Moments Contained In One Glance, a fastlane fanfic

Moments Contained In One Glance

By: DKM

Synopsis: People change. Sometimes for better; sometimes for worse. Has she?

Rating: PG

Author's Note: I love song fics… There are just so many things you can do with one song. I love exploring the options of ones that I get inspired by. Today, I was just feeling really depressed, so I decided this would be a good way to work out that horrible feeling. I know, I've used this song for another fic, but it just felt appropriate for some odd reason right here, right now.

Disclaimer: You know the drill by now… If I'm not making any money off it, you ain't got nothing to worry about. I give all credit to the Fastlane writers and McG, and to Darren Hayes for writing "Where You Want To Be."

Hey there stranger
Do you remember?
You were a part of my life
Early December
Think I remember?
Sentiment cuts like a knife
The seasons are changing
Life's rearranging
Full of could've dones
Would've beens
It's all your fault
And where have you been
And how time goes
And now I don't even know
How to fill in the spaces
Of the love you erased in my life

She stood there, the rain pounding against her poncho as she stared into the coffee shop window from beneath the yellow hood masking most of her face. A year had passed since she last saw him, the shocked and horrified look on his face as he stared down the barrel of his gun after the shot rang out, killing the red head almost instantly still floating back into her mind every once in a while. She'd run like a scared child, fleeing the scene of the crime as if she'd pulled the trigger herself. He had followed her through the train station, but she'd gotten on one of the box cars that was already departing the landing and was nearly halfway down the track before he emerged, breathless and beaten. The next look she saw in his eyes bordered hatred, but felt more like loss, a loss that she couldn't comprehend until today.

Cassidy Shaw sighed deeply, watching the man sitting in the plush purple velvet chair, his grey green eyes scanning the pages of an old issue of Motor Trend, his chestnut colored hair falling around his face just the way she remembered. She wanted to walk in there and push it back behind his ears just as she used to, before everything had happened between them, when the only things they knew about each other were their names, and sexual attraction brought them together. Money had been another factor, but for Cassidy, this one was different. He was the opposite of what she'd expected.

Van Ray, or Van Strummer as she knew him back then, was a completely different breed of man than Cassidy was used to. He'd been gentle, warm, comforting, and, most of all, caring towards her, unlike many of the other men she's gotten close to. He was the only one that had ever really given a shit about her, ever really thought she could change for the better. But she'd proved him wrong when she'd stolen that money from Reno Castell and ended up with a contract on her life. That day would remain forever etched in her mind, but not because she'd almost gotten killed, but because she felt as if she'd failed the only man that ever cared about her just by the look on his face.

Failure was something Cassidy had never really gotten used to. She always excelled at everything she did, be it getting into a house and stealing valuables, or finding a way out of a difficult situation. But with Van, it was different. He'd cared enough to let her go, but she ruined it by doing what she did best: stealing. She didn't really regret getting caught. It was bound to happen sooner or later, but by Van Ray? She thought the odds of that would be astronomical, but there he'd been, standing at the base of the mountain, ready to cuff her wrists. She hadn't noticed the disappointment on his face, thinking it was anger instead, but she knew better. She'd been denying it for so long, but now she was finally coming to terms with it.

For a moment, Cassidy thought she'd been spared when Van reverted back to his old, sex-crazed self in the bathroom of their hotel room, but it was short lived. Sure enough, it was back again when she got her last good glimpse of him at the train station. She'd wanted to cry as she watched him slink out of sight, defeated. The phone call she'd made to him when she reached Las Vegas wasn't any better, considering she could hear the disappointment in his voice instead of seeing it on his face, even though that image did pop into her mind as they talked for that brief period.

Why she called him again after nearly a year of being on the run was beyond her. All Cassidy knew was that she needed to talk to Van, and hopefully resolve some of the issues that plagued her life ever since that fateful day.

Are you where you want to be?
Did you get there easily?
Did they make you sacrifice?
Did you make a sharp left
When you should've turned right?
Are you where you want to be?
Did you sell off all of your gold?
Did you trade it in?
Did you wait for love?
Or settle for somebody to hold?

Van was getting impatient, Cassidy could see it by the way he kept looking up from his magazine and glancing around the coffee shop, especially when someone walked in or out. His head would shoot up and stare at the door, trying to recognize any of the faces that came in or out. He'd been on edge, she could tell. Something was bothering him. He wasn't the same carefree person he'd been the first time they'd met a year and a half ago. No, he'd wised up. He was jaded. And it was her fault, or at least that's what she believed. Another person tainted by her lust for money and power. Her head hung low for a moment as she contemplated walking into the coffee shop and having a conversation with him.

Although the thought was frightening, and the possibility that he'd called his boss and told her about the meet was pretty good, Cassidy mustered up all the courage she could and made her way to the door, pushing it open, the little bell on top chiming as she stepped into the warm coffee shop. She could feel Van's eyes immediately fall upon her and stare daggers towards her, but she remained strong, tossing her hood back and gently shaking off the excess water that remained on her poncho.

"Hi, Van," Cassidy barely mumbled as her crystal blue eyes met the grey green of his. She wanted to look away almost immediately, seeing the disdain that filled those beautiful orbs as they glared at her, the expression on his face never softening. She hated the way he was looking at her. It was reminiscent of the way all the other men treated her, the exact opposite of the Van she once knew.

"What do you want, Cassidy?" his voice sounded rough and cold, just like his eyes.

And barely symphonic
But strangely ironic
Moments contained in one glance
Oh how I adored you
But now I'm ignored by you
No evidence of romance
And now it's vaguely familiar
I think I remember sharing every single intimacy
It doesn't seem so strange to me that we barely entertained
Even the politest of phrases
But sometimes at night
I conjure you up in my mind

Cassidy stayed silent for a moment, her eyes flicking to the bottom of her bright yellow poncho as she grabbed the hem and pulled it up over he head, revealing another part of her life that was due to change very soon. Van's eyes grew wide, and that cold look they'd been harboring soon faded into one of amazement and disbelief as he stared at the large lump of her belly that had been hidden by the poncho. She took a seat beside him in another comfortable purple velvet chair, kicking her swollen feet out in front of her. Keeping her eyes averted, she placed her hands on top of her abdomen, crossing her fingers, her half karat diamond engagement ring glittering in the soft light.

Van was beyond stunned. Judging by the fact that he'd somehow managed to remain mute for the last couple of minutes gave Cassidy the impression that he was speechless for the first time she'd ever seen him. The thought alone made her smile, remembering how much Van loved to talk, no matter what about. That was one of the things she missed about him. But she'd learned to get over it, unlike many of the other things that still followed her around even now that she'd found someone else.

Finally snapping out of his stupor, Van asked, "Who…? When…?" He was still trying to find the right words to express everything that had suddenly hit him.

Cassidy looked up at him to find his expression was still one of bewilderment and disbelief. She wanted to smile, but part of her was torn up inside having to explain this to him, especially since she saw a hint of jealousy and pain in those grey green eyes. Taking a deep breath, she said, "Keith Johnson, eight months ago."

"Oh," was all Van could say as he looked away from her, his mind elsewhere. He sighed deeply, running his hand through his chestnut colored hair before gazing back in her direction, but not into her eyes.

Cassidy felt a pang of guilt run through her body. She swallowed it back and added, "We're getting married after the baby is born."

"That's not why you're here," Van quickly pointed out as he leaned forward in his chair and finally looked her in the eyes. That look of disappointment returned to those grey green orbs as he continued, "Why are you here, Cassidy?"

"First off, it's not Cassidy anymore," she replied. "It's Casey. I changed my name. And the real reason why I called you was because I needed to talk to you about what happened."

"Why now?" Van questioned, his voice beginning to sound irritated, his eyes darkening with unspoken anger. "Did you finally grow a conscience?"

His words cut her deep, but she felt as if she deserved it. After all, she's broken his heart and jaded him. It was her fault that he was angry, her fault that he didn't trust her. Cassidy looked down at her fingernails, her eyes rimming with tears that she refused to shed while he was around. She didn't want Van to see her as any less of a person, especially right now when all she wanted was for him to understand and accept what she was getting ready to tell him.

But he'd seen the tears, and immediately went to retract his words. "I'm sorry, Cass… I mean Casey. I just didn't think there was much left to talk about after our last conversation," Van said, remaining cool and collected even though his words were just as harsh as his eyes.

"Don't apologize for anything you say to me. I deserve it. If anything, I owe you an apology… for a lot of things," Cassidy softly replied, her head dropping to stare at her distended belly.

While I was busy
Perfecting the art
Of deflecting compliments
I took it too far
And I let a ripple run right through my heart
Of battle stations we're building
You and I just grew apart
We grew apart

"I thought you already apologized for all those things," Van said. She could see he was trying not to be such a hard ass, and was somewhat succeeding. His voice had softened and his eyes didn't look so harsh anymore as he stared at her.

"That's not what I'm talking about," Cassidy answered, looking up at him to see the softness in his grey green eyes. It gave her the courage to say, "I wanted to apologize for failing you the first time around."

His expression quickly turned into puzzlement as he tried to comprehend what she was saying. Van asked, "Failing me? How did you fail me?"

"I let my life slip off track," she said. The tears were beginning to well in her eyes again as her head dropped, her chin landing against the top of her chest. Her head came up sharply to look him straight in the eye. "I told you I was going to change. I told you I was going to be somebody different, and I failed. For the first time in my life, I failed. And not only did I fail myself, but I failed you. I saw that look on your face when you arrested me on the mountain. You were disappointed in me. I just wanted to tell you I was sorry for disappointing you and that if there was ever another chance for us, I'd make sure not to disappoint you again." Two tears slipped down her cheek, which she wiped away quickly with the back of her hands.

While I decided
To make everyone else happy
I just put aside
My foolish pride
I guess I denied
My own desire
I was too busy pleasing
To ever be pleased
I forgot how to breathe
Or question anything
Or ask why?
Am I?

Van got off of his chair and kneeled down beside her as his fingers ran over her tear stained cheeks, wiping away any remnants she might have left behind. They slowly slipped behind her ear to gently hold up her face. Cassidy couldn't stop the sobs that wracked her body. She knew it had something to do with the hormones floating around in her system. In most situations, she'd usually be cool and collected, but not today. No, there were definitely emotions involved today, emotions she's waited so long to feel again.

As she looked into Van's soft, grey green eyes, Cassidy could see the caring and love returning. This was the man she remembered. And as his thumb began to trace lazy circles over her cheek, she could feel a smile coming across her lips. "It wasn't disappointment," he finally said. "It was… It was… I don't know what it was, but don't ever think it was disappointment. So what if you made a few mistakes and bad judgment calls. You have changed, haven't you? I mean, with a baby on the way and a fiancé, I would hope so."

Cassidy nodded, still unable to speak, fearing her voice would crack as she talked. Clearing her throat from the lump that had formed there, she replied, "I've changed. That's another reason I wanted to talk to you." Van sat back on his heels, his hands running down her cheeks and finding hers. They locked fingers as she continued. "Keith was the reason I changed. He's one of the nice guys, like you. He's the only other man that's ever treated me with any kind of respect, especially coming from where I came from." She paused for a moment, undecided about whether she should tell Van what she'd been doing with her life ever since she managed to slip through the fingers of law enforcement for the second time.

"What?" Van's voice came in almost a whisper as he squeezed her hands, encouraging her to say more.

"I became a stripper in Vegas," Cassidy looked away, fearing what she'd see in his eyes. But after turning to face him again, his expression hadn't changed, giving her the courage to continue. "But that's not how we met. Stripping was a night thing. My day job was waitressing at the Palms. I accidentally spilled a drink on him and he refused to let me pay for it. He also refused to let me get fired. And after that, I knew that he'd be a regular at the lounge, until he left, which wasn't as quickly as I'd expected. He stayed for a few weeks then headed back to Chicago, where he was some big guy in construction. During that time, he must have asked me out ten times, and each time I told him no, maybe next time, until I couldn't stand it any more and I just gave in. He took me out for an amazing dinner at this outrageously expensive restaurant then took me to this little gazebo and paid some guy to play the violin while we danced under the stars. I think that's the moment I fell in love with him.

"It wasn't long after that when Keith told me he was going back to Chicago. Of course, I thought he was going to break my heart, but he did something so unexpected that I was rendered speechless. He bought me a one way ticket out there and asked me if I would move in with him. Of course I thought he had gone crazy or something, but no, he was actually just in love with me as I was with him. So I said yes, and the next morning I was in Chicago, moving into his Oak Park mansion. To tell you the truth, I never really thought anything this good could ever happen to me again. I thought all that ended when I saw you last, but if life has taught me anything, it's to keep your chin up. Things happen for a reason."

Van smiled at her even though the look in his grey green eyes told her otherwise. Cassidy could see the sadness and the loss that she'd seen at the train station. "I'm happy for you," he said with almost no conviction as he began to stand up again.

"Van," Cassidy almost begged as she grabbed his hand. He spun around to look at her. "Please. I'm not done yet. There's still one more thing I need to say."

He sighed deeply, running his free hand through his shaggy chestnut hair. "What, Cass?"

Am I where I want to be?
Did I get here easily?
Did I make a sacrifice?
Did I take a sharp left
When I should've turned right?
Am I where I want to be?
Can I sell of all of my gold?
Can I trade it in?
Will I wait for Love?
Or settle for somebody to hold?
I'd settle for somebody to hold now

"I know how you feel now, about loving more than one person at the same time," she answered. "I know Keith is the one, but you still hold a place in my heart, and you won't let go, no matter how hard I try to push you away. I just wanted to see you and let you know that before I moved on and started my life over, far away from the problems I used to have. And I wanted to thank you for believing in me, because I don't think I could ever have gotten as far as I have without you." She stood up and wrapped her arms around his neck for a tight hug.

Van chuckled, "Yeah, and some pretty damn good luck."

Cassidy continued to hold him as she replied, "I hope it's not going to run out now."

"It won't," he assured her. "I didn't call Billie."

She pulled away and looked at him for a few moments. "You're a good man, Van. One day, you'll make some girl very happy," Cassidy replied, leaning into him and placing a soft kiss on his cheek. She ran her hand through his hair and smiled as she said, "Goodbye, Van." With that, she grabbed her poncho and pulled it over her head.

As Cassidy stepped towards the door, she could hear Van softy whisper, "Goodbye, Cassidy." And that was it. She had closed yet another chapter in her life.

You know that I've been up and I've been down
I've been picked up and spun around
I'd do it all again
If I could just have somebody to hold now
I just need somebody to hold me now
Could somebody hold me now?
I just want somebody to hold me now
I'd do it all again

FIN!