momoROSE989
Chapter 14: Dueling Emotion
La la la la la, la la la, la la la la…
Sesshomaru sat under a tree listening to her sing. He found it funny how she had no idea anyone else was listening to her while she sang as she did laundry. He chuckled to himself. Oh, the good times…
Deeper than the dark, than the light, than the rainbow…He listened closer. He had never heard her sing words before.
Closer than you think, coming fast, coming so slow…More than you can see, you can hear, than you could know…
He watched her take Rin's kimono and unfold it, dip it into water, and ring it dry. She was still humming to herself, the same catchy tune that she had been singing earlier. It began to stick to his head. He started humming it as well. She spun around at the sound of his voice. Redness tinted her pale white face. "Um… how long have you been there?"
"Long enough."
She turned around and continued doing laundry. "I'm sorry. I will be more quiet when I clean people's clothes…"
"I didn't say that I minded." He began to hum the tune again. She blushed more. He snickered. "And why does that embarrass you?"
"…No reason."
"Oh really," he said.
"Yes really."
He hummed again.
She bowed her head in humiliation. "Is it okay if I request that you do not mock me, Lord Sesshomaru?" she murmured.
"I'm not mocking anyone," he said. He stood up from under the tree. He had been being lazy long enough. "I am quite fond of the tune. I wish to know where you heard it."
She paused in the middle of hanging a shirt over a branch. "You…liked it?"
"If you could call it that."
She smiled.
"Why does that please you?" he asked.
"Nothing…"
"Fine then. I will see you later."
"I bid you farewell," she said, still smiling.
He began to walk away. She turned back around to hanging up a shirt. Sesshomaru was about halfway gone when he heard her voice calling to him again.
"It pleases me to know that you enjoyed a tune that I wrote."
He turned around. "You wrote that?"
"Yes. Everything I sing I have written myself."
"Even that other one that you sang before?"
"Which one?"
"The one you sang when I first met you at the slave trader's."
She paused again. "I actually… don't know where I learned that. They were just words and a melody that I knew."
"I see," he said, walking away again. He stopped, remembering she had forgotten to greet him. "Hanako," he called.
"Yes, my lord?"
"I went out for a walk and returned. I did not get greeted." It embarrassed him to have to remind her.
She blushed again. "I'm sorry… I was busy doing laundry and…"
She ran up to him and wrapped him in a long embrace. His emotions drew a blank. The caressing of her body against his was something that felt so right to this feeling that he never could cease. But that was only the beginning of ceasing this constant want of something. He wanted more.
She let him go. The warmth faded. His heart slowed. The feeling he had for her had yet again continued, and had been satisfied for that one moment. He stared down at her with painful eyes.
She just grinned. "Well now I have to finish Rin's laundry. I already did yours!" She winked. She began to run back to the clothes, looking back and waving to him. He almost waved back.
When did this happen? When had their relationship been so blown out of proportion? When had either of them said it was okay to treat each other like good friends and not what they truly were? When had it become okay for them to constantly tease and taunt each other playfully without a second thought? Since what time was it okay for him to go bantering about with a slave girl? When had he ever wanted to go bantering about with any girl? Why couldn't he stop thinking about this? Why did it bother him so much when she did not talk to him for more than an hour? Why did he want her around every hour? When did the laws change and let him freely think all these things? So many questions… he felt a headache coming on. He decided to be lazy under a tree just a little longer.
It was if she had him attached to a string that she constantly was pulling around, luring him closer and closer to her with each tug. The closer she pulled, the more he wanted. The more attached to her he became, the closer the string became, the more the space between them broke… without the space, where would they be? How close is no space at all? What would they see in each other once all the walls that common law created for them were taken down?
As if on cue, the headache came. His head throbbed with pain and confusion, feeling helpless and alone. He never had felt helpless before in his life. She made him helpless. She had something that he wanted, no; she had something that he needed that he could not have. Why couldn't he have it? What was so bad? What did he want?
His head throbbed more, and the bright sun was not helping one bit. He went to the other side of the tree facing away from the sun. Better. But not good enough. It would never be good enough. Nothing would ever be good enough. A void had formed itself in his heart and now he felt empty. Something vital to survival was missing. It took him up until now to realize it had always been there, he had just never noticed. Not until he had met Hanako. She made him feel needed, important, good, special. That is why she had grown on him so easily. Now he thought about her night and day, her smiling face stayed with him.
No… I think… I think I…STOP!
His mind stopped him right there. Why did he care about some stupid slave girl? He was being way too easy on her all the time anyway. She didn't deserve his attention. His back felt tense. Must be all these stupid little worries. Why couldn't things go back to the way they used to? When he barely had anything on his mind, he could focus. He felt all-powerful and had everything was right with the world.
Because he didn't want it that way. He didn't want to be alone.
When he had met Rin he had plenty of company. And Jaken too.
It wasn't the same. It was a different kind of alone.
What kind?
The kind when no one holds you to welcome you when you come home. No one plays around and teases you because everyone is afraid that you will kill them… but she's not afraid. She was not afraid to be with him. She was not afraid of him at all. He liked that.
But that is foolish. Foolish and naïve. He was not a child; he was an adult who did not have the time to be dealing with childlike things.
Hanako's voice echoed through his mind:
"It's fun to be childish sometimes!"Maybe it was fun?
He imagined himself laughing and fooling around with Hanako. Teasing each other; seeing him making her laugh; the sun shining across an open field as they came closer. He bent down to her, there faces becoming closer and closer and…
He turned off that fantasy from his mind. Now he was disgusting himself. Never before had he had fantasies like that before. His smart, educated mind turned itself on. No. That was it, no. He could not let himself fall into something like that. It was obvious and the answer was right there. Hanako held a string that attached itself to him, drawing him closer to her. If there were a string around him, how would he escape from it? Cut it, of course. Then he would be free. Free of the feeling that drove him out of his mind every day and every night. Free of this wanting of something that he still could not identify that was constantly nagging at the back of his mind. Free of the void in his heart because of all of this. Free of it all.
But then what would happen to Hanako?
He listened to the croaking of a frog. As unpleasant as the sound was, it was far better than the war that was taking place in his head. His head was splitting. He had never thought so hard in his life. She was the cause. The answer was right there staring him straight in the face. He did not want to have to do that. It seemed even a little cruel to even him…
No.
He refused to let himself become soft. He refused to let himself care about anyone else. He cared for himself, and that was all. He stood up and walked back over to Hanako, who was still humming to herself and doing laundry.
Just seeing her caused the icy exterior around his heart to melt. He ignored it. He had to be strong and do what was best for him.
"Hanako."
"Yes?"
"Come with me. We are going somewhere. We will take Aun."
She smiled. Guilt filled his mind, flooding every bit of strength he had left. "'Kay Lord Sesshomaru!" she said, in complete trust, "Where are you taking me?"
What he was about to do was hard, but for the best for him especially. Before he had met her that was all that mattered. What had ever happened to those days?
It would probably be very devastating for her though. He pretended like he didn't care. He sighed to himself. What would happen if he didn't pretend anymore? It didn't matter. It would all be over soon.
"You shall see," he said at last.