Title: Our Lion In Winter
Pen Name/Nickname: Redconky
Email: Rating : PG/K+
Author's Notes: The characters aren't mine. This is my first fanfic in about three years and even though I do intend to finish the series A Fork In the Road, I can't decide right now whether or not to make this a part of it. This is a way for me to direct my grief at the passing of John Spencer, who brought Leo to life and, consequently, who will always live in our hearts. I'm not making one thin dime off of this. As always, characters' thoughts are in italics.
"Josh," Donna whispered from behind.
There was no answer from the man standing in the camelhair coat over the freshly-dug grave. He was staring down in disbelief.
"You're Leo McGarry. You're not going to be taken down by this small fraction of a man. I won't permit it." It seems like a lifetime ago I told him that, and I meant it. Maybe I'm the small fraction of a man who took him down. I pushed him to run for VP. I went to him because I was doubting my strategic decisions. I should have known better, after his heart attack and all. I should have known better.
"Stop blaming yourself," Donna whispered.
"Who said I'm blaming myself?" Josh asked as he turned around to face her. She kept her hands warm in the pockets of her black wool coat, shaking her head at his reply.
"I did. Because I know you. Because if you blame yourself then you'll delude yourself into thinking you have control. But you have no more control of this than when your sister died looking for you in a burning house or when your father died while you were campaigning for President Bartlet. People we love die. We're fallible, and it sucks, but there it is."
Josh stepped up to Donna so that he was five inches from her face. He whispered angrily so as not to be overheard by other mourners at Arlington, even though the closest ones were across the street and three rows in.
"I persuaded him to join the ticket. I should have known better. He stepped down as chief of staff for cryin' out loud because of his health. I should have found someone else. I should have looked out for him. I should have been more responsible." He turned away to hide the tears welling in his eyes.
"Josh . . . ." Donna said a little louder than whispering level. She knew he was crying. She placed both of her hands on his shoulders, but Josh refused to turn around. He held his face in his hands.
"I leaned on him too much. I depended on him too much. I broke him. Did I want him to be vice-president for him, or to prove my political prowess? That I could get someone with his history that close to the Oval? What in the hell was I thinking?"
His tears forced him to nearly yell to be heard. "Dammit, why did I do it?"
He crumbled beside the as yet unmarked grave of Leo McGarry, former Air Force pilot and Chief of Staff to President Josiah Bartlet. He felt the cold wetness of the autumn rain-created mud on his knees. Six feet had never looked so deep in his life. He kept his face buried in his palms.
Josh was not one to cry easily. Donna believed Josh should have more often – it might have helped him to get out all of those awful emotions he bottled up inside. Even though she believed this, she wasn't sure what to do now. So she kept talking so Josh would know he wasn't as alone as he thought.
"You're not the only one who loved him. I loved him, too. He never treated me like an assistant. He never told me he respected me, but he showed me by listening to me. He didn't tell me I was important, but showed me by caring about me."
Her voice began to crack now as the tears hit the back of her throat.
"Josh, after your dad died, you inadvertently adopted him as a father figure. He felt as responsible for you as a son."
"If that's true, I was a lousy son. I didn't take care of him."
"You were both doing what you loved. You were joined by your love of country and what you believe is right. If it hadn't been the campaign, Leo would have found something else. Leo wasn't an armchair quarterback. He died doing what he loved. What better way for him to leave us?"
By the time Donna finished this speech, she found herself kneeling beside Josh, with both of her arms around him, her chest pressed against his right shoulder. Josh knew Leo was doing what he loved at the end, but he still couldn't wash out his stain of guilt with all the tears he was shedding. Leo had been mentor, friend, and yes, even a second father.
"What will I do without him?" Josh asked softly as he lifted his head from his hands and turned to face her.
"What will any of us do without him? We'll carry on. We'll carry him in our hearts. We'll remember him when we think we can't do what needs to be done, and we'll do it anyway. He went out like a lion, Josh. Isn't that the way you want to go?"
Josh lifted his head to the woman who was once his assistant, but who looked more now like his guardian angel with her flaxen hair blowing, juxtaposed against the gray sky. He put his hand to her left cheek to wipe away her tears.
"Yeah." Josh paused for a moment, looking at her face.
"What?" she asked him without blinking or drawing away.
"God I missed you," Josh whispered while gazing into her eyes.
"I missed you too, Josh," Donna whispered back.
They drew each other into a tight embrace, still kneeling on the cold mud, wind whipping around them, for what seemed like forever.
THE END