Summary, disclaimer, etc. in chapter 1.
Lighter fare for a Monday morning. If you can't understand House, just imagine what he sounded like in Autopsy, from which this is clearly ripped off. ;)
Sneezy
August 1997
"Feeling any better?" Stacy asked cheerfully as she went round the couch, dressed for work but with her hair wrapped in a towel.
House snapped out of the daze he'd been in for the past several minutes and blinked heavily, not immediately recognizing her. Then he sneezed forcefully.
"Nohbd," he groaned.
Stacy shook her head and handed him a Kleenex.
"You're such a baby," she said.
House wiped his nose and tossed the tissue into an overflowing trash can next to him.
"I ambe not," he said, breathing through his mouth. "I jus't can'dt bhreathe."
"I think doctors can do something about this…" Stacy said, tapping her finger against her chin as she pretended to contemplate the issue. "What is it? Allergy shots? Something like that?"
"Dose dings hurtd," House said. "Amd dey dake up to year to work."
"Okay, I only understood about four of the words you just said," Stacy said.
House tried to glare at her but sneezed again instead. Stacy handed him another tissue.
"Maybe you should have started them a year ago," she advised superiorly.
"Itd's notd always dis bad," House said. "Itd varies frhom yearh do yearh."
"I figured that out, thanks," Stacy said. She patted his shoulder. "Come on. You just have time to shower and get dressed."
House groaned dramatically and flung his right arm over his eyes. And sneezed again.
Stacy dropped the box of Kleenex on his chest and he grunted.
"You can't skip work just because your nose is running," she said.
House wiped his nose and carelessly tossed the tissue aside. Stacy made a disgusted face and picked it up with the tips of her fingers, depositing it on the heap in the trash.
"No," House said from under his arm, "butd I can skip work if I haben't sleptd in two days." He moved his arm and glanced dazedly up at her. "De hospidal would be liable if I scrhewed up, rightd?"
Stacy conceded that point with an annoyed eye roll and nod.
"Welb den, I don'td tsee whatd de prhoblemn is," House said. He had a tissue ready and waiting when he sneezed this time.
"You should use those more than once," Stacy muttered distastefully as he slammed his fist into the pile of used tissues to compact them before adding the one he'd just sneezed in.
House ignored her.
"The problem is that you're not actually sick," she said.
"Butd I ahm miserhable," House said. "Dat countds."
Stacy glowered at him, clearly unimpressed.
"If you wherhe a padtientd, would you wantd me sneezingh all overh you?" House asked.
"And if your boss finds out?" Stacy asked. "You're already on thin ice with her."
"Ifd she finhds out," House said, "she'ds goingh to finhd out dat I also hadh a feverh and ahs an infecdtious diseahse specialistd conshiderhed myselfh highly condtagious."
"How many times have you used that one on her?" Stacy asked wryly.
"You don'tdh wanhtd to know," House said.
Stacy gave him her most disapproving glare. "Fine," she said. "But I'm not going to feel sorry for you when you get fired."
"Faihr enough," House said. He glanced up at her suddenly. "Heyh, whatd dime is itd?"
Stacy consulted the television. "Almost six," she said.
"Goodhy," House said and punched two tablets out of a foil packet, gulping them down with half a glass of water. "Itd's notd as if dey worhk," he said as she observed him, "butd you can'dt sahy I'mb notd tryinhg."
Stacy conceded the point with a twist of her mouth.
"You're going to lie here all day and watch television?" she asked.
"Nobd," House said. "I'mb gohing do drhy do sleep—" a sneeze cut him off, "—whenh de andihisdamine wears off."
"But you just took an antihistamine," Stacy said.
House nodded and sneezed. "You dsee my prhoblem."
"Try taking a bath," Stacy said. "The steam might help."
"Orh I couldh dry a mugh of hodt wader andh a towel," House said.
"What?"
"Neber mind."
Stacy sighed. "Fine," she said. "But no sympathy when you get fired."
"Why do you dink dat's—" he sneezed, "do inevidable?"
"Because I know you," Stacy said. "I have to go finish getting ready for work." She glared sternly at him. "Enjoy your day off," she said.
"Endoy dour unclogded nadal paddeges," House replied and sneezed.
"What?"
"Neber mind."