DESTROYED
Chapter 27
SUMMARY: This is probably going to be the emotional climax between Angel and Collins, and it's gonna be pretty harsh that's just a warning. Okay, after Collins is treated for his self-inflicted injury, he reluctantly returns to Angel's room to 'face the music' so to speak – to come face to face with his lover. I'm sure y'all are ready to know what Angel says to Collins, but HAHAHAHA you're just gonna have to wait – it's at the end of the chapter. Tissues ready. Also, Maureen finds Julia in the emergency department of the hospital.
NOTE: I know I've said that this story is reaching its conclusion, but I've recently come up with several more ideas so it would be unfair of me to say either way right now.
WARNING: The end of this chapter is major sappiness towards the end. Seriously. It's SAPPY. You have been warned.
Maureen and Roger had left to go get some food almost half an hour earlier and now Mimi was sitting on Angel's bed, talking about the latest pair of boots she was obsessing over and hoped to get with the tips she made at the Cat Scratch Club, while Mark and Joanne were both still sleeping. It was now 8:45 AM, and Angel couldn't help but wonder why Collins wasn't there… when he woke up and saw Joanne, he naturally assumed that Collins was with her, but as it turns out, he wasn't. Roger, before he and Maureen left, promised to be on the lookout for their friend though wasn't particularly concerned. Knowing Collins' history, it wasn't hard to deduce that he had simply gone of on his own, although given the current circumstances; it was weird how none of them showed any extra concern given his emotional distress. Combine the personality of an anarchist with an emotionally turbulent situation or multiple situations, and the consequences could be explosive.
Angel, still feeling the heavy effects of just waking up from a deep sleep, paid Mimi as much attention as he could, though found himself becoming more and more distracted with each second that elapsed when Collins wasn't here. If given the choice of whether or not to see him, he'd probably opt to not see the man who broke his heart over and over again, sometimes without knowing he was doing it… but not knowing where he was at all was equally troubling. Despite all their problems, Angel couldn't stop loving him as much as he had tried over the previous three months, and that was the price he paid for giving Collins everything. A part of him still wasn't even sure if he wanted to leave him, but it was coming down to a case of having to do what was best for him self.
"Ang?"
"Hmm?" he snapped back to reality upon hearing Mimi say his name. He looked up and met her eyes which had suddenly changed from light to concern within a matter of seconds. She knew something was up – and she knew what… or who… it was.
"Sweetie, you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good," he reassured her with a charming smile. "Go on…"
But as much as he tried to hide it, even Mimi could see through the obvious attempt to hide whatever was bothering him.
"Angel, come on! You know you can talk to me!" she urged. "You need to talk to him, you know…"
"I don't have anything to say to him," Angel lied, snapping at her with a touch of vindictiveness and bitterness. Truth was, he had PLENTY to say to Collins, and most of it wasn't good at all – Angel felt betrayed by him on more than one occasion, in rapid succession, and not even he could withstand that level of pain anymore. For so long, it seemed to them like Angel was a real angel… unaffected by all the evil and hatred in the world. But now it was so obvious that he too was human, and that there was only so much that he could take before finally succumbing to said pain. Mimi wasn't oblivious.
"No, I think you do!" she insisted, holding his hand. "Though I'm not sure he'd wanna hear it…"
"He couldn't even hang around long enough!" Angel choked up, though tried to rationalize his anger.
"He's not who I thought he was…"
"Baby, he's hurting—"
"And I'm not!" Angel's voice rose to a mixture of panic and anger. "You think I like this all the same!"
"Angel, I didn't say—"
"You didn't have to! You're not the one who's gotta lie here every day and have nothing to do but remember how I got here! You don't have to do any of that, Mimi!"
"No," she agreed, slowly. He was right… she couldn't imagine what it was like to be trapped and restricted by her own body, left to think about why it happened in the first place. "I don't pretend to know anything, Angel. I guess we're all just left to try making sense of it all.
"Nothing about it makes sense. NOTHING!"
To see Angel, of all people, losing hope and faith in life was a heartbreaking scene, and Mimi wasn't exactly the best person to try talking some sense into him. Everything was happening so fast that it wasn't making any sense, and it wasn't getting any easier… as time went on, Angel still couldn't be consoled and there was nothing she or any of them could do.
"Ang, we all love you," was all she could reply with. "And Collins loves you. He's just gotta deal with it in his own way, you know? He's feeling really guilty, baby…"
"So he should!" Angel hissed. "He can rot in hell for all I care!"
MEANWHILE, WITH ROGER AND MAUREEN
Sitting in the café, Roger stared out across the room at the families and other visitors to the sick and dying. The reality of just how depressing this place was hit him hard, and the idea that nothing would ever be the same whether Angel lived or died in this place was never more terrifying than it was now. What happened with Angel would ultimately decide what happened to this family of friends, and how they would relate to each other again. Angel was the force that brought them all together and so that understandably meant that what happened to him would resonate forever with the rest of them.
Maureen sat across from him, uncomfortable with the silence that was overwhelmingly screaming in her ears… she wasn't used to this at all. For the first time since she could remember, she wasn't the centre of attention nor could she ask for it. As selfish and materialistic as she could be, she wasn't a cold-hearted, careless bitch like sometimes she may seem to be. Especially since this was Angel… she adored him with every ounce of strength in her. For once, in her mind, the world didn't resolve around herself… her drama queen persona was nothing more than a façade, and this past week had forced her to reevaluate who she was – and what… and who… she valued most. Her friends… they were her family. And it would destroy her should this family fall apart. It would destroy them all. And the fact remains that it was now Angel's decision as to whether or not the family would remain together and strong…
"Thinking hard?" Roger broke the silence, idly stirring his coffee with a teaspoon. Maureen shrugged, sadly.
"Me? Thinking hard? What? Are you insane?" she weakly joked. Everything was so confusing for her now, and it wasn't hard to see that all of them had changed dramatically due to these recent horrific events.
"Wanna talk about it?" Roger offered.
"Not really. Not much to talk about…"
He eyed her cautiously and tried to pin down exactly what was bothering her. Roger sat up straight.
"He'll be back, Maureen. He's got too much to lose here to let it go."
"Yeah, well he was willing to let it go before," Maureen replied, agitated and visibly hurt by Collins' sudden departure before she even got a chance to see him. "Don't know why he'd change now…"
"Come on, that isn't fair…"
"No it isn't, Roger!" she angrily retorted, frustrated now more than anything. "It isn't fair that he'd cheat on Angel and leave us all without warning. It isn't fair that he just suddenly come back into our lives and screw everything up again – Angel's in hospital and he isn't here! He doesn't even have the balls to face him, or us, now after having left again. You're right! It's not fucking fair!" she was on the verge of working herself up into tears and covered her face with her hands. This shit was just too much for even Maureen to deal with. Seeing her distress, Roger abandoned his coffee and jumped up, rushing to her side and kneeling down next to her.
"Shit, I'm sorry, Maureen…" he apologised and pulled her into a warm hug. Maureen wasn't in a position to push him away, and accepted the gesture, flinging her arms around his neck and sobbing into his leather jacket.
"Come on, girl… it'll be okay…" Roger wasn't sure if he was lying or not, but knew those words of comfort would just fall on deaf ears. But what else could he say? He wasn't very good at this comforting stuff… that was more Mimi's or especially Angel's main talent.
"It's just too fucking much!" she cried. "It's like none of us are the same anymore, and it's scaring me!"
Can't argue with that… he thought, but dared not say aloud. They had changed under circumstances that had forced them all to change, and it was now so bad that he wasn't sure if any of them could be the same after this.
"Don't know what I can tell ya," he admitted. "What do you want me to say?"
"I dunno… just don't lie about it. It's not gonna be okay, is it?"
He sighed. "I don't know. I can't say. Just gotta wait now…"
Roger pulled back so he could see her properly, and for the first time in… well, forever, he saw real pain and confusion in Maureen's eyes. That's how badly things had gotten now, and he'd be damned if he let it continue. So, impulsively, he stood up.
"Where you going?" she asked, wiping her eyes with her sleeve.
"Stay here," he instructed. "I'm gonna go find him…"
"I'll come—"
"No, this is something I'll do. Just wait here, he can't have gone far…"
Maureen bit her lip and wondered what to do. She didn't wanna stay here alone. "I'll go back," she said. "See how Angel's doin' and stuff…"
Roger nodded and helped her to her feet. "You gonna be okay? Want me to come with you?"
"No I'm good. You go find that asshole and bring him back to us, okay?"
A few minutes later, Roger and Maureen parted ways after leaving the small café, heading in opposite directions. Where Collins could be, he had no idea, but for his sake he better not have left hospital grounds. No matter how much pain he was going through, nothing would excuse him for not being there for Angel now and Roger could feel himself getting angrier by the second. Joanne had returned, but not Collins? It wasn't hard to figure out that he must've taken off again, and once again he probably didn't want to be found.
After making sure that Maureen was okay, Roger turned and started walking down the hall. Where to begin looking…
WITH MAUREEN
She decided to take a walk by herself before heading back to see her friends. This was the first time in what seemed like a lifetime where she just got to hang by herself and be alone with her own thoughts… maybe she could make sense of some of the things without her friends around to confuse her.
Maureen absentmindedly twirled her hair around her fingers, slowly walking and watching the medical personnel go about doing their own thing, not paying her much attention at all. The intensity that came with working in hospitals must be so intense, she thought. She could never do it. Firstly she was too self-absorbed, and secondly she hated the site of blood, and also the smell of hospitals… the smell of death mixed with life and anesthesia.
She continued walking, immersed in her own troubles and didn't notice that she had just arrived in the emergency department. The sudden increase in traffic and noise volume brought her back to reality and she stared at what was going on around her.
"Eww, gross!" she muttered upon seeing a man, bleeding heavily from his head, was wheeled straight past her and into what looked to be like a restricted area for medical personnel. In the main area, she watched a woman crying hysterically in a man's arms before sinking to the floor in grief. Across from them, a young woman was holding a child who looked to be no older than three or four, screaming in pain while the lady held a cloth to the child's head. It was an intense place to be, and hearing crying and screams of pain, while medical staff rushed to meet the needs of patients, and be as attentive as possible, was a surreal sight for someone like Maureen who always saw life for how she thought it was meant to be – fun and carefree.
"God…" she whispered, seeing a child of maybe ten years old being taken out of an ambulance. Immediately Maureen felt queasy and distressed when seeing the white blanket the girl was covered in being stained red. So much blood…
Wandering aimlessly forward, Maureen felt confused and definitely depressed at what she saw. It kind of put a lot into perspective for her. A lot of these people here were dying or were on the edge of death. Angel had a better chance at living than some of these people – some of these children – but to think that a week earlier he had been brought here in under the same circumstances… as bad as it sounds, Maureen was glad she wasn't here for that.
It was only moments later, as she stared around the ER, that her eyes came to rest on a familiar person. Her jaw dropped. Julia was standing with a doctor, with a cast on her arm, her nose taped up and several large, swollen cuts and bruises on her face. What the hell happened to her?
Finally finding the strength to overcome the initial shock, Maureen started walking over to her. What was with everyone getting beat up like this? First Angel – twice – and now Julia? Was Collins a magnet for violence or something? Of course, none of them – Maureen, Roger, Mark, Joanne, or Mimi knew that Sam and Julian had in fact been caught and so therefore couldn't conclude that they had anything to do with the injuries Julia had sustained. Who the hell did she mess with? Maureen wondered, stepping around a plastic chair and around several people and it was then when Julia noticed someone approaching her and the doctor out of the corner of her eye.
Shit! Maureen…
"Hey," she greeted, managing a small, fake smile. She can't know… Please, God tell me she doesn't know…
But the look on Maureen's face bore more confusion and even concern, than anger.
"What the fuck happened to you!" typical Maureen-type greeting.
"Excuse me?" the doctor looked between the patient and the woman who just walked up to them.
"It's okay, she's a friend," Julia explained.
"Oh, well okay. Well, here's the prescription," he handed Julia a small, folded up piece of paper. "It's a good pain manager and it's cheap. You can check into the pharmacy down the hall there. And make an appointment with your doctor for a check up, or if anything's wrong, don't hesitate to get back here, okay?"
Julia nodded, indicating that she understood his instructions and the doctor then quickly excused himself, leaving the two women to each other. Maureen crossed her arms.
"So what happened?" she repeated. Julia started to walk, but winced in pain and let out a sharp gasp.
"What?"
"Do I gotta spell it out for you!"
Maureen let Julia hold onto her arm for support as they moved over to a couple of free seats nearby. After she helped Julia sit, Maureen sat next to her.
"Nothing, I just… fell..." Julia covered.
Is that the best she's got? Maureen thought.
"Honey, I'm a drama queen and I know bullshit when I hear it,"Maureen rolled her eyes. "Come on. Out with it."
Julia's bottom lip quivered, and she wanted to see Collins so badly. Everything was just about to burst out of her – she wanted to confess all her dirty sins, but was afraid. Afraid of what they would do to her… afraid of losing Collins, a dear friend. Afraid of going to jail. Afraid of the consequences of her actions… she never wanted things to get this bad for them, and Samuel promised her they wouldn't. And now she bore the physical consequences of her hesitance… for even making such a deal with him and Julian. For selling out. For betraying her friend and his lover. And now, Julia was afraid that if she lied here to Maureen, then she'd be stuck with her inner turmoil forever, and if she confessed the truth about her injuries, she'd be forced to reveal everything…
Maureen saw the hesitance and knew almost right away that something was wrong. She became suspicious.
"What is it? What happened? Who did this, honey?"
STOP WITH THE FUCKING QUESTIONS! Julia wanted to scream, and just get away from there. She had been hoping that she could get out of the hospital without being noticed, and it was just her luck that she would happen to run into Maureen or any of them just as she was about to leave. This was something she couldn't hide from forever. She shook her head. She wouldn't say…
"I got mugged," she lied again, instantly regretting it.
Still cautious as to the validity of that, Maureen inspected her injuries more carefully. Sure, they could be sustained during a mugging… but there was something else. Something not quite right about Julia's demeanor; she seemed agitated like she just wanted to get away from there as quickly as possible.
Julia cradled her broken arm and looked at Maureen with tears stinging her eyes.
"It's nothing. Forget it. I just wanna go home…"
Maureen sighed. She wasn't gonna get a straight answer. "Have you seen Collins yet?" she asked.
Julia shook her head and was grateful for the change of subject. "Not since before he left for Mass. Why? Is he back yet?"
"He is, but he disappeared again before we woke up. Roger's looking for him now."
"Why'd he run?"
"Because he's a fucking bastard that's why," Maureen snapped, brushing some hair from her face. "He doesn't wanna face Angel, I guess."
"It's that bad?"
"Hell yes."
That obviously wasn't the news Julia wanted or needed to hear – she thought things were going to be okay between Angel and Collins now, and now to get the news that things were falling apart even quicker, it only added to the guilt she was feeling and it was like carrying two ton weights around on her shoulders. Sooner or later, her strength would fail her and she'd collapse… she'd confess it all and probably not under the circumstances she'd like to.
"You sure you don't wanna tell me what happened?" Maureen tried again.
"I did tell you—"
"Hey, I may be a lot of things, but I ain't stupid. But you don't wanna tell me? That's cool. But don't leave at least without seeing Collins again. He wants to see you, I know that much."
Julia took a deep breath and closed her eyes, praying that the dizziness would end soon and that she could just go home. She didn't belong here… as much as this place and these people fascinated her for so long, she realised just how hard it was. How scary it was.
"I can't—"
"Just come on! Please? It'd mean a lot to him. And Angel."
Great, Julia thought bitterly. Another guilt trip. I don't need one…
"Fine," she relented. "Help me up. But I do gotta go…"
"I understand," Maureen replied, hoping that this delay in her leaving would give hints as to what she was hiding. "Come on."
She stood up and turned back to help Julia too her feet. After muttering a small 'thank you', Julia looked at her watch. 9:15 AM. Hopefully she'd be out of there by at the most 9:30, Collins or no Collins.
WITH ROGER
The two men stared at each other, one looking guiltier than the other. Collins was nursing a broken wrist and a broken finger from when he slammed his hand into the ground, standing just outside the hospital entrance. He wasn't in the mood for a lecture from Roger. It hadn't taken long for the musician to find his depressed friend, however the mood wasn't exactly cheery when they greeted each other. There were a lot of built up hostilities and anger between them, both for different reasons.
"So let me get this straight…" Roger tried to comprehend what Collins just told him about the speech and almost setting fire to the building. "You almost burnt the place down, got arrested, Joanne bailed you out, you come back here only to learn about Angel waking up and speaking, and Joanne telling you about the tape, you go back to the hospital only to find that Angel doesn't wanna see you and then you had a nervous breakdown and you broke your own hand?"
"Pretty much," Collins replied, nonchalantly. "So these past few days have been especially shitting, Rog. I don't need you making it worse."
"Well you gotta go back, man. Angel's looking for you."
"He is?"
"Yeah. He's still pissed, but I think you two need to talk…"
Collins leaned against the wall and stared straight ahead of him – people walking along the sidewalk, cars zooming by. The freshness of the morning air was basically nonexistent in this city, or at least this part of the city. He looked at his friend.
"I'm prepared for whatever Angel wants to say… I'll accept it. But it's just not that easy, you know?"
"I know."
"I love him so much that it's hard for me to take that next step to learning that he possibly never wants to see me again. It's just hard."
Roger sat on a nearby bench and stretched out his legs and didn't know what to say to that. He could sit there and tell Collins what he wanted to know, or he could tell him the truth that he was probably right. Either way it put him in a position he never wanted nor intended to be in.
"Even seeing Sam and Julian getting their asses busted on T.V. didn't help…" Collins added.
"WHAT!" Roger cried out, totally surprised. Sam and Julian were caught already? He knew that the tape meant they probably would get caught, but he had no idea that it had already happened. Collins was slightly shocked too, at the intense reaction from Roger. He didn't know?
"Happened last night, I think," he explained slowly. "It's been all over the television."
Roger stared at the ground and made a huge attempt to comprehend what he had just been told. No way, he thought. It couldn't have been that easy! He stood up and started pacing back and forth in front of Collins, rubbing the sides of his head with his fingers. Collins was slightly amused at this reaction, though remained calm.
"Fuck…" Roger muttered. "That's insane…"
"No kidding. Those two never get caught for anything! They said it was an anonymous tipster who told the cops of where they were hiding or something," Collins further added. "Its deep shit, I know!"
"I'd have thought you'd be ecstatic over this!" Roger was even more confused as to why Collins was still so sad and depressed… why he was so reserved over something that could only be seen as a good thing. Collins' calm demeanor faded for a brief moment and became more serious. That very statement caused trouble for him, because it just reaffirmed in his mind that no matter how much love there was between him, Angel and their friends, they just didn't understand it. They were all now jumping to Angel's side, and Collins could even see now, on Roger's face, the resentment the musician held for him. That statement just proved him right even more.
"Of course it's good news," he quietly said. "But it's too late now. It doesn't make one fucking bit of difference anymore! Don't you get it! I screwed up my life, Angel's life – Angel almost died because of me!" he brushed away the tears and swallowed the lump in his throat. He was sick of crying.
"I almost killed the one person I love more than anything! Do you honestly think I care what happens with Sam and Julian now! Whether they go to jail or walk free! I destroyed EVERYTHING and EVERYONE I love, and no matter what happens to them, I can't change what I did! This was NEVER about them, Roger! Never! So it doesn't make one damn difference to me!" he stared down at the plaster that was basically holding the broken bones together, while Roger suddenly felt some sense of guilt for not being as understanding. But then again, this is Roger Davis we're talking about. Being understanding was never one of his best qualities, was it? Collin pursed his lips. Sudden outbursts like this wasn't uncommon for him anymore, and it wasn't as if Roger's question really was a bad one – it's one I bet all of us thought at, at one stage or another. After all, Sam and Julian getting their asses hauled off to jail was what we all wanted. But Collins waited a few more moments so he could calm down, and then he turned back to Roger.
"I'm sorry, man. I am. But you gotta know… I've done so much already. You ask me why I'm so scared to go see Angel, and there's your answer. What the hell can I say to him that can make any of this better? This was never about Sam and Julian… I wanna kill them, but not for the reasons you think," he sighed sadly. "It's not that simple. There are things that I've done… that can't be fixed…"
"Running away ain't gonna help, buddy. You know that," Roger reasoned. "I don't think things are over between you and Angel. Even if they are, you gotta at least try to make sure they end right. Yeah, you fucked up but you can't keep punishing yourself for it… it's over with. Stop looking back. Just focus on trying to make sure it doesn't happen again…"
"It's hard when all I've done is hurt you all. I'm scared… I'm fucking terrified that I'll do it again… Joanne told me Angel is losing his will to live. Angel! Can you believe that? I've made him like that, and I gotta take responsibility for it…"
Roger approached him and put his hand on Collins' shoulder. He wanted the man to know that no matter what happened, he'd always be there to have his back. Without having to say it, he knew Collins understood.
"You have. And I'm proud of ya for doing it. We all are. But don't walk out again… that always seems to be where you screw up..."
The two men seemed to be connecting the way they used to, and Collins was debating the pros and cons of going back to see Angel. If this was the end of them, he'd at least want it to be done the right way, as Roger said, and not because of him running away from his fears again. The probability, for him, that Angel would forgive him was next to nothing – if the roles were reversed, he'd like to think he'd forgive Angel but wasn't sure of that happening. Anyway, Angel would never be as stupid and reckless as he was so that type of comparison was moot anyway… it bore no answer that made sense.
"I take it the others don't know that Sam and Julian are caught? Including Angel?"
"I assume so…"
There wasn't much choice that he had – Collins had to go back. He had to make this right even if it meant facing his fears of losing Angel. It just seemed that as long as he didn't have to face it, then he and Angel were still together and in love… but with the reality proving the negative of that, he had no choice.
"It could get messy," he warned. "I mean, between me and Angel. I honestly don't know what he's gonna say…"
Roger smiled sympathetically. "You and me both. But it's gotta be done."
Collins didn't know how to express to his friend just how much he appreciated him – no matter how much Roger blamed him or resented him, he'd always have his back no matter what. Roger was loyal to the end and would never abandon his friends especially when they needed him most. Collins shook his head, not looking to what was going to have to come… but Roger was right. It's gotta be done.
15 MINUTES LATER
After a few more minutes of talking the two men slowly started into the hospital, with Collins dreading each step he took. So many mistakes he made during the past three and a half months that he didn't know who he was anymore, and of course he still didn't know about Julia's role in all of this… but worse things are yet to come, my friends. Muahaha! This isn't the last of the troubles for our family. It was like they were living in this damn hospital now, and it had been a while since any of them had been back to the loft. The sooner Angel recovered, the better for all of them… Roger was at least somewhat grateful that the tubes and medication would keep Angel from launching an all-out physical attack on Collins, like he did that first night they saw each other again.
Standing in the elevator, Collins nervously drummed his fingers on the metal railing, holding onto it for dear life. Roger watched him and his body language, getting the idea of how difficult this actually must be…
"You two lasted this long together…" he spoke up. "That's gotta mean something." He was trying to be as supportive as he would allow himself to be… this was up to them. The group was so close that if any of them fell apart, it would affect them all.
"You two love each other."
Collins kicked at the floor. "Sometimes love isn't enough."
Roger knew exactly what he meant, having had that same thing in mind last year when he was having his problems with Mimi. They managed to work things out against all odds, so it was just totally wrong if two lovers such as Angel and Collins couldn't get through this… although, Roger and Mimi never had an insane ex to deal with and one of them almost getting murdered twice in one week, after the other one had cheated on the other with said ex.
A few seconds later, they arrived at the appropriate floor and the doors opened – Roger stepped out first, but turned around when he saw Collins still practically glued to the hand rail. Rolling his eyes, he stepped across the elevator threshold so the doors couldn't close, and gave him a 'I-know-this-is-hard-but-if-you-don't-hurry-up-I'm-gonna-beat-your-ass' kind of look, but still Collins didn't move. He was terrified. Not just with facing Angel, but facing all of those who meant most to him – the ones he had abandoned and hurt… he didn't want to face their accusing eyes.
"Collins?" Roger said with concern. "Tom? Man, come on… you can do this. You have to."
"I… can't face them," Collins whispered, sinking further back against the elevator wall. He pressed himself firmly against it like there was no way he was gonna move. "This is too much, Rog. Too fucking much."
"And it'll be too much for any of them, including me, to handle if you decide to back out and run now. All you've ever done to Angel these past few months is run… he might very well do and say what you fear most, bro…" his tone softened. "But if you stay… if you prove to Angel that you're not running away from him again; that he means enough to you that'd you face whatever it is that scares you… that you'd face even more pain for him… if you give him just that much credit, I think he'll see it for what it's worth. Even if he does toss your ass out. You owe him that much, and you know it. If you stay… then things can be done the right way. And you told me that you wanted to make things right… and here's your chance," he paused. "Probably the last chance you'll ever get to prove how much Angel – and all of them – just how much they mean to you. I can't and won't force you to get out of the elevator. You're the only one who can do that, and I just hope you know that whatever Angel does decide… it'll all depend on whether you actually turn up to face him. That's all he wants… is for you to look in his eyes again without having to lie, or make promises you won't or can't keep... that's all."
That was about as sensitive as Roger usually got, so Collins had to take it for what it was worth as being very serious and very truthful.
"Okay," he mumbled. He hated to admit when Roger was right, so usually he didn't. "You win. Let's go."
He stepped off the elevator and Roger also stepped off, finally allowing the doors to close behind them. The two friends looked at each other.
"You good?"
"No. But let's get this done."
Roger was the first to round the corner and frowned when he saw everyone sitting outside of the room. Mimi, Joanne, Mark, Maureen, and Julia were all there. Collins followed behind him and stopped. Julia looked like she had gotten into one heck of a good fight, and only one name came to mind – there was no one else who would have reason to hurt her…
"Fuck…" he started jogging towards them, and Mimi was the first to notice his return.
"COLLINS!" she exclaimed and jumped to her feet. When he reached them, she leapt into his arms and planted a kiss on his cheek. Mark also stood up and Julia felt like she just wanted to disappear… she and Mark didn't so much as look at each other when she returned. Maureen also rushed to Collins.
"Sweetie we missed you!" both she and Mimi clung to him, almost forcing the teacher off his feet. Usually he wouldn't mind it and greet them happily, but he was in too dark of a mood to be responsive. Right now, he just returned their hugs while still staring at Julia.
"Hey guys," he said, but let go of them. "Julia, what happened!" he rushed to her and pulled her into a hug. The 22-year-old beauty did everything in her power to not cry.
"I just had an accident," she whispered, returning the hug. "I'm sorry…"
"For what, baby?" he stroked her cheek with the back of his hand. "For what?"
"Never mind. I'm okay. I promise."
"Collins, where the hell were you?" Mark demanded. "You ran off again?"
"I needed time to myself," Collins defended himself. He didn't need Mark starting shit now, and he damn sure wasn't about to let him try.
"What happened to your hand!" Maureen panicked, lifting up his cast gently. "What'd you do?"
"I had… an accident, too." Collins told her and didn't want them to start up. He was already wound up tight enough, if he was pushed any further he might snap and back out entirely.
"We've missed you," Mimi echoed Maureen's words, sadly. Collins turned back to her and saw the disappointed, saddened eyes that tore him up. Mimi was only just into her twenties now… barely Julia's age. She was only nineteen when he and everyone met her, and she had since come along way… but she still had that naivety and dark innocence to her that made them all fall in love with her to begin with. To see her, especially, hurting, was truly heart-wrenching. "Why didn't you call?"
He walked back to her and put his hands on her shoulders, and she stared up at him like a child would do with a parent or an adult if he or she was seeking some reassurance or protection… like a child lost.
"I'm sorry," he told her, and only her. "I never meant to hurt you, Mims. You know that, right?"
"I know," she sniffed. "Just don't leave again, k? I don't think I could take it. I don't think Angel could take it." The two of them hugged and Mimi placed her head on his chest, crying just a little – she truly loved Collins and looked up to him, like a sister did with an older brother. He was always there for her when she had her rough patches with Roger and the thought of losing Angel was painful enough without having to entertain the idea that Collins too could go. Collins' heart flipped. And in a snap decision, he replied…
"I'm going no where, Mims. Ever again. I…" he hesitated. "I promise you." He then pulled back enough so he could look in her eyes. "I promise you. Okay?"
Satisfied with his answer, Mimi nodded and Roger wrapped his strong arms around her small waist, kissing the back of her neck as she let Collins go.
"I don't get it," Collins commented, looking around at everyone. "Why are y'all out here? I thought you'd—"
"Angel wanted to be alone," Mark quickly answered. "Said he needed to think. Can't say I blame him either."
"Go in," Joanne urged. "If he wants to see anyone, it's you."
"He wants to see me?"
She shrugged. "Well, needs to. Go make this right, Tom."
All of them stared at the screwed up professor expectantly. This was the time whether he would really face his fears, or turn and run again. Needless to say that he preferred the latter… but you know what they say – the right decision isn't necessarily the easiest one to make. So, he turned around to face Angel's closed door and stared at it for a few seconds, at the nameplate. He could feel six pairs of eyes burning into the back of his head and he bit his lip. Why the hell is this so hard? What's wrong with you! His conscience was now scolding him instead of taunting him. Why are you suddenly so afraid of Angel? The one you love!
Collins took a deep breath and stepped forward, not being able to answer any of his own questions. He didn't know why he was suddenly so scared of Angel. He turned the doorknob and opened the door just enough so he could see in. Angel was awake and staring up at the television with an amusing look of confusion on his face, and Collins could see a very small smile. The first smile he had seen on Angel for what felt like a long time. Hearing the door opening, Angel's attention was broken away from the television, and his eyes widened when he saw who was staring at him. Immediately, without having a chance to stop himself, Angel felt the sudden desire and attraction for the man, which he felt for so long and couldn't get rid of. Collins then stepped into the room and closed the door behind him.
Fuck he looks so damn hot…Angel thought.
"Hey," Collins whispered meekly.
"Hey," Angel also said with softness. Wow this was awkward, and wasn't gonna be at all pretty. For the next few minutes all they could do was stare at each other, both too afraid to say anything. Collins then decided to take the first step.
"You're looking so much better," he commented. "How you holding up?"
"Can't complain," Angel replied. "Seen better days, but at least I'm alive." He said the last part with a touch of sardonic amusement, like he believed that it was a crazy notion that he was still breathing let alone talking. It didn't go by Collins unnoticed. "You?"
"Torture. But, um… getting through it." Fuck this was so hard. Collins shifted on the spot uncomfortably, shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at the floor. Angel also looked away. Both knew that it was gonna come to this sooner or later, and both wished that it was later that it had come, but they had no choice now.
"It's amazing that you're talking again so soon after—" Collins couldn't bring himself to say it and still, even as he worked up the courage to look at the love of his life again, Angel found it too painful to stare into those beautiful dark brown eyes that had captured his heart. "It's great you're doing better."
"I guess God thinks I still have a purpose here."
"Perhaps," Collins agreed. "I don't know…"
Another awkward moment.
"You can sit down you know," Angel weakly gestured to the chair next to his bed and Collins accepted the offer. As he sat down, Angel noticed the cast on his hand. "What happened?"
"This?" Collins looked at his cast too. Should he tell him the truth? Well… no more lies. Lying is what got them to this position now. Unable to keep control of the shaking, he closed his eyes. "Guilt. A lot of it."
Angel nodded, understanding. "I see. You gonna be okay?"
"Do you care?"
"What?"
Uh-oh. Here we go. Collins shook his head. "Does it matter?"
"Honestly, no," Angel spitefully admitted. "I was just trying to make conversation. But maybe we should just get this over with, as it's totally clear that you don't wanna be here…"
"Angel that's not it!" Collins insisted, both hearing the desperation. "That's not it at all! I was scared… terrified…"
"Of what?"
"Of you!"
"Me!"
"Yeah!" Collins felt like he was digging a deeper hole for himself with each defending word. He held his head in his hands and Angel saw his body shaking with silent sobs. When Collins finally looked up again, tears had again slipped down his face, though Angel held no sympathy… not at the moment. He was too pissed off. "Angel, it's not that… I wanted to see you…"
"Not what you said two days ago," Angel snapped, him self crying. Things were coming out now that would ultimately decide their fate together. Nothing, he believed, that Collins said would make him feel an ounce of sympathy and so no matter how much he cried or begged, this was it. The end. "I'm sure you had more important things to do at MIT, right?"
"Angel that's not fair!"
"No," Angel interrupted and winced at the sharp pain in his throat. "I'll tell you what's not fair. It's not fair when the man I love keeps leaving me and I just get hurt… each time… and then you can't even have the guts to turn up here without Roger having to go get you?"
Collins raised his eyebrows. "How'd you—"
"It wasn't hard to figure out…"
"Angel, please!" Collins pleaded and wanted to get his side across before Angel made any snap decisions about them, though already had the feeling he had made up his mind. "Baby, don't do this. You don't think I know how much I fucked up? I shouldn't be here! Because every time I come here, someone ends up getting hurt! Julia, I see, looks like she's just got her head smashed against a wall or something! And you know who I think did it…"
"Sam and Julian are in jail…"
"I know!" Collins cried, exasperated. "Fucking hell, Angel, I know! But who else would have a reason to hurt her? That is, of course, unless they didn't…" he stood up and paced the room a bit, with Angel watching his every step. "What do you want me to say?" he whispered, looking back at Angel. "Just tell me what to do."
Angel looked away again and his lip began to quiver… each time his chest rose and fell with each breath, his whole body shook with a loss of control. Dammit, Collins did this to him each and every time! He closed his eyes and let out a couple of cries… this wasn't the type of dilemma he had pictured him and Collins having.
"I," he breathed. "Don't want you to do anything… I don't want you to say anything, baby. Everything's been done and said and things can't make things worse. Because," he opened eyes, wanting to see those eyes again as he said this next bit. "There's nothing worse than losing love. Nothing."
Collins' heart shattered right there and then, even though he had prepared himself as best he could for this type of answer. I guess a little part of him always believed that Angel wouldn't actually go through with it… that Joanne and Roger had been right in their saying that the two of them had been through so much together that there was no way either would give up without one last fight. He sank down into another chair and burst into tears, putting his head in hands again and crying openly… everything he had done – everything bad he had done – had served no other purpose than to destroy Angel's life.
You had it coming… his conscience taunted again. He can't love someone who keeps hurting him! You're nothing!
Angel slowly softened to what he was seeing, and hated himself for doing it, but he had no choice anymore.
"I hate what you did to all of us, Tom. Not just me, but them too! Mark risked his life for me, and I can't get over that!" suddenly he wished he had some meds that could make him sleep or whatever, as it was like a never-ending nightmare he was stuck in. "I hate this! I hate all of it! And I can't help it, but I just keep thinking how easier it would be to die. And it's even harder to think that you did this."
Collins sat there and listened, but felt like stone and nothing was keeping him from falling apart again. He looked up.
"Angel, please baby don't do this… don't…"
"I wanna die. I just want to go now, Collins!" Angel cried, purposely saying it with viciousness so that the words could cut into the other man and hurt. He wanted it to hurt as much as he had been hurt in the past months. And it was working… Collins never felt as much pain as he did now, especially the hatred that dripped from each letter of each word coming from the person he'd give everything for, and almost did.
"This isn't me anymore, and I hate it! Everything you and me were isn't there anymore, can't you see that? There's nothing I want more than to stay with you… to be in your arms again. To kiss and make love like we used to. You have no idea what you did to me… the love… I was so happy and there's nothing I wouldn't give to have that again—"
"We can make it work, honey!" Collins pleaded. "I'm so sorry, God Angel don't do this, I'm begging you, don't—"
Angel then lifted his hand and weakly, with his index finger, he beckoned Collins to come over to him, and in a matter of seconds, he was at his bed side, holding Angel's hand and kissing his fingers. Joanne was right – there was a fight still left in him, and he wasn't prepared to let Angel go without a fight. This was going against everything he knew better to do, like accept Angel's decision… but Angel was jacked up on medicine and emotion right now; hurt and anger… certainly no basis to make such important decisions upon. Collins pressed his lips to Angel's wrist, feeling the warm skin against his lips and tongue was something he sorely missed and Angel let out a soft, emotional moan. This was making things just so much more difficult, and with his other hand he reached across and stroked the back of Collins' head while staring up at the ceiling. All the anger he had been feeling minutes before was now gone.
"Angel, sweetheart," Collins raggedly breathed against Angel's wrist, placing another kiss delicately there, just as tear fell there. "I'm so sorry… don't let this go, please! I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear I didn't… I told Joanne that I'd accept whatever decision you made, I told her that, but I—"
"I know," Angel whispered back. "I know… sometimes it doesn't work like that, Tom. This isn't about what we want anymore…"
Collins raised his head just enough to rest his chin on Angel's arm and look in his eyes. "What do you want, baby? I'll do anything, just please don't let us go…"
Angel burst into tears again and silently cursed Collins out for doing this and making it so hard. Inside, he was tensing up so much and the pressure on his rubs and throat wound was nothing compared to what this was now.
"Honey," he soothingly consoled, which wasn't the position he thought he'd be in. Before Collins showed up, Angel convinced him self that he was so angry and that he just wanted to get rid of the professor out of his life for good. Now the decision wasn't so easy, and he wasn't so comfortable in being the sole one out of them both with this burden to carry. "I want you too. So badly. But it can't work… not again… I can't take it… I'm only human, I can't take that pain anymore, and I can't risk it."
"Every day… ever day I blame myself. I'm slowly killing myself from all the guilt, Angel, It's something I'll never get over, baby. Never! I can't lose you, baby, I can't… I love you so much," Collins was desperate now. This couldn't be happening, he couldn't let Angel go out of his life again… he did that for three months and it almost destroyed him. "I love you. You gave me life again honey… I need you… I don't know what to do without you. You're beautiful and everything I need in my life. Please don't do this. PLEASE!"
Angel bit his lip and tried to remain strong. He couldn't take much more of this – neither of them could.
"Tom," he replied tearfully. "It's so hard, I don't know what to do…"
"Shh…" Collins sat up and moved closer to him. "Don't you worry about that – you just get better and then we can figure it out baby, but we can do that together, along with the others. Just don't let this go. I hate myself so much for what I did to you and I'll never forgive myself for it," he kissed Angel's hand again, and using his other hand he took a damp cloth of the side table and pressed it to Angel's forehead, after seeing the sweat and tension that his lover was carrying. "I'll do anything Angel, anything. Just tell me what to do, sweetheart."
Angel could never hate him, as much as he was trying to – it wasn't about not having the self-respect to kick Collins to the curb, but it was pure love that was holding them together… pure love that kept him from letting go. They were a perfect fit together and it was a match made in heaven, literally… for Collins, he truly believed he was sent his Angel. Now he had to fight to keep him, and he was willing to fight until every last bit of energy in him was gone.
"Tom, baby," Angel let his index finger trace across the handsome facial features of the strong man whom he fell in love with. Collins used his thumb to brush away a tear from just under Angel's eye. "Why'd you keep doing this to me?"
"Doing what?"
"I had myself convinced that I hated you when you walked in here, and now…" he whispered.
"Now I can't imagine not being with you. That it'd tear me up inside to not wake up in your arms every morning… to feel your kisses. Why'd you keep doing this to me?"
Collins smiled. "Because I love you. And I'm not letting you go again. That is… unless you want me to…" he said the last part with sadness and despair, fearing that Angel was still going to leave him. Not that he could blame him. Angel's fingers brushed across Collins's lips, and he responded by kissing them. He then leaned closer to Angel so that they could feel each other's breaths against their skin and Angel shuddered… how could he let this man go? He placed his bandaged-covered hand just inside Collins' shirt, against the warmth of his skin and could feel the other man's heart beating so fast that it was almost humming rather than beating. How could he let him go? Angel took his hand from under Collins' shirt as they gazed at one another and her laced his fingers around the collar of his shirt and pulled him closer. Collins took this for what it was intended and tenderly kissed Angel's lips, massaging them with his own. For the first time in many months, both of them felt safe… warm… and the passion and love that both had once thought was lost. A soft moan escaped Collins and not wanting to hurt Angel, he started to pull away, but the younger man pulled him back down, wanting to savour ever second and the taste of Collins. Finally after a minute for of this intensive lip-lock, they broke apart but Collins remained so close to him that he could hear the nervous breathing of Angel. The two of them stared into each other's eyes, lost within the other… this wasn't how things were supposed to happen, at least for Angel.
"I love you," Angel finally said the words Collins had longed to hear… the words, without the strings attached. Without having to say them in the moment when either feared they would lose the other. Angel started crying again and Collins kissed him.
"I love you, honey," Collins replied. "I always did. Always will. You believe me? Trust me…"
"I believe you," Angel, through his tears, quickly affirmed. "I trust you. Just promise me something, okay?"
"Anything. Anything."
"Never leave me again. Never."
Collins' smile weakened just a little when he saw the need for hope and reassurance… Angel never needed to be reassured before, but now he was more vulnerable than ever.
"I'll never leave you, baby. Never again," Collins spoke with every bit of sincerity. And it was the truth. No matter what, he'd never leave Angel alone again…
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ugh sorry for the long chapter lol. Anyway I hope that was sappy enough for you all… I was planning to have Angel kick Collins' ass out and leave him, but I figured they both gone through too much already. I was merciful lol. But seriously, I hoped you like this chapter.
Coming up, Julia confesses everything… plus some other stuff I'm still toying with at the moment. Anyway, please review!