DESTROYED
Chapter 13
SUMMARY: Angel continues to tell Collins everything he remembers. Julia visits. Collins has a flashback to when he and Sam were together… and it ain't gonna be pretty.
WARNING: This scene's rating has gone up for an intimate scene. Nothing particularly graphic, but this is just a warning, again, if you feel uncomfortable with m/m love scenes.
"He pushed me to the ground…" Angel continued to explain, now calmer because he felt Collins strong arms around the back of his neck and rubbing his stomach, in a soothing motion. The massaging had a very calming effect and Collins did all he could to keep the almost-hysterical street drummer from going off the deep end… and it was hard, considering how close he, himself, was coming to losing it. The pain in Angel's voice echoed off the walls of the small room and reverberated in his ears, as if hitting him multiple times in the stomach with each word spoken. It was hard not to lose control and break down, but for Angel's sake, he did his best… only a single tear managed to escape his eyes and it silently dripped onto Angel's blanket. Resting comfortably next to his Angel, he was able to catch every word and every hint of pain and terror that soaked the graphic nature of what he was being told. Collins kissed the tips of Angel's fingers and his gentle expression comforted the traumatized, injured Angel into continuing… he had been right. He needed to say this now. And there was no other person he'd rather share his pain with.
"And… he…" he stopped again as his chest tightened from the grief and a rush of pain constricted his breathing and he gasped from the shock of the sudden pain that overcame him, and Collins sat up a little. Sobs were heard and Angel couldn't hold them back any longer… flowing down his face in rapid succession, like tiny rivers of pain… it was a crushing sight.
"It's okay, baby," Collins whispered, rubbing Angel's chest lightly. "Shh… take your time… breathe…"
"I just… he…" Angel's face grimaced from sheer terror and the physical toll on his body wasn't helping much, either. Finally, after a few moments of breathing deeply and trying to relax as much as he could so the pain could subside, and more of Collins' soft, soothing words, Angel was able to regain a little composure to finish saying what he had been attempting to say. "He… as he threw me down, he ripped my shirt, and…"
"Angel, stop… we can talk about this later; when you're feeling better! I don't wanna see you like this…"
"Then leave!" Angel snapped, unintentionally and using the back of his hand he wiped his cheek. Fuck… he thought when looking at the back of his hand. His make-up was totally smudged. Collins didn't move, and was unfazed by the sudden change in Angel's temperament – he couldn't fault him for it. "Either way, I'm talking… me… I'll tell anyone, but I gotta say it! And… I want it to be you. You said you'd listen! You said you wouldn't leave!"
"I won't," Collins cut him off. "I'm sorry, Ang, I am… I just worry that you're gonna hurt yourself more… I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, you can believe that."
"I'm sorry… it's so hard!" Angel sobbed, closing his eyes, and running his fingers down the front of Collins' shirt, and then lifted the shirt so he could feel the warm skin against his own. "He… he held the knife to my throat! And… I tried to run but I didn't get far and… he… after he threw me down, Sam put his hand on my thigh and started kissing me."
For Collins, the thought of his ex putting his filthy lips and slimy hands on Angel's beautiful body, forcing himself onto the vulnerable and petite drag queen. It was sickening. How he was able to maintain himself and not go running out of the room to hunt Sam down, whom he knew was still on the hospital premises, was beyond Angel's comprehension. But, simply put, it was love. And to those of us who are most familiar with their history together, their love for each other was deeper than any other… or at least, they had the most understanding between one another.
"I couldn't scream. I was scared. It hurt so bad… he straddled me. And he leaned down and said…" the words that Samuel had spoken were worse than the actual beating itself; worse than the rape. It was evil… haunting… and Sam knew it. He had carefully worded every sentence he wanted Angel to remember, and it was working…
"He said… 'I'll give you a taste, of what Tom and I once shared… and what you took away,' and I still said nothing. I just begged him to stop. He didn't laugh in my face or taunt me… he just wanted me to remember it, Collins!" Angel became more hysterical, and gripped at Collins' chest with more ferocity and was actually at the point where he accidentally scratched the professor's chest, causing him to stifle a cry of pain – he had bitten his lip to keep from yelling out. Angel opened his eyes when he heard Collins groan and felt the man move back slightly.
"Baby I'm so sorry!" he cried and attempted to sit up, but Collins held him down. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it I…" he couldn't finish his sentence as he became incoherent and let the tears take over, and as expected, his lover didn't turn away or back off.
"Shh, shh…" Collins comforted, and at the same time he silently winced at the intensity of the pain. Angel's nails had dug into him with an incredible force, so using his one free arm that wasn't comforting his grief-stricken lover; he managed to unbutton his shirt to the point where he could fully inspect the wound, and was surprised to see that Angel had actually managed to draw blood! Oh shit… he told himself and as Angel still cried and held onto him, Collins looked at the table to see if there was anything that could stop the blood as it trickled down his chest. The sticky red liquid of life quickly seeped through the wound and droplets fell onto Angel's sheets. Seeing a box of tissues there, Collins reached across and grabbed as many as he could and pressed them to his chest. Almost immediately, blood had soaked through the tissues and they stuck to his chest, and so forced him to look around for something better to mop up the blood with. It wasn't like it was flowing out of his chest, but there was enough of it to warrant the use of a towel, and so he grabbed it and held it to his chest with one hand, while rubbing the back of Angel's neck with his other hand.
"Collins, I'm sorry," Angel looked horrified when he finally noticed the damage he had caused, and wanted to help, so he reached up and pressed the towel to Collins chest. "I didn't mean it, honestly, I didn't, I—"
"Angel, you don't gotta apologise, baby, I got it," Collins removed his arm from around Angel and held the towel in place while taking Angel's and bringing it to his lips again. The kisses were sweet and tender, and in a weird sort of way… the scene was so symbolic: Collins kissing Angel's fingers while both their hands were covered in blood. Love beyond pain; love beyond death…
Barely calmed down, Angel watched what he was doing though did nothing to stop him, because there was nothing to stop. His chest rose and fell, exhaling and inhaling air with a sort of distorted, constricted feeling… Collins then looked up at him, with his dark brown eyes glistening."I'm not going anywhere. Never again."
"I didn't mean any of it, Tom," Angel looked him straight in they eyes and cupped his face in his hands. "What I yelled at you that night… I didn't, honest to God, I didn't… Sam then said something else. Something I can't forget, he burned it into my memory!"
"What is it, baby?"
"He said… he said… 'You will feel it for the rest of your fucked up life' and then he… he…" Angel couldn't even say the word as it pained him so much. Collins knew what he meant though and leaned closer to him, just so that his head touched Angel's… his warm breath caused the hairs on the back of Angel's neck to stand up.
"As he did it, all I could think about was you. Just you."
"Angel… you're the bravest person I've ever known," Collins gently told him in between kisses on his neck. "How you could…" his throat closed a bit and he swallowed the lump that was there. "How you could forgive me… and… and still get through that… and be Angel… I don't know how you do it!"
"That's just it! I don't know who I am anymore," Angel told him. There was a lot of innocence in that remark that encapsulated him in a somewhat naïve demeanor that was very charming and sweet, even when he didn't know he was doing it. Collins saw it in his eyes – behind the fear; the terror; the trauma… there was still love. Pure love. Angel's spirit had been buried deep, but it was not lost and it certainly was not dead…
"You're the beautiful Angel I fell in love with… who saved me on that Christmas Eve… from the cold. From myself. You're the Angel who single-handedly breathed life back into all of us and gave us faith in something beyond how and where we lived. That's who you are."
Collins' perfect, accurate description of who Angel was seemed to sum up the spirit of everything he stood for, and as he listened to the worlds, he couldn't help but think about what he had done wrong. Angel shook his head and watched Collins adjust the towel on his bare chest.
"I'm not perfect," the younger man whispered. "Tom, I'm not… I just… never believed people could be so evil, you know? I don't remember anything afterwards. He pushed me against the wall again, and I saw it! Pure evil. And then I knew… evil was taking over… no matter what I did… he raised the knife, and then… everything went blank." Angel licked his lips and stared up at the ceiling.
"And you are love, Angel…" Collins countered, lovingly, still placing kisses on his lover's neck. "And you lived… you survived… you won… so what does that tell you?" he smiled down at him, and Angel pondered his words. Then… he smiled back.
"You're sweet talkin' is getting better."
"I try."
"You don't have to… you succeed."
"We'll get through this. All of us."
"I know."
"And Ang?"
"Mmm?" Angel was momentarily lost in Collins' eyes. Mesmerised.
"You are perfect."
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
Collins sat on the empty bed next to Angel's, the one he had slept on earlier that day, and waited while Emily applied bandage tape to the scratch wounds after applying an antiseptic cream. She had entered the room about fifteen minutes earlier, and had seen the blood and demanded to know what happened – blood on the towel, bloody tissues, a little blood on the sheets, blood on Collins' chest, and Angel in tears… not a good situation to walk in on, and she initially thought Angel had gone nuts and attacked his lover, though saw that it wasn't possible. Angel was incapacitated to the point that he couldn't move around too much without causing more harm to himself, and so she patiently listened to Collins as he briefly explained what happened.
Angel watched the nurse tending to Collins' wounds, while thinking about what his words were… it was true… him surviving the attack was a triumph in itself. And Angel couldn't stop loving, no matter what happened to him… that was a part of him that couldn't die. It probably would've if Collins hadn't come back… but still, it was there.
"You okay, Angel?" Emily asked and picked up another piece of tape and pressed it against the wound.
"Need anything?"
"No I'm good."
Emily then directed her attention at Collins, who seemed perplexed at something. "Keep it light. We can't have him stressing out more; it's not good for him…"
"I know…"
"Angel's injuries could sustain further damage if he keeps getting upset."
"I know…"
"Okay, done. Don't touch it, and it you need anything you know where I am. Both of you," Emily finished and removed the rubber gloves and stared intently at Collins. "I mean it. No aggravation."
"I know!"
Emily took her cue to leave and gave a quick once-over of Angel's vitals, checking the operative condition of the heart monitor before she left the room, and then all was quite again. Angel stared at the bandages that were on Collins' chest, knowing that he caused it, but he didn't feel guilty for some reason… it was weird. He watched Collins slip is shirt back on and do the buttons back up and wondered how it was possible for them to go back to normal when everything seemed to be against them. Having told him of what he remembered from that night did lift a weight off his shoulders and maybe even is a step in fixing the trust issues he has with Collins; but with the probability of Sam running around the grounds trying to find them being as high as it was, Angel's dependency on his lover was going to be intense. And he wasn't sure whether he could let himself be dependent on Collins again at the risk of getting his heart torn to shreds.
He began to wonder where everyone else were, having the sudden desire to see them all and have them all here with him again. Roger and Mark were in the hospital; Mimi and Maureen were at the loft; Benny was… who the hell cares where he was; Joanne was either working or with Maureen. They were scattered all over the place doing their own thing, which wasn't new, but Angel got the sudden desire to have his friends around him… to feel safer. He yawned, not escaping the attention of Collins.
"Tired?"
"Yeah…" Angel replied, yawning again and feeling the medication swim through his bloodstream, systematically slowing his body functions down enough so sleep could take over. It was working well as he felt his eyes drooping and the desire to close his eyes became unbearable. His eyes became blurred and the soft humming of the machines next to him were the only things that kept him awake and kept him from slipping into his unconscious world where things were hopefully a little more peaceful. The morphine wasn't just effective in killing the pain; it also acted as a nice inhibitor of dreams… therefore, no room for nightmares. An escape.
Collins watched his love drifting to sleep, and tried not to disturb him, and so he just sat back, with one hand protectively covering his chest. Surprisingly Angel had gotten a real good grip on him, and although he didn't need stitches, it still hurt. A stinging sensation radiated from the room, but Collins remained undistracted from his thoughts and the room was quiet once more. A few minutes later, he looked over to see how Angel was doing, only to see that his eyes were closed and with exception to the contraction and relaxing of his chest with every breath, there was no movement. He was asleep. It was somewhat relieving because the look on Angel's face was one of contentment… a sort of peace that he didn't get to experience when he was awake. A part of Collins wished that if that was what it took for Angel to be at peace, then he should remain sleeping for longer. I know, that doesn't sound good, but it was obvious that after everything that happened – any way that Angel could be afforded some peace couldn't actually be a bad thing. What was it that they all learned last year? No day but today? Those words seemed to take on a literal meaning that no one really wanted to face – that no matter what, each day that came to pass could in fact be your last and that how your last day may come, may be in fact be encapsulated in tragedy and heartbreak. That maybe, you wouldn't be granted the opportunity to say goodbye to the ones you love… No day but today… the negative connotation that could be derived from those words was more prominent and even applicable to this situation than the positive one. And it was a painful reality to deal with.
Knock, knock
Collins sat up straight and emerged from his thoughts as soon as he heard another presence wanting to enter. He didn't respond, but didn't need to as the door opened anyway. Whoever it was, he really wasn't in the mood to talk with anyone. He was at the stage now where he wasn't angry or full of vengeful rage, or sad and wanting to cry… Collins was just at the point of not caring anymore, except for Angel. He didn't have the energy to care about anything or anyone else.
"Professor?"
Seeing Julia step into the room, Collins instantly got to his feet. "Hey…" he greeted with less enthusiasm than he hoped. "What you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be studying or whatever?"
She shrugged and closed the door behind her. "I came to see how you were doing… both of you…"
Collins met her in the middle of the room and without waiting for her permission, he pulled her into his arms, affectionately embracing her. A little stunned at this outbreak of affection, Julia could feel how badly her professor was hurting, and so simply returned the hug. Then, Collins let out a yelp and leapt backwards, suddenly, gasping and gripping at his chest.
"What!" Julia stepped forward, concerned and confused. He appeared to be in pain of some sorts. But he just held his arm out to keep her back a bit, and waited for the pain from his chest to subside.
"Fuck!" he muttered and leaned against the wall, taking deep breaths. Each time he inhaled, causing his chest to expand, a surge of pain stung his skin, causing his body to shake a bit. Angel had done his damage. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"
"Tom?" Julia tried again.
"Nothing, it's nothing…" he whispered hoarsely. "I just… Angel got a little upset earlier, so to speak."
"What'd he do?" she asked and took his arm, leading him over to a chair. Collins sat down and his muscles somewhat relaxed a bit more now that he had some support. "Tom?"
Instead of telling her, Collins simply lifted his up his shirt just enough so she could see the bandage that covered the center of his chest, and her jaw dropped.
"What'd he do?" she wondered, glancing over at the bed to see Angel sleeping soundly. It had looked like he had been a bit emotional; his face was stained with dried tears and there did look like there were a couple of red spots on the sheets. Blood.
"Got a little excited," her professor smiled up at her, wearily. "He's okay. He's okay. He told me what happened when he was attacked… he scratched me, that's all. No big deal."
"No big deal? It's big enough of deal to draw blood and warrant bandages…"
"Julia, its fine. Anyway, you shouldn't be here… I'm still in the middle of writing the exam, and I ain't gonna make it easy."
Julia sat on the edge of Angel's bed, being careful not to wake or disturb him any way. The stress that both of them had been under in the past couple of weeks must have been intense, she couldn't imagine it.
Curiously, Julia reached over and gently took Angel's hand in her own. His skin was soft and warm; the life was there that couldn't be denied. She was curious. Collins watched her interact with Angel, thinking about what was different about this girl… there's no way she could fit in with their world; but it was obvious that she wasn't fitting in with her own. The worst thing in the world is being left out of any life with other people who don't accept you on one side, and those who just don't understand you on the other side. Being stuck in the middle was like living in purgatory – not having any place to go, not being accepted… one world that was greater than the other; good and bad no longer having any meaning. What was a girl to do? Collins' intelligence made it easier for him to read her, and their friendship just made it all the more easier to understand why she was doing and saying what she was.
"He doesn't blame you, you know," he commented.
"Hmm?"
"Angel. He doesn't blame you because you convinced me to come back. That's what you're thinking, right?"
"How did you--?"
"The look of regret on your face. You don't exactly hide your feelings well, Julia." He smirked and leaned his head against the wall in which he was sitting against.
"And that's a bad thing?"
"No. Angel's just the same. He doesn't like hiding what he's feeling… he says it feels like he's denying to himself who he is."
"Poetic."
"Nah. Just love. That's who he is… and that's who you are."
"What, you're my shrink now?"
"What's with the attitude?"
"What's it to you?"
Collins rolled his eyes and leaned forward. "Whatever," he finally gave up. "Fuck it, I won't bother…"
"I was joking, Tom."
"Not really in a joking mood, Julia."
"Sorry!"
As they bickered, lightheartedly, neither of them noticed Angel starting to wake up again, only a few minutes of finally falling asleep. The first thought that came to mind that he was gonna kill Collins for waking him up, and also whoever he was fighting with…
He felt someone holding his hand. The other hand was warm and soft… delicate even, feminine. So not Collins. So he opened his eyes just a little to see who it was, and almost immediately he recognized that girl who Collins told him had convinced him to return to New York. What was her name? Jamie? Joanne? Julie? Julie… Julia! That's it! Why she was there, holding his hand, was a mystery to Angel.
Releasing a soft moan as he felt himself returning to reality, he caught the attention of his lover and that Julia girl.
"Angel?" Collins stood up and leaned down at his side. Angel's eyes flickered a couple of times and then opened fully – the dark brown eyes that he fell in love with were looking into his own.
"Hmm?"
"You okay, baby? I thought you were sleepin'…"
"I was trying," he whispered back. "Whatever you two are bitchin' about, take it outside… I need my beauty sleep. Fuck, I really need it," he joked a bit and let out a small cough.
"A girl's gotta look her best!"
"Can't argue that," he heard Julia mutter.
"You're back," he directed at her, smiling. "The girl who brought me myCollins back."
1 HOUR LATER
He didn't know why… but Julia and Angel were actually hitting it off real well. The two of them were yapping away about various things, mostly about him and so Collins just tuned himself out as to their discussion of him as a professor at MIT. Neither Angel nor Julia really seemed to notice, and Angel was very interested in Collins' life beyond the East Village and New York City for the three months he had been gone. Julia gladly offered up everything she knew about him, and the constant giggling and looks at him didn't make him uncomfortable – it was good to see Angel smiling again after the heaviness of earlier that day. Who was Collins to complain about that, huh?
Now, he sat back reading through his philosophy books again, with the same marker, trying to find out good exam points. It was harder now, not because Julia was in the room with him, but the thought that someone from MIT might find out that he and her had a personal relationship outside the boundaries of just professor and student… that could seriously damage his reputation and even get him fired. Rumors could start. No one knew he was gay, so the obvious ones would be that they were sleeping together or something… it was hard to keep their friendship secret, because he connected with Julia so well. But Collins couldn't make the exam more difficult for her, just to prove that he was trying to be as fair as possible. That, in itself, wouldn't be fair. There worst thing of all, was that he kept being distracted, not by Angel and Julia, but by what Angel had told him, earlier… Sam's name was enough to invoke the awful memories he had hoped to have been rid off, but no such luck was presented to him.
Tapping the marker lightly on the page that was open to him, the words he was reading just became that. Words. No meaning. No life. These were words that once gave him so much interest and passion to change the world around him, but now they just didn't hold him like they used to.
He decided to take a break and stretched his arms in front of him. Sitting on the bed, Julia was telling Angel of meeting Collins for the first time, and the drag queen seemed interested in knowing the state of mind his then-ex lover had been in just following their break up. Collins watched them, but didn't interrupt…
FLASHBACK –2 YEARS EARLIER - MAY 21st, 1989
His lips pressed against his lover's neck softly and tenderly, with passion and fire that he had never felt before. Everything was perfect and quiet, with exception to the soft moans and sounds of pleasure that both young men were feeling… Collins didn't know what was coming over him as he leaned over Samuel. Each kiss sent electricity shooting down his spine, and Sam was loving being seduced by the man whom he loved and would never give up for anything.
Collins' tongue grazed the side of Sam's neck, before he maneuvered himself further until his kisses reached Sam's lips and their kisses deepened. It enveloped them both and Sam's arms tightened around Collins' back; his fingers gently digging into the professor's dark skin with the intensity of the passion becoming too much. Sensing the pleasured reaction he was getting, Collins continued to deepen the kiss and felt Sam's tongue pushing further into his mouth.
It had been two weeks since they had last seen each other, as Collins was working at MIT and had to travel back at forth between New York and Massachusetts in preparation for exams, and Sam's world existed in New York and both decided it was best that he stay in the city. But it didn't matter… as much as they missed each other, it just made it all the more pleasurable and exciting when they were reunited. The love making was intense and when they were done, they'd just lay in each other's arms for hours… sharing cuddles and kisses, and for once Sam could relinquish himself to the more dominant physical and emotional power that was Collins. Never before had he felt so in love and so comfortable with anyone, and he loved it. He made silent vows to himself that he would never screw this up and always do what he could to make Collins happy. At the time, Collins did the same thing. His desire to protect and love Sam couldn't be broken… but then again, he wasn't actually fully aware of the extra-curricular activities Sam was involved in. The drugs? Gun running? Collins didn't know about any of it, and that's the way Sam intended it to stay as he was intent on keeping his lover by his side. Tom Collins would never approve of such a lifestyle, and wouldn't have anything to do with it…
Under the sheets of the bed, though, the love could be felt with every kiss and tender caress. Sam's hand slid down Collins' back and stopped at the edge of his boxer shorts, teasingly fingering the elastic.
"Fucking tease," Collins growled in a low voice, having finally coming up for air after reluctantly breaking the kiss.
"Baby you have no idea," Sam grinned up at him and grabbed the back of his neck, forcing his head down and their lips crushed together again. Collins body pressed firmly against the smaller man's and with their mouths locked together, Sam managed to slip his hand just under the elastic lining of Collins' box shorts and seductively massage his thigh.
Collins responded by placing kisses along his jaw line and moving down his neck to his chest. Licking and nibbling at his lover's nipples… needless to the say, the seductive gesture succeeded in exciting Sam further. The former history teacher bit his lips to stop himself from screaming with pleasure, and inside, Collins was absolutely ecstatic at the response he was getting. He knew just how to work Sam, and loved teaching the younger man new things about seduction and lovemaking. It wasn't necessarily about control as it was about pure, unadulterated love… feeling Sam's excitement against his own skin, he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew how to make the younger, less experienced man feel special and like he was the centre of Collins' world, and that's how both men felt about each other. (If only they knew, right?). For Sam, it was the most exciting sex he ever experienced and for Collins, it was the most breathtaking… neither of them had a real, monogamous relationship like this before, and they were very serious about each other. Sam had only recently 'embraced' his homosexuality, while with Collins he just never really wanted to experience just one man and thus was used to very casual relationships at best.
Collins tangled his fingers in Sam's hair and gently pulled his head backwards to give himself more access to his neck. He nibbled at Sam's ears and was fully aware that his actions would soon send the man into an orgasmic frenzy if he kept up the teasing. But hey, the man knew what he was doing, Sam gave him that much credit…
"And you call me the tease?" he breathed. Their chests pressed together and he could feel their hearts beating rhythmically in time.
"Well we can do this the fast way, or we can do it the right way…" Collins replied.
"And what way's that?"
"My way."
"Ahh… ok then… FUCK" Sam yelped when he felt Collins sucking on his ear and then just behind his ear.
"You're killing me, baby!"
"Just you wait…"
"I don't think I can…"
"Just trust me, will you?"
"I trust you… I just don't trust myself with you…"
"Ha fucking ha!"
Collins moved his kisses further down Sam's chest and to is stomach, and again using his tongue as his seductive weapon of choice, he nibbled at Sam's stomach and used his hands to rub his chest and arms. Sam was at his mercy, in a vulnerably position, and he was loving every minute of it. The pleasure at the physical stimulant was overwhelming him and he thought he was about to strangle Collins if he didn't stop this fucking teasing (he was in a good position to strangle him, at least).
"Collins!"
"Shh…"
6 MONTHS LATER – NOVEMBER 18th, 1989
"YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!" Collins screamed and slammed his fist into a wall. The pain was incredible, but so was the hurt… the betrayal… his anger at himself for being so naïve. Sam jumped and pressed his back the wall in attempts to back away from the rage that he was already feeling from his boyfriend. Tears were streaming down his face, and any tries he made to get Collins to calm down were futile… nothing was going to calm him now.
"How could you be so fucking reckless! You're disgusting!" Collins picked up a bag of cocaine and stormed over to the terrified Sam Michaels and shoved it into his hands. It's not like Collins was scared or totally innocent… he had used drugs and been in that crowd at one time, but he had given up. When he found out from a man who came to the apartment earlier that day, and identified himself as Randy, a friend and 'business associate' of Sam, Collins became suspicious. This Randy character was very shady looking… and also, he was high as a kite when he arrived. The betrayal and lies are what hurt most, coming from a man whom Collins loved with his soul and thought loved him in return. It wasn't that Sam was a drug junkie that bothered him… he could live with that, and try get him help… but running a drug ring and was a gun runner? The lies… the deceit. It was unforgivable in his mind; Sam's pleading and begging for forgiveness not withstanding. Roger and Mark warned him. They reasoned with him. Not wanting to believe Randy who told him of the dealings (as he was unaware as to who Collins was), Collins confided in his two best friends and they managed to convince him to see things the way they were seeing them, and convinced him to confront his lover. Sam broke down and confessed everything, and their relationship as he knew it was over. And it was killing him.
"Collins, baby, please!" Sam pleaded again and flung himself into Collins' arms, gripping at his shirt.
"I… I was gonna tell you, I just thought if you knew the truth… you'd.."
"I'd leave you?"
"Yeah…"
"Well guess what? YOU'RE RIGHT!" Collins yelled viciously in his face and shoved his betrayer away.
"You fucking destroyed it, Sam!" he screamed. "You destroyed it! I loved you. And you threw it away to get high!"
"I had no choice!" Sam replied. His eyes were wide and bloodshot, like a wild deer that'd been caught in the headlights of a car speeding towards it. He was busted… and he knew it. And God willing, he didn't want to lose Collins… he couldn't!
"Collins, I'm sorry! Please!" he sobbed and moved closer to him, only to have him step away.
"Get away… come any closer and I'll lose it. Come any closer and I'll beat the shit out of you."
The hateful words came from the one person Sam loved more than anything, and it's when Collins said that, that he knew he had lost him. Sinking to the floor, Sam cried openly and the self-torture, the self-hate… it had already begun. Little could he know that within a month, he really would lose Collins forever… to a vivacious, fun-loving drag queen named Angel Dumott Schunard.
Collins stared down at him with anger… contempt… pure hatred. How he could lose so much respect for him so quickly, he didn't understand. All he did understand was that it was over… it's not like he could automatically stop loving him, but he knew that it would die soon enough. For there is no love without trust. Or so he thought.
Standing in front of Sam, all Collins could do was shake his head and think about how stupid he's been to not have seen it. Sure, he may have suspected drugs on more than one occasion, like I said, that's something he could deal with… but Sam always told him that it was stress at work and that he thought he was coming close to losing his job because of poor performance. Again, Collins didn't query as to why, because he trusted him. Now, all he was wondering was how he could be so stupid as to ignore all the obvious indicators… maybe he'd of found out about this sooner (not that he would've been so quick to believe it). At one stage their relationship had been purely casual, and then it turned serious… it turned into love. Real love.
"I never would've believed it…" he spoke softer now. "Roger, Maureen, Benny and Mark all tried to tell me before, but I didn't want to hear it. I didn't wanna hear any of it, because I loved you so fucking much, I would've done anything for you. Defended you with my life, and now to think that it would've been worthless anyway, because you were killing yourself and others with this junk!" he glanced at the drugs. "Selling them on the street to kids and anyone with the cash, right?"
"Collins, I swear, it's nothing like that!" Sam protested, even though Collins really had nailed it pretty good.
"Shut the hell up, Sammy…" Collins knelt down in front of him. "I don't wanna hear another word about it… I can't believe another word you say now." In a surprising move, he leaned towards him and placed a gentle kiss on Sam's lips, and pulled back a few minutes later.
"That's the last time, Sammy… you're out of my life for good. And hopefully, you'll get on with yours… however long that'll be…" he then stood up, and without another look behind him, he walked to the front door of the apartment and picked up his backpack that he had prepared earlier, when waiting for Sam to get home so he could confront him. He slammed the door behind him and left Sam in his own tears. Now, Collins would have to go back to the loft… and face the friends who had tried to warn him. Lets just say, he wasn't looking forward to it…
END FLASHBACK
Those times taught Collins a valuable lesson about love and life, and how he couldn't be so naïve to ignore his friends for his own impulses. It was hard… but now, seeing his beautiful Angel smiling again, those lessons in which he had to learn the hard way, suddenly all seemed worth it. It brought him to Angel. And now, he had his second chance with him… he vowed to himself that he wasn't going to blow it.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Please review. Okay, so there is more of the history between Sam and Collins. In the next chapter, Sam and Collins finally confront one another. Meanwhile, Julian pays a visit to Angel.