Disclaimer: These characters belong to JKR. I'm just playing with them, and their world.
Author's Note: Originally intended as gift fic. Excuse the angst... actually, don't, 'cause that's really all this fic is. Phooey.
o.o.o.o
In school, James and Sirius gave birthday presents like a religion.
A secret, sacred religion. Just between the two of them. Twice a year without fail, and they'd have little parties. Late at night in unused classrooms. Just the two of them. Laughing and goofing and, later, boozing. Twice a year, without fail.
Birthday presents like a religion.
James started it, in first year. Sirius was unhappy; he'd received another Howler from his mother and was feeling out of place again. So James collected all the candy his mother sent him and dragged Sirius off to some corner of the castle until they were completely lost, shoved him through a random door, and given his favorite Quidditch book to the other boy. That was when he'd truly put on the honest-to-goodness Best Friend face that he was to wear for the rest of his life.
James's birthday, and Sirius wanted to give him just a hug, but he was too much of a boy and couldn't do that. So it was a poster and a joke and he thought James understood.
Second and third year were normal, almost, except for the way Sirius stared whenever he thought James wasn't looking. Except for the way Sirius coveted their special, sacred birthday moments alone. Ordinary boy-to-boy presents were exchanged, and neither thought anything at all of their occasional awkward moments.
Fourth year came and Sirius finally had a knowing of what it was he wanted to give James, and it scared him. He could never give that to James. Never. James would have had to want it, which he didn't...
In fifth year Sirius wanted to give James that, so badly that he almost forgot his own birthday. He controlled himself when James's came along, though, and didn't think James noticed. And he couldn't figure out why that made him so sad.
Sixth year, Sirius almost, almost gave James what he tried very hard not to think about. But James's timely mention of his Lily, the girl he fancied, stopped Sirius and left him cold.
There was no question, in seventh year, of giving James that something that Sirius wanted him to have. Absolutely no question of it. And though Sirius tried to convince himself that he didn't care, inside he was devastated.
After Hogwarts, the tradition died, and only James seemed to miss it; Sirius was pretending it had never existed, as punishment to himself.
Seven years, and Sirius never gave James what he wanted to.
Sirius could never give it to James. He held it back, because he knew it would ruin everything. Especially after Lily came into the picture. It was even harder then, knowing he'd lost what little chance he ever had.
He was just fooling himself, though. James would never have wanted it.
James never would have wanted it...
All those years, James held something back, too. James knew before Sirius did, what Sirius wanted to give him. James always knew. It felt right to James that Sirius should want that. Sometimes, James even thought he would have liked it, too. But he pretended he didn't, and Sirius never tried, so they never got it.
James and Sirius gave birthday presents like a religion.
Seven years, and Sirius never gave himself to James.