IT JUST MEANS
The silence was more awkward then it had been in the gym, but it was all together different. It took John back to when he was a teenager; to the times when he'd be angry with his parents and if they'd gone anywhere he'd sit, staring out the window, not saying a word. If there had been a window to Teyla's right, he was sure that's where she'd be looking. As it were, there was just the one window in the front of the jumper, and she looked out of that; she didn't stray from the path she was visually mapping to the mainland.
She had the silence thing down pat. He wondered if the cold shoulder was a universal thing or if she'd learned it from one of his people. He was stealing sideways glances, trying not to move his head with his eyes, the last thing he needed was to make her more uncomfortable than she clearly already was.
About an hour ago Elizabeth had approached John, telling him Teyla had requested to be flown to the mainland. He wanted to protest, tell her he couldn't, but then she'd ask why and it wasn't something he wanted to talk to her about. So he told her he would, and here he was.
"So, mind if I ask why we're on our way to the mainland? Something happen?"
"It has simply been a while since I have visited." Her dark eyes deviated from their path, but she still did not look over.
He nodded, "Good reason." Then that silence started to creep back, so he kept talking, it didn't matter about what, so long as the silence was taken care of, "Think it'll snow?" he asked as he scanned the blue-gray clouds. It had been getting colder on Atlantis for the last couple weeks and they'd determined that the area was entering the winter season. John couldn't wait for it to snow to come, and to be honest he was sort of hoping it would be any color other than white. "What color is snow in Pegasus anyway?"
He could tell that question had brought a smile, small though it was, to her face. "I have never seen it as anything but white."
"Oh." There was disappointment in his voice, "Well, I guess any snow is better than no snow. Will everyone be okay on the mainland? Will they need anything?"
"My people have survived many winters on Athos, we will be fine." She answered quickly.
"No, I know. I didn't mean it that way, I just wanted to make sure." Now it was John that turned his attention to the sky, and he let the silence come. He understood that at the moment things were, at best, strained between them but it didn't give leave for her to snap at him for asking about her people's status and offering help. He was trying to make this as easy for both of them as possible.
He should have just told Weir no.
He set the jumper down just outside the village; the ramp lowered and he got up. He waited for Teyla to exit the jumper, and the second her foot hit dirt the hatch was closing and he was walking.
"I'm gonna find Jinto, hang with the kid for a bit. Find me when you're done." He shot back over his shoulder.
Teyla watched John's retreating form, and sucked in a deep breath and let it out as a regretful sigh before heading into the village. She should have known that Dr. Weir would ask the Colonel to fly the jumper, and she shouldn't have been so short with him, he was only trying to fill the void that had grown between them, which was more than she was trying to do.
She made her way down the passages to the hut that housed the one person she believed could help her. Charin, the now old woman, in who's tent Teyla had spent many, many days. It was a blessing to her, to have a friend so long and so old; it wasn't often many lived their entire lives. Charin was like the mother that Teyla had only barely known. They spoke of everything together and Teyla placed her utmost trust and respect into the woman.
She reached her desired tent and rapped lightly on the wooden frame. A soft voice from inside bid her enter, and she pushed back the animal skin flap to see her mentor, friend, and surrogate mother sitting at the large table that took up most of the front room.
"Teyla!" she smiled cheerfully and rose to her feet. Their foreheads touched in their traditional greeting and Charin offered Teyla the seat next to her and a cup of tea. She wrapped her dark fingers around the warm cup and looked down into the liquid. She was here for a reason and Charin would know that; but this was proving to be a more difficult subject to broach than she had imagined.
"Does something trouble you?" Charin asked with a knowing look. Teyla smiled into the tea, and took a sip.
"I fear I am always to be troubled." She said, placing her cup down softly.
"I sense this is not a Wraith problem." She took a sip of her own tea, and fixed her gaze on Teyla's still down-turned head. "Child, I can offer no help if I do not know the problem." Teyla felt the pressure of a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "You should know better than to fear judgment from me."
Teyla took in a breath, "It is…embarrassing." 'And I fear some may look at me as though I have betrayed them.' She turned her body towards her oldest friend, "Colonel Sheppard has kissed me."
"I see." Charin smiled. Teyla knew that among her people John was one of the few they placed trust and friendship in, but there were still those that would not see their people become so heavily involved with those from the expedition. "This is embarrassing because you do not share his feelings?"
Teyla opened her mouth but no words escaped it. She tried again, "I do not know. Perhaps…perhaps before, I may have."
Charin frowned, "What has changed?"
"It is another man. We encountered him while searching for Lieutenant Ford and he…confuses me. His name is Ronon Dex, he was a runner."
A flash of sadness, or maybe pity washed quickly through Charin's eyes, "I had always hoped those tales to be false. To be taken, and then hunted for sport…"
"Dr. Beckett removed the device that allowed him to be tracked, and he has been with us ever since." Teyla now turned back to her cup, taking another sip, and straitened her body out.
"So you feel for this Ronon?" Charin asked, doing the same as Teyla had.
She was again looking into her drink. "I do not know." Saying those words made her angry and the urge to simply throw her cup across the hut welled up in her. She tightened her grip on the clay cup and swallowed hard. She was a leader; she had made tough decisions nearly all her life. She was supposed to be strong, level-headed, unattached; what was she doing here? Fretting over two men? "Neither of them is of our people, and I am the leader…"
"Teyla." Charin's voice had a calming effect, and Teyla's fingers loosened. "I am unsure how I can help you. I know only that John Sheppard is a good man, and very loyal to those around him." She smiled, "And it does not hurt that he is pleasant to look at." Teyla looked at her mentor, who smiled wider, "I have heard many of the young women speak of him in this manner."
Charin's face became serious again, "As for Ronon, I know only that he has caught your eye, and therefore something about him must be good. I fear this choice is yours alone." Her hand again found Teyla's shoulder. "I can only tell you to follow your heart, to spend equal time with both and allow no thoughts or feelings but your own to make the choice."
She couldn't help but feel disappointed and slightly bitter towards her mentors answer. She wanted help to make the choice and she had just been told she was in it alone, something she had to admit she'd known from the second she'd told Dr. Weir she needed to be taken to the mainland.
"And if I cannot?"
"Then perhaps you were not meant to be with either of them."
They spoke a little longer before Teyla left, and walked through the village slowly, offering blind smiles to those that called her name. She was making her way to Halling's home, hoping that Jinto and John would be near at hand. She wanted nothing more than to return to her room on Atlantis and think over what Charin had said to her.
She thought of the time spent leading up to his rebuked apology. At first she'd simply tried to forget about the kiss, but that hadn't worked, and more and more often she found herself slipping back into the memory. So she started to think about it – what was it that bothered her? She simply could not figure it out.
She wasn't even sure when Ronon had become a factor in her relationship with the Colonel (if it could even be called a relationship).
She wanted to scream; coming out to the mainland for advice was starting to seem like a bad idea. She was no closer to figuring out her feelings for John, and she'd only managed learn that Ronon was surely part of her problem.
She reached Halling's home, knocked as she had at Charin's and was welcomed in. Jinto and John were not inside.
Walking through the woods surrounding the village, John scanned the trees and bushes, looking for dangling legs or a scrap of fabric. Maybe hide and seek wasn't the smartest game to suggest to Jinto and Wex; they knew the land and all the good hiding spots. At the very least one of them should have been "it"; when did they get so good at rock, paper, scissors anyway? He certainly hadn't taught it to them.
From the corner of his eye he caught a streak of brown, lighter than that of the trees and he slowly moved closer. Jinto darted out from behind a tree and ran. John nearly had to tackle the boy to catch him; he'd only just managed to grab the back of his shirt.
Sucking in a breath John said, "You'd be great at track."
Jinto's brows came together, "Track?"
John waved the boy's question off, he was expecting it. "I'll tell you later. Let's find Wex, huh?" Jinto started to walk back the way they'd come and John softly added, "That way I only have to explain it once." He caught up to Jinto and they walked side by side, John's thoughts wondering to Teyla and who she was with and what she was talking about. "Jinto?"
"Yes Colonel Sheppard?"
"You know, you don't have to call me that. You can call me John." The boy smiled up at him. "And secondly…" he hesitated, he was about to ask a twelve year old about his peoples dating habits. Oh well. "What are the rules for your people about dating-?" Should I say it? "-and stuff." He finished lamely.
"Dating?"
Damn. Should have known that word wouldn't have meant anything to the kid. "Yeah...it's like..." he searched for a way to explain it to him, he snapped his finger, "courting?"
"Courtship?" Jinto's eyes had grown in size as he looked up at John, "Do you wish to ask Teyla-"
"No." John cut him off. "Just curious." He paused, "So…do Athosians only – court – other Athosians?"
"Mostly. There are some who leave to be with people on other worlds. Though, that does not happen so often." Jinto smiled again, "I would not mind if you were to court Teyla."
"Yeah, that's…good to know." John smiled back. "But just keep that to yourself okay?"
"Okay." Then he turned to a large tree and looking up shouted, "Wex, I am it!"
John stared at the spot where Wex's head had appeared. He was a good fifteen feet off the ground, and the tree didn't look the easiest to climb, "How'd he get up there?"
Teyla was with Halling for only ten minutes when John and Jinto returned, and thankfully their conversation had not strayed from goings on in the village. She told them that she wished she could stay longer, but she and Colonel Sheppard had an early mission tomorrow and they must be getting back.
It wasn't lost on her that the silence and hurt feelings from the trip in still lingered.
They walked back to the jumper in silence that lasted the entire twenty minute ride to Atlantis. John landed and the rear hatch began to lower; this time it was Teyla who made it to ground first. She stopped at the bottom of the ramp and looked back. A small smile played at her lips, "Thank you." She nodded, "John."
An involuntary smile graced his face as he answered, "Your welcome."
Then she turned and left the jumper bay.
It had only been a small gesture but as Teyla walked to her room she felt better; as though one of many burdens had been taken from her. She was grateful for it; she could rest easier knowing that things could get back to normal between her and John.
She reached her room and immediately upon entering went to her bad to lie down. It had been neither an extremely long, nor tiring day, yet she felt drained. While she'd not gotten what she'd gone to the mainland for, she had enjoyed seeing her old friends again, and had much to think on.
There were two men in her life now. Two equally alluring men, both strong physically and in will. Both of them more than worthy of her affections.
She closed her eyes and sighed to her ceiling. "Father," she whispered. It was the first time that she wished she could hear her father's words, "I do not think it is a choice that I can make."
There was knocking at her door just then. Wearily she opened her eyes and moved to open her door. Really all she wanted right now was to be alone, to think, and then sleep. The door opened and her eyes moved up to lock with those of her visitor.
"Yes Ronon?"
"Can I come in?" She stepped back from the door to allow him access. "Is everything all right?"
She smiled at him, "What would be wrong?"
"Well it seemed like there was something wrong. Between you and Sheppard." He added.
The smile dropped from her face, this was the last thing she needed right now. "What happens between Colonel Sheppard and I is no one business but ours."
"Of course. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You looked pretty upset yesterday and then the two of you were-"
"Is there a reason you are saying these things?" she asked, crossing her arms.
He looked at her, his eyes grew serious. "You can't deny that there is something between us." He took a step closer to her, and the scene from the gym flashed in her head. She knew she'd let it show when he'd said it, that there was in fact something. He took another step towards her. "I just want to know if there is anything between you and Sheppard."
She could only stare at him. If she said no then she'd be lying. She and John had the same something she and Ronon shared. She figured what happened next was inevitable and she should have seen it coming, but when Ronon's lips met hers she was shocked. Not unpleasantly. It was soft an unobtrusive, and the complete opposite of her first kiss with John.
It ended as abruptly as it had started when Ronon pulled back, and just looked at her. She just stood there, her lips parted slightly in surprise, and she could think of nothing to say. Perhaps she should have waited to go to the mainland, or just stayed there.
She did the only thing her mind could come up with; she turned around and walked out of her own room.
So today is…what? March 31 2008. I'm running through, doing some editing – taking out, putting stuff in…trying to get some ideas for this thing. AND – I know exactly how this story ends. I can see it. And I think I've worked out a way of getting there…now I just have to write it. So keep an eye out.
R and R – it'll only take you a second! Thanks a ton.