DESTROYED

Chapter 8

SUMMARY: In this chapter – Roger talks to Angel and tries to convince him to tell Collins the truth. And how will Collins react?

Angel's eyes could not hide the guilt of not initially reporting who had attacked him… and he could see that Roger was pissed off. He was actually surprised, because he didn't know too much about the history of Samuel with the group – only Collins. It must've been bad if he got such a negative reaction from the usually cool Roger Davis… the anger he expressed… wow. Now, it was just after 3:00 AM and Collins still hadn't returned. Roger told him that Collins had called about two hours earlier, when he was asleep, to tell him that he'd be a little while longer – that he needed a bit more time to himself, and so Roger offered to stay with Angel until he got back, earning the gratitude from his friend.

Angel had woken up with a nurse came in to change the IV bags and administer more medication, and he had awoken to see Roger's accusing, pissed off glare directed at him, and he knew that something had happened. Roger then spent the next half an hour not caring about what time it was, or that Angel was still in a fairly delicate condition – physically and with his psyche, too – and told him everything he found out from Angel's sleep talk. His ranting and ravings about what Samuel had done to Collins gave the younger man a clearer picture of what happened, and why he was attacked… Sam never got over losing Collins, and blamed Angel for not being able to get back with him. Roger gave him a clear and concise, detailed account of the shit Sam had been pulling behind his boyfriend's back, including drug dealing, gun running, and generally was the definition of pure evil to some people – Samuel didn't give a damn about anyone, including selling guns and drugs to kids… but the one think he did care about was Collins, and would do anything to protect and defend their relationship. Rumor has it that he even killed someone in defense of his sexuality and the lifestyle he lived, but of course, Collins was blind to it all. The thing was… Collins is a gay, black college professor who happens to have AIDS. Samuel, is a white, former high school teacher who just happens to be gay, he didn't know what it meant to have to really understand ones sexual identity to be able to really handle the ridicule and dirty, anti-homosexual looks that many gay people had to endure – he never handled that kind of pressure before, and so he snapped on more than one occasion. For Collins, it was more than a lifestyle to be gay and have AIDS, it was his life… for Samuel, it was more like a habit. An addiction. Samuel convinced himself he was in love with Collins so that he thought he could be loved by at least one person in this world…

When Roger finished explaining the history of this Samuel Michaels, whom Angel only recognized as being a distant, ex-lover of his boyfriend, who had lured him into the club to have sex, it left Angel with a bitter sense of reality. He guessed Collins never told him all of this for his own reasons, and he wasn't angry about that. Never did he imagine the potential ramifications of keeping quiet about this, and he knew immediately that Collins would have to know – there was no way he could keep this secret. Roger regretted having to lay this all on him in his condition, but things had gone beyond him now… Samuel had tried to kill Angel not because he wanted him out of the picture, or that Sam wanted back in to Collins' life, but because he wanted him to suffer.

"You gotta tell him, Ang." Roger leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. "You can't keep this from him."

"I—" he stammered. "I can't… we both know what that'd do to him!"

"Fucking hell, Angel!" he hissed. "Samuel's a psycho! He's nuts! He really doesn't give a damn about anyone… I'm not sure he has the balls to go through with killing someone, but he damn near did with you!"

"And what happens when he finds out?"

"And what happens when he finds out you have AIDS? Samuel's not stupid… he does know people… he will find out and he'll know it's from you."

Angel started to shiver and suddenly, for some reason, began to feel cold… this wasn't fair. If he told Collins, things would be bad. If he didn't, things would be just as bad and could possibly grow worse. There was no avoiding the truth anymore, which was really the reason they were in this situation to begin with. Roger paced back and forth in front of the bed, trying to think of what to do – well he knew what he'd like to do to that Samuel, but from a more constructive point of view, he was wondering if he should tell Mark. He and Mark had been the ones to open Collins' eyes to who Sam really was in the beginning and so it would be unfair to suggest that it was none of their business, and now that these new revelations have come to light… it was only a matter of time before this shit hit the fan. Things were gonna get ugly.

Angel was shaking, scared and not wanting to be left alone – some part of him was relieved that someone else now knew the truth. His eyes were wide and very jumpy; his skin was cold to touch and he was shivering very badly, so Roger sat beside him and tried his best to comfort him.

"What did he say?" he asked gently.

Angel started sobbing hysterically and buried his face in his hands… he barely could remember the exact words Samuel had told him, but he knew what the general basis of it was. And it terrified him. Roger could see in his eyes… so dark and frightened, becoming bloodshot and puffy from crying so much and being so terrified, with the feeling that there were worse things to come. Roger was right, Samuel didn't know about him having AIDS, and now the probability that he, too, had it, was something that horrified him… but then again, he wouldn't necessarily know for a while – AIDS rarely exhibited symptoms until the condition was much further down the road.

Gently, Roger gave his ailing friend a hug. "I'm sorry, Ang. I'm here…"

"Where the fuck is Collins?" Angel cried like a lost, little child. "I need him…"

"He'll be here soon, he told me…" Roger assured him, patting his back. "Ang, I gotta know what happened—"

"And you think I don't!" Angel told him, angrily. "I can't remember what he said, Roger! I can't! All I remember is being thrown against the wall! All I remember is having my skirt pulled down! All I remember is that evil motherfucker threatening to kill me if I said anything!"

He cried in Roger's arms and his chest began to hurt as his lungs quickly contracted and relaxed against his broken and bruised ribs – but the pain was subsidiary to the fear in him. Angel's eyes were panicky and wild – the life was hidden once more.

"For the first time in my life, I just hated it! I hated life! I wanted death, I was welcoming it… it would've been a blessing, and—" he stopped and Roger gestured for him to continue.

"And, what?"

Angel gave him a defeated, and just plain sad look. "I still do…"

MEANWHILE, WITH COLLINS

Collins stepped out of the elevator on the ICU floor and started walking towards Angel's room – he had intended to come back earlier, but after what happened with Samuel, he needed space to clear his thoughts. He would always blame himself for doing what he did to Angel, but he would never forgive Samuel – he couldn't stand to breathe the same air as him. All Sammy was, to him, was junkie pimp who likes to pretend he's the big man of the streets, when he's really not… Collins couldn't believe what he ever saw in the bastard anyway, and was just now looking forward to putting it all behind him and getting on to sort things out with his Angel… and the first order of business for him was to go into Angel's room, and just stay there… the moment he his Angel wakes up, he'd kiss him and tell him how much he loves him – and then he would tell him the truth about Samuel, not knowing that Angel was already well acquainted with him. Needless to say, Collins would be in for the shock of his life, too.

He turned into the corridor which led directly to Angel's room. He wasn't happy, nor in distress… but he was just focused on making things right and making sure that things would be right between him and the rest of the group, for good. Collins was actually proud of himself for not giving Samuel a beat down, and felt stronger because of it… but now, Angel was the only thing that occupied every corner of his mind.

The lights in the corridor were dim and the very sterile environment left nothing to the imagination, and it stood to reason why many of the group really did not feel comfortable in or around hospitals… they were somewhat untrustworthy to them.

Collins approached Angel's room and opened the door slowly, peering inside and saw Roger sitting on the bed comforting a distraught and slightly hysterical Angel. He rushed into the room and over to Angel's bedside.

"Angel!" he asked, sitting on the other side of his bed, and both Roger and Angel looked up, as if noticing that he had returned for the first time. Understandably confused, Collins couldn't understand what had actually happened in the time he was away, but knew that Angel was having bouts of anxiety and even panic attacks.

"Collins!" the young loved cried and held out his good arm to indicate that he wanted to feel the embrace from him, and Roger took the hint and helped him sit back up properly in the bed. Collins sat closer to him and gently let Angel move into his arms, without trying to hurt him.

"Collins…" Angel cried, and his tears were already starting to soak Collins' shirt… the truth was hurting worse than the physical pain… the truth could not be hidden by a nice shot of morphine or Demerol, so there was no hiding it from his boyfriend now.

"Wh… what happened?" Collins asked, more so to Roger than the crying Angel. Roger simply shrugged, sadly, and kept his mouth shut… this was something Collins needed to hear from Angel, but he wasn't going to leave them alone – not for fear of Angel's safety or that Collins would go nuts, but because they were both gonna need someone. Samuel had a negative impact on the lives of not just Collins, but his friends, too. So Roger, Mark, Benny, and Maureen would all be involved in what happened in one way or another. Seeing that he wasn't going to get a response from Roger, Collins looked at Angel who was still crying and he kissed his forehead lovingly.

"Baby? What happened? What's going on?"

Roger stood up and shoved his hands in his pockets, and stood their uncomfortably and then started walking towards the door.

"Roger!"

He turned around.

"Roger, what happened?" Collins' eyes darkened, hoping that Roger didn't do anything to set Angel off again (which, let's face it, he did).

"Roger!" It was too late for any of them to start playing games, and again, Roger just shook his head, sadly.

"Sorry, man," he replied with a small shrug. "I can't… I can't say it… you gotta here it from Angel…" Then, not waiting for a reply, he turned and quickly left the room and hoped that he was doing the right thing.

Inside the room, Collins continued to hold his crying Angel, and out of all the times Angel had lost control, it was never as bad as this – it was at the point where Collins was fearing he'd hurt himself, or exacerbate his injuries further. So, he moved to the side a bit and helped Angel lay back against the pillows, just so he could be a little more comfortable and then he leaned over him, stroking the side of his face.

"Angel, baby? What happened? Come on, it's okay… tell me…" he was getting more desperate and pleading, which could be heard in his voice – he just wanted to alleviate Angel's pain in anyway that he could. "Angel! Come on, please!"

Angel sobbed and he gripped at Collins shirt, weakly pulling at him to come closer, in which he gladly obliged.

"Baby, talk to me!" Collins felt his heart breaking at the sight of Angel's pain… it was obvious that he was so traumatized from what happened to him, and it was just starting to break through Angel's beautiful personality now. "Please!"

"I'm sorry!" Angel cried. "I'm so sorry, Tom…"

"Sorry? For what? Angel it wasn't your fault—"

"It is…" he sobbed and gripped Collins' arm like a vice to make sure he wouldn't move away… but Collins had no intention of doing that anyway. The most confusing part of this for Collins was that there seemed to be something hidden, something possibly dangerous that Angel was keeping secret – and they both knew that it was more dangerous not to say what was happening, and yet he still resisted in telling the truth. "I… I… was just scared! He said he'd kill me if I said anything, and I didn't want you to stress, and—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Collins interrupted and put his finger over Angel's lips to silence him, and partially laid down on the bed next to Angel, and made sure he wasn't restricting any of the machines that Angel's life was currently hooked up to. It was the lack of honesty from him in the first place that had led to all these events taking place; and him foolishly thinking that things between him and Angel could go back to normal… when it was clear that he just made things worse, no thanks to Julia trying to boost his ego and convince him that Angel's life wouldn't be any better without him in it.

Angel blinked quickly to get the tears out of his eyes so he could see his lover better, and the concern on Collins' face only brought up more fresh tears. Why couldn't it have been easier just to let him go; why couldn't he stop loving him? Maybe God was punishing him… punishing him with love – the inability to eradicate the scent, the taste, the intensity of Collins' love from his own body and mind… even if Samuel hadn't beaten the living hell out of him, for that reason alone Angel felt like he was dying.

Collins kissed him and it set shivers down his spine – another reason why he couldn't hate him and get him out of his system – Collins kisses were like no other man's Angel had ever experienced before. The warmth. The love. The tenderness. Every aspect of Collins' beautiful personality was codified into each sweet, loving kiss that took his breath away… each time his soft lips touched his skin, Angel just felt that much more special. So in a way, it was a blessing and a curse. It was just not easy to not love him, think about him, and not have the desire to be with him… physically and spiritually… Angel had never been dependent on a man like he was with Collins – not to the point where he lost all self control and self respect, where he didn't know who he was anymore – but there was nothing he thought could be done to tear him away from Collins' side… and then Samuel came along and fucked everything up, not to mention Collins' ego. But still – even knowing who Sam was and what he had done in the past, and what had happened between Angel and his gorgeous anarchist boyfriend… it wasn't enough to kill the love and desire. Nope. Nothing.

Collins wouldn't move for the world… although one could say that he'd move the world for Angel, give him the world… but nothing could be said or done to make him leave that bed, and they were both grateful for it. Each moment that passed when Angel held him close, he felt as if each of those moments was one in which he was being forgiven… and for Angel, each moment Collins sat there with him, was a moment when he felt he could trust him again.

"Angel…" Collins rubbed his arm. "Baby, there's something up… something you remember from last night?"

Angel hesitated and wiped his eyes on the professor's shirt and then nodded and was finally able to look up at him.

"I know who did it."

"What!"

Angel nodded again and rested his hand Collins' chest. "I was so scared, that's why I didn't say anything, I know you'll be mad, and—"

"Angel, I'm beyond mad… I'll kill the son of a bitch myself," Collins insisted, his voice tainted with darkness.

"I—"

"Baby, no! No… that's why," he sobbed. "That's why I didn't say it before… every time I thought of him I thought I was gonna die all over again! I couldn't bear it if I lost you again… by you doing something stupid…" he paused and frowned. "Again."

He licked his lips and felt his mouth dry up, and so he started to reach over for the cup of water, but stopped when a surge of pain ripped through his shoulder and chest.

"Hey," Collins soothed and helped him lie down. "Don't move… don't move… here," he took the water and held out the straw for Angel, who gladly took it in his mouth and let the cool water into his body. Collis could see momentarily relief brighten up Angel's face even just for a split second… it made him look so much more beautiful.

"Better?"

Still drinking the water, Angel slowly nodded his head and then released the straw so he could breathe again, considering that his nose was taped up in bandages and plaster from having his head smashed against a wall, and against Samuel's fist.

"I'm okay," he whispered and leaned his head on the pillow and then turned it so he was directly looking at Collins. "I'm okay." He was also slightly calmer, though the prospect of having to tell him that it was his ex, psychopathic lover who had tried to kill him… he could only imagine what he would do.

"Angel, I need you to tell me who did this to you…" Collins reasoned. "You can't carry this by yourself. I need you to trust me…"

It was the first time the 'trust' word had been exchanged between since their reunion, and suddenly they found that silence had come between them, and Angel tensed up. This was the moment when he really had to decide if what happened between them, he could put behind and move on… as much as he loved him, this was the biggest test he had to face to date, and whatever decision he made – whatever he told him now, would inevitably determine how things would turn out. He sat up straight and reached up and gently touched Collins' cheek and wiped away a tear...

"I…" he began, his voice quivering. "I trust you, Tom."

It was a huge weight lifted off both of them, and in response, Collins leaned down and kissed him on the lips, just the way he used to. Butterflies were flying in Angel's stomach and he started to blush… he pulled away and let snaked his arm around Collins' neck and smiled.

"And I love you."

"I love you too, baby. I never stopped."

"Me either."

"That's why I need to know… I won't let you carry this by yourself…"

"I just… I don't want you to do anything stupid." Angel lowered his eyes, but Collins placed his finger under his chin and lifted his head so he could still see into them.

"Tell me."

Angel tried to drag it out as long as possible so that maybe Tom would see how much he felt he couldn't say it, even though he wanted to.

"Collins—"

"Now!"

Angel took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "It was… Samuel." He opened his left eye only a little, to get a glimpse of his lover's reaction, which he expected to be intense. He then opened them fully and Collins just sat there. He blinked once. Twice. Three times. No fireworks yet, but perhaps it was a delayed reaction as he had to absorb the information. A minute passed. Two minutes. Two and a half. Angel got up the courage to open his mouth.

"Collins… Tom?"

But surprisingly, the older man remained calm, and from what Angel could tell, not at all tense. His muscles were relaxed; his eyes were not enraged… and perhaps that was even more terrifying, and so finally he moved, and not in a way Angel inspected. Collins intertwined his fingers with Angel's and just sat there looking at him, inspecting every physical and emotional part that made up the beautiful young man that lay before him, recovering from what surely was the most terrifying experience of his life.

"Collins?" Angel pressed further. This was strange. "Samuel Michaels attacked me… Roger told me all about him…"

Even as Angel told him that Roger knew about this before he did, Collins didn't scream… he didn't shout… he didn't threaten violence… there were even no tears in his eyes. Of course, he wanted to kill Samuel and tear his fucking head off… oh believe me, he was thinking up things he'd like to do to his ex. As strange has his reaction, or rather lack of it, was he just couldn't bring himself to let loose, not in front of Angel. And he knew that his calm demeanor was sure to frighten him further, but that was Collins' concern right now… he was simply wrapped up in the beauty of Angel, and his fighting spirit, his will to live. They say love conquers all? Well that statement, even though it's so cliché, never rang so true in his heart, and any visceral hatred he was feeling and wanting to vent out for the world to hear… none of it was worth it when compared to being given the option, the chance of just being with Angel in this capacity once more.

"I heard you the first time, baby," Collins finally spoke and squeezed his hand. "Thanks for telling me."

"You—" Angel stuttered. "You're not—"

"I'm furious. I wanna kill him. I'm gonna kill him," Collins chuckled bitterly, lowering his eyes to his hands. He was speaking in an eerily calm tone. "I'll rip his heart out with my teeth if I could… I, uh… I saw him today."

"What? Where?"

"Angel, it doesn't matter—"

"It matters to me!" Angel insisted, pleadingly. "Please!"

Collins sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. "Outside. When I went out to get air, he came up to me… son of a bitch told me he was visiting a friend here… if only I knew…" guilt was something that never left him, but now he felt guilty for an entirely different reason.

"How could I have not seen it?" he wondered aloud and looked at Angel with tears in his eyes. "How could I've been so fucking blind not to know what he was talking about? To put it together…?"

"What did you do?"

"Nothing. I wanted to kill him there and then. But I couldn't, I just… walked away…"

Angel managed to pull him self to sit up straight, while carefully minding his broke ribs. The knife wounds he had sustained had not penetrated any vital organs, or in fact gone very deep so he was rarely troubled by it – topped off with all the medication he was on. He then leaned his head on Collins shoulder, with his arm still around his neck, allowing his boyfriend to put his arms around his slim waist and kiss his neck.

"I'm proud of you, baby," Angel whispered in his ear. He doubt he would've had the courage to just walk away from someone as evil as Samuel.

"Ang," it was not Collins' turn to be comforted. "I… can't forgive myself for what I did to you… if it weren't for me… you wouldn't have to live with this! Live with my mistakes! You don't deserve this because of me…"

"Stop," Angel told him. "Don't start. Don't start that, honey. Because if you cry, I'll cry again, and to be honest, I'm looking like hell as it is. Show me a mirror and it'll crack with my reflection. See? As if I don't have enough of this emotional shit to deal with!" His small attempt to make him smile was lost, and didn't work, because it was all coming out now.

"I love you, Collins. I forgive you. I trust you."

"I will find him and kill him," the anger started to emerge in the form of tears and guilt. Samuel Michaels would pay with his life, should Collins, Roger, Mark, or any of them actually find him anytime soon. "I'll kill him, Ang… I will…"

Angel sat against his pillows and allowed Collins to rest his head on his chest, lightly, of course. Broken ribs take a long time to heal, and his chest was still very delicate despite the heavy bandages. He couldn't believe that Samuel actually had the nerve to come to the hospital to play psyche games with the man he claims he loves more than anything in the world. It was sick. Even for Angel's standards. The fact that Samuel had got in his face that day, and he hadn't been able to piece the very obvious clues together was what Collins felt most guilty about and it wasn't like he could just go out and fix these problems… it wasn't fair! "We'll get through it, I promise."

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I know I was supposed to put in Mark and Roger's part in this bit, but the Angel/Collins scenes carried out longer than I expected. In the next chapter, it'll be focused entirely on Roger with Mark and the girls and Benny, as well as Samuel finding out from someone other than the group that he's been exposed to AIDS by the drag queen he's been bragging about putting in the hospital. I've decided not to bring Julia back, for sakes of continuity and the fact I've decided not to make her a primary character.

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