Hey everyone! Here's another chapter and as always thanks for the helpful reviews. Enjoy!

Chapter 7 Past Miseries

It wasn't until later that afternoon when Hermione woke from her slumber remnants of her dreams fading into the darkness. She pushed herself up on her elbows breaking away from sleep that fought to claim her again. Through her haze she realized she was under the covers but didn't remember getting under them.

'Snape must have put me under the covers' She thought pushing the covers away from her body.

Swinging out of bed she paused to recollect where she was again and remembered she was staying with Snape. She was bored but had no desire to find the potions master so Hermione wandered over to the bookcase and looked through the titles of books.

In the far top shelf there sat a little black leather bound book which did not have any title or author on the spine. Curiously Hermione reached up carefully pulling the little book from its place. Once in her hands she turned it over to look at the cover which again had no indication what it was about. The pages of the little book were gold leafed leading Hermione to the conclusion that it was a pricey book.

As she opened the cover and looked at the first page she gasped at what was written there:

To my dearest son, Severus,

I give you this journal so that you can write your thoughts and feelings onto its pages and not keep it locked up inside. Your father loves you, but it is hard for him to express that so do not shun him my son. Happy 15th Birthday, Severus.

With all my love,

Mother

This was no ordinary book Hermione had accidentally stumbled upon; it was the private journal of her professor when he was her age. She knew that it would be wrong to read a journal that wasn't her own but part of her wanted to find more out about the dreaded teacher at Hogwarts.

Hermione settled into the armchair by the bookshelf curling her legs up underneath her placing the journal on her lap. Turning to the second page she glanced at the door briefly before fixing her gaze back on the book.

September 1st

I sit here in the dark of the Slytherin common room my emotions uncontrolled at the moment. Today was the first day of my 5th year. I have a feeling in my heart that this year will be no different from the last four and the blasted Gryffindors' will torment me once more. I don't know how much more I can take. I am still sore and hurting from father's rage a few days before I arrived here. I don't do anything right in his eyes and I am surprised he has not disowned me yet. The only thing that makes my father proud is my ability to excel in my potions studies which I enjoy immensely.

I saw Lily Evans today in the Great Hall and she smiled kindly at me. Whenever I see the red headed girl I feel this strange fluttering in my chest as if there were a hundred butterflies flying there. I think I actually like her, even though she sticks with Potter's group. She has always been kind to me and stood up for me on several different occasions when I was being tormented and teased. But I fear that Potter will steal her away from me like he steals away everything.

My self inflicted wounds on my arms are healing slowly. I can not bring myself to let them heal and I pick at them or cut them open again. It is my only sanctuary it takes the hurt from my mind for a little while but it helps just the same.

It's quite late and I should climb into bed before I am caught. Mother was right, writing does help to some extent but not as much as watching my own crimson blood flow from me.

Hermione sat numbly her hands shaking slightly. The journal fell from her hands landing softly in her lap. Severus Snape, her professor had been a self-injurer himself. With awe she picked the little book back up and turned a few pages.

September 20th

They have done it again. I was sitting in the library quietly reading up on some potions that had caught my fancy when they crept up behind me, levitating all of my books from the table and thrown at my head. I was not wounded by the flying books but my pride was.

Sadly that wasn't the end of the prank. Potter muttered and spell under his breath. When I looked down at myself my black robes had turned bloody PINK! To make matters worse all of the students in the library saw this and laughed until they were crying. When I had reached up to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear I felt something tied in it so I pulled it out finding it was pink ribbon.

Potter and his little crew taunted me calling me Snivelus and more. Calmly I had stood collecting my books quickly leaving the laughing students behind. I did it again once I was safely in the lavatory. It seems as time goes on the cuts go deeper it seems that it doesn't satisfy me any longer but I continue to do so.

I am growing quite dizzy and it's rather late. I will retire for the night.

Bile rose in her throat as she read the entry feeling as if some of what she was reading was true of her own self. It seemed odd that she shared something in common with the teacher that seemed to despise her so much. Feeling moisture on her cheeks Hermione's hand rose gently touching the damp skin as she realized she was crying. Turning another few pages she read on.

October 15th

Potions class was almost unbearable today as the four continued to torment me. Thanks to Potter I got in trouble with the potions master. He threw something in my caldron which began to spit and bubble making a bloody mess. I was actually afraid the professor would harm me, he had that look that my father gets when he is about to punish me.

Professor Dumbledore approached me today, the nosey old git. I think he knows about my habit but he won't come out and say it. He told me his door is always open but I don't believe that.

I drew blood again tonight, but I felt nothing not even satisfaction. I look at my arms seeing the scars that mar my skin, I can feel them all as if I had just cut my flesh open but they are old ones…

Hermione stopped reading unable to see the words through her tears. She couldn't believe what she was reading and wondered if it was all made up, she shook her head no knowing deep down these were her professor's deep dark thoughts written in this book.

Jumping up from the chair Hermione carefully tucked the journal away in her robes and crept to the door. Before she could even turn the knob the door opened Snape standing in the frame.

"Where might you be going Miss Granger?" He said glaring down at the girl.

Unfazed by her teacher's sour mood Hermione looked up into his eyes. "I was coming to look for you actually professor." She said stepping backwards.

A confused expression darted briefly across Snape's face almost immediately sliding into a neutral mask. "Why did you wish to find me?"

"Professor did Harry's father do something to you to hate him?" She asked knowing full well that Snape had been hurt.

Anger flashed across his face as well as sadness. "How dare you ask such a question?" He bellowed furiously.

Snape angrily stormed out of the room slamming the door behind him.

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'How dare she?' He thought furiously storming across the common room to the door that led to his private lab.

In a flurry he gathered all of the ingredients he needed and put them on the table. Setting the last bottle down though, he noticed that his hands were shaking. Rage still surged through his body as he leaned heavily on the table trying to calm himself. Madame Pomfrey needed some potions so he set his mind to work on getting them finished.

Carefully measuring out bat liver Snape's mind began to wonder back in time when he was a student there and all the torment he suffered. His mind was so occupied with his memories he didn't realize that he had cut into his hand until a burning sensation in his skin erupted.

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From her room Hermione could here Snape's curses of anger and pain coming from another room in his chambers and wondered what he had done this time. Not willing to leave her room she settled down in the chair again pulling the journal out of her robes flipping towards the end.

May 28

I tried to kill myself today but somehow Dumbledore knew and was there to save me. I didn't want to be saved I wanted all the pain and suffering to end once and for all. Everyone knows what I almost did and I hear whispers everywhere. Dumbledore has a house-elf assigned to watch my every move so I am never alone, never. Not to worry I'll find a way to finish this life once and for all.

Hermione couldn't believe what she had just read. She looked up glancing at the door as if he was right behind it. He tried to kill himself Hermione thought flipping a few more pages. As she turned to another page a piece of old parchment fell to the floor. Picking it up carefully Hermione unfolded it with care. The date was almost illegible but she discovered it was written late in Snape's 6th year.

Dear Lily Evans,

If you are reading this letter then I am already gone. I could not handle the cruelty and humiliation any longer. You were the only kind and decent person in my life but alas it wasn't enough to keep me going. All of my life I had been tormented by bullies and suffered abuse at the hands of my very own father.

I must tell you something that only I and now you know. I was in love with you Lily Evans since the first day I met you. You took my heart and I was never able to get it back from you.

Lastly I wish to say in this letter my will. I leave everything to you my Lily, all of my books, my potions kit and my beloved falcon, Talon. Take care of him.

Don't weep for me for I'll be in a better place. Move on with your life Lily. I feel that you are destined to be with Potter, I only ask for you to be happy.

Sincerely,

Severus Snape.

Hermione folded the letter clutching it to her chest breathing deeply to keep control. All of this was overwhelming to her now. Did Snape take her in because he knew what was going on?

Placing the letter back into the book she wondered what had stopped him, what had saved his life. Leaving the book on the arm of the chair Hermione went to the bed and curled up into the fetal position. Her mind was racing, her heart pounding. As she fell asleep she asked herself again what had saved him...

I hope you liked. The journal idea was in a dream last night so I thought to incorporate it into the story. R&R!