CHAPTER FIVE

"Hello, and welcome to Cho's Support Group! As you might have guessed, my name's Cho!" Cho smiled brilliantly. "My specialty is, of course, phobias. This support group is going to talk about everything you ever wanted to know about phobias but were afraid to ask." She waited for laughter.

"She's about as funny as you, Jin," whispered Mugen, nudging Jin.

"Okay!" said Cho, clapping her hands together brightly. "Well, I hope everyone here is ready to share all their feelings and heal their souls! And afterwards, we'll have cookies and punch!"

"Yay, cookies!" exclaimed Fuu.

"She's hot," whispered Mugen, nudging Jin.

"Shut up and listen."

"You're gay, aren't you?"

"Shut up and listen," repeated Jin.

Cho's Support Group was held in the basement of a temple, which Jin had said was odd, because most temples don't have basements. And, for that matter, most temples don't have support groups, or fluorescent lights, or metal folding chairs, or cookies and punch. Then Fuu had punched him in the head and he'd decided to be quiet. ("The only reason I didn't retaliate," he'd added, "was because I'm trying to set a good example." He'd pointed to Gordon and Quentin. Fuu had rolled her eyes.)

"You're all here because you have a problem," said Cho. Cho was a perky young woman with long eyelashes, light, streaked hair, and a kimono that couldn't quite hide her extremely big breasts. Mugen was paying very good attention. "The first step to healing is to admit you have a problem," continued Cho. "So before we do anything, we'll go around the room and introduce ourselves, and say what our problem is, okay?"

"Can you do Mugen first?" asked Fuu, raising her hand and pointing to Mugen. "We're in a big hurry."

Cho just laughed. "Why don't we start with you?" she asked, pointing to Jin. Jin pointed to himself in surprise. Cho nodded. Jin looked around and realized he'd accidentally sat down in the circle, next to Mugen.

"Oh… I'm sorry. I don't have a problem," said Jin, rising. Mugen and the man on his right grabbed his sleeves and pulled him back down. Cho tutted.

"Now, we all have problems here. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"No, really," insisted Jin. "I sat here by mistake."

"Come on. Go ahead and tell us," said Cho soothingly, walking up to Jin. Since he was sitting and she was standing, he was about level in her chest. His eyes widened a little, glanced at it, and he said, "My name's Jin—"

"Hi, Jin," said everyone.

"And… I… um… I have a problem with… uh…"

"Jin's in denial because he's gay," said Mugen loudly.

"What? No I'm not!"

"See?" said Mugen triumphantly. "If he weren't in denial about being gay, he wouldn't have said that."

"Okay! Fine! I'm gay!" snapped Jin.

"Hurrah, a breakthrough!" said Cho. "Doesn't it feel better to just be yourself? Isn't Jin brave, everybody? Let's give him a hand!" Everyone clapped.

"Wait! Wait! I'm not really—" protested Jin.

"How about you next?" asked Cho, pointing to the man next to Jin.

"My name's Hideaki…"

"Hi, Hideaki," said everyone.

"…and I have a deep psychological fear of balloon animals."

"Really?" asked Jin. His brow furrowed. "Then why are you sitting next to me? I have two under my seat."

Hideaki went pale, glanced down, screamed, and went running out of the room. Another person screamed and covered his head with their hands. A third person screamed and dived under her chair.

Cho tsked. "It's okay. Hideaki will be back," she said confidentially. "Are you scared of balloon animals too?" she asked the person who'd covered his head.

"No. My name's Goro—"

"Hi, Goro," said everyone.

"… and I'm scared of loud noises."

"Okay. Then we'll try to be quiet." Cho pretended to zip up her lips. Fuu rolled her eyes. Mugen nudged Jin.

"Can you believe how hot she is?" he whispered.

"Why did you tell her I'm gay?" whispered Jin back.

"I'm just killing the competition…"

Cho had turned the person who'd dived under her chair. "How about you?"

"My name's Ume," she said.

"Hi, Ume," said everyone.

"And I have a fear of fear itself."

"Interesting," said Cho, nodding. "Let's see, who haven't we asked yet… how about you?"

"My name's Mugen," said Mugen.

"Hi, Mugen," said everyone.

"I've got a fear of… um… well, actually, let me talk about my past first. I'm an ex-pirate…"

Someone else screamed. Ume screamed. Goro screamed. Ume and Goro screamed.

"Quiet! Quiet, quiet, quiet!" said Cho quickly, putting a comforting hand on Goro's shoulder. "It's okay! What's wrong?" She pointed to the first person who screamed.

"My name's Shun—"

"Hi, Shun," said everyone.

"And I'm scared of… that word."

"What word? Quiet?" asked Cho, confused.

"No, the other word. The P-word."

"Past?"

"No, the other one."

"Pirate?"

Shun screamed. Goro and Ume screamed.

"So you're scared of pirates?"

Shun screamed. Goro and Ume screamed.

"Wait, wait!" interrupted Cho. "I don't understand. Are you scared of… them?"

"No, just the word," said Shun.

"Oh… okay… well, anyways, getting back to Mugen."

"I'm scared of clowns," said Mugen, who'd lost his taste for stalling after triggering a bout of screaming.

"You won't have to worry about them here!" said Cho. "Everyone remember, this is a safe place! We're all safe here!" She smiled brilliantly. Fuu crammed a cookie into her mouth with a groan.

"I guess that just leaves you," said Cho. She pointed to the last member of the group, a very very old woman.

"I'm Nanami."

"Hi, Nanami," said everyone.

"And I'm an alcoholic."

"Ahh. That's a very serious problem," said Cho, nodding.

"I can't help it," explained Nanami. "I just drink too much sake. It's hurting my friendships and it's costing me a lot of money. I don't want to drink anymore."

"Very good!" said Cho. She clapped her hands together again. "Well, now we all know each other! We have four phobias, a homosexual, and a hopeless drunk! And now we can start healing all of you pathetic losers!"

"Yay!" cried Fuu. (She had found the cookies and her mouth was stuffed so full that her cheeks were bulging.)

"I'm having second thoughts," whispered Jin, leaning close to Mugen.

"You should never have second thoughts… about anything," whispered Mugen back, in a disturbing voice. Jin pulled back, confused. Mugen winked at him.

"So!" said Cho. "First we're all going to watch a short instructional video about how this group works, and learn some basic rules about respecting each other. I don't want to have to go through last year's Pudding Cup Incident again."

Mugen slid his hand over Jin's thigh. Jin squeaked and half-rose from his seat.

"Cho!" complained Nanami, raising her hand. "The ex-pirate is flirting with the queer!"

Shun screamed. Goro and Ume screamed.

"What the—okay, this isn't working. Jin, why don't you switch places with Shun?"

"With pleasure," said Jin, jerking away from Mugen. He gave Fuu a questioning look. Fuu shrugged.

Shun sat next to Mugen. Mugen smiled at him seductively and ran his finger down Shun's arm. Shun moved his chair over, looking very uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, Cho had dragged a television into the room. Jin raised his hand. "There's no televisions in feudal Japan."

"He's right, you know," said Nanami.

Cho turned around and put her hands on her hips. "Now, do you want me to help you or not?"

"Yes," they all chimed together. Apparently too loudly, because Goro screamed. Then Ume screamed. Goro screamed again.

"Oh!" said Fuu, who suddenly realized what was wrong with Mugen. He was murmuring to Shun and twirling a lock of his long hair. Shun looked very uncomfortable indeed. "Sake!" she called. Mugen started like he'd just woken up from a trance… which he had.

"Sake?" repeated Nanami, turning in her seat. "Where?"

"There's no sake," said Fuu.

"Then why did you say sake?"

"Stop saying sake!" yelled Nanami.

Goro screamed. Ume screamed.

"EVERYONE BE QUIET AND WATCH THE VIDEO!" shouted Cho. Goro screamed very quietly. So did Ume.

Cho walked over to the light switch. "Can I turn off the lights?"

"Yes," chimed everyone, quietly.

"Okay." Cho turned off the lights and pressed the "Play" button on the remote. For a moment there was only the blue screen of the television, then…

A horrible white clown with red tufts of hair and pointed teeth appeared, laughing evilly.

Mugen screamed. Goro screamed. Ume screamed loudest. Goro screamed some more.

"Oops! Sorry!" said Cho, stopping the movie. "That was the movie It. My mistake!"

"Way to go," said Nanami sarcastically. She extended her leg and poked Mugen a few times; he was quivering on the ground helplessly. "You scared… I forget his name… the ex-pirate."

Shun screamed. Goro and Ume screamed.

"Don't say pirate!" Cho reminded her.

Shun screamed. Goro and Ume screamed.

"But you just said pirate," said Jin. Shun, Goro, and Ume screamed.

"I didn't mean to say pirate," said Cho. Shun, Goro, and Ume screamed again. "For Pete's sake!" exclaimed Cho.

"Hey, sweetheart," said Mugen, licking his lips and staring pointedly at Shun.

"She said sake, not sake," interrupted Fuu.

"Sake? Where?" asked Nanami, turning in her seat.

Fuu and Cho buried their faces in their hands. "This is the worst group I've ever had!" cried Cho. "I'm afraid we'll never get anything done."

"Afraid!" cried Ume. She screamed. Goro screamed.

"This isn't working." Fuu grabbed the back of Mugen's coat and pulled him up. "Come on… we'll have to think of something else." With a sigh, Jin rose as well, gathering Gordon and Quentin in his arms.

"Wait!" cried Cho. "You can't leave now—you've still got a very serious phobia!"

"I'm not sure this is what's right for us," said Fuu. Cho looked so depressed that Fuu searched for something nice to say. "The cookies were good," she said. "And at least you had one breakthrough." She nodded to Jin.

"But I'm not—" protested Jin.

"Hey, that's right! I did cure one person!" said Cho brightly. "That reminds me." She rooted around in her kimono for a pen, found it, grabbed Jin's hand, and began writing on it. "This is my cousin's phone number," she said. She winked. "Call him."

"What?" yelled Jin. Goro screamed. Ume screamed.