DESTROYED
Chapter 6
SUMMARY: In this chapter, it's not over by far… Collins must now make decisions as he and Angel sort through their problems; Mimi and Angel share a tender moment; Collins is confronted by his past; and Angel tells Mimi of he didn't tell his attacker that he's HIV +… and out of fears for their safety, he refuses to say who it is.
"Shit!" Angel could barely contain him self from screaming as a sudden rush of pain shot through his arm and up his neck. Okay – wasn't expecting that. With Collins still sleeping at his bedside, and none of the others realizing that he had awoken, Angel did the only thing he could do in his incapacitated state – with his good arm, he reached across to the bedside table and picked up the control thingy that allowed for him to call for assistance. A few seconds later, a pleasant looking nurse entered the room and immediately walked over to him and smiled… Angel returned the gesture, and smiled wearily with a mixture of fatigue, being doped up, and charm.
"Well looks like someone decided to rejoin the land of the living," she commented and checked his IV tubes and gave a quick visual check to make sure everything was in order, which it was.
"Ugh…" Angel groaned. "Come on honey we're way beyond the patronizing stage I think…"
The pretty young nurse, who looked to be no older than twenty three or twenty four, chuckled and checked a machine. "Fine, fine… so how you feeling?"
"Shitty."
"As expected."
"Isn't it your job to make sure I don't feel like that?"
She shrugged and winked before checking the morphine and IV drip bags. "I do what they tell me…"
Angel smiled, slyly. "Oh, stupid me, I thought you're supposed to listen to the patients!"
"Oh hell no," she jumped in. "According to the politicians and the state of public health care today, I'm not allowed to listen to patients anymore."
"That'd be fuckin' right."
"So what can I do for you?" she finally turned to him.
"Morphine, darlin'…" Angel said. "A truck load of it."
The nurse checked the bag again and noted on her clipboard that more morphine was required. This girl seemed pretty cool, and Angel hoped she would be the one attending to him – he hated hospitals, and being a patient in one just made him feel worse. It helped to have someone look after him who wasn't caught up in the pretentious bullshit politics that dictated modern health care in America these days.
"I'll get right on it, honey," she winked and patted his leg (the good one), reassuringly. Before she left the room, she stopped and looked at the man who was still sleeping, looking very uncomfortable, in the seat. She then glanced back at Angel, who had since closed his eyes and him self was looking very tired and uncomfortable…
"Boyfriend, friend,or brother?" she asked, curiously. Angel opened his eyes and looked over in the direction she was.
"Hmm? Oh. None. Ex." Angel smiled again, but this time it was sadly. The nurse smiled back, sympathetically, and continued to move to leave the room.
"Tell him he shouldn't be sleeping like that. Can permanently screw up his back. I'll be right back with your morphine!"
Angel watched her leave, slightly confused at how someone could be so cheerful in a place where death was just as prominent as life… in fact, probably even more so. But then again, it would take a strong will to be able to withstand seeing human beings so ill, or in agonizing pain. He rested his head against his pillow and sighed, looking around the sterile, boring room, and thinking of all the ways he, Mimi, and Maureen could redecorate it… well, actually that wouldn't be hard, considering it was just barren and cold-looking. Angel rolled his eyes in disgust and let out a deep exhale, bored out of his mind – he wasn't in constant pain, but he was starting to feel uncomfortable and he did feel pain if he moved suddenly or shifted into a different position.
Right in front of him on the bland light blue hospital room wall, a twenty-four hour clock stared back at him, each second ticking by, mercilessly, and the growing desire to find something to do was almost overwhelming. But then again… he was half-asleep, doped up on morphine, and could barely move any part of his body without feeling the pain… he was aware of the damage done to his head and face, so he found it difficult to breathe properly at times, before remembering that because of his broken nose, he had to breathe entirely though his mouth now and that was annoying enough. But to have to lay here and know that the only reason you can bare being in conscious state was because of drugs and tractions, was beyond annoying. It was boring!
Angel wasn't thinking about his attacker… he wasn't even thinking about what had happened, or what he could've done to prevent it. And as much as he wanted to blame Collins for coming back and for causing all this shit to do now, he just didn't have the energy or the heart to do so. But none of that would matter, because he's alive. He'll recover, or so he was told by the first doctor that had walked in about two or three minutes after he awoke – and while it was good news to be spread, Angel still didn't call for his friends, despite the doctor offering him to go get them. He'd prefer them to think he still was unconscious, rather have them come in and fuss over him and question him until he went completely insane. It would serve no good or useful purpose for them or him especially.
The clock on the wall continued its constant ticking, and became rhythmically aligned with the beeping of the heart monitor. Time itself seemed to mock him and it was frustrating to not be able to move without fear of pain taking hold of him, so the only option Angel had was to remain still… remain quite… remain incapacitated. Angel felt the beads of sweat dampening his face and chest. The ticking and the beeping translated into beatings in his mind. He wasn't in pain, just uncomfortable and trying to grasp more understanding of what was happening to him… one of the most prominent things in his mind, that he could not nor would not let himself forget, was the kisses Collins gave him. He was in so much pain at that point, that reality was almost nonexistent, but he believed with all his heart that it was Collins' sweet kisses… the touch of his lips on his own, that gave Angel the life he needed to keep breathing. To keep fighting.
Angel cringed when he moved slightly so his back was in a better position for him to relax… for him to move even an inch, it required every ounce of energy he could muster as he was doped up quite a lot, and besides having the pain and discomfort, he was just plain tired. He sighed and gave up trying to fight his own body, which was just being so stubborn and not cooperating – even though he had narrowly escaped death, and he was fully aware of just how close he came, Angel was always impatient and wanting to just get up and do his thing. This was a serious inconvenience.
A soft groan interrupted his thoughts, and Angel looked over to see Collins beginning to move – his heart started to pound faster, and even smiled a little. It had been a long time since Collins had this kind of spell on Angel, and vice versa… his breath caught in his throat and momentarily, he couldn't breathe.
Collins opened his eyes and an instant rush of pain shot through his neck from his lack of moving in the past few hours.
"Oh shit…" he muttered and rubbed the back of his neck, unaware that Angel was fully awake and watching him, with slight amusement.
The college professor sighed but didn't move from his slouched position in the chair, and he just stared up at the ceiling, still not realizing that another pair of eyes was focused on him.
He still held onto Angel's hand and wouldn't let go – it was still warm and the skin was soft… the heart monitor still beeped… so he assumed nothing had change. But Angel couldn't understand why Collins wasn't looking at him, and his smile faded slightly. Okay, if Collins wouldn't look at him voluntarily, he would – force – him to. Collins rested his elbow on the armrest of the chair and rubbed his forehead, closing his eyes again and felt the headache that had plagued him the last week had come back. The stress he had been under was intense, and he was pretty sure that if things didn't start to get better soon, he would have a nervous break down or whatever – let's not forget that Collins is HIV positive too, and stress is known to speed up the effects of the disease as it ravages the immune system.
Angel smiled curiously and his eyes focused on his hand that was being held by Collins, and his smile spread into a weak grin. He then began to slightly curl his fingers, just enough for his love to feel the movement, and he got the desired effect – Collins looked up in shock and gasped, not believing what he was seeing. It took a few moments for the image of Angel smiling at him from the bed – seemingly a little stronger, and no hate in his eyes.
Still shocked, Collins quickly moved over and sat on the bed, holding Angel's hand and arm closer to him…
"Angel…" he softly said, gazing into the young man's eyes, and didn't know what to say… there really wasn't much to be said right then, but they still had so many things to work out – but neither of them were wanting anything but each other. To Angel, Collins was looking so damn sexy that if he was physically able to, he'd do the guy right there and then. And vice versa. But it went much more than just physical lust, and the connection they shared was beyond anything that could be imagined…
Angel could feel Collins' breath on his face, and it was warm and pure. The touch of his skin made the drag queen realize just how much he missed him in his life, and that his body and soul yearned for that eternal love once more.
"Hey baby," Angel whispered back, a serious and yet soft look in his eyes – one of innocence and desire. "You came back…"
Collins bit his lip to prevent him from breaking down, but tears glistened in his eyes and made them sparkle. "I couldn't stay away if I tried," he replied. "You keep pulling me back…"
Angel held his hand, and brought it up to his own chest, gently placing Collins' hand there while being careful not to aggravate his injuries further. "Too hard to let you go," he said. "I couldn't let you go. You know how damn hard I tried?" he added in his true diva fashion, and Collins chuckled. The spark of the old Angel that he had fallen in love with was still there – and probably could never be taken away.
Collins shifted slightly on the bed and looked around him to make sure he was clear of any tubes so he wasn't obstructing anything that could endanger Angel. Surprisingly they weren't uncomfortable with each other like they thought would be, and it was actually just like the last time they had been in a bedroom, alone, together (of course, except without all the injuries and tubes and life support machines and anesthetics)… but it was the night before Angel discovered Collins and Samuel in the club, and the night they shared together was probably their most passionate, ever.
Now, Collins was gently stroking his finger across Angel's chest and lifted his hand to his mouth and kissed him. Kissing Angel's skin was what he imagined a real angel of heaven's skin would feel and taste like – pure ecstasy and innocence mixed together to create a pure and everlasting, tantalizing flavor of love.
"I'm sorry," Collins whispered and continued to kiss Angel's hand. "I didn't… I don't…" he finally looked up and his eyes met his lover's… the tears they both cried screamed more and louder than actual words could ever begin to. It was these intangible moments combined with real love that they both treasured, and what made their love the envy of the others.
"I love you, Angel… never could it be anyone else…"
Angel didn't respond with words, only with one finger did he respond by touching Collins' lip. He felt he didn't need to speak. He let the man continue… Collins needed this time to say what he needed to, and Angel would not deny him that, no matter how much he felt he didn't need to hear it. He already knew.
"I never forgive myself for what I did… never… whether you forgive me or not; whether you would ever still want me… fuck, Angel, I miss everything about you… and seeing you lying there almost killed me."
"Collins—"
"No," Collins said, his voice wavering with uncertainty, still kissing Angel's hand and then he leaned down further, and now their faces; their mouths… were within inches of each other. Sensually, he then let his lips gently graze this side of Angel's neck, sending shivers down the injured man's spine. All the pain. All the discomfort… It no longer existed. Each kiss was healing the physical torment Angel suffered, and the emotional toll that had once kept him from even leaving the apartment. Now, as he stared into Collins' dark brown, scared, yet loving eyes… as weak as he was, he suddenly felt like he could run a marathon or leap over buildings, or fly… but first, he actually had to find the strength to sit up properly.
Collins wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his shirt, and Angel could see his body shake from the silent sobs that were obviously ripping him apart from the inside out.
"No," the older man repeated, more defiantly. Some things he had left unsaid for a while now, and he wasn't sure if this was the right time to say them, but he had to at least keep Angel from stressing or worrying about anything other than getting better. "Forget it…" he finally conceded, seeing the discomfort the drag queen was in. "We'll talk later. I'm just glad that," he paused to recollect himself before continuing. "That… I – we – have been given another chance. That is…" Collins prepared himself for the rejection because after what happened even he couldn't trust him self, and he was certainly in no position to ask for Angel to trust him again, especially in his condition. "Only if you—"
Knock, knock
He was interrupted by someone knocking on the door and entering the room – he and Angel both looked up to see the nurse walk in with a small try of what looked like medication and antibiotics. Angel groaned, anticipating that the next few minutes were not going to be entirely pleasant, that's why he hated hospitals. The nurse smirked when she saw him grimace at the prospect of all the medication he would be on… she then glanced at Collins and then back at Angel. Both of them had been crying so she knew she had walked in on what was probably a very delicate situation…
"Wow," she commented, stopping on the other side of Angel's bed. "Did I interrupt?"
"Always the best timing," Angel smiled and then yawned. He was incredibly exhausted but he didn't want to sleep – he was only just beginning to hear what he wanted to here from Collins for so long, even though he probably wouldn't have admitted it to himself a week ago.
"That's what they pay me for." She retorted and picked up a needle containing morphine. "And you requested my services, remember?"
"Oh I remember."
"Good, so stop complaining."
"I'm a patient; I'm allowed to complain."
"Whatever," she chuckled and tapped the needle several times to make sure that the contents were viable and ready. Angel winced when he slightly moved his leg and instantly regretted it… Collins, seeing his distress, leaned down and kissed his forehead and whispered something in his ear, inaudible to anyone but Angel – words of comfort, probably. The nurse smiled at the lovely display of affection from the man to Angel, and could guess that this was more than likely a reconciliation of some sorts… but she stayed out of it, obviously, as it was none of her business.
"You know," she told Collins as she inserted the needle into the tube to provide Angel with some much needed relief. "You need to tell your boyfriend to lay off the smart ass comments,"
"Oh, he's not—" Collins started to say, but caught himself when seeing the look on Angel's face. Neither of them needed to say it, but then again whenever they did fight or whatever, words were not usually needed for them to forgive and move on. With the situation being as serious as it was, that wasn't going to be the case here… but instead, Collins just smiled and decided to play as it went along, going along with the nurse's assumption that they were in fact back together. "Yeah, that's my Angel," he concluded. "Trust me, this isn't his worse—hey!" he was interrupted when Angel lightly elbowed him in his stomach. "Nice, Ang. Real nice."
"My arm… slipped…" Angel grinned and could almost immediately feel the effects of the magical drug that entered his system... an almost euphoric feeling swept through his body and his muscles relaxed and eased from the tenuous and slightly painful recovery process. Collins rolled his eyes.
"Slipped? Come on you can do better than that."
"Screw you, honey…"
"Not now," Collins winked and Angel bit his lip, almost blushing even. As bad as things got, their quick back-and-forth bantering and flirting was as powerful as always… both of them were quick and found enjoyment in it... it still came so naturally to them.
The nurse finished injecting the morphine and then went about handing Angel a couple of pills and a glass of water. Not being able to use his mobilized arm, he allowed Collins to help him take the medication and he made a disgusted face afterwards.
"Well I'll leave you two boys alone," the nurse smiled and turned to Collins. "Be nice," she instructed. "He's still fragile."
"Got it."
Angel frowned and started to protest. "Fragile? Wha—fragile? Oh I'll show you frag—" he started to move, but stopped when the pain in his shoulder and stomach became too intense.
"Ahh FUCK!" he yelled and lay back down, with Collins' gentle prodding him to relax. A sudden desire to protect him was not possible, because he knew Angel's physical injuries would take time on their own.
"You try get out of that bed again and I'll hold you down, myself!"
Angel's eyes practically lit up at that suggestion. "Babe that's actually a great incentive for me to try getting up to walk." He started to move. "Maybe I can walk…" he teased and moved further to get up, but Collins firm stare just made him stay where he was and not follow through…
The nurse rolled her eyes and finished up, and then started to leave.
"Be good, guys," she teased and shut the door behind her, once again leaving Angel and Collins to themselves. The temptation to act on the attraction between them that just wouldn't die was powerful – Angel was undressing him with his eyes and just thinking of all the things he wanted to do to him, and have done to him self. Collins could see the mischievous, yet weary, glint in his eyes and it made him want him even more… but he remained strong and defiant to his own desires. Instead, he started planting soft kisses on Angel's face, careful as to not to interfere with the breathing aids and other medical aids that were running in and out of his body… it was very sensual; very romantic… and a great incentive for Angel to forgive him…
"You tease," Angel joked.
"That's usually your role," Collins whispered. "Just taking a page out of your play book…"
"My play book is off limits to everyone."
"Even me?"
"Especially you!"
"Why?"
Angel didn't respond right a way, the conversation was interrupted with him yawning and trying to blink rapidly to keep himself awake. Needless to say the medicine was working, and the discomfort was almost gone… but now all his body was telling him to do was sleep… and that, at this moment with Collins, was something he didn't want to do. Collins continued to kiss him and tenderly rubbed his chest and took extra precautions not to hurt him.
"Angel, you should sleep…"
"I'm not tired," he lied and yawned again.
"Like hell you're not," Collins replied and pulled the blankets up to Angel's chest, keeping him warm. "Let your body heal itself or whatever they say it does when you sleep. I ain't goin' anywhere…"
"What about Mass?"
"What?"
"You got a whole new life at MIT, Collins," Angel whispered – not bitterly or in any fashion of anger, but maybe in disappointment… sadness… regret. "You gotta go back, right?"
"Screw MIT. It's not a new life, just an escape from my old one… I belong here. With you." He kissed Angel's neck softly. "I love you. And I'm so sorry what I did to you, baby, I—"
"Shut up," Angel interrupted – his eyelids felt like they weighed ten tons. "Stop saying sorry… you have no idea how annoying that is."
Collins laughed weakly at Angel's transparent attempt to make him feel better, but no matter what he said, it didn't help the guilt he felt gnawing into him further and further. He had no doubt that Angel wouldn't be lying in the hospital bed fighting for his life physically and emotionally, if he had just been honest in the first place.
"I'll try," was his simple response.
"I forgave you a long time ago, Tom," he was now serious… well, as serious as Angel could be. "As angry as I was... that's how much I realised I love you... and beyond that." he spoke in true poetic and even slightly cryptic form. But what he said next was not cryptic, nor necessarily poetic. But they were true word. And truer words were never spoken...
"I love you."
Hearing those words sent Collins over the edge and he burst into tears… his head rested just next to Angel, and he just cried. Hidden emotion broke through the walls he had built to protect himself from facing the reality of it all… Angel's forgiving nature was something he couldn't understand, nor sure if he deserved it. Angel stroked the back of his head, in a reversal of roles that it was now his time to comfort and be strong… it had to have been worse for them all, he figured… after all, he was unconscious, but Collins and their friends had to deal with the reality of seeing him in a state that lingered between life and death; death teasing them and squeezing any last bit of strength out of them.
"I love you, Angel," Collins sobbed, but his voice was barely audible to the human ear. But Angel heard every word, and each word strengthened his heart and his faith… the strength of his character was only because of the love he had from his friends, and from Collins. No matter what happened next, he knew he had them to keep him going… and Collins was back for good. Now, I know you must be wondering – I mean, Angel's been beaten and raped… why isn't he more depressed or scared? Well, he is… but he really wasn't thinking about it, not at that moment. With Collins by his side, he found himself being unafraid of what may come, as stupid and as crazy as that sounds…
"You're not going anywhere?" he asked, weakly, seeking some level of confirmation and comfort.
"Never again," came the muffled reply.
Angel took those words with him into sleep, and his eyes closed and he drifted off, carried by waves of love and comfort… and morphine… into a deep slumber that, for the first time in many weeks, was one of peace.
Getting no reply, Collins looked up to see that Angel had finally succumbed to his body's growing desires for rest… it was in sleep, he knew, that the body's recovery process was at its fastest and most effective. With the ceiling light bearing down on them, Angel really did look like his namesake… so peaceful and angelic… it didn't seem real. Collins then remembered that the others still didn't know Angel had awoken, so he figured he should maybe get some exercise and go find them, knowing that Angel would probably sleep for hours. He also had it in mind to thank Benny for all his help, as much as it would pain him to admit that Benny's presence probably helped save Angel's life… gratitude and credit must be given where it's due.
He stood beside Angel's bed, fidgeting and trying to think of what to do. But finally, he worked up the courage to leave his bedside – after giving him a soft kiss on the lips, and seeing that Angel didn't wake up as a result, he walked towards the door, with heavy thoughts on his mind.
15 MINUTES LATER
"He's awake!" Maureen jumped up front the couch in the waiting room, and ran over to Collins and jumped into his arms, shocking him a bit and sending him stumbling against the wall. Mark and Roger had arrived back with snacks and drinks only about five minutes before Collins came in, and everyone of them just stared at him with dark, expectant eyes.
"Yeah," Collins told her, giving her a quick hug back and then turned to face the others. "I was asleep and he woke up before me, but…"
"How is he?" Mimi interrupted, nervously. Being a junkie, in a hospital, with no fix… she was a little 'jumpy' to say the least.
"He's okay. Still weak… can't move very much, and he's tired. He's asleep again now, but…"
"But?"
"He'll be okay…"
"Did he say who did it?" Roger growled, angrily, and wanting nothing more that to kill the fucking asshole who dared to hurt his friend.
"No. I don't think he was really thinking about it… it seemed okay… as normal as Angel can get… I think he was just as happy to see me as I was to see him doing okay," Collins continued to explain and he leaned against the wall, with Maureen leaning against him with her head on his shoulder. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore."
"Well you can't leave," Mark snapped. "Not now…"
"I didn't say I was leaving, Mark!" Collins replied with an equal amount of force, and tensions started rising. Mark probably was the one who trusted Collins the least, feeling an ounce of betrayal himself when the man stormed out of the loft for the last time – and now he was back and Angel was just so willing to forgive him. Granted, he almost died, but still… he wasn't the only one Collins walked out on, and Mark was still feeling the sting of it. "I just... don't know it I can handle it again. If he can handle it..."
"Handle what?"
"Us." He confessed. "Angel has enough to deal with…"
"Sweetie there's no one he'd rather have to help him through this than you," Mimi told him. "I've heard him cry in his sleep because he wants you back. You're back in his life, ours too! You can't leave!"
"I'm not leaving! For fucks sake!" he yelled, exasperated. "I just need space is all…" he walked over to the waiting room entrance and turned around before leaving."I need air… guys, I'm not leaving. But I won't pretend it doesn't hurt." Collins then left the room with everyone staring after him… again, they didn't follow – if he wanted his space, they would give it to him.
Mimi finally let go of Roger's hand and stepped closer to the entrance… she needed her fix badly, and Roger saw it, so he walked up behind her and slipped his strong arms around her tiny waist so she wouldn't go nut.
"Let him go…" he whispered and kissed the back of her neck, causing her to shudder. She turned around and he was shocked to see a tear in her eye.
"If Angel and Collins couldn't last…" she whispered, tearfully. "What chance do we have?"
"What!"
"I mean, they had it all. Perfect relationship. Perfect love. From what I hear, from what Angel told me, perfect sex! If even perfects not enough to make them last, what hope is there for us!" there was a glint of desperation in her eyes and the reassurance she was seeking wasn't enough to cure the doubt she felt.
"Mimi, you're nuts," he rolled his eyes, not believing what he was hearing… but she made a valid point. The break up of Angel and Collins resonated through the group and indeed much of the bohemian community, like an earthquake…
But she paid no attention to his obvious lack of assertiveness in the matter, and she wondered why he wasn't as concerned.
"I'm serious!" she cried, gripping at his shirt in a desperate measure. Meanwhile, Maureen moved over to Joanne, and the two of them just held each other… Mimi's shaking fingers tangled with her wild hair and she bit her nails out of pure nervousness.
"Everyone I talked to says that Angel and Collins had the perfect relationship, and what if perfect isn't good enough? It leaves the rest of us fucking screwed, that's what!"
"You can't go comparing them to us, Mims!" Roger reasoned.
"Why not!"
"Because it's not fair on us!" he explained. "Collins went off and fucked some stranger in a club because he lost his job!"
"So?"
"So?" he was taken aback. "You honestly think I would be capable of that? Fucking hell, Mimi! You're the one who cheated on me with BENNY! OF ALL PEOPLE!" he was yelling at her, sick of her paranoid behavior. The thing with Mimi was that she and Angel were so close and shared everything with each other, and they had so much in common – their personalities just clicked, they were now like brother and sister (or maybe just sisters!) To see someone hurting – someone who she loved, it hurt her too… some may say that she was acting paranoid, but no more than she usually acted out.
Groaning out of frustration, she gently pushed herself away from Roger and followed Collins' direction towards leaving the large, open room.
"Where're you going?" Joanne asked.
"To see Angel," was the reply, and she didn't turn around to wait for a response. They all wanted to see Angel, but were instructed by medical personnel that only one visitor was allowed into the room at a time. Mimi stormed from the room and looked both ways down the long, sterile, cold hallway, and then turned right and started walking briskly towards Angel.
A few minutes later, she was standing in the doorway to Angel's room, just staring at the motionless friend that looked so peaceful and delicate… but still like an angel. His body was almost glowing in his white hospital garments under the light that shone from the ceiling. Despite his condition, Angel still looked as gorgeous as ever – it probably wasn't really possible for him to actually look bad, even when he had the hell beaten out of him.
Mimi stepped into the room, which was only slightly warmer than in the main hospital hallway, but she still wrapped her jacket tighter around her slim body as she slowly, cautiously, moved to Angel's bedside. She looked him up and down, seeing all the tubes and bandages… at least he didn't look like he was in pain…
She slowly reached out to touch his hand, but paused for fear of causing more damage…
"So…" she muttered, sitting down, and remembering that once she heard that people who unconscious or sleeping, even on meds, could still subconsciously hear someone talking to them… or whatever that bullshit was, Mimi hadn't exactly been paying attention at the time.
"You really fucked us up, Angel," she tucked her hair behind her ears and crossed her arms over her stomach and sat on the edge of her seat, her legs almost glued together. She hummed a basic tune and looked around at the room – not exactly a warm environment for someone who used to be all about warmth and love. No doubt Angel hated hospitals, not because he feared them, but because they were so dull and loveless, and emotionless…
Apart of Mimi was afraid to even look at her friend in such a defenseless, vulnerable position, let alone touch him. But she finally forced herself to turn her head and study the sleeping man, who was barely older than her by two or three years, who had a soft expression, one that a person would get when they were in a deep slumber that remained undisturbed. She sighed.
"Man, you have no idea," she continued and gave him a defeated smile. "You've been all over the place for months and still… the moment Collins comes back you get all fiery and passionate again. And, I can't help but wonder why… you know?"
Angel remained sleeping and his only movement was the rise and fall of his chest with every inhale and exhale of air.
"I just wish…" her eyes lowered and focused on her fidgeting hands, like she was about to make a confession."Sometimes I wish I did die last year on Christmas Eve… and yeah I know what you'd say, but to be honest… no, screw honesty, to be blunt I really wouldn't give a damn. Kinda like you and Collins. From what I heard, you were never so attached to someone before… and now, it's like you turn in the butter every time you hear his name. And, I know he hurt you, but still… no matter what, we just want our Angel back too…"
It was no secret that it the whole group felt the sting of Collins' betrayal… not only did they lose him, but in spirit they lost a lot of Angel's beautiful soul. He was just starting to get it back, not a lot, but he was just starting to shine through again when Collins and his student turned up at the Cat Scratch Club. Mimi was afraid that Angel would revert back to how he was two or three months ago, when he had completely changed from flamboyant and fiery and fun-loving, to a withdrawn, reclusive, and depressed. It was scary to see such a quick transition, and Mimi's youth and subsequent naivety was just outmatched completely. She had been through a lot of shit in her young life – being an S&M dancer, a drug addict, with AIDS… but that was her. She never had to really deal with anyone else's problems before, or rape… and it scared her to see her best friend on the receiving end of such a horrific attack.
Caught up in her own misery and confusion, Mimi didn't notice that Angel had awoken again and was now smiling at her, innocently. His mind was clouded with the drugs having a firm hold on him, and his eyes were becoming readjusted to the light once more… it had taken seconds for him to realize that Collins was no longer sitting there and that Mimi had taken his place, but the two of them still exhibited the same emotion and distress… guilt, anger… self-pity?
"Hey baby," he whispered serenely, and Mimi's head jolted up, stunned.
"Fuck," she grasped at her chest and Angel laughed weakly and reached out his hand to her, which she gladly took in her own."Nice, Ang. Thanks."
"Any…" he was cut off by him self, coughing a few times, and then continued. "… Time."
"So… how you doin'?"
"Can't…" he breathed. "Complain. Still breathin', I guess that's something," he gave her a small smile that allowed a touch of the old Angel Dumott Schunard to shine through for just a second, in which Mimi caught a glimpse.
"What about you, Mimi? You okay, girl?"
"Same as usual."
"So you're worried that Roger's gonna leave you?"
Her eyes widened. "You heard—you were awake?"
"Well of course… honey, who do you take me for? My girl's hurting, of course I'm listening," Angel told her and squeezed her hand."And for your information, Collins and I have unfinished business with each other, that's why it's so hard to deal with at the moment," he stuck his tongue out at her, trying to lift Mimi's spirits even just a little.
"It's cool," she assured him. "Forget it. No big deal… it's just what happened with you two kinda affected us too… and if you and Collins were considered the perfect couple, and this happened… what chance is there for me and Roger?"
Angel pushed the button next to his bed, which raised the bed so he could sit up a little more.
"You and Roger are way different from us… you and Roger had your problems, and you both came through them in the end… Collins and me, well… I guess we just learned that nothings perfect," he paused. "But hey, he comes pretty damn close…"
Mimi gave a soft laugh. That's their Angel, alright. "So… you two are getting back together? Even after what he did… you still can love him again?"
"I don't think I ever did… or could… stop loving him. But I don't know if I can trust him. I know things seem real crappy at the moment, Mimi… but things will come good, I promise."
She shook her head.
"I thought I was supposed to be comforting you, or something," she smiled, sarcastically. Mimi hesitated and debated with herself as to whether she should ask this next question…
"Angel?"
"Yup?"
"Why aren't you depressed? Scared? Why aren't you telling people who attacked you… you do know, right?"
Angel could feel the lump growing in his throat, and he had to swallow it to keep thinking clearly… he didn't really want to think about it. Upon waking for the first time, all he could think about was what happened with Samuel, and the tears were of fear and of regret and of pain. He wanted to scream Samuel's name from the rooftops and felt like he would never recover. But for some reason, all that disappeared the moment he saw Collins sleeping next to him – and it dawned on him that his ex lover was not going to leave him again. Since then, he had forgotten about how and why he was in the hospital, and just focused on who was with him… maybe that was a mistake, but it wasn't until Mimi just brought it up that 'how' and 'why' he was there, came to the forefront of his mind. His face fell, and Mimi saw a bit of fear take a hold of him and he tensed up.
"Ang, I'm sorry—"
"I don't know who did it," he quickly told her and his hands began to shake… he felt tears threatening to escape his eyes, and his lips quivered. A sudden rushed desire to have Collins back with him came to him, and he tried to hold himself together…
By Angel's logic, if he told her that it was Collins' ex boyfriend that attacked and raped him, she'd tell Collins… it would make things worse, and Collins would hunt down Samuel and do something that would probably end up giving him a life sentence. Not that he wouldn't try to do it anyway, but Angel just wanted to forget it… forget that night, forget the pain… remembering it was more painful than the physical brutality of the crime itself. He couldn't tell them it was Samuel, out of being scared that Samuel might come back and hurt one or more of them… and there was that continued risk to him self if he talked, too. Even if he hadn't known his attacker, he's probably still be reluctant to identify him, but because this was someone who had once had the heart of the man he loved – this was personal. And personal usually meant that the person who did the attacking wouldn't be scared to try again until he achieved his goal.
"It hurt, Mims," he started to cry and covered his mouth to try and muffle the sounds of his sobs, and Mimi sat on the bed in nearly the same spot that Collins had been sitting in only minutes earlier. It broke her heart to have made him this upset (and he had every right to be!), but these questions were gonna come up sooner or later, and Angel wouldn't be able to run from them forever.
"The pain won't go away and I'm gonna have these ugly-ass scars to prove it! To remind me!" he sobbed more openly now.
Shit, Mimi thought and inside, she was panicking. Making an ICU patient cry uncontrollably was probably not the best thing to do… what, with the stress and all that…
"It was… fuck!" Angel cried and closed his eyes tightly as he remembered, vividly, some of what happened to him. The punches. When he was thrown up against the wall. The knife against his throat. Samuel kissing him. The disgust he felt.
"I…" he stammered and gripped Mimi's arm, and he looked up at her. The moment their eyes met, Mimi felt her heart wrench… so much pain was in Angel's eyes, and she had the gut feeling that he was hiding something that he desperately wanted to tell her. She got the feeling that he knew who attacked him… but she didn't dare push him any further. Tears now stained his face and he was coming close to breaking into hysterics. Feeling overwhelmed, Mimi didn't know what to do…
"What, babe? What is it?" she pressed, carefully.
Angel's beautiful brown eyes sparkled under the light, which was reflected off his tears. He looked so innocent, and now… so defeated."I didn't tell him I have AIDS… I didn't tell him… he did his thing, and he had no idea…"
"Well… does it matter? I mean… doesn't he have it coming?"
"I—I tried, Mimi! I tried! I can't do that to people; no one deserves to have this running through their veins—"
"Angel, he fucking raped you!"
"I know!" Angel replied, his voice cracking. "So why do I feel like shit? Why do I feel guilty?"
It was a genuine question that was tinted with confusion, but Mimi probably wasn't the best person to be asking these kinds of things.
"Oh God," he continued in a whisper and looked up at the ceiling. "I was so scared… so scared… I thought I was gonna die. I wanted to die. And all I wanted was to see Collins once last time, to tell him that I love him… and you guys… and all that stuff they say about family and friends and your life flashing before your eyes before you die is complete bullshit! All I could think about was that knife, the next blow… death!" Angel realized he had come close to revealing Samuel's name, but had caught himself just in time.
"Death… I wanted it to come! I was silently begging for God to let me die there and then! All I wanted to do was die! And waking up, for a split second before I saw Collins sleeping there," his eyes quickly gestured, to her, where Collins had been sitting earlier that evening.
"I still just wanted to die! I laid here, with my eyes closed, just praying for Him to take me now and let the pain die! And then I woke up and saw Collins… Collins saved me! He still loves me, and he wouldn't leave me! And he made me forget… and I felt the love again, Mimi!" the emotional turmoil was now leaving his system, saying things he wouldn't dare say to Collins just yet. Not until he Angel was well enough so they could have a serious talk."And I just want to forget now…"
Mimi listened to his pained words that dug into her heart… there was still something else he wasn't telling her… like who had attacked him…, and she wanted to ask him about it, but ultimately decided not to. She just held his hand as he continued to talk.
"I was so scared… and it's been so hard to think about forgiving Collins… but now, I can't help it, you know? I love him too much to let him go, and Mims, if you could've seen the love in his eyes… we fell in love all over again, I know it! I could feel it in my bones…" he finally looked in her eyes again."I love you, Mims… you know that, right?"
"Of course, Ang!" Mimi told him, speaking in a tone that resonated her disbelief in him actually asking that question."We all love you!"
"I just… I need time, is all…"
"Time for what?"
Angel shook his head and looked out the window into the darkness. "To find me again."
MEANWHILE, WITH COLLINS JUST OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL
He stood outside, in the fairly innocuous area just behind the main wall to the entrance, where he could just rest against the wall and think for a while. He wished he had a cigarette or something that could just calm his nerves. He got the same feeling Mimi was getting, which was that Angel was purposefully distracting him self from having to face the reality of what happened, not because it happened, but because he knew who did it. That was the only thing Collins couldn't work out, because Angel was never one to steer away from justice and always was one to pursue the right thing and preach to others about doing the right thing for themselves, and each other, because rarely did anyone from the outside understand them and didn't judge them. But now Collins couldn't shake the nagging voice in the back of his head that was telling him that Angel knew something that he wasn't willing to share, at least with him… Angel had always been keen to make sure his lover was happy and not worrying about him and his health. Now, he had no choice.
"Maybe one of the other's can talk sense into him," he muttered to himself. The only reason he said it aloud was because maybe it could help him convince him self of his own words.
There was something about New York air that gave him an overwhelming sense of belonging that he couldn't find in Massachusetts, no matter how good he was at his job or how popular he was with his students. It was that thought that suddenly made him remember the role Julia played in all of this… maybe this was her fault. If she hadn't stopped the car and forced him to go in the club to find Angel, maybe this never would've happened… Angel wouldn't be destroyed as he was.
He kicked the dirt with his shoe and pouted his lips in a state of thoughtfulness and pondered his next move.
"Thinking hard?"
He lifted his head and froze at who he saw walking towards him from across the parking lot. Samuel Michaels. It had been more than two years since he had felt anything remotely towards the man, but only months ago did they have their last rendezvous at the club. The sight of him now, and looking as cheerful as he was, sickened Collins to his gut. Samuel had never gotten over their breakup, and had knowingly taken advantage of him during one of his most vulnerable times, and was willing to destroy him for it. What sick games he was playing now, it wouldn't fly with Collins now. No way.
He didn't realize though… or at least, he couldn't see it at the moment, and make the connection as to Samuel's sudden re-emergence just as Angel, whom he hated with a passion, was hospitalized from being assaulted and rape. Needless to say, Samuel's sick sexual appetite served to punish as well as pleasure… it didn't matter to him, as long as he got his desires and his perceived justifiable desires and needs. And so he punished Angel almost to death, though expected not for him to live, in which he regretted that decision to not finish him off. Never before had he held the desire to kill a man, and wasn't sure of himself as he brought the knife down to pierce Angel's dark, yet smooth, skin. But he did what he had to do for what he felt was self preservation and to get what he thought he deserved.
Collins felt the anger rising in him and he curled his hand into a fist, preparing to take the son of a bitch out if given just the slightest reason to do so.
"Samuel," he growled, and stood up straight, all his muscles tensing. "What the fuck are you doing here?"
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The confrontation between Collins and Samuel continues. Roger finds out who attacked Angel. Samuel realizes he has probably contracted AIDS and seeks revenge again against Angel. Julia returns to New York.
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