DESTROYED
Chapter 28
SUMMARY: Julia finally can't fight the urge to confess it all any longer. The results, for her, are… well, as you would expect – they ain't good. Angel questions w
NOTE: Sorry it took me a while for this new chapter, but I've been seriously lacking motivation to write these past few days and plus I do have serious issues with the government to be working through (those fuckers! Grr!) Anyway, so other obligations have been taking up my time but I'll try get a couple more chapters up before X-mas. I'll try. Anyway, enjoy!
"He's been in there for ages!" Maureen whined, slumping against a chair and pouting. It seemed like forever since she had gone in to hang with Angel, and not to mention she was so bored. Everyone else couldn't blame her, though none wanted to leave – just in case something happened between Angel and Collins that would require some sort of intervention. Julia stood a few feet away from the group, leaning against the wall with her arms folded over her chest and her head hung. She was deep in thought… well… she was deep in conflict with herself. To her right – Maureen, Joanne, Mimi, Roger, and Mark were talking amongst themselves in a vain attempt to keep each other awake, despite it only being not even 10 AM.
"Well it doesn't sound like their fighting," Mark commented, with a touch of hope. The last thing any of them needed was for an all-out war to break out in there while Angel was still recovering – Collins had been in that room with Angel for close to thirty-five minutes now. "That's a good thing, right?"
"Why, because they're not throwing grenades at each other?" Mimi sharply replied. "I'm still worried about Angel, you know… there's only so make she can take, you know?"
Roger casually clasped his hands behind his neck and stretched. "Oh come on, it's not hard to figure out you know… kiss and make up time. Angel can never hate Collins, we all know that."
Everyone except Julia just stared at him – he was probably right. When they were together, Angel and Collins could barely keep their hands off each other. But something was different now… Angel wasn't the same person anymore and it hurt them all so much. Little did they know that one of the people responsible for it was standing amongst them.
"Well he's only human," Joanne pointed out. "Mimi's right, I wouldn't be surprised if Angel totally got rid of Collins out of his life."
"Like that'll ever happen," Maureen scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Collins has so much to answer for – if Angel has any self respect, she'll throw Collins out on his ass."
"Wait," Mark turned around, frowning. "Half an hour ago you were throwing yourself in his arms tell him how much you missed him—"
"Hey, I never said I didn't love him," Maureen interrupted with amazing self assurance. "I just don't like what he's done to our girl – Angel shouldn't have to put up with it until Collins cleans up his act."
"Like you did?" Joanne snapped. Like it was hard for her and Maureen to start going at it again; she didn't need to throw fuel on the fire and start baiting her self-absorbed girlfriend. Maureen scowled and turned to face her, with more than a look of annoyance…
"That was such a cheap shot, Pookie. Real nice."
"Whatever, I—"
"Guys!" Mimi stepped in before things could escalate. "Just chill, okay? We're all tired…"
"She started it!"
"What! No way, it was all you!"
"Both of you shut up!" Roger was frustrated with the bickering and fighting from not just them, but all among them. "You know what? Maybe some of us should go back home or something… a couple can stay here… we all don't need to be here."
"Speak for yourself, Roger!" Mimi exclaimed. "I'm not leaving Angel alone!"
"He's not alone—"
"You know what I mean…"
Mark stepped away from the door. "Roger's right. No point all of us being here…"
Julia wasn't paying much attention to the debate and was struggling with her own self-control which was battling a fierce war against guilt and the knowledge that she's, in fact, the responsible one for Angel getting attacked in the hospital and the subsequent problems with Collins… it was never her intention for things to get this far or bad, and again she had to hide her addiction. She was definitely leading a kind of 'double life' and knew how to control it to the best of her abilities, but now it was all coming undone and control was no longer hers. There was nothing that could break her from this 'trance' like state that had her fighting the fight of self-preservation versus the truth… and possible jail. If and when the police found her (no doubt Sam and Julian would give up her name in a heartbeat), there was no way the rest of them would not find out – including Collins. Oh man, was she dreading the time when she'd have to face him again… and if the truth was gonna be said, it would be better coming from her.
She blinked away tears and felt herself trembling, though it wasn't cold – it was her nerves that had been shot straight to hell over the past several days. The pressure that her conscience was placing on her shoulders was enormous and not at all pleasant in it's experience… her mind and heart were arguing two different things, and rightfully so. The mind is something that functions on and processes information and logically tries to deduce what the best course of action is. The heart works in the opposite way… it uses the body itself to someone what to do, or what the best thing to do is… it works as an instinct. Both were good things to know and understand, but right now for Julia, they were in the worst conflict of her life…
She lifted her head so that the back of it rested against the wall so she could stare at the ceiling which was obviously blank…dull… just like how she was feeling right now - just totally blank. Nothing seemed to be working for the beautiful young Texan, who on the outside appeared to have everything and be everything that society wanted – perfection. But like most things, the outward image was usually nothing but that… an image. A façade that shields psychological or physical scars that could be associated with trauma or pressure… in her case, it was drugs. And it wasn't hard to cover up the addiction once she knew how to properly conceal her actions and behavior… now it would all come out, and there was also no possible way of hiding it from her family and friends either. She didn't want to imagine the outcome of that.
They will all find out… her conscience reasoned. It's better to be done on your terms than when you're being hauled off by the cops…
Her resistance was understandable, and she looked over at the others who were now talking about who should stay and go. The first person who had to know about this… the first ones to hear the truth had to be Collins, as well as Angel… no doubt the others would also find out soon and probably out for her blood, but they couldn't know first. Little by little, Julia's resistance was crumbling, but she still held back.
He's gonna hate you forever… they all will…
Julia fidgeted on the spot and really struggled to control herself – she couldn't let them notice that she was getting worked up into a state. Things had gone far enough. Finally, after taking a deep breath and preparing her self as best as she could for the consequences of her actions, she stepped forward.
"I'm not leaving our girl either!" Maureen was stubbornly standing by what Mimi had been saying – they weren't gonna leave. "She needs us here!"
"Angel needs Collins here," Roger tried to convince her. "It's not like they're gonna kill each other or anything… guys we gotta go back sooner or later!"
"You and Mark go back then!" Mimi insisted. "We'll stay."
"You need rest, Mims," Roger spoke to her more quietly, knowing the devastating effects of the virus – Mimi was more petite and weak than the rest of them with the disease so she was more prone to illness at the moment. It was only last year that she almost died from the disease, and Roger wasn't gonna take the chance that she could get sick again – he wasn't ready to let her go. "I just think—"
"No!" Mimi was adamant in her decision. "I'm staying, baby… you and everyone else can go, but Maureen and me are staying."
"Mimi!"
"I said—"
"I heard what you said!"
"I don't see what the big deal is!" Maureen stood next to Mimi and linked their arms.
"The big deal, Honeybear?" Joanne gave her a 'do-I-really-gotta-spell-this-out-for-you' look. "Is that you and Mimi aren't exactly gonna do either of them much good and you both need to sleep…"
"Fuck you!" Maureen stormed over to her, her short fuse burning out once again. "You're always bitching and moaning about what I'm doing or NOT doing! Just back the hell off!"
More tension was mounting and Julia finally walked over to them, timidly.
"Why don't you all go back?" she quietly said. "I'll stay."
Well, I guess you can imagine the kinds of looks she was getting at that offer, and seeing everyone's heads turn in her direction, she quickly added…
"I mean, you know… I'll keep an eye on them. Why should we all stay here and die of boredom?"
Mark cleared his throat. "Um, no that's ok Julia… we got it."
"None of you have had any real sleep in days, and I'm sure they'd understand – besides its getting too crowded here anyway." She didn't want to raise any suspicions as to her motive for making the generous offer, and Mark and Roger exchanged looks.
"You sure? You don't have to; Mark and I'll stay…"
"Yeah I'm sure," she replied, running her manicured nails through her hair. "I think it'll be good for them too… they can have their time without worrying about you guys out here."
"What are you gonna do?" Joanne asked. Julia shrugged.
"I got a couple of things I can do… a couple of things I have to do. I'll be okay." Well, technically that wasn't a lie…
"No, like I said," Mimi shook her head. "I'm staying!"
"Mimi, you got a double shift tonight!" Roger reminded her. "You gotta rest – Angel's not going anywhere!"
"But what if--!"
"I don't wanna hear it!" he interrupted her. "We can come back later, okay?"
Mimi groaned and looked around at the others; silently pleading for help – but those please went unanswered as they all remained silent to her will. She pouted and relented, falling back down on the chair and sulked for a few moments.
"This isn't fair!" Maureen resumed her whining. "Why does she get to stay?" she referred to Julia – not in a mean or vicious manner, but one of frustrated and annoyance.
"Because she doesn't look like she's about to fall down dead," Joanne retorted. "Maureen, quit whining, okay? We'll go back to my apartment, sleep, and then come back, okay!"
Maureen, too, looked at the others for help, but seeing the defeated body language of Mimi, she simply gave a frustrated sigh and picked up her jacket.
"Fine, whatever!"
With the five of them finally in agreement, the next debate was whether they should say goodbye to Angel and Collins – of course, Maureen and Mimi were more determined to than the others, and were quickly admonished once again for their over-enthusiasm to go bouncing into the room shouting and yelling, when it was so obviously a tender time for both the drummer and the teacher.
"Tell them we'll be back later, right?" Mark felt a bit out of place asking Julia for anything, but she simply nodded and agreed to such terms. This was the first step in her actually doing the right thing, and she didn't want the added pressure of having the rest of them coming after her after she revealed the nature of her 'secret' to the man whom she admired probably more than anyone… and she hurt him in such an extreme way that she knew he'd never forgive her. But right now, he was seeking – and needing – answers to questions that had evaded him for so long now and Julia held most of those answers… none in which he'd like. However it had to be told now.
"Mark, like Mimi said – we're not going!" Maureen was fighting a losing battle, she knew. She didn't want to leave… at least she didn't wanna leave Angel alone with Collins.
"Julia – you sure you'll be okay?" Mark ignored is ex purposefully, still concerned over Julia's injuries. "I mean you look pretty beaten up…"
Hoping she wouldn't have to explain, Julia simply nodded in assurance. "Yeah I'm good. It's cool, just go… you all look half dead anyway." Never would she usually be so forward with people she weren't entirely familiar with or a group of people where she didn't feel totally accepted but under the circumstances I think she was justified here, don't you?
Roger had a difficult time trying to drag Mimi up from where she was sitting, but finally he just picked her up, almost throwing her over his shoulder.
"You're coming back to the loft…" he told her and held her still as she struggled. The others had to stifle their amusement at Mimi's situation, though Julia remained serious… almost stone-faced. Mark was the only one who noticed her behavior, and thought about bringing it up but decided against it so he didn't cause any more tension between them.
"Roger!" Mimi squealed. "Put me down, dammit!"
"Play nice?"
"Shut up!"
"Good," Roger smirked and looked at Julia. "That's about as nice as she gets when she's off the junk…" he put her down and Mimi turned around, shoving him violently.
"Jerk!"
"Thanks, baby…"
Julia smiled at that obviously shallow, light-hearted bantering between them… the relationships these people enjoyed were so… real. How could anyone ever beat that? Now, she was sure that she had blown her chance of fitting in with real people too, but it wouldn't be as bad with having to live with the terrible secrets she did if she didn't tell the truth. She had options… she just didn't like them. Who would?
"I'll call, okay?" she told them, trying to convince them that everything would be okay should they decide to leave. "You have nothing to worry about."
"Except our girl getting hurt!" Maureen was still sulking. "Collins could cause her more harm than good…"
"Ohh gees!" Joanne rolled her eyes. "Who does that remind me of?"
"Uh-huh… whatever you say, Pookie," Maureen stuck out her tongue. "I'll be the mature one here and won't respond…"
Mark snorted at that remark and the others too started laughing, and Maureen just shook her head in disgust and walked over to Julia.
"Give Angel and Collins this for me," she then hugged Julia and placed a kiss on her cheek. "Okay?"
"Sure," she nodded.
"Yeah, and tell Collins that if he keeps messing with our girl, he's in trouble!" Mimi added, wrapping her arms around Roger.
"To say the least," Maureen agreed.
"Thanks, Julia," Roger said and started pulling Mimi towards the elevator. "Call us if anything changes, okay?"
"Will do."
A few minutes later, after they all said their goodbye, Julia was left standing alone in the hallway as the doctors and nurses continued to walk by her in doing their daily duties. Sitting down where Mimi had been previously, Julia was left to her own troubled thoughts and wondered how she was gonna break this news to the couple who had endured so much, and gone through hell multiple times just so they could be together.
WITH ANGEL AND COLLINS
Collins stared into Angel's big beautiful brown eyes for what felt like an eternity, absorbing every moment he had to look at them and appreciating every second of it. It was not often that a relationship was given a second chance… and now they were on, what, they're third or forth chance? This was their last chance, he was sure, and he wasn't about to blow this one not by a long shot. All he wanted was to get Angel back to their apartment and… well; you can guess what he wanted to do to him. Collins had lost everything the moment he got into bed with Samuel again, and the lies and deceit and the ultimate pain Angel and their friends went through because of him… well, it was unbearable, and he was now determined to set things right even if it killed him. The only thing that could bring him down now in this moment, was if Angel told him that there was no hope for them… and obviously he didn't, so Collins really felt that nothing could destroy this. Man, if only he knew what was waiting for them just outside, right?
Angel picked at his nails and let out an exaggerated sigh of disappointment. A part of him was disappointed with him self for giving in to Collins so easily, and not standing his ground… a part of him just wanted their connection to die so he wouldn't be hurt again. But like with most cases, he couldn't bring himself to let go of the one person who truly understands him, no matter how painful things got. And it's not like things could get any worse, right?
"When did you find out about Sam and Julian?" Collins asked casually, leaning back in his seat and folding his arms over his chest. He was curious as to how Angel actually found out about it, as he was sure that he was thinking the same thing about him, but wouldn't say anything. Angel diverted his attention away from his broken nails.
"What?"
"Sam and Julian," Collins repeated. "How did you know?"
"Oh honey, I know everything," Angel winked and gave him a charming yet slightly mischievous smile. "I saw it on T.V. What about you?"
"Me?"
"Yeah!"
Collins shifted in his seat. "I saw it on the television too… when they brought me in because of my hand."
Angel's eyes shifted to gaze at the cast that covered his lover's hand, visually inspecting it with an innocent sense of curiosity. Gently he lifted up Collins' arm and studied the heavy cast, running his fingers along it and feeling the rough texture of the mold…
"You did this because of me, right?"
"No…"
Angel rolled his eyes. "Baby don't lie to me anymore, okay? Times are shitty enough – and we can't afford anymore lies, you know?"
Collins was surprised to see a lot of innocent trust… belief… that his lover had for him. At least it was a refreshing change from the distrust and hate that Angel should, and had, been feeling for so long now.
"Okay," Collins softly conceded. "Okay… I was terrified of what you'd say, so I went outside and well… I kinda just had to let loose a bit."
"Let loose?"
"On the ground."
"Did it hurt?"
"Heck yeah!"
Angel stared at him for a few seconds before erupting in a fit of giggles for apparently no reason. Collins sat up straight, startled just a little bit at seemingly inappropriate and odd reaction, and shook his head – given Angel's current situation, it wasn't unusual for Angel to react differently to certain things but this was ridiculous! Was he laughing at Collins' pain or what? No… that's a silly idea. Angel never could laugh at someone who was hurting, especially given the circumstances under which he was in hospital now.
"What's so funny?" Collins demanded, deciding to call Angel's bluff. Angel continued to giggle and laugh even harder, and got to the point where Collins thought he would hurt himself if he didn't calm down. "Angel, you're gonna hurt yourself if you don't calm down… what the hell's so funny?"
After a few seconds of trying to regain control of him self, Angel wiped his eyes of the tears that had formed there.
"I'm sorry, honey," he giggled. "It's just funny that's all…"
Collins frowned. "What's funny?
"This whole thing! This whole situation!"
"What? Are you insane?"
"Possibly," Angel smiled. "But that's not the point." He burst into another round of giggles again and Collins shook his head in a dazed confusion, yet amused at Angel's antics even though he could barely move. Well, needless to say he never got a reason as to why Angel was reacting as he was, and simply put it down to the multiple pain killers and pain managers the medical staff had injected into his system.
"Angel, you're scaring me, baby…"
"Oh hush!" Angel scolded him, lightly. "You don't know what you're talking about!"
"Oh really!" Collins replied, challengingly, and moved to sit on Angel's bed. "Is that right?" before Angel could react, Collins started kissing him, placing small kisses on his face and gently teasing him and Angel started squirming as a result.
"Hey no fair!" he squealed. "You're taking advantage of me!"
"Uh-huh…" Collins muttered as he placed a small kiss just under Angel's left ear, before starting to nibble at it. "You like it; you know it…"
"You're not playing by the rules, sweetie!"
"Oh you want me to stop?" Collins continued teasing and pulled away, standing up. "Okay!" he started to move away.
"Wait!" Angel protested. Collins turned back.
"Wait for what? And since when did you play by the rules anyway?"
"Hey!" his young lover protested. "At least I play fair!"
Collins smirked and sat back down on the bed. This was the first return to a somewhat normalcy between them in close to four months now and it was awesome to experience it – for both of them, it was like experiencing each other, for real, for the first time again. The essence and beauty of the intrigue and curiosity they had for each other when they met, and the desire to explore each other through that curiosity, had now returned and it was like they were getting to know each other again. Slow down, Tom, Collins told himself, determined not to rush things. Angel, too, had the same thought and the light fun they were having soon settled down.
"Collins?" he spoke more seriously.
"Yeah?"
"Do you think they'll be punished?"
"Who?"
"You know…"
"Sam and Julian?"
"Yeah."
Collins brought Angel's hand up to his faced and kissed it again. "Does it matter what I think, baby? If it weren't for me—"
"That wasn't my question," Angel wanted to stop him before Collins started into a cycle of self-loathing and hatred of him self. Neither of them needed that. "You know them better than any of us, right?"
"I don't know. I thought I did. Angel, I think they got some major karma coming their way… they'll get what they deserve."
Angel relaxed a bit, satisfied with that answer, and absently stared around the room at the same old bland dullness of the room in the hospital which had been his home for over a week now. His life had changed so dramatically through his own actions, and the actions of the man he loved and would he ever be the same again? The answer was ever elusive and he doubt the forgiving of Collins or the arrest and convictions of Sam and Julian would be sufficient in answering it. Only time held the key and it was unrelenting in keeping its secrets locked up.
"Angel?" Collins' voice broke through the silence and Angel's thoughts.
"Hmm?"
"What you thinking of, baby?"
"Oh… nothing," he replied, but his darkened, saddened eyes told Collins a different story.
"Hey, what did you just tell me about no more lies?"
Angel sighed, regretting his choice of words, but Collins was still right. "It's just… I don't know if I'll be the same. If anything will be the same, you know? I'm just wondering if it's all worth it… I mean, what's the point of throwing Sam and Julian in jail if things can't go back to the way they were?"
"Angel, nothing can be as it was…" Collins pointed out. "I doubt after what's happened… nothing will be the same. I guess it's just something we have to live with… move on…"
"But how?" Angel was desperate to know. "I want to go back to our old lives. Before any of this…"
"I know, Ang, I know!" Collins agreed. "But there's nothing we can do about it now. We've been given a new chance… I've been given a new chance… all we can do is make the best of it…"
Angel's confusion wasn't unfounded nor was it anything to be taken lightly, and there was nothing more that he or Collins, or any of them wanted than for Angel to get back his spark for life, the spirit that possessed his soul which was one of love and living each moment as if it were your last. Forget regret. Now, his life was full of regrets and uncertainties, and although now it was virtually guaranteed that he would fully recover from the physical aspect, there was so much more for them to have to deal with now. And he was fully aware of what was happening to him – but of course, knowing what's happening and not being able to prevent are two different things entirely.
Collins kissed Angel's cheek tenderly and Angel responded by lacing his fingers with the teacher's, carefully minding the wounds on his hands. No matter what happens now, he wouldn't let Collins go again… not for anything.
Meanwhile, just outside the room, the door had been slightly opened and Julia was looking inside at the loving moment. She had just caught the tail-end of their conversation, and that obviously didn't do her any good as she was about to drop another bombshell on them that they didn't need, but for her own sake she had to do it. Saving her soul, I guess you could say. Now, some of you may think it's a good idea that she's gonna tell them the truth, and others may think that it's a stupid, even reckless decision given the emotional instability of them both, and Angel's weakened physical state. It was hard not to see the love Angel and Collins shared; it truly was a touching moment that defined who they both were… supporting the idea that love knows no bound – no gender, no age, no time, no place… it's universal. It's forever.
Julia started taking deep breaths and wanted to force herself into knocking on the door. What sort of punishment would she receive for telling the truth? None so greater as to lose someone you care deeply about… a friend. Sometimes the cost of telling the truth was high, higher than that of telling a lie…
KNOCK, KNOCK
She didn't even know she had knocked until she heard her knuckles tapping the door for the third or forth time. By then, she had garnered the attention of the two people she was fearing most, and it was suddenly too late to change her mind and back out now.
"Julia?" a confused Collins stood up and let go of Angel, who was also looking her direction. Collins walked over to the door and opened it fully; not knowing what was going on and saw the kind of frightened look on her face. Julia froze.
"Julia?" he repeated. "Girl, what's up?" he looked beyond her and saw that none of their friends were anywhere to be found. "Where is everyone?"
Julia blinked rapidly and tried to maintain control of herself, but her legs felt like jelly underneath her, and she grabbed onto Collins for support, which he gladly obliged.
"Julia, what's up? What's wrong?" he started to ask with greater concern. Something wasn't right and it didn't take a genius to realise that. She looked like she had seen a ghost or something. He pulled her inside and closed the door, exchanging concerned looks with Angel… what the hell is up with this girl?"
"Julia? Honey, what's wrong?"
Still getting no response, Collins led her over to the seat in which he had been sitting in moments earlier and she basically flopped onto the chair. Angel curiously watched his lover kneel in front of her, taking both her hands in his and trying to get her out of this 'trance' like state she was in. Why was she so nervous?
"Julia?" he shook her arms. "What's up? What's going on?"
Finally, Julia summoned up the courage to look at him. "I…" she stammered and looked up at Angel who was confused and worried at the same time. "I just…"
"Where is everyone?" Collins asked again.
"They've, um… they went back to the loft," she explained. "They were all tired, so I offered to stay in case something happened."
"And they didn't even say goodbye?" Angel pouted lightly. Julia shrugged.
"They wanted to, but they didn't wanna disturb you two…"
Collins kept a hold of her hands, staring at her and intently tried to work out from her body language what may bother her. In all the years he worked as a teacher he had learned to pick up on the subtleties that people often have in their body language or what they say. Julia was hiding something that really looked to be tearing her up.
"What's wrong?" he repeated. He'd keep asking her until he got some sort of satisfactory answer.
"What? Nothing…"
"Julia you look like you've seen a ghost. What's up? If you're gonna lie, be creative…" he wasn't in the mood for this. As much as he loved her and thought the world of this brilliant student, it wasn't a good time for her to come to him with her problems… whatever it was, he didn't want it to ruin his time with Angel.
Julia brushed some hair out of her face, trying to figure out how to do this. Maybe she should stand near the door in case she needed a quick exit, right? No… that was cowardly. She'd face up to the truth as strongly as possible… and then get home and cry like a baby for hours on end, because she subsequently wouldn't be able to keep the addiction and her role in an attempted murder a secret for long. Angel and Collins would be the least of her troubles when she got him.
"Are you okay?" Angel weakly cleared his throat and winced at what felt like a stinging sensation in his arm, and froze until the pain subsided. Julia shook her head. It was now or never, really… it might sound like an overreaction, but if you think about it, it's really not. Julia was instrumental in Sam and Julian's organization and execution of the plan to get Angel when he was still recovering. At the least, she's an accessory to attempted murder…
"No," she whispered. "Um… there… there was also another reason why I told them to go home…"
Collins raised an eyebrow. "You told them to?"
"I suggested it," she explained. "Mimi and Maureen wanted to stay but the others dragged them off. There's, um… something I gotta tell you both and I don't know I should…"
Collins' concern steadily grew when he saw the nervousness in her eyes turn into absolute fear, and he immediately pulled her into a hug, which Julia readily accepted as may being her last from him. She burst into tears.
"Hey girl, what's gotten into you?" he cooed in her ear. "What's going on? You know you can tell us…"
"I did something horrible," she cried into his shoulder. "Collins, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it to happen, honest to God I didn't mean it!" it was all coming out now, and he just rubbed her back. What did she do? What could she possibly have done that would warrant such a thing as thing?
"For what?"
"I…" she pulled away and glanced at Angel. Angel wanted to reach out and give the poor girl a hug as she was so distraught over something, he didn't know what. The caring looks she was getting from them both only made it that much harder to come clean and her sobbing and crying intensified to the point where she almost fainted.
Collins let her go for a brief moment and stood up, backing up just enough so he could talk softly with Angel.
"What's wrong with her?" Angel asked in a low voice.
"I have no fucking idea," Collins admitted. "It's gotta be bad…"
"She's apologizing to you? You have no idea what she's done?"
"Whatever it is, it's tearing her up…"
Collins went back over to her and knelt down in the same position he was in before, and rested his arm on her leg.
"Julia, honey what's up? Seriously you got us all worked up now… whatever it is, we'll understand. Why you apologizing for? What's going on?"
Dammit why does he have to be so fucking sweet! Her mind was screaming. Mark had been right all along – this world did fuck you up and there was nothing good about it. There was nothing forgiving about living here and putting up with what they all had to day in and day out… it seems worse from her perspective because she's always lived a nice lifestyle all her life, and to willingly allow herself to be dragged into this environment was a bit of a shock to her system… to say the least. Julia regretted having not listened to Mark and Collins when they warned her that this wasn't a good place for her to be in… she just didn't understand it.
She looked at them both through the blurriness of her eyes; her vision distorted by the tears that blinded her so well to what the reality of it was. Collins had been through enough guilt and pain to last about a dozen lifetimes, and Angel? Don't get me started on what he's been through – you all know what he's been through. The thing is so does Julia and she also has to live with the guilt of having been responsible for a lot of that pain. All for a few bags of coke. Nice, huh? Of course these types of deals are made more often than any of us would like to admit, but in this case the circumstances where different. You all know why.
Her hands were shaking and she held onto the bedside rail for support, although Collins offered to help her, she refused. No way was she in a position to ask him for anything. Now, don't go getting ideas – Julia isn't a malicious, violent person by nature, but she has made some not-so-good decisions in her quest to keep up with her addiction. She happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when she came across Julian who then made her that offer. Now it's coming back to bite her in the ass… the guilt wasn't gonna die.
"I…" she got to her feet, still shaking and unsteady as she straightened herself. Collins held her arm for support, but almost immediately she yanked it away, surprising both him and Angel a bit.
"I gotta go home," she whispered. "I can't stay here anymore, it's not good for you…"
"What?" Collins shook his head, trying to get his mind around what she had just said. "What the hell are you talking about? What's not good for me?"
"I can't stay; I'll just end up making it worse! Hurting you both more!"
"Julia will you just tell us what's going on?" Collins was growing more frustrated by the second. The hysterical girl standing before him wasn't the same person he knew from his classes or even from their personal relationship… in only the few days that passed since he really sat down and talked with her, she seemed to have been stripped completely of who she really was. This wasn't Julia Sampson.
"Sweetie, what ya talking about?" Angel asked, kindly. Collins couldn't help but notice a hint of the old caring nature of Angel creep back into his tone. "Why you crying?"
"Stop it!" she hysterically told them, stepping away from both Collins and Angel's bed. "Stop it, I don't deserve it… you… you…" she blinked. Fuck, it was all or nothing now.
"What is it?" Collins pressed as this was getting them no where… they wouldn't get any answers out of her if she kept on like this. She inhaled.
"It's my fault! My fault Angel almost died… Julian… set up…" she hiccupped and finally raised her eyes to meet Angel's. "I set you up to get attacked that second time."
Horror and confusion overtook the two lovers who both could barely register what she just second, but the panic and emotional deterioration took its toll on Julia. Right there and then, she closed her eyes and fell to the ground – she fainted as blackness overcame here.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Hey all! Sorry it took longer than usual to update, and sorry if this chapter seemed a little dull. I figured that was a nice little cliffhanger to keep you all coming back for more. Anyways more to come in the next chapter with Julia/Collins/Angel and it'll be good! Also, Benny may make another appearance. Someone dies.