Shadows of Light

Sirius woke to the sounds of a house elf sweeping the fireplace. His mind still hazy from sleep he snuggled closer to the firm body behind him. But it wasn't firm anymore, he thought with alarm.

Being wide awake now he swung himself around and found only a pillow beside him. He stared at it for a while believing that it must have been a dream and that after their talk the night before and the spell he must have left and wandered back to his room.

But this wasn't his bed, and he would usually have light streaming through the window onto him by the time the house elves arrived. He thought then that perhaps he had slept in one of Albus's rooms, or stumbled into a bed in one of the other guest chambers, but then he took a deep breath and froze.

He could smell Severus. Not the smell of potions that usually followed the Professor around, but the essence of Snape Sirius had smelt when his head had been tucked against Severus's chest while he'd cried.

The breath he had inhaled left him swiftly as he realised the implications of being in Severus's bed alone. Everything that he had heard Snape say since his release flew through his mind filling him with fear.

'He's not calling me now, but he will soon ... we cannot risk waiting until tomorrow.'

'The Dark Lord will summon me away exactly 2 days before the attack is scheduled.'

'He wants all the Death Eaters with him for the attack.'

'Sleep now, I'll not be far away as long as you are here.'

He was gone. It was the only explanation. He spent no more than a few seconds pulling his clothes on and then rushed out into the Living room.

His hope of finding Severus curled up with a book in one of the chairs was short lived upon finding the room empty of all life but him and the house elf. He pulled open each door he came across looking into the rooms only long enough to see that Snape wasn't there. Having checked all the rooms his fear now had a solid foundation.

Trying to will away the desperation he felt, Sirius ran from Snape's chambers and after transforming into his dog form he sprinted to the Headmaster's office, knowing that Snape would either be there or Albus would at least know where he was, although in his heart Sirius knew that it had begun.

In his haste he never saw the letter that leant against an empty potion's bottle. The green ink on the envelope glistening as it dried.

Albus's door burst open and hit the wall with a resounding bang. He looked up from the letters he was currently ordering away with his wand. Each was blank save for a doodle of a phoenix feather in red ink. It was the sign that everyone was waiting anxiously for and the time had come to send them. Every time one was found by the correct wizard or witch a tick would appear beside the correct name on the list he held in one hand.

At first he saw no one at his door and grew suspicious until he caught sight of fur and what quickly took the shape of a man.

"Sirius..." He could say no more as the younger wizard's eyes moved from his own to the parchments that were still disappearing and then back again and he spoke in barely a whisper.

"He's gone." There was no need to ask who 'he' was. Albus didn't know the extent of the relationship between the animagus and his Potions Master, but from the matching look of pain both wizards had come into his office with, he figured he could come up with a pretty accurate guess, and had he not discovered it under such a dire situation he wouldn't have been happier, but now the two men had been separated so soon after breaking through years of hatred and even he didn't know if they would all live to see them together again.

"Yes, he has. It has begun as we knew it would." He stopped speaking and waited for the younger man to take a seat before continuing in a far gentler tone.

"He is doing what he has to do Sirius, as must the rest of us. We knew this would happen, and though it is a few days earlier than we expected it does not come as a surprise. We will be ready for Voldemort's attack tomorrow night. Severus's information will enable us to win this Sirius. Without it we would never have known of the attack until it was too late." He paused again at a barely perceptible nod and then Sirius sat up a little straighter and looked him in the eye.

When he spoke again his voice was more business-like "Now Severus left with me a list of Slytherins who have come to him throughout the year not wanting to follow their friends or family into Voldemort's ranks. As you know the Slytherin's have had little extra training in defence and duelling. While all other houses were given it but the reasoning behind it being simply in preparation of an attack that everyone knew was going to come at some time in the future, even with Severus's information I was reluctant to train the Slytherins, fearing I would just be preparing Voldemort's army, but upon seeing this list and checking on those remaining here after the summoning last night I feel I have greatly misjudged the situation. I wanted to train these students myself after knowing my mistake, but Severus was adamant that you be the one to help them, they need to know that they are trusted and he said that you had a knack for just that." His eyes twinkled again for a moment and Sirius's lips quirked upward, determination dominating his features.

"Thank you Albus."

"Do not thank me, child, save your thanks for when he comes home." Sirius nodded at the old wizard and then left the office, his fear not lessened but having something else to concentrate on. He figured that had been Severus's goal all along, even when he wasn't in the castle he could manipulate them.

His fear began turning into anger then as he thought about the way Severus had left. He couldn't believe that he would just sneak off in the night. He hadn't needed any romantic declarations or wanted any tear-filled goodbyes but it would have been nice if he had been told.

There wasn't anything left for Sirius there, but he found himself heading for the dungeons, it was still too early to meet with the Slytherins so he continued on to Snape's chambers. It wasn't until the portrait swung wide open at his approach that he actually considered how he thought he was going to get in, because even if he had known the password he wouldn't have been able to say it. It seemed that Snape had seen to that problem as well.

He entered the rooms; they felt so much emptier now, still not cold, just empty, devoid of life. He mentally shook himself; that had to be the first time anyone thought that Snape brought life to a room. Wanting once again to curl up as a dog and hide away in the corner, Sirius moved towards the room he had discovered to be Snape's study when he had been searching for him earlier.

Slipping through the door he saw only a desk and chair and a single bookcase, these too matching the mahogany of the previous rooms. The bookcase contained the school text books for potions, as well as copies of the reference books the library held on the subject. The desktop was clear of all but a single letter and the bottle it leant against. Moving around the desk he sat himself in the chair and leant back, folding his hands in his lap in the way he had seen Snape do on several occasions.

Whilst practicing a sweeping gaze that he intended to use against the Slytherins he caught sight of the name upon the scroll's envelope. His heart began to pound and he forced his hands to stop shaking as he opened the letter.

So Snape hadn't left without saying something to him, well at least not without writing something to him. As he read, his emotions shifted through happiness, fear, sadness and what he could only describe as developing love. It was as if he could hear Severus's voice speaking the letter to him.

Sirius,

to start Dear Black sounds so cold and Dear Sirius so formal and the reasons for this letter are anything but either of those. I must apologise now for I do not know on what path this letter will go. As I think the words on my way to Albus's office an enchanted quill is recording each one on the parchment you see before you, in the room you will be now sitting in, but as I construct this you are oblivious to it all and that is how it should be. I know that you will have felt me cruel to leave without word or note, and as you read this you will know you were wrong, but it does not matter, I knew it would take sometime for you to find this, a fact of which I was counting on for should you see this before I leave the grounds I fear you would come after me and this goodbye I could not do in person.

I have always prided myself on the tight control I have on my emotions. I rarely show anything I do not wish to, but as I watched you sleep just moments ago I fear my emotions would have been as clear to read as this letter. Right now, as I begin the steps that will change everything for so many people, I find myself wishing for the first time that I had declined to play Spy a second time. Even the torture sessions never had me regretting my actions as I had nothing to come back to, but now I wish I did not have to leave at all thereby never having to return to find that once again there is nothing waiting for me. I can see so many times, returning from a meeting where the Dark Lord was angry over some imagined failure, my body aching in places I didn't know I had, to find one empty room after another...It would seem that my mind has slipped and I fear that the words will present themselves before you.

Oh how I do hate writing straight from the mind, but I have neither the time nor the suicidal wish to write this by my own hand. As to what slipped unwelcome into this letter, I do not wish you to pity me. I offered to take the role of spy and I find that the results by far out weigh the problems I encounter. I do not regret my choice, only that it has come to this a second time. My information, I am told frequently by Albus, has helped to save many who would be lost to us. But even with this knowledge I wish that I had had more time before I was called away from you. There is so much unspoken between us, and yet we have already come so far from the spiteful words we once shared. That seems like another time entirely now, the last few days seeming to span forever behind us, and yet still being too short. I have reached the gargoyle now, Snapping Sherbet, where ever does the old wizard come up with such riddiculas passwords? I suppose now my time is up. I have still not said everything I would like, but then it will give me something to do when I return. For now I must, if not only to complete these words.

I am not one to beg for anything, it is demeaning and my Slytherin pride will not allow it but I will beg of you this; stay alive. Do not run foolishly into something that will cause you harm. For without you waiting, I have little reason to return.

I am glad that I cannot see these words before me, for I worry that they are far too soppy than I originally desired, though I am certain that my words have kept the aristocratic style of my usual letters, for that I apologise, but if I do not control that one simple thing, who knows what else could fall through my control. I believe that I am doing something I haven't done in a long time; rambling, but this is the only way I know how to diffuse all that I feel. I only hope that you have been able to read this far and that I have not scared you off.

I believe this is the goodbye I so wanted to avoid. So perhaps I will not say goodbye but until next we meet

I'll not be far away as long as you are here.

Yours, in ways I can not yet grasp,

Severus Snape

P.S. Look after my Slytherins.

He re-read the letter twice more, and then sat for what seemed like hours, staring blankly at the parchment in his hands. He didn't cry. It wouldn't solve anything, and he had no one here to comfort him. He swore then not to shed any more tears until Severus was once again cradling him in his arms. A bell tolled in his head announcing that breakfast was about to begin. He stood up and walked out of the rooms into the dungeon corridors, he would be back later but for now he had a job to do.

It was up to him to prepare the Slytherins in a way that would make Severus proud. He wasn't sure that he would be able to win the trust of those students and then project that trust onto the other students in the rest of the school, but Severus had faith in him and that boosted his confidence. He would succeed, Snape needed him to.

Fading light found Snape in the dungeon laboratories of the Dark Lord's current base. After the initial summoning the Dark Lord had ordered Severus to the dungeons to increase the stock of potions, both poisonous and healing. The Dark Lord didn't intend to use them in the attack, but thinking that it was going to be nothing more than a massacre of children, he wanted these for when, as he put it, 'he could move on to more interesting things.' It was a shame, Severus thought, that all his time was spent on making true potions; brewing false potions was something he didn't wish to risk, but neither did he want to spend hours working on complex potions that would never be used.

As he worked in the silent rooms, the only sound coming from the bubbling cauldrons, he allowed his mind to wander to the events of earlier that morning, safe in the knowledge that the wards he had placed around the room would alert him to the approach of anything larger than a flea.

He'd finished composing the note to Sirius only seconds before Albus's bedroom door swung open. He hoped that Sirius had found it by now, as much as he had wanted it to be found after he'd left, he didn't want Sirius to hate him for leaving without telling him. Besides, it would be a lot worse if the letter were found after the battle, especially if he was no longer there. There was a separate letter for that occasion, kept locked safe in Albus's office, to be delivered only upon his own death. He hoped no one would read that one.

The old wizard had still been sleeping and Severus had felt a moment of guilt at waking him from the peaceful rest. Except it wasn't peaceful and it seemed that even the eternally cheerful Albus Dumbledore had nightmares. Creeping silently to the old man's side, Severus proceeded to whisper to him whilst gently shaking his shoulders. The next moment he found himself with a wand in his face and a very scary Albus on the end. He blinked in surprise before lifting his arms in surrender. A loud 'lumos' later and through the bright light he could see Albus's features relax as realisation of who he was emerged.

"Severus." He caught his breath then and relaxed back against the bed. He shot up again suddenly, and Severus remembered wondering if he was going to get a face full of wand again, but the Headmaster just turned to him, his expression hidden in the shadows. "It's begun hasn't it." It wasn't really a question, but he'd answered anyway.

"Yes, it has." He walked out of the room when Albus rose and slipped on a robe. Waiting in the living room, he remembered thinking about whether he would be able to come back here for a cup of tea and one of those annoying lemon drops Albus loved so much. As if reading his mind, the Headmaster arrived in the room holding a small bag open in front of him.

"Lemon Drop Severus?" And he'd accepted, for the first time he'd accepted the offered sweet and he had to say that he could see why the old man loved them so much. With his mouth full of the sour confectionary he'd been unable to interrupt or comment on what Albus began saying to him, and so he had had to just stand there listening until he had finally left the castle, after an unusually emotional embrace, the Mark burning stronger with every passing minute, as each Death Eater arrived and the Dark Lord had fewer people to concentrate the summoning on.

From the dungeons he couldn't see any sunlight, with the absence of windows it was impossible to tell whether it was night or day, so he continued brewing his potions, imagining himself to be in his own dungeons brewing healing potions for Poppy, with Sirius waiting for him in his rooms, all the time Albus's words echoed in his head.

"I know this will be hard Severus, I make no illusions of knowing how hard. We will win this battle, that I know, but at what cost I do not. If there was a way for me to keep you out of the way I would, believe me when I say that. If it were possible I would remove everyone from the castle and fight Voldemort myself. But alas fate has given us this hand and it is how we play it that will decide the outcome of the game. There will be times during the fight that I know you will want to reveal yourself, but I ask you not to do so prematurely, you will know when the right time comes and I do not want you risking your life unnecessarily, not if there are other ways. You will be as important to us as Harry in this fight, and though I have been unable to provide you with the protection he will be given you must remember that your survival is desired as much as every wizard and witch that will fight with us. I know that you realise the dangers in this final mission and I will not insult you by pointing them out, I trust your judgement as I trust you and I wish you all the luck you will need. Just be sure to come home to us walking on your own legs. Goodnight Severus, Merlin's speed."

The past day had gone like a whirlwind for Sirius.

Amazingly the remaining Slytherins had accepted him with very little suspicion; apparently Severus had mentioned to them some time before that when the time came, a certain Gryffindor would see to it that they were taken care of. It also seemed that Severus had been giving each of them private training sessions of a similar sort to the rest of the school and so it had taken very little extra training to get them to the standards of the other students.

The whole school had been informed of the up coming battle and some of the plans that had been laid out for them. Those left were students and staff who had decided to align themselves against Voldemort and so there was no further need for the level of secrecy they had previously used. Ever observant, the Ravenclaws had been the first to put together what they were hearing about the summoning the night before, and the very obvious absence of their Potions Professor. This had quickly spread around the Great Hall, even as Albus continued with his speech. By the time it reached the Gryffindors; the Slytherins and, to Sirius's surprise, Harry, Ron and Hermione looked ready to hex everyone into silence. They were saved by the Headmaster's bellow of silence and the consequent accurate, albeit edited, report on Severus's espionage. By the time everyone had started to leave the hall no one's view of their most hated Professor was the same.

The rest of the day had contained continuous training for the students, and more talk of the plans for the staff. By the evening all the staff waited in the Great Hall, all the children having been sent to their common rooms early under strict instructions to drink the sleeping draught that had suddenly appeared by their beds.

At exactly half past five, the doors of the hall were thrown open and the Order members strode through, following them were the families of the students who had been contacted and were willing to fight with them, bringing up the rear of the massive group were all the other witches and wizards that had received the expected parchment. They had been a large group indeed, filling the Great Hall so that no one could move, the same occurring in the Entrance Hall and even up several staircases.

That night new wards were placed around the castle. The ones Dumbledore had modified to allow in the Dark Lord's summoning charm were removed and replaced with charms that would keep out the most powerful of curses. Every existing ward was strengthened and so many more were added that Sirius wondered if the castle didn't glow in the dark. Entrance by owls was blocked, every student having already being instructed not to use their owls for letters in the past few days. With the Olwery sealed shut, the fireplaces removed from even the internal floo network and the anti apparation barriers now spanning to cover the forbidden forest, it would be impossible for Voldemort to enter the Castle.

With so many witches and wizards having contributed to the warding it would take all of them losing their lives before the wards would fall on their own.

All the staff had retired to their Houses or chambers then, all but Albus who was repeating the plans once again to the new arrivals.

Sirius had gone first to check on the Slytherins, glad to find that no one remained in the common room and one glance into each dormitory revealed empty vials and sleeping students. Then instead of heading to his own chambers he had retreated further into the dungeons and into Severus's rooms.

Even now, as he lay in Severus's bed, he told himself it was only because these rooms were closer and he wouldn't have made it to his own rooms. But at the same time the warmth that enveloped him, and the feeling of comfort that came from knowing he was closer to Severus here told him the truth of his actions.

As he curled up beneath the covers he was hit with a wave of loneliness. It crept upon him and came to rest heavily in his heart. He'd only been with the man for a few days, only spent one night in his bed, after spending years apart from anyone one else, but now he felt alone, and he didn't like the feeling. He knew the chance of Severus's return, he knew that he would most likely not return to them alive, but although he had spent days thinking about it and crying when it became too much, it was only now that the words truly sunk in. He might not return!

He didn't want to cry, he wanted to keep his Gryffindor hope but the water flowed rivers down his cheeks. He realised then that he was beginning to love Severus and knew that when, no if, he didn't return he wouldn't be able to face the loneliness this time. It had been different before, he hadn't known anything but loneliness, but now he did and he couldn't go back to that again, not after having been happy, with someone.

Whoever said that it was better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all obviously hadn't lost anyone.

Resigning himself to the sobs that threatened to break free, he buried hid head into Severus's pillow, his body wracked with every cry, he remembered the last time he had cried, held tightly in Severus's arms, and it made him cry harder, knowing that this time there would be no strong arms around him, no comforting words whispered silkily in his ear.

Finally his cries stopped and his breathing evened, having no more tears to cry, taking deep breaths he inhaled the scent of the pillow and felt his body instantly relax at the familiar smell. Bringing the wet pillow out from under his head, he turned onto his side, holding the pillow close to his chest, his nose and mouth still buried in it, breathing in the man he was beginning to love.

With his emotionally weakened state, just the scent of Severus was comforting enough, and he felt some of the hope return. From this angle he could see the letter on the bedside cabinet, the written words swam around his head and he fell into a peaceful sleep, a small smile on his lips.

'I'll not be far as long as you are here.'

He apparated to land directly in front of the Dark Lord, immediately dropping to his knees he dipped low until his nose grazed the cold floor. He hated kneeling almost as much as he hated the man he was currently kneeling before. Well he couldn't really call him a man; monster was a far more accurate description.

He felt his chin being pulled upwards by an invisible hand and forced all thoughts out of his mind and instead filled it with nothing but what was happening at the present moment. As the Dark Lord's eyes burnt into him, he called on all his skills in Occulmancy and forced false emotions and memories into his mind, keeping the Dark Lord busy and hiding all thoughts of Sirius behind an Unnoticeable wall.

He fought hard against the intrusion but was careful not to force the presence out; it wouldn't do to make the Dark Lord think he had something to hide. Finally he felt the other presence fade and was left alone within his own mind. Snapping himself back to reality he continued to look the Dark Lord in the eyes, his features belaying nothing of what he felt, his face a cold mask.

Finally, just as his legs burned with pain from his kneeling position, his chin was released and his gaze slipped to the floor as he gracefully raised himself from it. Slipping back into the circle of Death Eaters he realised that the time had come.

The Dark Lord would relay his plans for the battle to all his followers before taking himself and Malfoy away separately to discuss their important roles in it. As ready as he felt, he wished it wasn't to happen so soon.

Hearing the Dark Lord describe his strategy for 'scaring the Muggle Loving Fool Dumbledore' and knowing that what would greet them wouldn't be petrified first years, the upcoming fight had never felt so real as it did then, and for the first time in many years Severus was scared that he might not come through it alive, whether it be because of a well-placed curse or the death of someone close. He wouldn't allow himself to think of who that someone was, but as he listened like the Loyal Death Eater he pretended to be, the name Sirius floated unbidden into his mind.

He supposed it shouldn't surprise him that Harry would come to see him early in the morning of the final battle; he thought as he stared at his ruffled Godson trying to clear the fuzziness in his head, what did surprise him was that Harry knew where he would be. Upon asking just that he was met with a shrug and small smile.

"You were worried all day about someone that wasn't at the training, I could see it in your eyes, and it didn't take 'Mione long to figure out who it was. When I couldn't find you in your quarters this morning I figured this was where you'd be, it just seemed like the right place. I think the real question is why are you down here?" Even as he answered, Sirius knew that Harry already knew why.

"You're right; I was worried about Sev...Professor Snape. He did a lot to help me out and we were finally getting past some of the anger we've been carrying around for years when he was called and now I don't know if I'll even see him again. I know I should be worrying about the students, especially you and I feel so guilty that all my attention isn't on you, but you have so many people looking out for all of you and I can't help thinking that he has no one. I know he's been going to these meetings for years, but what if this time Voldemort finds out what he's been doing, we wouldn't even know until tonight either when Voldemort doesn't show up or Severus doesn't." He paused as his emotions overtook him and Harry wrapped his arms around his Godfather.

"They won't find out. You're right, Professor Snape has been doing this for years and he hasn't been found out yet. He isn't a stupid man Siri, he wouldn't do anything that he thinks could jeopardise the battle and that includes doing something to let himself be revealed." He reassured the older man.

Though the words were reassuring, Sirius couldn't let go of the fear.

"You don't know what he was like Harry." His mind whirled back to the Order meeting a few nights back. "At the last Order meeting he kept insisting that he wouldn't fight against us, that he was going to try to delay Voldemort when they apparate in to try to buy us some time. He knew that doing that would mean almost certain death but he still suggested it. You're right that he would do anything to ensure that this battle goes the way we want it, but what if that comes at the cost of his own life? He's already mentioned plans that would get him killed in the past, what makes it any different now?" He finished dejectedly, the fear and longing clear in his voice. He hadn't expected an answer, but the one he got allowed a little more hope to slip into his heart.

"I think that this time he's got something to come back for." He paused, watching Sirius closely. "A reason to stay alive."

Sirius smiled suddenly and pulled the boy into a tight embrace.

"When did you become so wise, Professor Potter?" He teased.

"When did you start sleeping in Snape's rooms, Mr Black?" And he rose an eyebrow that reminded Sirius very much of the pale Professor.

Breakfast had seemed to go on forever, and after almost an hour of talking, the old wizard still didn't show any signs of his speech coming to an end anytime soon.

Taking in the entire hall, he knew why Snape liked this seat so much; he was able to take in a view of everyone in the hall in one sweeping gaze. Right now he could see several Hufflepuffs holding hands and offering each other comfort, a group of Ravenclaws discussing what looked like the battle plans, trying to conceal their conversation behind pieces of long cold toast, The remaining Slytherins kept sending glances his way, some pleading and sneering at the Headmaster's expense, others he felt sure continued to expect to see their Head of House seated where Sirius was, but it was the Gryffindors that gave the Animagus the most laughs.

One end of the table had fallen asleep half an hour after Albus had begun to speak, the other half were well on their way to following in their housemates footsteps as it was with great force of will that their eyes drooped only momentarily, although for Ron and Harry, it was Hermione's elbow poking them in the ribs that was keeping them awake. It wasn't a very different story for the staff either.

Though they were all still awake no one's attention remained on the Headmaster. Many looked out of the windows, or had their eyes raised to the enchanted ceiling.

The visitors and guests of the castle were having their own breakfast in separate rooms as there just wasn't enough room for them all, and magically expanding the room would have drawn unwanted attention to the school, in the form of Voldemort. Unfortunately they hadn't been spared the talk either, as Albus had charmed his voice into each of their rooms, but Sirius reasoned that at least those witches and wizards were able to play music over him, or at least do something else while he droned on.

It was very unlike Dumbledore to give a speech that didn't captivate its audience, but whether it was high strung nerves on either side the result was not likeable. Thankfully they would be starting on the final preparations for the evenings 'activities' pretty soon, so the old man would have to stop at some point in the near future.

It took several minutes for the occupants of the hall to realise that Dumbledore had finished and not knowing what had been said last they were unsure of what to do. With a greatly exaggerated sigh Dumbledore repeated the plans for the day, having known already that he had been talking largely to himself for the best part of the hour.

He looked over to the small group of Gryffindors as everyone left the hall. He knew the tension was highest for the 'golden trio' and Sirius. They were the ones with the most resting on their shoulders and therefore the most to lose.

As he watched them embrace in a group hug his mind drifted to the wizard far away from them, and suddenly he could almost see the black clad figure in amongst the huddled group and it was at that moment of seer like quality that he knew his Potions Professor would return to him, he rarely had visions after all, and those he had had, had always turned out right.

His spirits a little higher and his steps a little lighter he exited the hall and made his way to his office; even with a looming battle, the school didn't run itself.

End of Part Five