Spirit (Part Two)
Characters: Zechs, Noin, Hilde, Treize, Une, Mariemaia, Sally, Mrs Peacecraft, Mr Peacecraft, Dorothy, Quatre, Relena
Warnings: swear words, OOCness and total crack.
Notes: Most of characters are the elves, of the Santa's workshop kind. Or reindeer. Or witches. This takes place in the North Pole and the C date is fast approaching. Each of the characters are basically miserable slobs and as the title suggests are much needing some spirit.
In less time that a goldfish could imagine, Une had opened her mouth and shrieked. It echoed in the ballroom and at once all eyes were on the crouching Lady.
She stared around the elves, witches, wizards and the sundry with her mouth rapidly drying out and her eye balls bulging as she struggled to say anything.
"My own blue balls, is that you Lady Une?" Treize cried out in horror as he gazed upon Une. He was jazzed up his normal uniform and had tried to make his hair into what was currently fashionable among the young elves. Unfortunately he had not enough hair spray and it flopped foolishly in front of his eyes.
Lady Une did look a sight. In order to get her position as Head as Security she had to change her entire appearance so that she looked like an obese tart. Strangely enough it did flatter her, as many future husbands of hers would find out.
Seeing her future behind bars she rolled away, using her new found rolls of fat to protect her from any harm. Who needs celery, when you can have cake?
Mrs Peacecraft sighed with consternation, the one big party one the year where she could get sloshed and feel up a pretty young elf, was ruined.
At that moment Mariemaia jumped out of the window, realizing that the bomb she had graciously given to Lady Une was about to explode. Some kids are just too smart. Because she was smart a helicopter was hovering outside the window and she was flown to her favourite hot spa. In was three days later that she remembered about her father.
Her father was currently stuck between the glaring Hilde who plainly didn't want to be here and the furious Une, who didn't want her to be her either.
"Er..." Treize uttered, before hiding behind Hilde, much to her disgust. "Hide me, sweetling? Be a good girlfriend for me, please darling?" He nuzzled her neck as she attempted to knee him in the gut. She missed. So Treize thought she was just falling into his embrace.
At that crucial second Santa interrupted, "Let me get this straight, you're," he said pointed his index finger at the Head Elf, "Dating the most eligible man in the North Pole?" This year Santa, taking the advice on some very close friends who Mrs Claus found deplorable drunkards, has decided to take they astute words on the colour of his suit. It was now a neon pink.
Denial was stuck on Hilde's tongue as she glared at both of them, becoming cross eyed in the process. She then considered the statement. If she was his girlfriend, then she wouldn't have to stay at this dead end job. She wouldn't have to deal with stupidity in the thousands. She could become a trophy elf! Hilde hesitated and snuck a glance at Treize. Hmm, oh well, he wasn't that bad looking. "Yes," she answered, looking still unsure of her answer. Behind her Treize was beaming as he wrapped his arms around her in delight.
Sally shrieked. "This is ridiculous! How can you possibly like her! She doesn't even have a water proof coat!" At this point in time, it should be noted that Sally was drunk and the above speech is actually the translation of her barely understandable slurs and insults.
In a gesture of friendship, Zechs slapped her behind. She attempted to remove him of his manhood in one rapid kick on her left hind leg.
The luck of the cane intervened. At that moment Zechs hiccuped and Sally hit instead Noin in the nose. The brunette cop sneezed a bucked full of snotty blood on the ground.
Dorothy, the witch of winter, sighed. She had been foolish, in giving that can to the dumb but pretty Zechs. She smiled maliciously and waved a gloved hand.
With a whirr and a vroom it zoomed out of Zech's hand, bypassing the nibbles tray and stopping for a second at the already spiked punch. With another flick of her fingers Dorothy grasped the cane.
It was at that time that she noticed her husband eyeing the pinked and frilled Princess, Relena if she remembered her name. Dorothy idly wondered if that girl would look good in leather, pink leather. Quatre smirked beside her.
She waved the cane about. It made the fitting swishing noises. Then Dorothy set her eyes on her the wobbling reindeer, who looked a bit green around the antlers.
Noin still bleeding and half blinded fell onto Zechs, who awkwardly held her, if only to cop a good feel. Noin made the odd grunt but didn't complain, which to Zechs was an encouragement.
Tilting her head to the side, Dorothy slinkily says, "You knows about the power of the cane?" There is silence as she holds it high. "Yes. The power!" The power, they all thought without ever considering what the power could be.
Sally stumbled forward, her hooves having been painted a festive red making her look like a deranged serial killer, who killed her victims were her very hooves causing them to be dyed red.
"Yeesh! The power, we must have the power, we must!"
Raising a delicate brow to her husband, and seeing him shrug, Dorothy turned her eye back to the tottering reindeer. "That no longer matters. Zechs the Elf no longer has possession of the cane - "
"Aw, shit, please, Dorothy? Imagine what would happen if I didn't have the cane?" He slid his hand down Noin's butt not aware that she was slowly coming to.
"I believe that is your concern not mine, Zechs, sweetie." She laughed, and no one joined in.
"Zechs?" Mrs Claus- Peacecraft said quietly.
"What is it Mother?" Zechs asked with all the patience of a teenager. Except he wasn't one, which made him look even more pathetic than usual. Noin's hand was clenching.
She kicked him in the groin. "Bastard! You are selfish child." Turning her gaze on Relena, Relena in a rare show of caution backed away from her Mother's rage. "Always ruining events and making the entire family look like a fool. Like father, like son," she scathingly said.
"Hey - " said Santa before he was interrupted.
"I want a divorce! I will be the new Santa. Moving with the times, have to appeal to the female audience and it would be nice to wear a mini skirt to show off my legs," she giggled girlishly.
"Mum!" Relena shouted.
"Oh, Relena, just go and have a threesome. The Witch wants you and her husband doesn't exactly look displeased." Mrs Claus finished, smiling.
Still looking stunned, Relena wandered into the willing hands of Dorothy and Quatre. "I suppose there will be benefits?"
Dorothy smirked, showing shiningly white teeth. "Very good dental, Miss Relena."
"Oh... magic lessons too?" Relena was starting to look eager.
"If you're a good girl."
"But what about me?" Whined her father, looking at his wife desperately. "I can't get another job, I haven't been in the real workforce for a hundred and fifty years!"
The new Ms Peacecraft frowned in thought. A light bulbed flashed above. There was mild cheering as the fuse reconnected. "I know! You can become a pimp! You could be the Santa Pimp, it could be legal," she said, cornering in on another market, "We do need to regulate the bondage elf trade."
Her former husband went back to drink, safe and secure in the knowledge that he was employed.
Zechs groaned as another female kicked him, this time in the gut. "Why!" he said between gasps and pants, "Isn't anybody helping me?" Everyone ignored him.
Sally looked shocked. "The cane... the cane! I must have the cane! That useless bugger was an arsehole, why can't I have the cane?"
Sighing Dorothy regarded the cane, "Fiiine. But don't you say I'm a good witch," she shuddered delicately, "I don't want that rumour spreading again." Behind her husband coughed discreetly and looked away. Dorothy handed the cane over to Sally. Who not having any hands, was forced to have it wobble about in her antlers.
"Sure thing, evil one. I will not ever say a good thing about you!"
"Good, good." Dorothy smiled.
"Bitch. Lunatic. Fear mongering loser. Idiotic tosser. Freak of nature. Destructer of good fashion sense. The being with the scary, abnormal and I mean nearly alien like eyebrows - "
Said eyebrows twitched. "Hey - "
But it was too late, Sally was gone.
Noin rammed her knee into Zech's stomach. "Heh! You are the type of person who I despise, really, sometimes I just was to rip out your intestines and wear as necklaces. How would you like? Heh!" She said rather senselessly.
"I'll give you money!" Zechs choked out.
She grew speculative. "Really?"
"Gifts and presents! Sparkly objects! Lots of gems and diamonds and - "
"How 'bout a new hard drive?"
"Sure, sure, whatever you want!"
Thus the true spirit of consumerism was found.
Everyone was happy, for the time being.