DESTROYED

Chapter 25

SUMMARY: Collins returns to the city and learns of everything that has gone down in his absence; Sam and Julian get caught out; Collins and Joanne share a heart-to-heart. The Angel we all know and love is disappearing... You all will hate me afterwards, but I gotta do it.

Note: With the last chapter, I had character and plot problems, so I've fixed them as best I could, but forgive me if this chapter seems a little dull or whatever.

Special thanks: Daina! You know how much I love ya, right muffin? Thanks soooo much for helping me with this and other chapters. BIG HUGS you're the best!

"I can't believe you almost torched the building!" Joanne exclaimed as they sat in traffic at the traffic lights, patiently waiting to go home. It was now just after midnight on Saturday morning and Joanne had gone to pick up Collins, now her client, from the jail cell he was sitting in. What were the charges? Vandalism. Reckless endangerment. Joanne was pretty sure she could get him off with just a slap on the wrist, but since he has a history with these people – and this state, it might be more difficult than she anticipated. As of yet, she still hadn't told him about the footage Mark caught or the fact that it had been aired on Buzzline, or any of it – not yet, at least. She wanted to wait until he was back with Angel and the others, as these past few days especially must've been horribly traumatic for him. Now, Joanne was just more annoyed with him than anything else… true to his nature, Collins had gone and stirred up a whole lot of trouble to prove his point. After explaining to her what he had said and done, Joanne still couldn't help but feel a sense of pride – Collins did what he had to do to let go of all his fucked up past and move on. And when she saw him, it was like seeing the old Collins again, which was refreshing… but their troubles weren't over yet, not by a long shot.

"It wasn't like I was trying to," Collins defended his actions. "Just illustrating my point and purpose, that's all. Anyway it was worth seeing Devon getting screwed like that. Man, you shoulda seen it, Joanne. He was PISSED!"

"I doubt they see it that way."

"Yeah, well they see things in a rather skewed way anyway…" he stared out the window, sadly. "So how is he?"

"Hmm?"

"Angel. Is he still—"

"Pissed?"

"Yeah…"

"Ooh yeah." Collins' heart fell. Great. "But he's getting through it," she quickly added. "He'll be over it when you get back."

"I dunno… I've let him down enough…"

"That's putting it lightly…"

"Joanne!"

"Sorry!" she laughed. "Seriously, Collins, he'll get over it. He's still pretty fucked in the head, you know… with all the medication and stuff. Just give him time – he's had a rough week."

"Now THAT'S an understatement!"

"Just let him deal with it in his own way…" she hesitated. "There's also something that's come up with him. Not sure if I should—"

"What!" Collins perked up. What's happened with Angel? "Joanne, what?"

She sighed. Maybe she shouldn't have said anything, it'll just get him all worked up. Screw it.
"Angel's talking."

His eyes widened. She didn't just say that… did she? Blinking with confusion, and a look like he had just been slapped, and he didn't know what to make of this news. Angel had started speaking and he wasn't there? It was like being hit by a freight train, that's how heavy that news was – numbness. What Collins felt was like what a parent would feel if he or she missed his baby's first words, it was painful… it was Angel's next step in recovering, and he wasn't there. Well, at least now he knew he wouldn't have any other obligations that would force him from his Angel and friends. He blinked away tears and regained some level of composure so he could speak again.

"He… he's speaking?" he whispered, dreading the answer. Joanne nodded and started driving as the light turned green.

"Yeah. Not too much, but he's stringing sentences together. I think he can remember what happened…"

"Did he say that!"

"No. But he doesn't have to."

Collins rubbed his temples. "What's he been saying?"

Joanne also felt herself choking up, remembering when she saw the lifelessness behind Angel's eyes. The giving up of hope. If Angel, of all people, could no longer find beauty in life, then what hope was there for the rest of them? "You don't wanna know."

"Joanne, I can take it. What's he said?" Collins asked again, this time with more force. It couldn't have been good if she was resisting like this. He wasn't even sure that he wanted to know, but it was better than having to wait out the entire trip not knowing whether Angel hates him or not. But the look on Joanne's face was really telling him all he needed to know. Why was this so hard for them both? If Angel really didn't wanna see him, he knows Joanne would've told him. Then again, who knows what was going on now. Joanne focused herself on the driving, and quickly tried to come up with some sort of answer that would satisfy him. She finally decided to come clean.

"He's losing it, Tom," she sadly informed him.

"Losing what?"

She hesitated. "His will to live… I can't see it there anymore… I'm so sorry…"

Collins bit his lip and couldn't stop the tears. His life had turned to shit in the past few months, and the only flicker of light there was, was being with Angel again – being able to regain his trust and for them just to be together. To hear that Angel was no longer the person he had fallen in love with, was terrifying and extremely painful to think, let alone deal with. Joanne reached across and held his hand, giving at a comforting squeeze. Instantly she regretted having told him, but at least he was prepared for it now. She decided not to tell him about Angel saying that he didn't wanna see Collins again, knowing it would be too much for him to handle right now. She knew why he had to leave – they all did – but Angel was in no position to be understanding right now… the fear he felt for Sam or Julian coming back, and the extra feeling of being abandoned by the man he loved, for a second time, was overwhelming and gave him an excuse for being the way he was. Would Collins get a chance to rectify the situation? Only Angel could decide that, but for now Collins was left to think about the possibilities… the possibility of Angel not wanting him anymore; of rejecting him again was never more real than it was now.

"I shouldn't have left him," he whispered, tearing up. "I shouldn't have done it…"

"Collins, you had to sooner or later. It wouldn't have been fair to either of you if you still had to carry around that baggage. It had to be done," Joanne tried to reassure him, but there was no consoling a broken soul who felt he lost everything. She had no reason to lie to him, so when she said that Angel was losing his love for life, and wanting to die, then that was it – it had gotten to the point where there wasn't much that could be done on Collins' part. But he had to try. "You can't blame yourself."

"Yeah I can. Angel needed me, and I left him… again…" he gazed out the window at the passing cars. "I've lost him for sure."

WITH ANGEL AND THE OTHERS

Angel was the only one left awake, and part of him was glad. It gave him a chance to think of what was going on, and to sort out his own self. Collins and Joanne still weren't back, and it was after midnight. Collins. Just the mere thought of his name brought so many angry and resentful feelings – deep down he knew that his lover had no choice other than to go do whatever it is he had to do, but that doesn't mean Angel had to like it. He couldn't escape the feeling of abandonment. The helplessness he felt, of not being able to move without having the pain tear through every organ of his body, was enough to make him depressed. But what point was there now? To life? To love? When it seemed everything in the world was against him… fate itself seemed to be denying the love and life he so desperately wanted, so why try to fight the force he had not hope of beating?

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and tried to calm down… earlier, he had only pretended to sleep so the others wouldn't constantly fuss over him, and it wasn't long before they all succumbed to sleep as well. The peacefulness of being in the hospital at night, when all was calm, was the only solace Angel could bring himself to accept. Everything else didn't exist to him.

The television remained on, with low volume, at his request. It wasn't much of a distraction – a cheap low-budget, late-night, low-quality film that was slowly turning into very transparent soft-core porn with not plot. It held his attention well enough so he didn't go mad with the boredom and loneliness of it all.

"Fuck you, Collins," he cried in barely a whisper. A tear slid onto his bottom lip, and the salty taste of pain and heartache was like poison to his body – but slowly, as he was feeling more of that misery, it was like he was building up an immunity to that 'poison' to the point where it was all he could feel now. If and when his boyfriend would return, Angel had no idea what to do or say – and he was scared for Collins to come back, because he didn't know how he would react. How just Collins' name made him react the way he did also made him angry with himself… he was losing himself. It wasn't fair. This was not what he had in mind when he approached the depressed, broken down professor on that cold Christmas Eve in 1989. Angel couldn't stop a small smile when he remembered their first kiss, and the time when he was first introduced to his friends – they were his world; his life, not just Collins. Looking around the room, Angel studied their faces and saw that all were content, at least… sleeping peacefully. Something which he could do.

He sighed and went back to staring at the television. Angel could remember the events that took place in the hospital days ago, very clearly… probably more clear than he should. But that wasn't what was bothering him. Somehow, he seemed strangely unaffected by those memories… it was something else… the memory of him not having anyone there with him, was what caused the pain. Earlier, Roger had told him that it had been a scheme between Sam and Julian to lure Collins out of the room, however Angel didn't know why Collins would leave anyway. The teacher had told him that no matter what happened, he wouldn't leave… and then he did. Angel wanted to hate Collins, but couldn't. But he couldn't stand to look at him anymore either.

"Dammit," he muttered, feeling a headache coming on. He reached over to the side table and picked up a remote-control like thing and pushed the button that called for some assistance. A few moments later, a nurse appeared at the door. A middle-aged African-American woman in a nurses' outfit smiled down at him, in a way that oddly made him feel a little safe. She was warm.

"What do you need, honey?" she drawled in her southern accent. Wearily, Angel managed to smile back.

"Umm, I got a headache," he told her.

"Say no more, baby. I'll get something for it," she replied. "I'll be right back. Don't you be going anywhere…"

Angel laughed weakly. "I'll try not to."

The nurse left, leaving him alone again. The nurse's warm reception to him did make him feel a little better for some reason – actual human interaction without the emotional turmoil that usually accompanied it, at least for Angel. He had enough of that to last about half a dozen lifetimes… but now he wasn't sure that he wanted to live out the rest of this one.

A few minutes later, the nurse returned and stepped around the chair where Roger was sleeping, and stood next to the bed, smiling down at Angel. She held out her hands, one with two pills and the other a small plastic cup of water.

"Here you go."

"Thanks," Angel gratefully accepted the medicine. He took the pills and quickly followed them by gulping down the water.

"How are you feeling tonight?" she asked, deciding to check his vital stats while she was there. The nurse picked up Angel's wrist and held her two fingers to his pulse, while checking her watch. "Any better?"

"No," Angel replied. "Like hell actually. Sometimes I wonder if this is really me."

"Oh? How so?"

Angel shook his head. "I dunno… just doesn't feel real anymore. Doesn't feel worth it."

"What doesn't?"

"Life."

The nurse looked at him with concern. It wasn't uncommon for her to encounter patients who were feeling depressed or sad by their circumstances, but it's just how Angel worded his thoughts that caught her attention. Like he was giving up.

"Life's always worth it, baby. Always."

"That's what I used to think. Maybe I was just kidding myself. Or maybe I'm just a joke God created so He could have some amusement."

The nurse sat down on the bed next to him, and clasped her hands around his left one. "You're not a joke. I don't wanna know what's made you feel like this. But I do know that it must really mean a lot to you for you to lose hope like this, am I right?"

"Maybe."

"You suffered a lot, I know. Feel betrayed, do you?"

"Mmmhmm," Angel closed his eyes and relaxed against his pillow. It was nice to have someone to talk to other than his friends, God bless them all, but he just needed an outsider to talk to. This lady seemed nice enough though. Caring. "I just want it over. I tried to be as good a person as I can be, and now it's like I'm gonna die because of it."

The nurse patted his arm. "You're a good person because that's how God made you, honey. He doesn't want perfection… just that light inside you to keep burning."

Angel yawned. "It doesn't matter."

The lady stood up, realizing she had to get back to her paperwork, and to let this patient get to sleep. She made a mental note to talk to the doctor about maybe getting him a psyche exam done.

After she left, Angel went back to watching television, and as the minutes passed, he found himself becoming more restless and agitated. He hated feeling the way he did, and knew it wasn't right to blame Collins for everything, but that's what he was doing. If Collins hadn't cheated, Angel wouldn't have had to kick his ass out; Collins wouldn't have left and then returned, sending Angel's emotional stability out of control again and none of this shit with Sam and Julian would've happened.

"Bastard," Angel whispered.

The only thing that spared him from launching himself into a silent, mental rampage on Collins was when something on the screen caught his attention. It was a news update. Angel licked his lips, hating the sickly dryness of them from all the medicine he'd be taking and the grossly sterile environment. He reached over for his water when the newsreader started the update – Angel didn't really pay attention and focused solely on getting some liquid into him. But then…

"And also, some late breaking news regarding the recent attack on a patient at Saint Michaels General Hospital—"

Angel looked up. Huh? He had no idea that this had hit the news so quickly.

"In a startling turn of events since last night's airing of a taped confession by one of the alleged attackers on a patient at Saint Michaels Hospital a few days ago," the news reporter read.

"It is being reported that the two men believed to be the ones responsible have in fact been apprehended and taken into police custody. Here is Channel Six reported Andrew Salton with more information."

Then another man, who appeared to be standing outside the hospital, appeared on screen holding a microphone.

"In what has been an embarrassing and tragic time for the staff here at Saint Michaels General Hospital, when an Intensive Care Unit patient was brutally attacked while recovering from injuries sustained in an even earlier attack – his name is being with held for unspecified legal reasons –, it has also been a humiliating episode for the New York Police Department who have since taken massive criticism for failing to respond to a reported earlier attack on the same patient less than a week before. It is believed that the second attack came as a direct result of the first and failure of the police to respond. However it is just now coming through that the two men responsible have been caught as a result of a tip phoned into the police from an anonymous informant. The NYPD have declined to comment on camera, however have confirmed that two suspects are currently being questioned over both attacks."

Angel laid there in stunned silence.

"The patient, who's identity is being kept closely guarded, was initially admitted to the hospital in serious condition after being attacked off Avenue A in the East Village, where the crime rate is high and is a known drug and gang location, and was again subjected to what is believed to be gang-related retribution while still in Intensive Care here at this hospital. The hospital and police have since suffered intensive scrutiny, which has only been furthered when a tape aired of the two alleged men responsible confessing, on the popular late-night show 'Buzzline'. The patient in question is said to be currently in a stable condition after suffering massive blood loss. Again, just repeating, the two men who allegedly are responsible for the two attacks on a patient here at Saint Michaels General Hospital have in fact been taken into police custody. More information will be provided as it comes forth. Back to you in the studio—"

Angel lost all concentration after that, and the news updated continued on, and he remained completely shocked.

Sam and Julian have been caught?

3 HOURS LATER – 3:15 AM

It had taken a bit of legal talk on Joanne's part to the Orderly walking the reception area, to let her and Collins go and visit Angel. Despite him being in Intensive Care, and the visiting hours weren't as strict for him, the orderly still was apprehensive of letting even more visitors into the hospital at such a late (or early!) hour. Finally, he had relented and Collins and Joanne were now on the appropriate floor, heading back to Angel's room. For some reason, Collins was feeling even more nervous, and terrified of how Angel was doing. Each step became heavier – even his own body was in agreement with his mind in that maybe this wasn't the best idea. Joanne had told him that Angel wasn't wanting to see him, but that didn't stop her from insisting that he come back to the hospital anyway. No matter how much Angel would protest, he had to be there. They had to sort this out. And Collins didn't want to leave his side again.

"I really don't think I should –"

"Collins, shut up, you're coming!" Joanne snapped harshly. She didn't drive all the way to Massachusetts and put up bail just for him to back out of seeing Angel now, twenty feet from his door. No way. She didn't need this shit. I know that sounds like a rather selfish perspective, but it was 3:15 AM and she was extremely tired. They both were. It's was a weird feeling for Collins, as he was basically just… afraid of Angel. Afraid of Angel rejecting him again.

Joanne opened the door and peered inside. Everyone was asleep. Except Angel. He looked over at her and his heart almost froze. Joanne. That must mean… Collins.

"Hey, JoJo!" Angel playfully, yet weakly, said.

"Hey, what are you still doing awake?" Joanne replied, still in the doorway, thus preventing Collins from getting in. "Shouldn't you be sleeping or something?"

Angel tried to hide the fact that he had, only hours earlier, discovered some shocking news and didn't want to alarm anyone. He smiled.

"I'm okay. Nothing some Prozac and a manicure wouldn't cure! And the hospital's too stingy for that!"

Joanne laughed, but her smile soon disappeared and she turned serious. "I got someone here. You wanna see him?"

To say that there were butterflies in his stomach would be putting it lightly.

"He… he's back?"

"Yeah sweetie, he's here."

Angel looked around the room at the others, who were still undisturbed by Joanne's (And subsequently Collins') return. It was late. He just found out Sam and Julian (hopefully) had been caught. Too much on his plate. So, he said…

"No."

"You sure?"

"I wanna sleep."

Joanne nodded. "Okay. We'll go get some coffee or whatever. See you tomorrow."

"You know it."

Joanne then closed the door again and turned around to tell Collins, but when she saw the look on his face, she knew he had heard every word. Without so much as speaking one word, she pulled him into an embrace and could feel the shaking of his body as silent sobs overcame his ability to say anything.

"I'm sorry…" she whispered. "He's just tired, you know? He'll be better in the morning, I know—"

"I shouldn't have come back. I shouldn't have left in the process…"

"Collins, don't!" Joanne hissed. "Stop this self-pitying bullshit, okay? I didn't drive for hours on end just for that, okay? Come on sweetie; let's get some coffee or something. There are some things I think you should know…" she took his hand and led him towards the elevator once more. There was a twenty-four hour open café just across the street where they could talk – she would tell him about everything. Mark's footage. Alexi Darling. Buzzline. Everything. It was obvious that neither of them would be getting any sleep even if they tried, so what better time then for her to bring him up to speed and maybe help him with Angel.

"Thanks, Joanne," he whispered as they waited for the elevator.

"It's okay," she replied. "It's okay… no need to thank me. Couldn't leave you stranded in Massachusetts when the people are out for your blood. Although it'd probably make our lives a hell of a lot easier…"

"Gee, thanks!"

"Anytime."

MEANWHILE – NEW YORK POLICE DEPARTMENT, 14TH PRECINCT.

Sam and Julian both sat in the temporary jail cells, having to spend the rest of the night there until morning, when they would both be arraigned for attempted murder – Sam for the first attack on Angel, and Julian for the second. There were also a mountain of drugs and gang-related charges, and Sam was also up for assaulting Julia and Angel, and raping Angel. They were screwed. The police had yet to get a full statement from Angel, but had managed to get ones from both Mark and Julia during the course of their investigation, and they were also very keen to speak to this Tom Collins person, who seemed to be at the centre of it all.

How the cops had found them in the first place they had no idea, and Julian silently vowed to find out once he was free and clear of these 'ridiculous' charges (which he was sure he'd be clear of – no way Angel would testify against him!).

Standard procedure dictated that two or more persons involved with the same crime, or in fact in different crimes, should always held in separate cells so they can't organize the same story, or at least get some sort of idea as to how to distort the truth and lie. Not that it deterred them in lying, but rules were rules, and so that mean that Julian and Sam never had the chance to consort with each other. Whoever ratted them out to save their own skin would be in deep shit once this was all said and done.

Julian laid on his back and stared at the ceiling, thinking of all the things he'd do the asshole who'd put him here, and the thought of actually being found guilty never seriously crossed his mind. That's how arrogant and sure of himself he was and his faith in the criminal justice system – that is, his faith in how absolutely useless it was. It wasn't the first time he'd played the system; it had been a cat-and-mouse type game between him and the law enforcers, so it wasn't as if he was new to this whole process. Sam, however, never dealt with pressure well – as indicated by his earlier actions with Julia. He was over eager in killing her, and now that they had still been caught, it would've made the world of difference if he had killed her. They'd be up for actual murder. The murder of a rich white girl – therefore it was automatic, by society standards, that they'd both get injections. And not the kind they were used to. Julian was the type of person who would blame everyone but himself, and so certainly wasn't the kind to take responsibility for his actions… everything that ever happened to him had to be someone else's fault. This time, that included Sam…

"Dead man," Julian whispered aloud to himself when his friend came into his mind. Him and Julia. Both were already dead as far as Julian was concerned.

He was the picture of evil in a community were good and evil; right and wrong had lost all meaning except to the outsiders who occasionally crossed paths with them. While Sam was often impulsive, Julian was the one who thought things through and only did something when it provided nice benefits to him and him alone. Whatever happened next, he'd make sure that once he beat these nasty charges, there would be a bloody trail left in his wake. He had sat back long enough, and now look where Sam's pathetically incompetent 'leadership' had gotten them both. Sam was still his best friend, and he cared about him, but Julian knew that this was a 'dog eat dog' world, and he would not let himself be thedog who got eaten.

3 HOURS LATER – 6:20 AM SATURDAY

Collins stared at the cup of coffee in front of him on the table in the café, just across the road from the hospital. He knew he had done some pretty bad shit, but he didn't understand why his friends had to be punished for it. None of this, he knew, wouldn't have happened if he had just been honest with Angel to begin with, and now all chances of ever having his life back with them were dashed. For the past three hours he had sat there, listening to Joanne ramble on about Sam and Julian being caught on tape by Mark, the airing of the tape on Buzzline, etc…. but Collins just sat there, stone-faced. He didn't care anymore if Sam and Julian got caught. He didn't care about Buzzline. He didn't care about the police investigation. All he cared about was getting through this mess with some strength left. I know it should seem like he should be foaming at the mouth and wanting to find so he could beat both Sam and Julian into early deaths, but Collins was amazingly calm, quiet, and collected. In fact, he was a little too quiet.

"Collins?"

"Hmm?"

"You okay?"

"Mmm…"

"What is it?"

He looked up. "What?"

"Well, I just basically told you that Sam and Julian are on the run. Everything's turning out good…"

"Is that what you think?"

Joanne was slightly taken aback by his calm, and cold, response. "What'd you—"

"You think it's gonna stop with them getting arrested?" Collins sipped his drink. "You think all these problems with Angel are gonna vanish once their gone? That everything's gonna go back to normal?"

Joanne sat back. He was right. Again. With Sam and Julian getting punished, it wouldn't relieve the pain and damage they've already caused and that Angel was still in a very vulnerable position. Angel and Collins have been torn apart again. The entire group was now at a stage where anything could happen, and they were still yet to find out about Julia's role in all of this – which would surely be seen by Collins as the ultimate act of betrayal, and the guilt that would accompany him for actually being the one to let her meet Angel and a whole other range of emotions. But that was still to come.

"Joanne, Angel's gonna have the scars for the rest of his life… however long that might be. You'd think I'd be happy knowing that Sam and Julian's lives are probably over? It's not like that at all…"

As much as he wanted to, Collins couldn't feel happiness. Or a sense of satisfaction. Definitely not justice. If this was justice, then justice could only be served after a heavy price is paid – and they had paid enough of it alright. He had no faith in it. A new perspective for someone who was tormented to the brink of madness only held back from falling off that edge with Angel's very survival. If Angel had died… they all would've fallen apart.

"I didn't think of it like that," Joanne admitted softly.

"Don't worry. I don't think any of us did," Collins reassured her. "I didn't… not until I heard what Angel just said. Kinda put a whole lot of things into perspective."

"So what are you gonna do?"

"Me?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know. I don't know if there's anything I can do anymore… it's too exhausting…"

"Too exhausting to fight for Angel?"

"At the moment? Yes." He was being brutally honest and Joanne wasn't liking it. "I can only fight for something that he wants too. I can't fight for a relationship only one of us wants. I want more than anything… I need more than anything… to be with him. For us to be together. But I know now that it's Angel's needs that are more important, and I'll never deny him that… ever."

If you think Angel was sounding defeated, this was ten times worse. For so long Collins had been fighting to get his lover back, and so now hearing that both of them were on the verge of giving up was nothing short of… heartbreaking.

"If Angel doesn't want it, I can't force him, Joanne."

"But you two have been fighting for it for so long! Look at all the shit you've both gone through this past week to prove it!" Joanne desperately tried to make him see. "There's love there I don't think any of us could hope to know… not like you guys…"

"That's not true. You and Maureen have it."

Joanne smiled at the mention of Maureen's name, but it was one of sadness. "I doubt it. Maureen isn't the monogamous type. Mark tried to tell me but I had to find out the hard way."

Collins nodded. "I wouldn't take advice from the ex of my lover either. But you two always find your way back to each other, right?"

Realising what he was saying, Joanne's smile widened. "Right. You know, for someone who almost torched a building, you make a lot of sense."

"After what happened tonight, I should hope I do," he agreed. "But in all serious, girl you do have it with Maureen. I've known her along time; it just takes time with her."

"I know."

Collins' calm demeanor even worried himself, but had long since resigned to the notion that Angel may very well now want him out of his life for good. And Collins firmly believed that if you love someone so much you'd do anything for them… then you should be selfless enough to give that person exactly what they want. If it meant getting out of Angel's life, so that Angel could be happy? So be it. It pained him greatly to accept that, but at least now he was willing to make that concession if it need be.

"I still don't see why you won't fight…" Joanne explained her confusion. Collins shrugged and placed the cup back down, and then gazed out the window.

"Of course I'll fight. I'll fight to the death for him! But what I won't do is force Angel into anything else… I can't do that to someone I love. I accepted that they day I fell in love with him... the day we met..."

Joanne crossed her arms over her chest. "You love him so much that you'd leave him if he told you to?"

"Exactly. That's just it, Jo, I'd do anything for him… and I'll fight for as long as he wants us to. But if he feels he's better off without me, then… as much as it hurts me, I'd do it. Fuck, I'd do anything for him. If he told me to go find life on Mars, I wouldn't stop until I did. And tonight and when I heard him speak… for that first time, tonight… that he didn't want to see me; that was it. I realised how badly I've hurt him, and how none of this would've happened if it wasn't for me!"

"Collins—"

"Don't deny it, Jo, you know it's true. And I gotta make this right for him, and…" he met her eyes. "For all of you."

"Let us be the judge of that," Joanne told him. "Us, including Angel. You need to fight for what you want."

"I can't fight for something Angel doesn't want. And I can't force him to love me… I can't force him to take me back. I can't force him to be the person he was… it was me sleeping around in the first place that start it for him… when he began to lose himself, and that's something I need to live with, and… I'm not sure I can."

It was hard enough for her and everyone see both Collins and Angel fighting an uphill battle to be together, but the odds they were facing were getting worse. That's what they were both realising now, and both were realising that they were only human… that they only had so much strength, and that there was only so much they could do.

"Angel loves you… but he wants to know from you that's he's protected! He can't take more heartbreak, Collins, you know that!"

"That's why it's up to him now. I'll talk to him," he said. "And I'll accept whatever decision he makes." The pain of it all brought up more tears… it seems like all he had been doing now when he thought of Angel was cry, and who could blame him? He didn't care what Sam and Julian did now… whether they escaped, or were convicted. He didn't care about any of it… he just wanted his life back. He wanted his friends back. He wanted Angel back. Collins understood what she was saying, about fighting for love… that the love had to be worth all of these tears, and all of Angel's bloodshed. If he left now, what would that say to Angel?

"I'm not leaving. And I've never loved anyone like I do Angel… he's my best friend… him being in my arms is the best feeling I've ever had. Those kisses. Those eyes. Everything…" he kind of drifted off into his own thoughts, visualizing a perfectly healthy Angel being with him again, in as much love as they had ever been. What he wouldn't give for that. A tear dropped onto his hand.

He and Joanne stood up after paying for their coffee, and headed outside, where the sun had just come up. Both of them looked like hell, though weren't concerned.

"He loves you, Tom…"

"I know he does. But he's the only one who can see that… I can't make him."

"Don't let him go."

He smiled warmly, now more than ever ready to accept Angel's decision. "Never."

AUTHOR'S NOTES: in the next chapter, Angel makes an impassioned plea to his lover. Julia confesses everything, straight to Collins' face. Also be warned, before the end of this story I plan for two deaths. Just giving you fair warning now!