Destroyed

Chapter 29

SUMMARY: Angel and Collins react to the startling revelation from a guilt-ridden Julia. Sweet chapter. Lovely.

Staring down at Julia's limp body on the floor after she fainted from driving herself into near hysterics, Collins couldn't possibly be in anymore conflict with him self than he was now. It felt like ages, but really only a few seconds had passed and he and Angel were both still in shock over those last few words she spoke.

"What just happened?" Angel stammered, keeping control of him self, but he was starting to tremble with fear.

Collins didn't respond and he knelt down at Julia's side – no… it couldn't be true, could it? She'd never do that to him; to Angel… that's not the kind of person she was! I mean, in order for her to even bring herself to do business with scum like Sam, she'd have to be a… Collins didn't want to think of that possibility, not when it came to someone with such a brilliant mind as Julia. He was afraid to reach out and touch her; fearing that his worst suspicions may be, in fact, correct… and if they were, then everything he knew about her would be wrong. Everything he loved about her would be false. Not to mention the dangerous situation this would once again put them all in.
Still in a semi-shocked state, unable to hear anything or take his eyes away from her, Collins absently reached down and touched her arm so lightly that even he could barely feel the touch. But she was warm… pale…

"Collins?" Angel desperately tried to get his lover's attention, but Collins was tuned out to everything but the girl lying unconscious on the floor. He studied her face with caution but the curiosity became too much to avoid… his fingers glided over the silky material of her shirt and traced the fine stitching. We all know Collins isn't stupid – in fact he is highly intelligent, so it took not more than a few seconds for him to formulate an idea as to what she had in fact been hiding. Why would she confess to helping Sam and Julian, two notoriously evil drug dealers, unless there was something on monetary value in it for her, too? But then again… why would she want to help them hurt Angel? No… he thought, in denial. She wouldn't… she couldn't… she wouldn't do this to us… if in fact he did find out she was a druggie, then it would turn his whole world upside down again. If it wasn't for her, he would've never had the courage to face Angel again and get back his friends… but maybe that was her plan with Sam and Julian all along, right? Well, we all know that's not true as it wasn't until after she met Angel did she weaken to Julian's offer. However, Collins didn't know that.

His breathing deepened and he feared what horrible truths he would discover, should he continue to investigate her further. Angel watched in a state of a frozen being, afraid to move or speak… why would she do this to him? To Collins? He, too, was in a sense of denial… he didn't want to believe that this sweet young woman could do such a horrible thing – that someone could betray a friend… wait… no, it wasn't appropriate for him to think those kinds of things given what he's done. But then again, no matter how much he had hurt his friends in the past… he'd never put them in danger and would never ask them to do anything that would do so. How was one supposed to react in a situation such as this? More specifically, given Collins' past, how was he supposed to react in a situation like this? If what she had said was actually true… neither knew enough information or had barely begun to comprehend the complexity of it all that followed, emotionally speaking.

Collins lifted up Julia's arm in a disturbingly gentle way – like it would break upon contact with another person's skin. His fingers curled around her small wrist while he used his damaged hand and the little dexterity he had left in those fingers to manipulate the button on the cuff of her sleeve. Fearing what could be; hoping it wouldn't be; not wanting to dare know the truth that could confirm or hopefully put to rest the only logical reason she'd say something like that. He unbuttoned the clasp and although he knew he should get medical help for the young woman, fear and even denial kept him there… wanting to see if it were true. Now, with Julia being as secretive and well adaptable to hiding her addiction, you'd expect her to not inject in her arm for fear of leaving track marks…

Angel was worried – not about what Julia had said, but more so Collins' reaction to it. He didn't need this extra pressure, and Angel knew the guilt that would accompany him (even if it wasn't true) because Collins knew he was the one who introduced Angel to Julia. It didn't take a genius to figure out that Collins would then assume that it was he who set the ball in motion… after all the self-torment and self-hatred he in particular had been through, it wasn't hard to see a pattern forming. This shit was not needed now – and that's putting it lightly.

Collins then rolled up her sleeve and had to turn away quickly when he saw multiple needle marks that looked to have been covered with some sort of make-up material. He dropped her arm a little more harshly than even he expected, and got to his feet.

"Collins?" Angel spoke with uncertainty, still not fully understanding what was going on. "Baby… w… we can't leave her there!"

"It makes sense now…" he muttered to no one in particular, staring coldly down at her limp body. The realization dawned on him so quickly that he almost staggered backwards into Angel's bed. Everything was falling into place – how they knew where Angel's room was; where and when to get in… how to get past security; how they got the information they needed – how Sam learned about Angel and Collins' desires to get back together and now… her injuries. Sam must've been pissed off and blamed her… or didn't wanna leave a witness or someone who could turn around and pin all this on him. Whatever her motive was, there were basically the imprints of the truth he didn't want to have to know, right there on her arm.

"Collins? Talk to me!" Angel pleaded. Now he was hoping that his love didn't do something stupid. Finally, Collins acknowledged his pleas and turned around, with dread and the look of ultimate betrayal in his eyes – the same look which haunted Angel months earlier when he caught Collins in bed with Sam, but now it was in an entirely different context, perhaps worse that before.

"She did it," Collins whispered. "I can't…. I… she did it…" a sudden rush of anger and even hatred surged through his veins and it took every bit of energy in him in his restraint so he wouldn't grab her by the throat and shove her up against the wall. But the jolt quickly subsided and hurt replaced it. He had to sit down before he fell down and gripped the side of Angel's bed… almost instantly he felt the warmth of Angel's skin on his.

"I… I don't know what happened, Tom… you don't either; we can't leave her lying there!"

"Why not!" Collinsquestioned darkly, with anintensity that spooked Angel. "After what she's done… she's the reason that Julian… that you…" he couldn't bring himself to verbally bring up the events as the memories of seeing all that blood only days before was enough to coke him up. After taking a moment, he managed to get a grip on himself for long enough. "She deserves to rot!"

"We don't know anything, baby!" Angel insisted, wanting Collins to calm down. "Needle marks mean nothing!"

"It means everything!" Collins jumped up and reached down, pulling the still unconscious girl up by the collar of her shirt. Maybe he was jumping to conclusions right? But like I said, Collins is an intelligent guy…

"Angel, it means she lied to me. She lied to you. It means she's a junkie… where do you think she'd go to get a fix? Huh? Who do you think is the biggest drug pusher in this area? Look at her! The track marks are fresh; she had to get her shit from here! Do the math, Angel! How do you think Julian knew where to find you? How do you think he managed to get past security? How do you think Julia got those injuries? Classic marks of a dealer not happy – I've seen it all before!" the realization of all this and hit him within seconds and it was almost too much to bear. But Angel was right – they didn't know the whole story and while she was lying there they wouldn't get anymore answers out of her, so Collins held her in his arms and picked her up and carried her to the door. Angel was still in shock over the whole thing… what the heck did she mean? She set them up? Not being as educated and in the position to think logically as his lover, also not knowing Julia as well as Collins allegedly did, it wasn't as easy for him to arrive at the same conclusion. His heart was pounding against his ribs so much that his broken ribs felt more like daggers poking him from the inside; however the morphine was doing its best to dull the pain. At that moment, though, Angel was more focused on what Collins just told him, coupled with Julia's words before she fainted. Fuck, how many more people are out to get me? He bitterly thought.

Minutes later, Collins returned to the room and almost slammed the door shut behind him, obviously minus Julia.

"Where is she?" Angel was afraid to ask but couldn't stop him self. Collins' dark expression softened considerably when he saw the fear and confusion in Angel's eyes once again, and went to his side.

"Doctors took her," in the minutes he was away from Angel's side, Collins did calm down more and was somewhat more rational in his thinking, reminding himself that until they got the full story from Julia, he just had to stay calm for his sake and more importantly for Angel's sake. No jumping to conclusions. No. "They say she'll be okay… breathing's normal and stuff."

"What about you?" Angel pushed further. "You okay?"

"No," Collins sharply replied. "And I don't know how you can be…"

"Collins, after everything that's happened… I don't wanna believe it either, but I wanna wait until I hear more from her. Trust me, honey, nothing surprises me anymore," he added with weak humor to lighten them both up. It worked, momentarily.

"How could she!" Collins bit his lips and wiped his eyes with a tissue. "That bi—"

"Don't say something you'll regret, baby," Angel told him, soothingly. "You did nothing wrong…"

"I fucking brought her here!" Collins cried. "I should've known… I should've seen it! But… I mean, she was a brilliant student, and—"

"Dammit, Tom! She made her own decision; you and me both know she would've been on the stuff way longer than how long she's known you if she's desperate enough to get her shit from the likes of Sam! Even if she did… arrange this. There's no way you could no—" this was a surprising turn of events. Angel comforting Collins? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

"How can you be so… calm?"

"Because it doesn't fucking surprise me, I told you," Angel replied harshly. "It's just… after this past week… I dunno… I guess I had a feeling that someone had been keeping up with Sam or something. I dunno, maybe not that… but I just…"

"Why didn't you say anything!"

"First of all, you weren't here!" Angel snapped. "And second…" his tone softened. "I don't know, okay? It was just a small, tiny feeling that's all. The thought crossed my mind… you know… how did they know?"

Collins tried desperately to wrap his mind around all of this and get a grip on himself. Yes, he didn't know for sure what Julia had meant when he saw the track marks on her arms and the hysterical nature she was in… and the begging for forgiveness. Come on… how hard would it be to put 2 + 2 together? Why would Julia sell her soul like that? And she used Mark, him, and Angel in the process? And Angel's relaxed, calm demeanor served him no other purpose than more worry… Angel said he wasn't surprised anymore, in a tone of voice that kinda sounded like he thought that he deserved it, or had it coming, or at least was a foreseeable consequence of him being who he was. Right then, Julia was dropped from Collins' mind.

"Angel, you'd tell me if—"

"If I were about to crack? Go nuts? Insane? Be committed?" Angel guessed. In bewildered amusement, Collins nodded.

"Yeah…"

"Hell no I wouldn't tell you," Angel bluntly, yet honestly, told him and affectionately rubbed Collins' arms. He yawned. "I doubt you'd tell me if you were in my position."

"I should be in your position," Collins quietly replied, lovingly keeping his bedside vigil. This sudden shocking revelation from Julia wouldn't keep him from being strong and knowing what was important. He would get the answers from her later, but the confusion now was being replaced with denial and a will to not believe the truth that had hit them both so fast the world was spinning around them. It was worse for Angel, obviously, who had no idea why Julia would wanna hurt him so bad… but Collins was the kind of person who would take the responsibility for it if he felt it necessary, even if he wasn't involved. "It should be me there, Ang… he wanted to punish me… you got if for just being you."

Angel wistfully stared up at the ceiling, silently seeking some solace from whatever higher Being existed.

"I don't think hurting you was an option for Sam," Angel stated. "No matter how much you two hate each other, I don't think either of you can really bring yourselves into a position where you'd really physically hurt each other—"

"Angel, you should've seen me beat the crap outta the little punk—"

"I know," Angel calmly acknowledged. "But you stopped. You know you couldn't bring yourself to kill him, Collins… why do you think you stopped?"

Collins knew what Angel was saying (in his usual peaceful, loving way that could always make someone feel at ease and where blame was non existent). Angel spoke in a non-threatening way, like what he was saying was completely okay and natural… to keep the peace and for his lover to know that there was nothing wrong with it. Collins closed his eyes and Angel saw his throat constrict briefly, preventing a much needed release of built-up turmoil. It was a physical validation of the truth-ness of Angel's words, as Collins didn't immediately out right deny it… in fact; he didn't deny it at all. He couldn't. He didn't know the reason why he stopped beating Sam, or why he couldn't bring him self to throw that son of a bitch through the brick wall.

"Tom, baby, its okay…" he continued. "I'm not mad. I think we're, like, really beyond any of that shit now. You and Sam shared something special once, honey… he was your first love. Nothing can ever replace that. Not even me."

"I love you… I hate him…"

"Maybe. Now. But I think you know why you couldn't finish the job. No matter what he's turned into – a cold-blooded killer, or whatever – he couldn't hurt you either. Not physically anyway."
Angel lovingly stroked Collins' wrist – this was the type of thing Angel could see more clearly than others, for reasons unknown. He knew that real love existed between Collins and Sam now, and even though it was in the past and no longer existing, it was something Collins had to embrace as his past. In order for Tom Collins to embrace Angel again, he needed to acknowledge and embrace his past… to learn from it and so Angel could have all of him, not just who he is now. "You loved him, Tom. You shouldn't be ashamed of it…"

"I hate him for what he did to you," Collins whispered, trembling. "I hate myself for letting it happen. I did it and I have to live with it—"

"Don't punish your self forever, baby. That won't be fair to either of us…" why Angel was so calm was a mystery – he had just found out that one of Collins so-called 'friends' had been the one to set up the second attack. Even though he was quite sure Sam and Julian would've gone ahead without her, Julia was still instrumental in orchestrating and carrying out the overall thing. "I love you. And I forgive you… I could never hate you. Why don't you forgive yourself? It's the only way we can move forward together, you know?"

"It's not easy, Ang. You know that. It'll take time…

"I know," Angel smiled warmly. "And it'll happen. But you also gotta do something… we always used to say it. Forget regret… I know there's heaps of regrets, but you gotta forget them. It's over now; we have each other again! Sam was an important part of your life and you gotta accept that… before you and I have any chance to be together again. You understand what I'm telling you?"

Oh yeah, Collins understood alright. But like he said, it was very difficult because he had to live with what he had done – and Angel had the physical scars and the emotional ones of the memories of living through those traumatic hours, so it wasn't easy to forget the past – to embrace it and let it go on his own terms when fate had so obviously decided to force it back into his arms. What Angel was saying that it was ok and good to forget the past… but you gotta accept it, embrace it, and let it go first, before you're able to move on. The thing with Angel was that he was in the unique position to know that… he had been all along. For what felt like the longest time, he couldn't communicate with his friends or anyone but he heard a lot more than he could verbalise or communicate at the time. He saw Collins and his friends go through the various stages that accompany a tragedy, or in this case – tragedies. Tragic circumstances unto realise the love that really had never left them, but their differences had clouded the real thing. Angel was in a position where all he could do was see how people were reacting to him; reacting to what happened… and it was frustrating because he never wanted any of it. He didn't want to be the cause of someone's tears or pain… he didn't want to have them sit there and make him hear or see the pain they were in. But slowly he came to understand it… and it wasn't until Collins left again that he realised just how much history he had with Sam… how much love they must have felt for each other for both of them to be reacting as emotionally and yes, even as violently, as they were. There was passion – not love, Angel was sure of that – but a passion that both felt… because they had once upon a time meant so much to each other that both were having a hard time comprehending the other in the position they were in, and saying the things they were saying. But Angel loved Collins with all his soul, so it wasn't hard for him to understand it. He had been in both the positions to love and hate the professor, and no matter what he had felt… all that time it had been a passion emotion. It wasn't something of indifference, and so slowly it was a realization that Collins was experiencing with him what he had shared with Sam not so long ago… and it scared him. Angel could see the fear. Collins never saw the drug thing happening until it was forced in front of him; and Angel knew Collins' heart… his fear… the fear of not knowing. The fear of not knowing his lover as well as he wants to… the fear of not being able to stop the hurt and pain even if he saw it coming towards him. And now, Collins was afraid again. In experiencing what he had with Angel once before, with Sam, it was enough to bring up all those fears of hurting Angel and not be able to ease his pain. For the longest time after leaving Sam, Collins tormented himself with thoughts of where he went wrong, and why he couldn't see it coming, and why he couldn't get help for Sam… was his love and passion for the younger man so deep that he was blind to all else?

No… Angel understood alright. Collins is a passionate person, and he wasn't afraid of getting hurt – he was afraid of not being able to prevent happening to the person he loves. And he feels like he failed twice… but now he saw redemption. He saw another chance with Angel, probably his last that he never got with Sam. It was these conflictions that were eating him up, and now with the possibility that Julia, his friend, may have committed an unspeakable act that could've killed his lover… once again Collins was bringing in to question his ability to give Angel the safety that he couldn't give Sam. So he had tried to block out his past with Sam, or at least write it off as not meaning much… but listening to Angel clearly mark things as they were… it wasn't something that could be ignored. Collins could not longer afford to ignore what everything was telling him, even for the sake of his love… because it was doing that, with Sam and with Angel that almost killed them both. Collins despised Sam now, but Angel was again right… he couldn't bring himself to hurt a person who had once meant so much to him, and whom he had so much history with… and had shared so much love with. It wasn't in his nature, true. But the intangible qualities that had come to define both of the two serious relationships he had experienced in his life – Samuel Michaels and Angel Schunard – were now the only thing that could save Collins from the brink of madness… and save his relationship with Angel. He had let himself lose Sam… he wasn't about to let himself lose Angel.

And the thing was… Angel knew it all. Collins didn't have to tell him a thing, about what he was feeling or whatever… Angel could see it; no matter the pain and emotional hell he had suffered, his ability to see what others could not, or would not, was incredible. Especially with Collins. There was nothing they couldn't hide from each other. Maybe that's why Angel was so calm in the face of this new problem with Julia, because he knew Collins better than anyone, perhaps even Sam. Angel knew his history. His pain. His past. His heart. Angel knew every aspect of Collins' soul, so he couldn't even attempt to hide it without Angel knowing something wasn't right…

"Baby, you know it's okay to not want Sam dead," Angel whispered seriously. "I know. Believe me. I know how much he meant to you… if he was to die, I know you'd be sad…"

"No," Collins growled. Denial. Ahh, isn't it a wonderful thing? "I wouldn't care…"

"No you would," Angel insisted, smoothly. "You would, honey. Because he had meant so much love to you… your first love… and love you experience… a small part of it will never die in you. Never. It can't. Because if it did, we'd never learn from our mistakes… we'd never grow up… we'd never learn how to love again after falling down. If we let the love go entirely, would we ever get it back?"

"But what he did—"

"Yeah, he's an asshole, I know," Angel chuckled lightly. "And I'm gonna carry the scars off this asshole forever, you know? And I gotta deal with it… live with it… but I refuse to let it kill me, Collins. I can't. I mean, I survived two knife attacks already so I don't think my time here is up yet. But forgive, baby. Forgive and let it go, cause that's the only way we're gonna get our chance, you know what I'm saying? Accept it, and then let it go. Let Sam go, because I get the feeling that you never did… you never got over his betrayal. And I guess you feared I'd do the same thing—"

"No, I—"

"Let me finish! It's only natural; honey, to compare me with him… I get it. I do! But… how the hell are we gonna get a chance to live our lives together if you won't learn from your mistakes with him? If you won't let go of the guilt you feel over those mistakes?" Angel reached up and gently, cautious of his hand wounds, cupped Collins' face in his hands, stroking his cheeks with his thumbs. "I love you, baby. I forgive you. And I'm letting it go. Will you do the same? Please?"

Collins knew Angel was making sense, and for what was the first time in many months, he could actually feel every muscle in his body relaxing, like Angel's soothing, angelic voice and the beauty of his words had penetrated his heart again and spread through into his blood; through his veins and arteries like an antidote to the poison of guilt, pain, and the fear. Most importantly, the fear… because it was this fear that only exonerated the poisonous, dangerous spread of the guilt and pain.

"What about Julia?" he finally squeaked out, saying the first thing that came to his mind. "What about her? I'm the one—"

"She made the decision, baby," Angel firmly assured. "You didn't stick the needle in her arm. And you didn't make her choose them. You didn't know. Even if you did, you know how hard it is to break a junkie… you know that…"

Okay, I know what you all must be thinking – isn't it supposed to be the other way around? That Angel's supposed to turn into the little weakling while Collins consoles him? How come Angel is being strong in the face of such a huge revelation? Well, who knows for certain? But we can't forget the complexity that is Angel's nature. The best explanation would be that like he said – everything had happened so quickly, and so much of it had happened to him, that nothing was of surprising consequence anymore. A general state of acceptance, maybe. The calmness wasn't masking anything on the inside; this was his true reaction to Julia's revelation. He also saw the tremendous pain she had been in, in confessing to them before falling to the ground… was she truly remorseful? He couldn't say for sure, no one can. But at times like these, who is to make assumptions anymore? It seemed that the more assumptions that were made, the more fucked up things became from them… all he wanted to do now was focus on Collins. And his friends. Recovering. And then finding out the truth.

"I know you forgive me, Ang," Collins sniffed. "That's why I don't know why it's still hurting…"

"Because you haven't forgiven yourself," Angel replied instantly. "That's the only way you can move on. The only way we can move on. It'll take time I know that… but just try, honey."

It was an unspoken connection and maybe Collins did need to hear those words… from Angel, only. Slowly his barriers were breaking down, and he hadn't let go of his past. But staring at Angel who was speaking such strong words yet still in such a vulnerable state, it definitely put things into perspective. Love heals. Love is strong. And I'm not just talking about the love that Angel and Collins share, I'm talking about the friendships too. Collins once wished he could have the pureness and innocent love of Angel; the head-strong nature of Maureen, and the ability to see things like Mark, and to not be afraid to say what he wants like Mimi; to see things logically and clearly like Joanne, or to tell things like it is through passionate words and songs like Roger, or even be able to pick up and leave as easily as Benny… but now as it comes down to the last chance, there was nothing left but himself. Collins could only learn to respect and cherish himself as well as he did his friends for things to be able to get better, that's what Angel was saying. Maybe now the words were finally beginning to sink in.

Angel, believing he had said all that he needed to and didn't want to say another word more, placed his sore hand at the back of Collins' head and his lover took the hint, leaning down – their lips met and pressed against each other, both feeling the warmth and the safety. As the kiss deepened, and they became more involved with each other, all their worries briefly just disappeared… even if it was only momentarily, at least for a split second, there was peace in both of them.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Hmm... I know I said someone was gonna die in this chapter, but I may drag things out just a little bit longer. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Anyway, coming up in the next chapter, Julia reluctantly faces Collins again… and the reaction she gets from him will be priceless. A new character enters as Angel talks to a priest he knew as a child.

We're in the home stretch for the final chapter, which will be happening in about three chapters time (I haven't decided yet, it could change)

Got any final ideas or questions? Let me know! Always open for suggestions or constructive criticism.