchant clamped his hands over his ears. "I'm right here, you know!" he snapped.

"IT'S MORE FUN THIS WAY," said Mugen.

Jin reached out and grabbed the megaphone away. "ATTENTION! ATTENTION!" he shouted. "THERE ARE NO MEGAPHONES IN FEUDAL JAPAN!"

Several people close by winced and covered their ears.

"I'm so sorry…" Fuu told the merchant. "We've had a really, really rough day and I think they're kind of restless."

"HEY JIN! WANT TO HAVE A SHOUTING MATCH?" asked Mugen into a megaphone.

"SURE, MUGEN," shouted Jin.

"Just take them and go!" complained the vender, cringing as Mugen's megaphone shrieked with feedback.

"We can't go anywhere until Mugen stops being afraid of clowns," said Fuu.

"Is that why he was hiding under my cart? Because of clowns?" asked the merchant.

"Yeah," said Fuu. "Nothing can cure him."

"Well, I wouldn't say that," said the megaphone seller slyly. He reached behind a stack of megaphones and pulled out a flyer. He handed it to Fuu. "It's a support group!" he explained. "It can cure any problem but it specializes in phobias! It's guaranteed—the woman who runs it is a professional. She cured me of my fear of loud noises, and now I sell megaphones for a living!"

"THAT'S A VERY TOUCHING STORY," yelled Jin, who'd been listening in for a while.

"YEAH, IT SOUNDS GREAT!" screamed Mugen. "LET'S TRY THE SUPPORT GROUP. THEY'VE GOT TO BE BETTER THAN JIN'S STUPID CONDITIONING PLAN!"

"BE QUIET, MUGEN!"

"NO, YOU BE QUIET!"

"I AM BEING QUIET!"

Fuu yanked the megaphones from their hands and handed them back to the megaphone seller. She thanked him and grabbed the neck of their clothes, dragging them away to the support group.