(Thank you to everyone for being patient for Chapter Seven. BTW, the antelope joke is Shenji's. I laughed until I cried.)

CHAPTER SEVEN

"Lately, I've been worried Jin isn't respecting us," said Yukimaru. He was, of course, dressed as a clown, in large pinstripe pants and a frilly yellow shirt.

"What are you talking about?" asked Jin, who had a large rainbow afro but hadn't yet changed out of his rugby uniform. "Of course I respect you!"

"Not you! The other Jin. The one who's made us all dress up as clowns, and who's sending some lunatic guy from Ryuukuu here to try to kill us."

"Sheesh, lighten up," said Fuu, who was tied up in a chair in the middle of the room. "If it cures Mugen of his phobia, it'll all be worth it."

"I don't think it'll work."

"Of course it will!" insisted Fuu. Still seated, she hopped across the room to join the group. "Mugen really cares about me. As soon as Jin—the other Jin—tells him I've been kidnapped, he'll forget all about how scared he is and rush to rescue me!" She paused. "Um, by the way… you weren't really supposed to tie me up."

"That's okay," said Bunta absent-mindedly.

"At least we can practice our jokes while we wait!" said Juunosuke brightly.

"To every cloud, a silver lining," said Toshi with an agreeable nod.

"Oh, I've got one!" cried Bunta. "What do you call a deer that can bring down a deer from either flank?"

"What?" asked Fuu cautiously.

"Bambidextrous!"

Fuu groaned. Tamasine pushed Bunta out of the way. "Wait, wait, I've got a better one! I had a dream that I was in Panama during a snowstorm! I was dreaming of a white isthmus!"

Fuu groaned louder. "Torture wasn't part of the deal!" she exclaimed, inching her chair away from the group of excited clowns-cum-samurai.

"Wait, wait! Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? It turned into a field!"

"HELP!" screamed Fuu. "HELP! HELP!"

"Mugen! Mugen, wake up!"

Mugen opened one eye sleepily. "What now?"

"Fuu's been kidnapped!" said Jin anxiously.

Mugen stretched, sat up, and looked around blearily. It was night, and he'd been sitting under an evergreen. He stood up and rubbed his legs—he had pins and needles. Literally. "So what?" he asked.

"We've got to go rescue her!" announced Jin.

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"I mean, why?" repeated Mugen, cracking his neck and stretching some more.

"Because—Mugen, we've got a debt to her!" Jin drew himself up wisely and adjusted his glasses. "She saved our lives! The least we can do is help her find her Sun—I mean, help her on her que—I mean, act as her bodyguards."

Mugen just stared at Jin through bored, half-raised eyelids. "Sorry, man. You've got the head of a balloon rabbit sticking out of your kimono. I'm having trouble listening."

Jin shoved Quentin's head out of sight. "Come on!" he commanded. "We've got to go rescue Fuu."

"Naw," said Mugen, leaning against a tree and putting his hands behind his head.

"Mugen, you have to!" said Jin, clearly getting panicked.

"I already rescued her a bunch of times," said Mugen lazily, reaching up and playing with a leaf that was dangling over his head. "My debt's paid off. If she's gone, then all I gotta say is… good riddance."

Jin blinked in surprise. This wasn't exactly part of the plan. Mugen was usually gung-ho about any sort of suicidal mission, because it was an excuse to whip out his sword and start cutting people down.

"But, Mugen…" Jin gestured frantically. Mugen watched him, still bored.

"You go on ahead," said Mugen, sticking a straw in his mouth. "I'll just hang out here, okay?"

"What if they overpower me?" asked Jin anxiously. "I might need you!"

Finally, Mugen looked interested. "You need me?" he said, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "So you're admitting I'm superior to you?"

Jin gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. "No," he growled defiantly, glaring at Mugen over the top of his glasses. He changed tactics. "I bet the reason you don't want to come rescue Fuu is because you're scared! You're a coward!"

"You already used that tactic to lure me into town once, man. It's not gonna work a second time," said Mugen. He yawned. The straw fell out of his mouth. He began searching the ground for a new one.

"Please, Mugen," said Jin.

"Get on your knees."

"What?"

"Get on your knees and beg me, and then maybe I'll come. If I feel like it."

Jin scratched his head and cast an anxious look around. He wasn't looking for observers; he didn't care if some person he didn't even know saw him begging Mugen. Actually, he was looking for oil. (Even though Fuu said it wasn't going to turn into yaoi, he couldn't help feeling something was very, very wrong.)

Finally, he knelt on one knee. "Mugen, please accompany me to rescue Fuu," he muttered grudgingly.

"Both knees, head bowed," said Mugen, crossing his feet and tapping one foot contentedly. "And be a little more respectful."

Jin put his other knee down and bowed his head. "Mugen-kan—"

"More respectful."

"Mugen-san—"

"More."

"Mugen-sama—"

"More."

"Mugen-dono—"

"More."

"Damn it, Mugen, I can't go any higher, and even if I could, we're wasting valuable time!" snapped Jin.

"Okay, okay, I'll come," said Mugen with a sigh. "But first I need to borrow your phone."

"Why?"

Mugen stuck out a hand. Jin pulled out both balloon animals from his kimono, his clipboard, three pairs of spare glasses, and a bottle of ketchup before he found his phone. He handed it to Mugen.

"I want to get a video of you begging me," explained Mugen. "And thanks to Sprint's incredible video-phone technology, now I can! As you can see, this is the model A500, which has the same simple user interface that was introduced in earlier models, but has improved design, shape, and user experience, plus incredible quality, longer battery life, and an LCD display that—"

"Are you being paid by Sprint or something?" interrupted Jin crossly.

"It's called product placement," called Toshi's disembodied voice from the trees.

"The disembodied voice is right," agreed Mugen. "Now go ahead and beg me."

Mumbling, Jin said very quickly, "Mugen-dono, please help me, lowly Jin, to rescue Fuu."

"Excellent. Thank you, lowly Jin," said Mugen, tucking the phone into his pocket. He pushed himself away from the trees, heaved Jin to his feet, and began sauntering toward the town. "Let's go quickly so we don't see… any… you know."

"Clowns? Oh, don't worry," said Jin with a smirk. "I'm sure we won't."

"Where are they?" cried Fuu anxiously. "I can't stand much more of this!"

"I'm sorry, Fuu," said Juunosake. "It's completely pun-intentional."

"A day without wordplay is like a day without punshine," said Bunta.

"Punsters deserve to be drawn and quoted," said Yukimaru.

"Good puns are their own reword," added Tamasine.

"ARRGG! You're not even a clown! You're like a mime! And mimes aren't supposed to talk!"

Everyone looked to Tamasine to see how he would refute this claim. The truth was, he really was more of a mime than a clown. Unlike everyone else, he was wearing all black, and his face was painted white with black diamonds around his eyes.

"You will think I'm funny," he said, waving a hand mysteriously over Fuu's face.

"What the heck are you trying to do?"

"Jedi Mime Trick," he said.

"ARRGG!"

"No, seriously, I wanted to be a mime," said Tamasine. "But I talked myself out of it."

"ARRGG! Where are Jin and Mugen!

"I'm right here," said Jin.

"Don't worry, Fuu," said Yukimaru, patting her shoulder as she struggled against her bonds. "I'm sure they're okay. Unless they've eaten butter recently."

"Huh? Why? What's wrong with butter?" asked Fuu in confusion.

"Haven't you heard?" asked Yukimaru anxiously. "Scientists have found traces of a fatal new virus contained in soft butter. And they say it spreads very easily."

"ARRGG! That butter joke was terrible!"

"I thought it was funny," said Jin.

"I'll take that as a condiment," said Yukimaru with a bow.

"ARRGG! I hope you all die! Your jokes are terrible! It's no wonder you all became samurai."

"Well, unemployment wasn't working for us," said Yukimaru.

"Actually, I was a banker for a while," said Bunta. "But I lost interest."

"I don't know if the samurai thing is working either," admitted Tamasine. "I mean, we've all died. Besides that, there's so many different styles… Tae Kwan Do, Judo, Kenjutsu... it's very kungfusing."

"ARRGG!"

"But our clown days are over," said Juunosake sadly. "And now we're all disciples of kenjutsu and Buddhism. So I guess you could say…"

"That was ZEN and this is TAO!" chimed in everyone at once.

"ARRGG! That's the worse one yet!" cried Fuu. "And Taoism is Chinese, not Japanese!"

"Actually, Fuu, Zen came China as well, and in fact is derived from Buddhism, which began in India," said Tamasine wisely.

"The history is actually much more complicated than he's making it," said Toshi.

"Wow," said Fuu, blinking in surprise. "You got really serious all of a sudden."

"We can change the subject. Why don't you tell us that story about your haunted refrigerator, Bunta?"

"I would, but it's just too chilling to talk about."

"ARRGG! Will you at least plug my ears!"

"Hey, that reminds me of another mime joke," said Tamasine.

"It's probably just the same stupid joke you've been telling for years," muttered Toshi.

"As I've said before, I never repeat myself."

"ARRGG! Go back to being serious!"

"Okay, I'll compromise. How many antelope does it take to change a light bulb? None, they are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source."

"HEEEEELP!"

"Okay, Mugen!" said Jin wisely. "This is it!"

"Wait," said Mugen slowly. "How did you know this is where Fuu is being kept hostage?"

"Um…" Jin lowered his sword and took a moment to consult with Gordon and Quentin.

Mugen waited. They were standing in a very narrow and mostly-empty street, although the noise and light from the main streets spilled over into the otherwise depressing atmosphere of the side road. The buildings were pressed tightly together, and puddles of water and garbage had gathered in the pot-holed street. Jin and Mugen had been standing with their backs pressed against the wall, swords raised, one on either side of a dark and mysterious doorway.

"Never mind. Let's just go."

"How about you go, and I'll stay here and keep watch?" suggested Mugen.

"No, you have to come."

"Why?"

Jin lost patience, grabbed Mugen's arm, and shoved him inside the building. "You look upstairs, and I'll look downstairs," he said.

"Why can't I look downstairs?"

Jin's eyes narrowed. He tried to remember everything he'd ever learned about reverse psychology. "Okay. You look downstairs and I'll look upstairs."

"Okay!" said Mugen cheerfully. He began strutting down the dark, narrow hall. Jin grabbed him.

"I changed my mind! You look upstairs and I'll look upstairs. No, wait. I mean, I'll look upstairs… no… you go upstairs!"

"And you go downstairs?"

"No, I go downstairs and you go upstairs."

"That's what I said!"

Jin shook his head out. "You go upstairs and I'll follow, and Gordon and Quentin can search downstairs, okay?"

"What about Jin?"

"I'm right here."

"Huh?"

"Mugen, we're looking for Fuu."

"But you're right here!"

'Yes, and Fuu's missing!"

"Are you crazy?"

"No, you're crazy!" Jin grabbed Mugen's shoulders and shook him. "Will you please just focus?"

"Fine, O Chubby Annoying One."

"Oh!" realized Jin. "I'm sorry, I said Gordon." With that, he gave Mugen an encouraging push. "Now, go get 'em, tiger!"

With a raised eyebrow, Mugen stalked off into the darkness, sword at ready. Jin waited until he was a good distance away before pulling out his cell phone and dialing.

"Mission Hickory Dickory Doc is officially hunky-dory," he said in a low voice, glancing around shiftily.

"Hickory door what?" asked Yukimaru on the other line.

Jin sighed. "Mugen's here."

"Why can't you just say that in the first place?"

"Never mind! Just get ready, will you?"

"You betcha!"

"JIN!" shouted Mugen. "Stop talking to those stupid balloon animals and hurry up, will you?"

"Coming!" called Jin.

"Alright, you kidnapping mofos!" yelled Mugen. "No ones steals Fuu but me! Come out here so I can cut you a new one!"

"Uh, Mugen, you don't have to shout," whispered Jin, catching up to Mugen and peering over his shoulder.

"I wish I'd bought a megaphone back in chapter four."

Jin gave Mugen another encouraging push, just as Tamasine burst forth, sword raised. Dressed as he was in a black kimono, and black hakama, the only thing they saw at first was his silver sword blade and his white face—but apparently, that was enough.

"AAHHHH!" screamed Mugen. He leapt into Jin's arms and hid his face in Jin's kimono. There was a popping noise.

"NOOO!" cried Jin. "Quentin!" Angrily, he dropped Mugen. "Damn you, Mugen! That's not even a clown! It's a mime!"

"I am too a clown!" said Tamasine.

"You're a mime!"

"Clown!"

"Mime!"

"Clown!"

"Mime!"

Mugen dared peek through his fingers. He stood up and brushed himself off, looking anxiously at the quibbling samurai.

"Look, see, I'm stuck in an invisible box!" said Tamasine, demonstrating. "And now I'm walking down stairs! And now I'm playing tug of war with an invisible rope! Uh-oh, I'm stuck in a box again!"

"But you're still a clown."

"I'm a mime."

"DIE, MIME!" screamed Mugen suddenly. He leapt through Tamasine's invisible box and brought his sword down on his head. Tamasine crumpled where he stood. Mugen stood over him, panting. "I hate mimes," he hissed softly. "They're like… CLOWNS! AAHHHH!" He jumped, but Jin had already stepped away, worried that Mugen would pop Gordon. Toshi, whose face was already painted in a huge red frown to match the red flower stuck into the button-hole of his polka-dot shirt, cried out.

"You killed Toshi!"

"That was Tamasine."

"Well, you killed one of us, anyway!"

"DIE, CLOWN!" screamed Mugen.

"You tell them, Mugen!" encouraged Jin, leaning against the wall and opening a book while Mugen faced an onslaught of clowns. He gutted one and kicked another in the face, leaping onto his hands to ensure he cracked his jaw. He landed spryly back onto his feet and his sword flashed. For a split second, someone managed to disarm him, but even without his sword, he bested all of them. He cracked a bottle of seltzer over Yukimaru's head, grabbed the other Jin by his rainbow hair, and smashed him against Juunosake, cracking two skulls at once.

Jin whistled and turned the pages.

Mugen turned to him, splattering in blood, eyes wide.

"Look at that! It's like… like an infestation!" he gasped, making a sweeping motion with his sword at all the bodies lying on the ground.

"You got 'em, Mugen," said Jin encouragingly.

Mugen looked around, still wide-eyed. "I think I'm gonna piss myself."

"That's nice," said Jin. He slung an arm over Mugen. "Come on. Let's get Fuu."

"What if there's more?" squeaked Mugen.

"I think you got them all."

"I'm still alive!" called the other Jin, waving a hand in the air from beneath several of his fellows' bodies.

"AAHHHH! DIE, YOU RUGBY-PLAYING BASTARD CLOWN!" Mugen stomped on the other Jin's head with his metal-soled geta. He grabbed the first Jin. "Let's go!" He hauled Jin down the hall and up another flight of stairs. This hall was silent. Mugen squeezed Jin's arm.

"You go first!"

"You're a big baby."

"And you talk to balloon animals and think you can hypnotize people like a four-eyed dipwad," sneered Mugen, forgetting to be scared for a moment. "You son of a—"

"Takeda."

"—beautiful, wise, loving master!" finished Mugen, kissing Jin's sleeve obsessively.

"Takeda," repeated Jin. He pointed. "That's where Fuu is. Go rescue her."

Mugen looked acutely nervous. The shoji screen was open a crack, and dim light was falling into the hallway. He could hear quiet scuffles and see an occasional shadow.

He raised his sword, gulped audibly, and inched forward. "I… hate… clowns," he whispered. "I… hate… clowns… I… hate… clowns…"

He flung open the door.

"SURPRISE!" shouted Fuu, Cho, Nanami, Hideaki, Shun, Ume, Goro, and the megaphone seller.

"AAHHHH!" screamed Mugen, automatically slicing the throat of the nearest person, who was the megaphone seller.

Ume and Goro screamed.

Mugen dropped his sword and looked around wildly. "What the…"

"Congratulations on overcoming your fear, Mugen!" said Cho. She frowned at the dead megaphone seller. "I should probably mention we're having an anger management seminar next Wednesday."

Mugen looked around, confused. "I don't get it. I thought Fuu was being held prisoner."

"I thought you were tied up," added Jin, looking equally confused

"Nope! We set you up," said Fuu happily to Mugen. To Jin, she explained, "I was tied up. I yelled so loud that Cho and the others heard me and helped untie me. We decided to decorate the room and throw Mugen a party. You know, to congratulate him. And also to apologize for setting him up and makiing him look stupid."

"WHY I OUGHTA—" began Mugen.

"Mugen!" interrupted Jin loudly. "Don't you see? You're not scared of clowns anymore!"

"Yes I am! I'm terrified of clowns. I'm petrified. I still hate clowns!"

"But you overcame your fear!" said Cho. She sidled up to Mugen and put a comforting hand on his arm. He looked down at her very low-cut neckline. "Don't you see, Mugen? Overcoming fears has nothing to do with not being afraid. It just means that you don't let your fear get in the way of what's really important to you."

"And I learned a lesson too!" said Jin, not to be outdone. "I learned that… that… life is like…"

"A box of chocolates?" suggested Fuu cynically, crossed her arms.

"Yes! Precisely! Life is like a box of chocolates! It's… brown… and… small. And sometimes it's sweet, but not if it's one of those gross coconut-filled ones… I don't like those… but I do like the ones with nuts…"

Cho checked her watch.

"And sometimes there are those ones with orange stuff in the middle… those are gross too… so you sort of have to push on the bottom to find out the filling… and then if you put it back the filling sticks to those little paper things inside the box… and you know how people always take the chocolates and leave the little papery things… so it's an empty box with paper… but that's not like life… life has to have chocolates in the box…"

"Thanks Jin," interrupted Cho, as Jin started to take a breath to say more. She turned to Mugen. "The important thing is that Mugen sees now that he can face his fear of clowns and not let his life be crippled by it."

"Yeah… yeah!" exclaimed Mugen. "I really showed those clowns and that mime who's boss!"

"And now we can all celebrate and have cake," said Fuu.

"No," said Jin.

"Huh?"

"Nada."

"What?"

"Negatory."

"What negatory, Jin?"

"We're out of cake."

"How can we be out of cake? We haven't even started the party!"

Jin shrugged. He was holding a paper plate in one hand, and Gordon in the other. Gordon had icing smeared all over his head.

Fuu crossed her arms. "You don't expect me to believe the balloon animal ate all the cake."

"BALLOON ANIMAL?" shrieked Hideaki. He went running out of the room. Ume and Goro screamed.

"He did," insisted Jin. He handed Gordon over to Fuu. Inside Gordon, Fuu could clearly see pieces of cake.

"How in the heck…?" puzzled Fuu, turning over the balloon animal.

"But it's okay," said Jin quickly, as Fuu pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration and Mugen tapped his foot impatiently. "We still have pie."

"Pie?" ventured Fuu, looking up.

Jin smashed a pie in her face.

THE END