Title: Tomorrow Never Comes
Disclaimer: Angst. Slash. Violence. Abuse.
POV: Delko
Chapter Eleven: Notes
I close my eyes to the sun. Its warming effect is something I don't want to feel. Speed is still in the hospital and I'm at work. It's all so wrong. I should be in that hospital bed. Not Speed. I'm the one who made the mistake. A tear runs down my cheek. So much has gone wrong. I thought finding Speed would make things better. Isn't love supposed to be a good thing? Why were things so bad? There never was a calm before the storm. And now, now the storm just rages on.
Someone places a hand on my shoulder, startling me. I thought I was alone. I open my eyes as the hand moves away. Calleigh takes a seat across the table from me. He blond hair is up in a ponytail, as usual. She always has an aura of happiness around her. But today it's not there.
"Oh, Delko, I bet no one even thinks of how much you must be hurting." Her words are soft and kind. Filled with large amounts of sympathy.
"Cal, they're busy solving crimes. What happened, the accident, it was no crime. And the doctor said Speed will be fine." I fake a smile. "They moved him from the ICU."
She smiles back. Just a small smile. "That's great, Delko. Maybe after work we'll go pay him a visit. Just the two of us. How would you like that?"
I shake my head. "No, I can't see him."
Calleigh frowns. "What are you talking about? I thought you loved Speed."
"I do." Right now it was taking everything I had not to break down and cry. "I just can't see him."
She places a hand over mine. "I understand. It's hard for me to see him like that, too. Especially since we nearly lost him not too long ago. But you said it yourself; he'll be fine. He'll be healthy and back to driving you crazy in no time."
I try to smile at her words. She sounds so sure of everything. How does she do it? Easy, she doesn't know. She is not aware that I hurt Speed. That I turned the wheel and drove us off the road.
"Stop frowning, Delko. You're much cuter when you smile. Please, cheer up. I miss your up-beat attitude."
She gives me a kiss on the cheek before leaving me alone in the break-room. My up-beat attitude? She missed it? I sigh. That Delko is never going to come back. I am not the Eric everyone thinks that I am. They all see the grieving lover. They don't see the guilt. The guilt that is building inside. The guilt that will be my downfall. If only I could tell someone. But they would never understand. None of them. For how could they, when I didn't even understand?
"Eric."
I turn to Horatio. Strong, always reliable Horatio. The things he put up with. Will he understand? Can I tell him? No, I shouldn't bother him with my guilt. He sees enough pain in the world just leaving his office. I shouldn't dump anything else on his shoulders.
"Yes, H?"
"There are some files on my desk. I was wondering if you would sort through them and put them in the correct filing cabinets for me," he asks.
"Um, sure, H. No problem."
He stands in the doorway for a few seconds. I think he wants to say something. Maybe to apologize for everything that has gone wrong. To apologize for saying Speed abuses me. Or for having everyone in the department spying on us. Or maybe to say sorry for handcuffing Speed to his hospital bed.
He says nothing. Just walks away. I don't care. I let him go. I'm not even curious as to where he's going. He should be sorting case files by himself. Yet, I find that I'm happy to be given the assignment. Going out in the field wouldn't work for me. Not now. My mind is too pre-occupied. I'd screw up and that is something H won't forgive lightly.
Silently, almost in a trance, I make my way to H's office. His sparsely decorated office. The office he spends little time in. A stack of about twenty case files sits on his desk. All the same color but all different sizes. I pull up a chair and begin at the top. The murder of an elderly lady. The crime committed by her own grandchildren. Both of the grandchildren had been too eager to get their inheritance. So they murdered her. Little did they know that the old woman had just weeks to live. They were both in jail now. So much for that inheritance.
The second case is still fresh in my mind. The case of a little girl. Raped and murdered because of her father. He sold her for drug money. A beautiful little gem of just seven years old. He had no remorse whatsoever. I am happy to see that he got life in prison. He deserves it.
I go through the files. I make three stacks; solved, in progress, and cold case. I get down to the last two. There's relief in seeing that most of the disturbing crimes have been solved. Only two are still in progress and one is a cold case. Not bad. If the other two go in the Case Closed pile, that will be great. Maybe it'll help me feel better. Knowing that a few lives have been changed and the justice served that was deserved. People can be so cruel to each other.
I stretch my arms and roll my neck before moving on to the last two files. My hand rests on the folder. I can't open it. The name at the top reads Speedle, Timothy. I don't bother to look at it. I just slip it into the in-progress stack. Eventually it will become a cold case. There is hardly any evidence.
A sheet of familiar white paper sits atop the next folder. I know that I've seen this piece of paper before. I pick it up. And I read.
I am Lieutenant Horatio Caine, head of the Miami-Dade Crime Scene Investigation team. This is my letter of resignation…
I remember Calleigh showing me this piece of paper. After I got Speed back but before everything went wrong. I never got to read the whole thing. We had been interrupted that night.
Due to the events involving one Timothy Speedle, I know longer feel adequate to be head of this department. It has become apparent to me that I can not protect the lives of Eric Delko, Timothy Speedle, or Calleigh Duquense. I feel that they would be better off with someone else in charge…
I put the paper back on the desk. I don't want to finish reading it. I quickly gaze over the last file and toss onto the cold case pile. Done. Horatio can put them away. I just want to go. To get out of here. Horatio is nowhere to be found. Neither is Calleigh. They're probably at the hospital. Where I should be. Where I don't want to go. I just want to go home.