Long wait... yes I know. High school is a bitch... This has been done for a while, but I have put the entire story file on this computer so no more floppy disk problems because the file is on my hard drive down here with internet! Yay!

Chapter 38: Crimson Secret

Words echoed through her mind; words that hadn't in so long. Rain poured down and drenched the earth, her footsteps splashing in the many puddles. She ran. She ran far away. Running from what chased her through her mind.

It was IT. She could see IT again. IT had found her. IT wanted her kimono off. IT wanted to caress her tender young body. IT wanted her to caress his old wrinkly one. She had thought she had escaped IT. But IT had found her, yet again, as IT always did. There was no hiding from IT.

She panted and ran and ran and ran. The rain flew down at the ground like shards of glass being thrown. She hid under a rock; gaining control over herself again. This hadn't happened in so long. Why now? Why did IT have to come again even though Sesshomaru had killed IT? Where were the comforting arms she could throw herself into?

No where. There were no comforting arms. There never had been any comforting arms. The only love she received was the false love that had been made to her by IT and IT's little bastards that IT called friends. She mourned. Mourning for herself. Mourning for the person she always wanted to be. Mourning for the life she would never have because of IT. How pathetic. What a life she lived through. She hugged her knees under the rock, which provided perfect shelter. She had had another nightmare. She liked this rock that secluded her from the air, from the cold rain, from the truth that lay in the sky. From her tiny future that lay in the stars that did not show in this stormy night.

It was dead silent other than the sound of rain and her chattering teeth. It was dark, oh so very dark. Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness and still all she saw was nothing but dark, black, off black, a very very very dark gray, and even more black. She closed her eyes, No difference. She kept them closed, for they sagged with fatigue. It had to be the middle of the night. It was dark, and when she had run, she had caught a glimpse of Rin and Jaken sleeping against a tree. If they were there, then where had Sesshomaru been? She prayed that he did not see her, and would not see her now. He hadn't spoken to her much ever since the incident with the boat. He most likely hated her now.

Her mind ran wild with disturbing thoughts and twisted feelings of hate and love and broken peace. There was no word to describe the feeling. She grabbed for the knife inside her shirt. Her mind ran away with her. IT had ruined her life. Anger overcame her. IT had taken away her life. If it hadn't been for IT she would be happily asleep right now against that tree with Rin and Jaken. She could feel the hot blood pumping through her veins, rushing through each artery. Blood that needed to be set free.

She lost herself.

(…)

Rin awoke at the sound of the rain around her. She rubbed her eyes and looked around. The tree branches acted as a protection from the rain. It was cold, and she had to go to the bathroom.

She sat up immediately and pulled herself upward quietly, not wanting to awaken Jaken. She reached for her blanket and wrapped it around her body and over her head. She rubbed her freezing hands together to retrieve warmth from the friction, but that never worked. She tiptoed away from the tree and through the puddles and mud.

She put out her hands in front of her to feel for anything that she could possibly bump into. Thunder cracked and lightning flashed, bringing temporary light to her. She made her way through trees and twists and bends. Over the pouring rain, she could hear rustling noises, and what sounded like someone cutting at a tree branch. She stopped walking and squinted, trying to see through the opaque dark.

"Who's there…?" Rin asked quietly to the sound. She knew that if it were a demon of some kind, Sesshomaru would come to save her, so she acted without fear. "…Hello?"

The cutting stopped immediately. There was a long period of silence, which was followed by gasps for air. Rin listened to the breathing.

"Hello?" Rin asked again to the darkness, "Um… are you okay?"

"R-Rin-chan…?" a strained voice said back to her. It was Hanako's voice.

"Hanako-chan!" Rin gasped, "Is that you? What are you doing out here!"

The lightning flashed again, followed by thunder. In the fleeting light, Rin could see Hanako kneeling on the ground, her entire arm sliced open with an even cut. Blood stained the ground, and her clothes.

"HANAKO-CHAN!" Rin screamed, "WHO DID THIS TO YOU!"

Hanako panted in and out. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe. What had happened? She remembered running away and hiding, but nothing else. She glanced at the knife next to her.

She had lost control. She had done this to herself. It all began coming back to her in flashes: chopping at the trees, then at her own wrist. Anger had taken her and commanded her to do so. It was as if she had been sleep walking. She shook with fear, and hot tears escaped from her eyes.

"Go back to bed, Rin…" she said, her eyes never blinking, her voice becoming empty.

"No! You're bleeding! You are going to bleed to death!" Rin panicked. She began to cry. "Who did this to you?" The only thing she could imagine was some terrible bandit grabbing hold of her in the dark and cutting at her limbs.

"I won't bleed to death…" she said quietly, feeling her blood fall from her. "Just… go back to bed…"

"But your arm…" A sudden idea came to her. "I will go get Lord Sesshomaru! He could bandage it for you… or something!" she began to take off into the woods and was about to shout his name.

"NO RIN!" Hanako shrieked, "You mustn't! You cannot! Just go back to bed and I'll be fine by the morning!" Sesshomaru thought that she had stopped cutting, when meanwhile she had been slitting open all parts of her body that were under her kimono. She did not want to see the disappointment in his face when he found out. She did not want that kind of attention. She did not want him to think badly of her. She did not want him to possibly sell her…

"Why not!" she said frantically, "If I don't you'll…"

"Just don't Rin…" she said. Rin could here the utter pain in her voice. "Please… if you ever had any sort of liking for me… then please go back to bed…"

Rin stood in silence. She could hear Hanako cursing under her breath. Rain beat down on the ground around her, and the freezing air bit at her face. Rin took off into the forest, calling out Sesshomaru's name.

"Rin-chan…" Hanako whispered, unable to scream anymore. The loss of blood had taken so much out of her. She felt herself almost melting into the ground. Would she really bleed to death? "Please… come back… don't get involved…" Her mind arose in fear of what Sesshomaru would do to her if he found out… She grabbed the knife and returned it to its right place and pulled herself across the ground with her one uninjured arm, determined to hide from him.

"Lord Sesshomaru!" Rin shouted into the air. Her voice echoed, but no one responded. "Lord Sesshomaru?" No one answered. She gasped for breath and stopped running and fell to her knees on the ground. Rain beat down all around her, drowning out her voice. It was so cold, and she was so tired. She used every bit of energy she had left…

"LORD SESSHOMARU!"

She felt a presence behind her. Strong arms picked her off the ground. Sesshomaru stared down at the terrified little child. She was most likely lost in the dark. He could see perfectly fine for his eyes were far better since he was a demon.

"Lord Sesshomaru…" Rin said with relief, her hands patting at his familiar clothing. "You came…"

He began to carry her back to where he had left her, Jaken and Hanako. He could see Rin staring up at him with worried eyes. He peered at her with increasing curiosity to what she was so afraid of.

"Lord Sesshomaru! Hanako-chan is hurt very badly! Her arm is badly wounded… and she's lost a lot of blood…"

He paused. His expression became serious. "…What?"

Rin tugged on his shirt. "You have to go help her! I think a bandit attacked her! Please!" She began sobbing again. "She's going to bleed to death if you don't help her!"

His eyes widened, but something wasn't right. If there had been a bandit around, he would have smelled it, and heard it.

"Lord Sesshomaru…" Rin begged, "What if she already passed out? Why aren't you going?"

"Where is she, Rin?" he asked, his voice sounding calm, but Rin could hear the smallest trace of worry in it.

"I don't know… its dark… I can't see…"

He scanned the air for any trace of her scent. He could smell her blood further away, but it would be a hard scent to follow since it was raining and the water was already cleaning it from the earth. He began to walk briskly forward. It wasn't that far away…

He could see blood mixed in with rainwater. The trees were all cut up around the area, which was a most peculiar sight. A trail of blood led a little further away. He walked along it with curious eyes, still carrying Rin, who clung to him with her small hands. The blood led to behind a rock. The scent around that spot was stronger.

He could hear heavy breathing from behind the rock, deep and stressful pants for air. He knew it was Hanako, for he could sense her aura. He could tell by the nervousness in her presence that she had not wanted anyone to find her. Why?

"Hanako," he said calmly, "I know you're there. Why do you hide from me?"

Hanako refused to budge from her spot behind the rock. At that moment, nothing in the world could have gotten her to move. Maybe if I stay here long enough, he will go away and leave me alone…

Sesshomaru did not understand her way of thinking. If she was hurt, why was she hiding? He walked to the other side of the rock. It was that simple to find her. He gazed at her.

She felt his eyes looking at her. She turned away from that direction, hiding her arm, which only continued to bleed profusely.

"Why do you turn away?" he asked her. This was completely unlike her. He went over closer to her shivering body. The scent of blood in the air was so thick it was almost tangible. She had a deep cut, and she was refusing to have it treated.

"Go back to Jaken, Rin," Sesshomaru ordered. Even he could tell that something wasn't right.

"But… what about Hanako-chan?" Rin looked upward blindly, trying to see Sesshomaru's face. "I want to know if she will be okay…"

"Go back to Jaken."

Rin nodded and climbed out of his arms. She would never disobey him. She looked around through the darkness. She wasn't sure how she even managed to get through the woods without bumping into anything or getting lost, but she had to manage it again. She knew something was wrong with Hanako, and she did not want to disturb her and Sesshomaru. She made her way through the seemingly never-ending darkness.

"Hanako." He could even sense the fear in her presence. She was afraid of him.

"…"

"Where did you get that cut?"

"…"

"Did a bandit attack you?"

"…" She could not think of anything to say. She did not want to lie to him and say that a bandit truly did try to kill her, but she did not want to tell him the truth either. Thunder rumbled in the distance, the storm becoming further away. A thickness hung about the air.

He had had enough of her toying with his patience. He became slightly annoyed.

"Hanako," he boomed, his voice becoming firm, "I order you to turn around."

An order. She could not resist an order from her lord. Such an act was punishable by law. She turned her head slowly. Lightening flashed, revealing his unchanged, calm yet stern face, staring straight back at hers. She turned her entire self around slowly, clutching her wounds hoping that would somehow ease the pain. Sesshomaru gaped at her bleeding arm.

"Do you know who it is who did this?" He stared at the wound. It was most strange how whoever did do it chose an exact vein that would lead to a long and painful death. Someone had tried to kill her. That angered him especially and his mind was plagued with worry, but he held it in. He would proceed to find her almost killer after he could reassure the worry in the back of his mind that she was okay. He removed his sash that was tied around his armor. He held her arm in place and began to wrap it around her bleeding arm, but he stopped suddenly. He gaped at the remainder of her arm that was left underneath her sleeve that his hands held onto. He could feel many gashes, slices, and dents on her arm. He began to lift up her sleeve.

Her eyes widened at the feeling of her sleeve being lifted and she pulled it back down. Her heart raced with fear. He could never see under there.

He stared at her with a look of surprise while observing her look of guilt. He began to lift up her sleeve again, but once more she stopped him.

Oh no… she thought, he knows! I can tell that he could feel the cuts… oh no…

She pulled herself upward quickly and staggered away from him as fast as she could. She began to run, as if her legs were wings and she flew across the ground. Blood poured faster and faster from her, and Sesshomaru's sash fell to the ground as she ran. She did not stop, as if all of the energy in the world kept her going, despite how tired she was. Her mind spiraled…

Sesshomaru got up immediately and sprinted forward. He caught up to her with ease and grabbed hold of her. She tried to break free of his grasp, but it was so dark and she couldn't see where his arms were and were not, and the thick air made it hard for her to catch her breath. She wriggled in his arms, but finally calmed down out of exhaustion. He looked down at her with confusion. What on earth was wrong with her?

He took hold of her uninjured arm, once more feeling the dents underneath her sleeve. She had reacted with guilt and fear. She was hiding something.

"Please let go," she said quickly, "You're hurting me…"

She began to pant for no reason. He could tell something was seriously wrong with her. She was overreacting, as if she were having some sort of mental breakdown. Without another moment's hesitation, he lifted her sleeve.

He gaped at it for long moments. Hanako's pants quickened and he could hear and feel her heartbeat pounding louder and louder. Her arm had been exposed to the eyes of another...

What he saw would have made anyone else gag. Her entire upper arm was completely marred with deep cuts that looked severely infected; some of them were even turning green. He couldn't even see her normal skin anymore. Scar after scab after fresh new cut. All of them that looked like they were done with a knife. All of them that were lined up almost perfectly. All of them that looked like they were all made with the same knife.

"Hanako…" he began, his eyes never leaving the billions of scars. He looked them up and down. "…What… is this…?"

She looked away from him, her face wearing some unknown and abnormal expression. She pulled down her sleeve. She began to escape him again, but he once more grabbed her back. She shuddered.

"It hurts…" she said again, "you're hurting me… they all hurt me!" She began to sound like she was insane.

"What hurts?" Her cuts obviously, but it sounded like she meant more than that. "Who has been doing this to you?" Now he was truly angry. Was someone coming by night and torturing her and she was not allowed to tell? That was the only explanation he could think of. Whoever this was would most definitely die by his hand.

"No one," she said. Nothing could make her tell him.

"Nonsense." He could not understand her. Why didn't she just say who had done it? She should know by now that no one could possibly harm her for telling him, for whoever tried to harm her would never live to see the sun rise.

She once more broke free of him and began to stagger away, but tripped over a rock and fell onto the ground. The knife that had been hidden in her shirt slipped out from between her breasts and fell somewhere into the grass. She panicked and her hands fumbled about the ground looking for it. It was too dark. She could not see. The knife lay somewhere on the ground and she could not locate it. Her mind went frantic.

Sesshomaru walked over to her. She did not get up off of the ground. She was so physically and mentally exhausted that she could not continue running. She would die at this spot. She would die running from him. She would die running from the truth.

He stared down at her, sprawled out on the ground, her arm still bleeding. She had stopped moving. Why was she being so foolish? He glanced over next to her. A knife lay on the ground not too far away from her hand. He picked it up reluctantly. It was covered in dried blood. Hanako's dried blood. Why hadn't he seen this before?

"This knife was used to cut you…" he said with a softer tone.

Hanako's entire body stiffened. He had found the knife. She felt the need to sit up. It was all over now. She pulled herself upward, her mind spinning in turmoil. She could not run anymore. Her legs hurt far too much.

Sesshomaru became completely confused. She had had the knife with her. This knife had obviously been used to cut open her arm. It didn't make any sense.

Her mind spun in unknown directions. Flashes of memories came back to her more and more. She hadn't thought of these things in so long. It was time. Now is where she would die. She couldn't take the pain any longer: the pain of broken skin, the pain of being lost and alone, the pain of losing her child…

She blindly grabbed the knife from Sesshomaru's hands and cut the wound deeper; Right before his very eyes.

He gaped at her. She sat there, the look of a rabid animal on her face. Her eyes looked wild and desperate. All she needed was foam coming out of her mouth. He grabbed the knife away from her, in complete shock. He threw it behind him. Nothing would come out of his mouth. Blood flowed all over the ground around her. Did she want to die?

Wait… he thought.

It had finally hit him.

Those cuts had been self-inflicted by Hanako.

He stared at her with widened eyes. She felt him looking at her. She cursed herself for doing that right in front of him. She smirked slightly at the satisfying site of her tattered arm; a suiting punishment for all of the wrong she had done. The high came to her, seeping up into her mind, giving her temporary relief. It all felt so good. She closed her eyes and relaxed.

"A bandit did not attack me," she said. Her voice did not even sound like her own. It lacked emotion. "…The person who detests me most attacked me. The person who detests me most wants me to die… I am the person who detests me most." She began laughing at herself; an inhumane cruel laugh that laughed at something so incredibly and darkly funny or perhaps ironic. It wasn't funny in the least bit, but she laughed anyway.

Sesshomaru gaped at her. It was horrifying. She was laughing at her own demise. She was welcoming it. She actually wanted to die. His eyes quivered slightly.

What he had done for her had not been enough to soothe her pain. Those men who had raped her: had it never stopped bothering her? He had stopped thinking of it too soon. Perhaps if he had seen it all sooner, this would not be happening.

Once he thought about it more, the signs had all been there. The time he had seen her bare stomach which was covered in scrapes. The things Naraku had said about her…

"You wake up each night from nightmares of those who tortured you for so many years. You think about going to your Lord Sesshomaru for help, but figure he wouldn't care and don't want to bother him, and so you cry yourself back to sleep…"

"You plan to leave us all when your lord grows tired of you."

"Just remember this Hanako. Go down the road, not across the street."

It was all so plain, even spoken aloud. He had ignored it. He gazed at her with seemingly painful eyes. She still laughed. He almost felt as if this were his fault. He pushed down any sort of feelings of grief and kept a straight face. He would not lose his dignity now.

She cackled to herself. All of it was so hilarious. She would die here before him. Now he knew her. Now he knew what she truly was. There was no way he would want her anymore anyway.

There was no way he would want her anymore anyway…

Her laughter was choked by cries. Tears ran down her cheeks. She buried her head in her knees. She sobbed again. She cried so much in front of him…

He could only watch her cry. There was nothing he could do for her. A similar happening had taken place a little while ago when he had found out that she had been abused. He had killed the men who had caused her such suffering. Now, the only person who was causing her suffering was herself. Only she could help herself.

"Hanako…" he said to her, keeping himself emotionless, "I thought we had gotten rid of this problem of yours. What I did not was not enough?" He took the sash and began wrapping it around her arm again. It was stained with red, and it most likely would not wash out.

She looked upward, her face bright red from crying. She sniffled, and searched for his face in the dark.

"Oh Lord Sesshomaru…" she said softly, "…what you have done for me… is more than enough…" She tried once more to make out his face. She wanted to see him. She missed his face, and feared that perhaps she would bleed to death and never see it again. "and I… will always be… eternally grateful…" She could feel his body heat close to hers. She followed it over to him and found his body. She nestled herself into it. She sobbed into his chest.

His eyes widened at her actions. She lay in his lap, crying into him. She just wanted comfort. She sought it from him. But he did not know comfort. He did not know what to do.

"And so you inflicted pain upon your own self? " he said to her. He could not understand why anyone would want to do that.

"I know!" she cried, "and I'm sorry… it's just…" She shivered close to him. "You got rid of what was on the outside… but no one can get rid of what is on the inside…" She clung to him. "All memories I have to reflect on are bad! There is nothing good… I am nothing good." She could almost see him now, partially because she was now so close to him, but also because her eyes had started to adjust more to the sheer darkness. "It has stopped… I have nothing more to fear… and yet…" She gazed at what she thought was his face, "It all happens again and again in my head. And no one can ever stop it… because its me who makes them come and I don't know why. So I thought that maybe… if I hurt the person who makes them come…" she broke down again into sobs, "then they would all go away!"

Her way of thinking was distorted. Why she did this made some kind of sense, but it was all distorted. He still felt odd with her cuddled up into his lap, but let her be. He did not want to hurt her anymore than she already was.

"You are a fool…" he said to her, "such a pitiful fool…"

She shivered. She looked for his face again in the dark, trying so desperately to see it, but there was nothing. She spoke directly to his body heat.

"You mean… you hate me now and you don't want me anymore?"

He looked down at her, staring blindly off into the distance. So this was Hanako: paranoid and suicidal. She had so many problems, so many flaws, and so many bad things about her. You get what you pay for. Any other lord would have gotten rid of her long ago. She would have been such a bother to anyone else, and on most days to him.

But she was not a bother. Not even close. He enjoyed her company and enjoyed that she fit so perfectly onto his body.

"You will not be sold," he said. He had to reassure her of this too many times.

Her face became more relaxed. She listened to his heartbeat, its steady rhythm soothing her.

Several moments of silent rainfall passed. She lay in his arms for what seemed like hours, never saying a word. She looked so deep in thought, her eyes glittering as they stared off into an unknown distance. He gazed at her the entire time. She lay still and quiet. Her only movements were her deep breaths; her chest moving in and out. The sun began to come up over the forest, the darkness dissipating. They could see eachother perfectly now.

"You're lucky…" she said suddenly, her voice breathy and quiet.

He spoke without looking at her. "Am I now?"

"Yes…" she said again, finally closing her eyes. She kept her head rested on his chest.

"And why is that?"

She was silent for a few moments, and then spoke.

"You have fond memories to look back upon… you can view your past in a positive way… you have good memories… a full past…" she opened her eyes slowly, "…and I don't."

"How selfish of you to say that," Sesshomaru said. In some way, she was somewhat ungrateful. She needed to stop being sorry for herself, even thought she had every right to be. But it was so long ago, and the time was coming to move on.

Hanako looked up at him. Why was this? "Huh?"

"After everything I've done to make sure you are in good care… I have been wasting my time?" he paused and looked down at her. She was looking at him as well. "Does anything please you, Hanako?"

She continued to stare at him with a confused face. Where had that all come from?

He sighed. "I am sure that somewhere in your little mind there is a memory worth remembering."

She cocked her head to one side. She had no memories worth remembering. All of them were bad and worse. Nothing had ever improved in her miserable life up until Sesshomaru had taken her from the slave traders…

Recently. That was recently. Did those all count as memories too? Memories: fragments of the past. All of those happy times could be memories…

The time she met Rin: that was a happy time. She remembered the warm spring air through her hair as her and Rin talked together for the first time and ate fish around the fire.

The time Bo had come and made Sesshomaru jealous: Maybe it wasn't funny for Sesshomaru, but it was funny for her.

The time Sesshomaru had "given" her the jingle bell necklace around her neck: she loved that necklace. It still was around her neck, or the remains of it at least.

The time she had met Sesshomaru's younger brother Inuyasha and his friends: They had made her laugh so much, even though that entire thing was connected to a more negative series of events.

The time she had kissed Sesshomaru: Perhaps it was bad and all, but like it or not, to her it was a VERY good memory…

And all of her other days spent with Sesshomaru, Jaken, and Rin: every moment with them made her happy.

And the only person who had been ruining it all was herself.

Tears fell down her cheeks once more. They wet Sesshomaru's clothes. He looked down at her. Her face was becoming even redder from crying. She had been crying the whole night.

"You are crying again," he said, "Why must you always cry?"

She returned his gaze with a smile. "These… are not tears of sadness… but tears of joy."

Sesshomaru stared at her as she continued to smile to herself, completely oblivious to the revelation that had just taken place inside her mind.

Peace. Her mind was finally at true peace. IT was gone. They were gone. Everything was gone. Sesshomaru had done it again. She would be so lost without him…

How she loved him so…

Sesshomaru observed her silently, for some reason enjoying their intimacy; her body pressed against his. It was a comforting feeling. Her shivering ceased.

She rested her head on him again., a smile still dancing upon her lips. She closed her eyes, her fatigue overcoming her, and fell asleep: the deepest, most peaceful sleep of her life.

She had asked herself earlier where the comforting arms were to throw herself into. She had found them.