A Fool To Think

Chapter Eighteen

"Your apology?" Martin repeated, not really believing her. This whole situation of her coming to his apartment was odd and he couldn't help thinking that this was some kind of trick.

"Yes, my apology." Sam looked around the hallway.

"Why are you apologizing?" Martin asked, suspicious of her.

"May I please come in?" She asked hesitantly. He seemed to be in a really foul mood. It crossed her mind that maybe now wasn't the best time to talk to him after all, but dismissed that idea. She had to talk to him now. "I really don't want to talk about this in your hallway."

He stared at her for a few minutes, trying to decipher whether she was being sincere or not. With a sigh, he unlocked his door and motioned for her to go in first.

Sam quickly entered the apartment, realizing that if she didn't hurry he might change his mind and leave her standing alone in the hallway. Taking a quick look around, she couldn't help smiling at the décor of the apartment. Everything from the couch to the items on the bookcase seemed to illustrate Martin's personality perfectly.

"Nice place." She commented as she heard him close the door.

"I like it. That's all that matters." He gruffly replied, staring at her back. "So why are you really here?"

"I already told you. I came to apologize. I haven't been nice to you and I haven't been very fair to you either. I've hurt you because of something I believed you had done to me."

"You know, I'm not even sure I want to hear this anymore." Martin interrupted her speech. His statement caused her to turn around and look at him with a confused face.

"I'm moving on Samantha. I'm getting past you." Martin continued. "I've spent the last ten years of my life analyzing every moment we spent together trying to come up with the reason why you left me…to find the reason you are so determined that I am a bad guy. But I have come up with nothing!"

"Time and time again I have come up empty-handed. I've wasted years of my life pining for you and quite frankly I'm tired of it. I think I'm better off not knowing why you left and I don't think I care about it anymore. I don't think I can afford to care about you anymore Samantha. It's too exhausting and painful."

She listened to his words, trying to find something to say that would make him change his mind. "After everything I've done…everything I'd said to you…I guess I can understand why you feel that way. But I really think that you should just hear me out. Please?"

"Why should I?" Martin asked.

"Because I need to get this out and you deserve to hear it." She replied. "All I need is five minutes. If you still feel like you can't afford to care about me after those five minutes, then I'll leave you alone."

He thought about it for a moment and decided to let her speak. After all, what could she possibly say to him in five minutes that would change his mind? "You have fine minutes." Glancing at his watch, he noted the time. "Starting now."

"Ok." She took a deep breath to prepare herself for the fight of her life. "Where should I begin?"

"How about the beginning?" Martin suggested sarcastically.

"I guess it all began about a week before we were supposed to get married…"

Four minutes later, Sam was finishing her speech. "I know I've hurt you Martin and I will never be able to forgive myself for that. But at the time, I was really convinced that you were the one behind the website. All the evidence pointed to you and although I didn't want to believe it, I didn't know what else to think."

"I'm used to having the men in my life mistreat me and use me. I know that's no excuse for not trusting you though. I should have trusted you. But I didn't and instead I fell into Alex's trap and helped him carry out his plan to destroy us."

"Your time's up." Martin interrupted, having heard enough. He was shocked when he heard Sam explain about the website and about how Alex was behind it but framed him for it. But he was even more shocked to hear that Sam actually thought that he was capable of doing something like that to her.

Didn't she know him at all? Didn't she know that he would never disrespect a woman like that? She should have forgotten all about the evidence and trusted him. She should have come to him about it instead of leaving him on their wedding day without any kind of closure.

A lot of things started to make sense to him though. He now understood why she was so furious with him. She thought that he was the one behind the website and hidden cameras. Many of his questions surrounding why she left him were finally answered; however, new questions popped into his head and filled the empty spaces.

"I can't believe what I'm hearing." He moved over to the couch and sat down, leaning over and putting his head in his hands.

"I'm sorry." She had managed not to cry during the entire five minutes, but now she was finding it hard to keep herself together. "I'm so sorry."

"Why couldn't you have just talked to me instead of running away?" He asked softly.

"I honestly don't know." Sam replied.

"How could you ever think that I could be that kind of person?" He asked, looking over at her. "How could you? Didn't you know me at all?"

"There was evidence…"

"Screw the evidence!" Martin shouted. "That's a cop-out Samantha and you know it!"

She jumped slightly at his sudden shouting and stared at the carpet.

"If you had truly known me…if you had truly loved me…you wouldn't have been able to think I was capable of doing that to you. I know that you have had problems with men in the past, but I thought that you trusted me. I thought that you knew I wasn't like them."

"I did!" She assured him.

"No you obviously didn't." He shook his head. "Not really at least. I'm not even sure you really loved me."

"How can you say that?" Sam asked him. "I loved you more than anything in this world. I still do."

"See I have a problem believing that." He laughed. "If you loved me that much then how could you leave me like that?"

"It was a stupid thing to do and I'll regret it for the rest of my life." She walked over to the coffee table and sat on it so that she was right in front of him.

"Leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever done. Even though I thought you were the person behind the whole website and I was furious with you, I still loved you. That's what made me so mad. I still loved you, even after I thought you did all those terrible things to me."

"But I didn't do those terrible things to you." Martin interjected.

"And I know that now." Sam told him. "I'm so sorry about everything. I just want…"

"What? What do you want from me now Samantha?" He asked with a huge sigh. "Tell me. What do you want? Forgiveness? Friendship? Do you want me to kiss you and tell you that everything's ok now? That the past ten years don't matter and we can pick up where we left off all those years ago? Is that what you want? 'Cause I don't see any of that happening."

"I know that I don't have the right to ask for anything from you." She admitted.

"Damn right you don't." He told her.

She slowly stood up, realizing that there was no way she was going to change Martin's mind right now. "I'd love it if you could at least forgive me for the way I treated you. But if that's not something you can do, then I guess I'll just have to live with that."

"I don't think I can forgive you Samantha." He told her, not looking at her. He was afraid that if he looked at her and saw the tears that were undoubtedly building in her eyes, then he would lose his resolve. He'd take her in his arms and never let her go.

That wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, but he wasn't ready for that. "At least I can't right now. I've spent too much of my life preoccupied with thoughts of you. I need to move on."

She closed her eyes in a vain attempt to keep the tears from flowing. But it didn't stop a few from trickling down her face. "I understand." No matter how hard she tried, her voice still trembled and she knew that she had to get out of his apartment before she completely fell apart. "I'll show myself out."

Once she closed his door, she moved off to the side and slid down to the floor. She pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her head to stifle the sobs that were unable to be contained. She figured that it would be difficult to tell Martin the truth about everything, but had no idea that he would react this way and be so angry.

She kept telling herself that he had every right to be angry with her. She left him at the alter, broke his heart, accused him of being slime, and the worst part was it was all based on a lie. Her only hope was that he would eventually get past his anger and they could at least forge some kind of friendship.

She'd love to get back together with him, but realized that the chances of that happening were very slim. So she'd settle for a friendship. Anything to at least have him be a part of her life again.

He didn't say anything as she left and only looked towards the door after she was gone. There was a part of him that really wanted to grab onto her and never let go again. He wanted to comfort her over the pain that she must have felt when she discovered the website and all of the awful things that Alex did to her.

He wanted to forget that the past ten years had even existed and surround himself with her love again. But then there was another part of him that resisted that idea.

That part wanted to distance himself from Sam and keep her as far away from him as possible so that she couldn't hurt him again. He wanted to move on and find a new relationship that wouldn't carry so much emotional baggage and pain.

Right now, the side that wanted to distance himself from Sam was winning the internal battle within. But the war wasn't over yet.