DESTROYED
Chapter 21
SUMMARY: Mimi goes to see Collins just as Angel is waking up, and Mark and Roger decide to pay Julian and Sam a visit. Angel overhears Mimi and Collins talking about his encounter with Devon McAdams.
Note: Again, thank you so much to everyone who keeps reviewing, it's really helping me build my confidence as a writer and to branch out into other areas of creativeness. Writing has been my life ever since I was ten years old and it is such a pleasure to be able to keep writing for you all. I really appreciate it. But I also have to mention that right now I have a very serious financial situation with the government (those fuckers!) and it's taking a priority in my life so over the course of the next few weeks, if I am a little delayed in writing and posting new chapters, you'll know why.
Also, I'm accepting any new ideas or twists for the story – if there's something you'd like to see happen, or any ideas that could further the progression of the story, please let me know. I give full credit where it's due, and I'd appreciate any input.
Mimi wanted to see Angel more than anything in the world – her best friend was in a very precarious situation and even after everything she's seen, Mimi had never experienced life at this kind of level… where life and death was controlled not by you, but by someone else who could take your life away so easily. And no one was immune… not even their beloved Angel. Ever since Roger had started helping her get off the drugs, she was seeing things in an entirely new perspective and it wasn't necessarily a good thing – the world seemed darker and scarier and even more beyond her reach for control. In her own fucked up junkie world, all the pain from what was going on around her was somewhat dulled and made less of an impact, and obviously that too isn't a good thing – but she never really learned how to deal with as much tragedy as they, as a group, was dealing with now.
She stepped off the elevator and walked calmly down the hall, not paying anyone or anything any special attention in her course to Angel's room. She wasn't sure if Collins would even want her there, but she didn't care… it seemed like he was having to take more and more emotional punishment that was sending all of them into a state of confusion and even fear. For if someone like Angel could be so easily taken from this world in such a violent and unjust manner, what hope did the rest of these sin-ridden souls have? That was the most confusing part of it all for Mimi, and she didn't pretend she understood how fate or whatever was choosing to reveal itself, but it wasn't getting any better. The pain lingered as an awful aftertaste in all of them. Don't get me wrong, Mimi isn't stupid – she understands life and death; pain and pleasure; justice and injustice… and she knows how it works on the streets, as she had been there for a lot of the time to witness many things, good and bad.
Approaching Angel's room, she found herself becoming more nervous and didn't want to see the state her friend was in. How Collins could sit in there for all that time and not break down in tears – Angel was never the vulnerable type, and that's all he was now. It was overwhelming.
"Miss?" a gentle voice interrupted her and startled her out of her thoughts, and she turned around quickly. A young man – a nurse – approached her with cautious. "Can I help you?"
Can he help me? What the fuck? Mimi wasn't aware she was exhibiting any signs of distress or being in need of assistance.
"No, I'm good thanks," she turned around again, but the man kept following her.
"Are you sure—"
"Look," she snapped and turned around once more. "I don't know who you think you are buddy, but I'm just gonna see my friend who was almost killed again thanks to you people so fuck off and leave me alone!"
Seeing the stunned look on his face, Mimi smirked and walked off again, satisfied that she had done good. Who the hell did he think he was? Getting in her face like that? Sure, she's probably overreacting, but she had a right to be – it was the incompetence of the hospital that left Angel lying in a pool of his own blood in the place where he is supposed to get better, and be protected. It just went to further her and her friends' distrust in the city and the officials who run it – they weren't gonna lift a finger to help Angel or their community, so there was no reason why Mark shouldn't go straight to Alexi and get them to air the tape. It would be a total humiliation of New York's police department, and expose the social consequences of the decisions the officials made.
Mimi stopped outside of Angel's closed door and studied the name plate that told everyone who the unfortunate patient in this room was… Angel Dumott Schunard. It had been only a week since the initial attack, though recent events made it feel like it was much longer and time seemed to slow down long enough to drag the pain and misery out of all of them… and it showed no sign of mercifully relenting. Sighing, she knocked on the door three times and waited for some sort of response. A couple of seconds later, the door open and Collins stood there, looking somewhat more relaxed than he did earlier that day.
"Mimi, hey…" he greeted, sounding very fatigued. Without saying a word, she gripped the collar of his shirt and pulled him to her, embracing him in a loving hug which he gladly returned. "What you doing here?"
"Came to see how you doing…" she replied with a small smile. Remembering the instruction of not telling him of what was going on with Mark's footage; Mimi took extra care so he wouldn't suspect anything. They pulled away but still had their arms around each other as she peered into the room and over at Angel's bed. Mimi couldn't stop herself from gasping at the sight…
"Oh gosh…" she muttered and looked at Collins again. "Fuck… how's he doing?"
A smile spread across his face. "See for yourself, girl. He's awake!"
"What!" she ran over to Angel's bedside, and saw that it was true – Angel's eyes were awake and he was staring up at her, still as silent as ever. Mimi almost lost it at that point and she did everything she could to keep herself from grabbing Angel and pulling him into her arms.
"Oh my God ANGEL!" she cried, running her fingers lightly over his cut, bruised, and bandaged facial features.
In response, Angel managed a small smile for her and lifted his hand only slightly to touch her arm. Everything for him was so incoherent, and he was only barely making out what she was saying… there was no pain or even that much discomfort – but his senses had been numb for so long, that it was understandably difficult for him to reconnect with the real world.
Seeing the progress his lover was making, Collins' smile grew even wider but he knew he shouldn't get overly excited. By no means was Angel out of the woods just yet – far from it. But the progress was definitely there, and although the doctor's words weren't necessarily very positive, they did inspire more hope and affirm Collins' belief that Angel really was a fighter… a real angel who couldn't and wouldn't succumb to scum like Sam and Julian.
Tears streamed down Mimi's face and she leaned in closed to him, resting her head next to his on the pillow and giving him a soft kiss to his right temple. Collins walked over to her side and put his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it.
"Can… can he hear me? Is he okay?" Mimi stammered, not looking away from Angel. But she didn't need Collins to respond, as Angel made have her hand a very subtle, soft squeeze – but to Mimi, it was the best response they could hope for.
"Doctor says she didn't expect him to wake up so soon…" Collins replied. "I doubt she expected him to wake up at all."
"How'd you know!" Mimi stroked Angel's hair and felt herself trembling so badly.
"I just saw the shock on her face is all. He can hear you..."
"Angel…" Mimi whispered, not wanting to lose control. "I…" she stopped and looked up at Collins for help.
"I dunno what to say…"
"Say whatever you want," he encouraged and wiped his eyes with a tissue. Collins then wandered around to the other side of the bed. "Be careful of his hands though… and his chest and throat."
"I know."
Mimi was having trouble getting over the shock of seeing Angel awake already, but for the first time since she's known him, she didn't know what to say. She didn't want to upset him or say something that would cause unnecessary stress… she heard that in times like this, it's always important to be encouraging and positive, for the sake of the person who needs it. But somehow she couldn't bring herself to do it… not now. Too much had happened, and she doubted that neither Angel nor Collins would appreciate false hopes being created or whatever – so what could she say?
"I, um… everyone's waiting for you, Ang," she commented thoughtfully. "We miss you, babe…"
Angel's eyes were twinkling under the light and the formation of tears was clear. Or maybe that was just the effects of the medication… whatever it was, there was no emptiness in him. Collins could see the appreciation Angel had for Mimi because she was there – just being there made the world of difference to him. What she wouldn't give to have some sort of hit right now… the highness of the drugs would help her relax (as many junkies often reasoned – the drugs killed the pressure felt from intense situations such as this). But putting her impulses aside for a brief moment, Mimi took a deep breath and tried to control her nerves – a hard thing for a junkie to do. Angel continued to stare up at her, as if imploring her with his eyes to continue…
"I just… it'll be okay, you know? It'll work out right and, and—" she choked up. "Fuck, I'm gonna cry now… see what you do to us, Ang?" she added lightheartedly, but that didn't stop the tears. "You got us all worked up, girl, you know that. Too much love here for you to go now, you know that, right?"
Again, Angel squeezed her hand to let her know that he understood, and that he was hearing her words, which he was. And it meant a lot coming from her especially, as they were so close. Collins sat back and let Mimi do the talking – as young and innocently naïve as she was, often enough she was the one who usually made the most sense. He closed his eyes for a brief second.
"We miss our Angel," Mimi continued and sniffed. "You stay with us, you hear? Okay?"
Angel was now fully aware of what was going on around him, and listening to Mimi's words was enough to give him a bit of peace. Not being able to speak or reassure them in anyway, he had resigned himself to having to just listen…
Collins stood up again and rubbed Angel's arm while looking at Mimi.
"You okay?" he asked her.
"Yeah, I'm cool," she replied with a chuckle. "Just didn't expect this, that's all."
"Yeah…"
Mimi leaned down and kissed Angel again. "Love you, sweetie!'
"Mims?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I talk to you?"
"Um I guess so…"
Collins also kissed Angel and whispered, "We'll just be over there," he gestured to the other side of the room, and Angel followed his direction and was relieved to know they weren't leaving the room. Collins then grabbed Mimi's hand and led her to the corner of the room, opposite to where Angel's bed was and wanted to keep their conversation out of earshot.
"What is it?"
"I need you to do me a favour," he said in a low tone.
"Sure, anything…"
He took his hand out of pocket, and in it was a piece of paper. After hesitating a brief moment, he extended it to Mimi.
"Here," he said. "I need you to call this number and ask for Devon McAdams."
Mimi stared at him. "That's that guy—"
"My 'boss'" Collins confirmed. "Well… not really my boss, but he's a superior member of the faculty at MIT…"
"Is he—"
"That asshole who came in here earlier and demanded I go to this convention thing? Yeah. I just need you to tell him that I'm not going—"
"Why?" Mimi interrupted. "Collins this is your job, you need it—"
"I need Angel. I'm not leaving him, you guys, or New York again. I belong here."
"Yeah, but—"
"Mimi, I can't go! I promised him I wouldn't leave his side again and I'm not gonna break another promise to him. Last time I did that, and you see what happened—"
"I'll stay with him, we all will… but you gotta go, you need the money."
"I'll get by," Collins told her. "I always do. I don't need MIT—"
"But you won't be able to get a job anywhere else… Roger said thatthis guythreatened to black list you if you didn't go… whatever that means."
Collins put his arms around her shoulders and kissed her forehead, touched by her concern.
"I'll be okay. I'll find something. But I'm not selling out to them. Not again…"
The situation was a difficult one to digest let alone try work through – Mimi didn't want Collins to go anymore than he did, but she also knew that his professional life would crumble should he purposefully defy his employers, especially those whom are in charge of such a prestigious institution as MIT.
"I think you should go," she said. "Angel will understand."
Unfortunately both of them were so involved with their conversation that they forgot to keep a lid on how loudly they spoke, and Angel could hear almost every word they were saying. Collins had to leave? Again? A tear slipped from his eyes and dripped down the side of his face at the prospect of his lover having to go again, even if it was just for a short time, when he was still lingering between life and death.
'I can't do that to him again!" Collins hissed. "I won't. And it's not just about him, it's the principle of the fucking matter – I'm not a puppet on strings for them to manipulate, especially Devon McAdams, whenever they damn well feel like it. They want me to speak at a convention that goes against everything I am and everything we stand for… everything we are. And I'd basically be getting up there and lying to my students, which I won't do."
Mimi shrugged. "Never you to be so on principle with anyone Collins… you're an anarchist, you love screwing people like them over! Hell, I love watching you do it!"
"Yeah, exactly. That's why I'm not going. And besides, as much as I hate the authority of the board, I won't take that out on my students. Including Julia."
Mimi smiled. "So this is more about her then, right?"
"Damn straight. She's lived in that world her entire life and I've seen what it does to her… I won't be apart of it. They can go fuck themselves for all I care." There was a passion in his voice that had been missed by all of them when he left, and to hear him getting it back was a relief. For Tom Collins, the vagabond anarchist who defied conventions and refused to conform to the accept theories, his passion in life often mingled with his work… maybe it was his life experiences or just existing in a community that thrives on diversity and being different. Either way, when he made up his mind there was no turning back.
"Then do it your way," Mimi reasoned. "Beat those assholes at their own game. Be who you are or whatever you wanna do… isn't that what Angel always said?"
It wasn't like she was trying to convince him to go, but there was that opportunity for Collins to take back what was rightfully his – himself. He had to hide his own identity – who he was – during his time with the conservative board at MIT. Now was the time to get it back.
"Collins… you should go. If not for you, for Angel. Angel wants you back, but he won't get you so long as you go on like this, you know? I really think you should do this. I'll stay with Angel to you get back, but you know it's something you gotta do. You know it, babe."
He sighed and rubbed his eyes, feeling the heaviness of fatigue and the weight of his body wanting to just lie down and let natural sleep take over. He didn't wanna argue with her now.
"Whatever," he replied. "I just don't know how to explain this to Angel, you know? I don't want him to think its be betraying my word to him again."
"He won't! This isn't like something you planned or anything. He knows that. Or at least, he'll understand it sooner or later… you can't give him everything until you get back yourself. That's what he taught me… him and Roger taught me that. At first I was like 'fuck you, let me do things on my own'… but now it makes more sense, you know?"
"Where did you get so wise, Ms. Marquez?" Collins teased weakly. She shrugged casually and leaned against the wall.
"I know a lot of this," she teased back. "Just no one cares to ask is all. Everyone thinks the drugs fried my brain."
"The drugs have fried you honey."
"Fuck you."
"Yeah, yeah…" he laughed, appreciating the moment of lightheartedness. "But seriously, Mims. No one thinks your stupid."
"I don't care, Collins. It doesn't matter to me – I know what I got, and that's what's important. Not what anyone else thinks, you know?"
"Yeah I get it. Thanks Mims." He pulled her into a hug and held her there, feeling the warmth of her body against his. It was comforting.
"For what?"
Collins shook his head sadly. "For being you."
Mimi chewed her gum and drummed her fingers against the wall. "So have you made up your mind?
He sighed again and wanted to pound his head against the wall – he hated this. "Yeah, I've made up my mind."
"You gonna go?"
"Yes… I'll go."
Angel listened. Another tear.
WITH ROGER AND MARK
Standing outside the cafeteria, Roger was still not sure if confronting Sam and Julian would be the wisest idea. After all, they're heavy drug and gun dealers and had a good sized gang and could easily put out a call to have them all knocked off… as passionate as Roger was to find them and kill them for that they did to Angel, he wasn't stupid and neither was Mark.
"How the hell are we supposed to know where they are anyway?" Roger asked with slight annoyance.
"I mean, should we not get killed the second they spot us, how are we supposed to approach this?"
"I don't know, Roger," Mark replied, just as frustrated. "But we gotta do something – Angel won't be any safer until something's done."
"Yeah, yeah, I know you're right man. Doesn't make my feel any better."
Both men began walking to the exit of the hospital, having already informed Maureen and Joanne that they were gonna take care of things now. They offered to come along, not wanting to miss this chance to see their reactions, but the men refused – they weren't gonna put them in harms way no matter what came of this confrontation. Street justice was often the most affective and preferred type of justice for their community, since the community had a very antagonistic relationship with the NYPD and city council.
Roger ran his fingers through his long her and let out a very nervous breath of air… Mark simply kept his mind on what they were about to do. Knowing he had Alexi darling ready willing and able to collect the tape and air it all over Buzzline… and knowing that Sam and Julian feared losing their clientele more than going to jail or whatever, so if the tape gets aired the police would be humiliated, Sam would lose his business and probably go to jail. Two birds in one stone. That's why he called Alexi.
"When we get to the loft, I'll call Alexi and set up a place so I can give her the footage," Mark explained.
"What do I do?"
"Do whatever. Just be careful, k?"
"Uh-huh…"
Being in the highly unusual position they were, Roger had no clue what to do nor knew what to expect. Sam was very unpredictable and obviously Julian was even more unstable… surely they wouldn't be stupid enough to try hurt them in broad daylight. Anyway, that's not how Sam worked. He'd never hurt anyone unless he thought it was absolutely necessary… that's who he was. Sam was your dictionary definition of a coward and had slight paranoid tendencies even when he wasn't fucked up and high on his own junk. So the fear of getting caught out by police, as he had done on some occasions before, was very high with Sam.
They walked silently, and Roger was kicking himself for not having told Mimi what was happening, but soon figured she'd get over it.
"Just hope this doesn't come back to bite us in the ass," he whispered, though Mark heard.
"Do you think he'll die?" he changed the subject to an even more depressing one.
"What?"
"Angel. You think he's gonna die, don't you?"
Roger shrugged sadly. "I just think we gotta think about the possibility that's all. I mean, what happens if he does? What then? What good would any of this do?"
"You're a cynical bastard, you know that right?"
"I'm a realistic bastard. Don't tell me that the thought hasn't crossed your mind."
"Rog, of course it has! Heck, he had half his blood supply soaking into the hospital floor!" Mark replied, now pissed off. "Don't know about you, but I wanna believe he's gonna live, okay?"
"Suit yourself."
Finishing the argument there, they exited the hospital and continued on their way in silence. What would happen next was anyone's guess, but it had to be done…
BACK WITH COLLINS, MIMI, AND ANGEL
Sitting back down on the bed, Collins could immediately tell that Angel was upset – tear stains streaked his cheeks and his eyes were darkened and he was scared. Mimi also sat down and bit her lip when she saw the pain Angel was having to handle. He squeezed his eyes shut and silently whimpered at the thought of Collins being gone again – after everything, he needed to stay. They needed to be together!
"Shit," Collins muttered. "Angel, baby? What is it? Pain?" his heart started thumping so loudly he thought he could hear the beating in his own ears. "Angel!"
"He heard," Mimi whispered, instantly hit with the guilt… she and Collins should've been more careful.
"What?"
"He heard us. He heard… look at him, Collins! He heard it!" she insisted, and Angel squeezed Collins' hand in agreement, not feeling the pain in his hands thanks to good ol' fashioned pain killers.
"You heard!" Collins was shocked. The last thing he wanted was for Angel to stress about him leaving his side, let alone the hospital. "What the--- Angel, I'm so sorry gorgeous… I honestly didn't mean for you to hear that!"
Angel's sadness was so visible it made both their hearts wrench and Collins once again couldn't shake himself of that guilt of having to leave Angel's side again – but Mimi was right in that this was something he had to do in order to move on and put his past behind him. Forget regret.
"Mimi?"
"Yeah?"
"Umm… could I be with Angel alone for a few minutes?"
Knowing the gravity of the situation, Mimi silently nodded and excused herself, but didn't leave before giving Angel another kiss and whispering that she'll be back soon with the others. After she closed the door behind her, Collins placed Angel's fingers to his mouth and kissed each one for a soothing comfort to them both.
"Angel…" he spoke softly so not to alarm him. "Baby… I'm so sorry… it's just… it's something I gotta do. I wanna give you everything, every part of me again… I can't do that while I'm still tied to these people."
The innocence and sadness of Angel reflected that of a little child who had just lost his prized toy. Through what they had to get through to stay in each other's arms, it didn't seem fair that anyone could ask Collins or him for anything right now, but apparently this was just one more obstacle they had to go through. Angel wanted to scream. He wanted to scream and shout and curse Collins out, though the back of his mind was telling him that these were genuine circumstances that his boyfriend couldn't foresee and that it had to be done. And Angel wanted to hate Mimi for pushing the idea to go into Collins' head and encouraging him to do it, and he wanted to scream at her for being the one to cause Collins to leave. Again, it wasn't her fault either. Whoever this Devon McAdams was, he had to be a real fucking asshole to force Collins to do this now, and have no regards for what was going on in their lives. Angel wanted to scream and shout and cry and release all the anger and hurt he was feeling – betrayal, fear, and desire… confliction of his own feelings was definitely not making it any easier on him. Feeling the gathering emotion sticking to his already damaged throat, Angel wanted nothing more but to hate them all and wish that he'd never met any of them. For it was them being in his life that made this all so hard to deal with… he didn't want to die and be separated from his friends (his family)… from Collins. And he really wanted to despise Collins for being the one he fell in love with… for giving him the reason to keep feeling the pain and fight through it to live. Three years ago, if this has happened, it would've been easier to give up and die. Now, it was too much to ask of himself.
But being vocally unable to release his anger, he kept a hold of Collins' hand and wished he was super glued to him so they'd literally be stuck together. Collins kissed him again.
"I don't wanna go, sweetie, I really don't… it hurts so bad to have to leave you here, but I swear it won't be for long, I—" he stopped himself before he said the word 'promise'. He had broken too many promises to Angel for that word to have any meaning anymore, positive or negative.
"I love you," he finished. "And you're all I think about, and all I'll be thinking about. It'll only be for a night, okay? And the other's will be here and stay with you, okay?"
He reached over and wiped a tear from Angel's eye just as it was released and smiled, reassuringly, but not convincingly.
"Trust me, baby. I know it's hard, and it's something I shouldn't ask you to do yet… but give me a little trust again that's all I want. Trust me when I tell you that it'll be okay. We'll all get through this, k? Trust me, just a little."
Trusting Collins was still a major issue with Angel, given the circumstances he was in now, but he didn't have much choice in the matter. Collins was gonna go again, and he said he'd be back. Angel had no choice but to hold to that trust. Two weeks ago, all he could focus on was the lies and deceit Tom Collins had looked into his eyes and told him… so the trust wasn't back completely yet, since Julian's attack. But it wasn't completely gone either.
"Just trust me, Angel…"
Angel's fingers traced circles around the palm of Collins' hand and he clasped his fingers in agreement.
"I love you," Collins repeated. "And that's all that's gonna keep me going… all that'll keep me strong while I'm away. I just got things to do. Then it'll be done."
Already, ideas were circulating in his head as to what he'd do and say when he'd get to the conference, and he would make sure it would be something none of them would forget. Especially Devon McAdams.
"You're my best friend, Ang. And when I get back, it'll be for good. You'll see. I got a lot to prove, I know – to you, to our friends… to everyone. And I know you'd say 'just be yourself, Tom. You got nothing to prove' or whatever… but we both know I do. I gotta prove to you that I want you and love you more than anything in this world. I gotta prove to the others that I'm not leaving again. So that's why I gotta do this, okay? God, I wish I could hear you speak again… hear your voice."
Angel managed another small smile and loved those words. Collins was right – he had a hell of a lot of things to prove to them, and it was plain obvious that he was more than willing to do so. It was not time to wait and see if he could carry out on his word…
AUTHOR'S NOTES: next chapter – Roger and Mark meet Alexi. Sam and Julian find them at the Life Café. Collins returns to MIT to give the speech (and it's gonna be real good!) Julia and Mark share an intimate moment.