Title: Unsaid
Author: Lilya
Genre: Angst/Drama
Summary: Follows "The Replacement" I'd advise you to read that first. Peter regrets the words he told Susan – and also some he didn't tell.
Main characters: Susan Pevensie, Peter Pevensie.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I own the plot and Anne. All the rest is C. S. Lewis.
Author's notes:
1) English is not my native tongue. If you find any mistake – which I'm sure you will – please correct me.
2) I never read the book – I only saw the movie. I discovered some things through other authors' fan fictions, but this is basically speculation.
3) This is NOT a Peter/Susan!
4) I changed the Pevensie's ages a bit – Peter is four years older then Susan, while she's three years older than Edmund.
Unsaid
It was one of those nights when King Peter couldn't sleep.
Memories wouldn't let him sleep – sometimes turning into haunting dreams whenever his eyes closed and sweet oblivion overtook him.
He wasn't allowed to forget – he wouldn't allow himself to forget. He couldn't rectify his past action, he couldn't beg for forgiveness to the only person who could grant him peace for she wasn't there.
By day, her name was never mentioned and even if it had been, he would have stated the old truth: she had abandoned them and there was nothing else to say.
But at night, sometimes, the memory of her would come back, gliding over the floors like a ghost.
Peter would then think back to another time and another world, to when he was still a child.
He would think about his sister – but not Anne. He often thought about her even in broad daylight. He didn't need darkness or solitude to indulge in the few memories he still held of her.
In those night where he could not sleep, King Peter would think about his other sister - Susan the Gentle, the unbeliever.
Peter couldn't really remember ever getting along with Susan. She was just – there.
There for him to unwillingly watch over when they where little and there to help him watch over the little ones when they got older.
Sometimes, King Peter simply sat in an armchair in front of the fireplace and let memories wash over him.
Behind closed eyelids, he would see only Susan.
Seven-year-old Susan grinning widely, not caring that she was missing three teeth. Twelve-year-old Susan helping Edmund tidy up his room.
Nine-year-old Susan bedridden with chickenpox. Five-year-old Susan learning how to swim.
Twenty-year-old Susan fussing over her hair before going to one of those stupid party she so liked. Six-year-old Susan carefully adding her own signature at the bottom of a letter for Santa in big, crooked letters.
Sixteen-year-old Susan singing along to the radio. Ten-year-old Susan helping Lucy tie up her shoes.
Peter never though about their fights over Narnia – he and the others had though and talked about them too many times already.
One of the few fond memory he had truly shared with her was a Christmas party when they had played "Jingle Bells" at the piano together – Peter could still remember Susan swinging her legs back and forth on a stool way too high for her. He could remember their hands running up and down the keyboard like in a game of tag. Tiny arms brushing against each other from time to time, proud glances and big smiles as the grown-ups applauded.
Another memory flashed in his mind.
------Flashback------
A grave atmosphere weighted down on the house after another futile fight. The very air they breathed felt thick and heavy.
Lucy had locked herself in her room again, Edmund was sitting at the kitchen table, scowling over and innocent cup of tea.
Peter didn't know where Susan was, but he didn't care – he was heading to the sitting room to collect a book. Halfway down the stairs, music started echoing in the house.
Susan was in the sitting room, playing the old piano.
Peter stopped and almost turned back to his room – he could always get the book later. Eventually, he decided he would take it now. His sister didn't scare him and it was really stupid walking on eggshells only because of Miss Logic. He climbed down and entered the room without further hesitation.
Susan was indeed sitting at the piano, her fingers expertly dancing on the keyboard. She didn't even raise her gaze.
Peter strode over the sofa and retrieved his book, but then he paused. Susan was quietly singing an old ballad – her voice so low that the music completely covered it. However, now that he was in the same room with her, he could hear it clearly.
"I dreamt that I dwelt in marble halls
With vassals and serfs at my sideAnd of all who assembled within those walls
That I was the hope and pride."
He clenched his fists, thinking she had started singing that song to mock them. But then, he turned to look at his sister's face: Susan looked tired and worn, the dark shadows under her eyes standing out on her pale skin.
"I had riches too great to count, could boast
Of a high ancestral name,
But I also dreamt, which pleased me most,
That you loved me still the same."
The last note was covered by the sound of the sitting room door clicking shut.
------End Flashback----
In his palace, Peter buried his face in his hands. Still, he couldn't disperse the image or the sound.
Susan was looking up at him, black hair tied in two braids. He couldn't remember how old she was – probably about the same age of Anne when she died. Her blue eyes were filled with hope and trepidation and her small mouth was hesitantly forming a question.
Then, Susan was standing on the doorway, wearing her most beautiful party dress. Despite all the makeup and the red lipstick, something about her made her look like a little girl again. Her eyes, although shadowed with eyeliner, were full of fear and her voice had a slight tremor as she asked the same question again.
"Do you love me, Peter?"
He didn't say no – but he didn't say yes, either.
Why, he could never say.
For anger?
For spite?
Peter didn't know.
He only knew he regretted not doing so – because, maybe, things would have turned out differently. He couldn't be certain of that, but still…
What was indeed certain was that he had let his sister down, he had failed Susan.
No one else knew he felt so, not even his siblings. The others would have tried to talk him out of that, they would have told him that leaving her behind had been the right thing to do. That she had chosen her own path.
He didn't want to hear that. Not anymore.
How could he not regret?
In the heat of their fights, he had shouted at Susan that he hated her – many times through the years, even before their adventure in Narnia began. The worst thing that could ever happen, the most cruel thing he could ever say. And he had never emended it.
Peter hadn't realized it before – but he loved Susan. He still did.
But now it was too late and he had missed all his chances.
Now, he could never tell her.
I really don't like how it came out in the end - probably because I hadn't planned to write a sequel to The Replacement.But thenIwas bit by a plotbunny and a couple of reviewers encouraged it - and that's the result.
Istill don't like it, but it was the best I could do.
Please tell me what you think.