DESTROYED

Chapter 30

SUMMARY: WOOT! WOOT! Chapter thirty! Who knew? Well, I had no idea I could drag the story out this long, as after chapter 15 the damn thing kinda wrote itself. Oh and the beautiful reviews I got that boosted my ego enough hahaha! Thanks guys! Much love goes to you all. Anyway – enough of the self-glorification! In this chapter, a reluctant Julia returns to face the consequences of her actions from the two people she fears most now.

I must apologise for the slacking off in updates, it's just because I've been unmotivated to write these past few days. Sigh I'll do better, I promise. Oh, and sorry if this chapter is a little duller than others. This is more of a segue for the next chapter. But I hope you like it all the same.

She hadn't expected to see him so soon; standing outside of Angel's room… she hardly expected him to leave Angel's side. And she certainly hadn't expected him to help her get medical attention… she thought he'd have just left her lying there, and the thought had crossed Collins' mind to do so on more than one occasion. The thought of throwing her against the wall and getting answers from her that way had also entered as a possibility. But the two faced each other, though Julia was staring at the ground, afraid to look at the man, the friend she'd betrayed; though Collins was staring icily at her – his gaze was penetrating and perilous; like all she had to do was say a wrong word and he wouldn't hesitate to go after her. That's probably what would happen, too, but given her revelation Collins had amazing self-control, even surprising himself with his restraint. If he was to get the answers to the questions plaguing him, then aggravating Julia's injuries further wouldn't help his cause… though it may provide some temporary satisfaction and alleviation of the hurt and betrayal he was feeling.

Julia kicked at the ground, nervously fidgeting and trying to think of some sort of explanation that would satisfy her professor, though she didn't expect, nor would ask for forgiveness. She believed she didn't deserve anything but to rot in hell for what she did, and she probably would.

"Tom, I… I don't know what to say," she muttered.

"The truth would be nice," he hissed. "And look at me. You owe me that." Julia knew considerable restraint was being held on Collins' part, and she silently thanked him for that. The least she could do was to look him in the eyes while giving him the answers he was looking for, as crushing as it would be to her. It was kinda a mixed thing for Collins – he didn't know what to think or what to feel… after all, he had done the same thing as she had. Caused considerable hurt and betrayal for his friends… hurt them in ways he never thought he could do. So some may very well say that it would be hypocritical for him to come down on her now, well let's just say he wasn't in the most stable of mindsets. The one thing Collins would NEVER do, though, was mingle with drug dealers and those whom he thought could hurt his friends. Maybe that's the one factor that gave him permission to act as he was and not be held back by the restraints of hypocrisy. Julia deliberately went out to sacrifice Angel for drugs. With Collins, he was in an emotional tailspin… he didn't know what he was doing until he did it. I know, I know, it's no excuse… but it's an explanation. This was so not the same situation and they both knew it.

Julia was more than a little hesitant when it came to obeying Collins' wishes, for she feared what she would find in his eyes when she looked into them. That fear was enough to keep her eyes firmly locked on the same spot on the floor, and Collins sighed in frustration and walked over to her. He violently grabbed her arm and shook her.

"I want answers, Julia," he growled; his eyes almost flashing red with rage. "Now. That's the only thing keeping me from throwing you down those stairs over there." Ooh. Note the intense reaction from Collins… was he losing the plot again? That was not a type of thing he would say… certainly not a threat to a woman. Maybe he was just blinded by his love and dedication not to blow this second chance with Angel that stripped him of every moral and principled fiber in his body when it came to Julia... not that it was very surprising. If I had gone through the hell he's been through, I'd probably be very, very pissed off as well. Who knows?

Julia whimpered as he let go of her arm and lifted her head, and as she expected, he didn't at all look very happy.

"Tom, I…" she stammered, unable to hold the eye contact for very long, so he placed his index finger under her chin and raised her head enough so she was forced to look at him.

"Don't you fucking dare…" he spat, knowing that she was gonna say the words 'sorry' or 'please' or 'forgive me' – he couldn't take any of that bullshit. He just wanted to know the truth right here and now. Angel had convinced him to not lose his temper and to let Julia explain what happened, as her words before she fainted were so cryptic without an accompanying explanation. It hadn't taken him long at all to piece together the likely explanation for her hysterics, and he didn't wanna believe it… but when he saw those needle marks, the reality hit him that Julia Sampson wasn't the young woman he had come to befriend, and once he heard it from her mouth… that would be it. Could he forgive her? Who the hell knows… he can barely forgive himself let alone anyone else. But we all know how much harder it is to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others. So now was the moment of truth when everything would fall apart for them and Julia's dark secrets would be revealed to everyone she had come to know and respect. She didn't know how Collins could stand there in judgment of her when he had fucked up worse than she did – he was the one who set this whole thing in motion to begin with! HE was the one who cheated on Angel; HE was the one who ran away and broke his friends' hearts; HE was the one who lied and deceived everyone… but she was the one who exploited him. She was the one who sold her soul for cocaine. She was the one who was responsible for everything falling apart between them and almost destroying them both for a second time. So really they both were of equal fault, but the difference was this – with Angel being the innocent victim in both of the resulting consequences of their fucked up decision, Julia's motive was of pure monetary value. Collins was just screwed up.
So, in Julia's mind, maybe he did have a right to stand before her, hating her…being repulsed by her… and yes, want to throw her down a flight of stairs. Maybe that was his prerogative to think such negative thoughts to her, especially since she lied to him and said all she wanted to do was help him and Angel, and be there for them all if they wanted her.

"Tell me what you gotta say," the harshness and underlying hated (of himself and her) of Collins' voice broke through. "Tell me it's not what I think it is," he choked up. "Tell me I'm wrong. You know what I mean. Tell me it's not true, Julia… tell me that…"

She didn't respond.

"Look at me, dammit!" he yelled, catching the attention of several nurses and doctors who proceeded to scold him and tell him to quiet down. After apologizing half-heartedly, Collins turned his attention back to the trembling young woman standing in front of him, and folded his arms over his chest. He could be as menacing as ever if he had to be, and the normally quiet, subdue, warm, friendly Tom Collins was now replaced with someone who no longer tolerated all this bullshit that almost cost him everything. Sure enough, Julia was shaking badly and on the verge of tears, yet he felt no sympathy… no urge to reach out to pull her into a hug. No desire to comfort her in this time of distress that she really brought upon herself. In his mind now, the more she delayed telling him the truth, the more she grew scared of him and his reaction… the guiltier it made her seem and subsequently the less he thought of her. Losing respect for someone can happen in an instant, despite the fact that it takes years to build up trust, love, and respect.

"Tom, ple—"

"Say it and I WILL do something I'll probably regret. Just tell me the truth. Now!"

He was forcing her into a position she hoped he wouldn't put her in… she was already feeling guilty enough as it was; she didn't need him to make her feel bad. What could she say that would ease the hurt he was experiencing? God knows he didn't need her begging for forgiveness or putting him in a position which would force him to choose between doing what was right and what he wanted to do. Collins could go on living the rest of his life without seeing her… now he was willing to make that sacrifice. He still held out hope that she hadn't meant what she said before she collapsed, but the look on Julia's face told him that his fears were probably true, as was his logical deduction of all the signs that led to only the one conclusion. Julia's hesitance to look at him was all he needed for confirmation and now she was stepping on his last, already broken down nerve.

"Julia… all I want is the truth. God's honest truth."

Julia fell down onto the chair, gripping the sides of it so tightly it was like she was welded to it. This was all too much and she burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably… again, gaining no sympathy from her now presumably former friend. Collins didn't move from his standing position, and now stood in front of the light which then cast an ominous shadow over the young woman. Finally she looked up and saw the darkness on Collins' face; the seriousness…

"What do you want me to say?" she whispered, her bottom lip quivering. "What does it matter what I tell you? You won't forgive me…"

"Probably not," Collins agreed harshly. "I just wanna know why. Why you did this… if it's true."

"I didn't… I swear, professor," she sobbed. "I didn't… I didn't mean for it to turn out like it did! I didn't know Julian as gonna do it, I swear!"

"But you knew he had a knife, right? You knew what he wanted to do. Even if you didn't, you knew it was putting Angel in danger!" the loss of composure would become evident if he didn't keep a check on himself, but there was no control over this situation. They were walking blindly through it, not knowing how to behave or act or feel. Julia hung her head, wishing he would just stop doing this to her now… she wasn't feeling well and the overwhelmed feeling after everything… she wasn't as mentally up for this as she would have like to have been. But it all had to come to a head sooner or later…

"I don't know what I was thinking!" she replied, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her jacket. "God, you're gonna hate me when I tell you why. I know what I did was stupid!"

"Oh trust me," he bitterly snapped. "I think I already got a good idea what went down. I saw the track marks on your arm."

Julia didn't know what to say to that, though she wasn't surprised… Collins was very intuitive when it came to these things and it wouldn't have been difficult for him to piece 2 + 2 together. Why would she have made arrangements with Sam? What could he possibly have to offer her except… see? It isn't hard to imagine. She tugged at the collar of her shirt and undid a button so she wouldn't feel so claustrophobic in her own clothes.

"You know?" she softly reiterated. Collins nodded, sadly.

"Oh yeah," he gave a soft, sardonic chuckle. "Who'd ever have guessed, huh? I didn't. Before I saw those marks, I didn't wanna believe you'd be in business with Sam Michaels. I saw no reason why you'd associate yourself with scum like that… only now to realise that you're really no better than he is. I wondered 'why would someone as brilliant as Julia even talk to Sam? What the fuck do they have in common?'… Guess I shoulda seen it coming. And yeah I know it's my fault again, for leaving Angel alone… but never did I think betrayal could come from you. Of all people."

The bitterness and hatred of his words were only further deepened into Julia's soul by the softness and lack of aggression from which he spoke. That was only to suggest that his emotional reaction was getting in the way of rational thought. He wasn't hysterical. He wasn't pounding the walls in anger. Julia watched his expression turn from disappointment to confusion and even sadness… responsibility fell onto Collins' shoulders again for he failed to see the warning signs, as subtle and as indiscriminate as they were. She could see that he blamed himself just as much, if not more, than he blamed her. Julia would rather see Collins angry than as sad as he was… anger was very much more of a surfaced-based emotion, it didn't last long – it was something experienced usually in the heat of the moment. A reaction. Often if covered the true pain of someone. But how he was acting now… Julia could actually see the depth of the anguish she had caused him and Angel… she could feel it.

"It had been days without a fix," she closed her eyes as she began to explain. "It was hard. I wanted to be there for you but I couldn't… I wasn't there. It was like I was an empty shell! I could only see and hear things, I couldn't feel anything… I didn't know who Julian was, I swear. And then he introduced me to Sam… I knew what he wanted. I knew what they both wanted." She sniffed and rested her head in her hands, ashamed as she reminisced.

"I said no. I would never do that…" she looked up at him. "But then things got complicated. Sam insisted all he wanted to do was talk to you, and that it was really important. I asked what was so important to him, and he said love. He said he wanted to let you go and that talking to you was the only way to do it. He then offered me two bags of uncut cocaine… worth over $5000. He said there was more. And that he'd take care of me… that I wouldn't have to go back home."

"How did he know about your home situation?"

"I asked him the same thing. He told me he had his sources. He told me he could guarantee that no one would ever find out about the drugs… if they did, I'd be expelled. I'd have a criminal record. I couldn't afford that."

Collins narrowed his eyes. "So you sold out Angel to protect your own interests?"

She shook her head. "No, I told you it wasn't like that! My wanting the drugs was only fueled further when he gave me those assurances. I wasn't thinking about Angel at the time… I wasn't thinking…" Julia looked around the hospital. No one gave them a passing glance as they went about their daily business, though she kinda wished someone would just interrupt them so she could get away. A sudden rush of sadness mixed with frustration and self-loathing came to the surface. Now it was her turn to ramble on.

"What do you want me to say, Tom? What more can I tell you? You want me to get on my knees and beg? Cause I will. I don't know what fucking came over me, and I got no excuses for it! You want me to tell you how fucked up I am? What a horrible, evil person I am? Well you don't have to, cause I already feel like shit, okay! Say what you want to me, do whatever you… throw me down those stairs if you want, because really it won't make one damn bit of difference! It'll be nothing compared to what I'm doing to myself, okay? I know! I know it all, God damn it I have to live with it. I have to feel it. Just like you do, I don't easily get over it… okay, I hate myself. Get it? I'm not proud of what I did, but I did it! And I won't be getting over it anytime soon, so if you want me to wither in pain, then don't worry cause I will be!" she flailed her arms in a desperate way. "I've never don't something like this before, and I never wanna do it again! If it'll make you feel better, you can do whatever the hell you want to me, because I really don't give a fuck anymore, okay? I'm terrified, Collins. I'm scared of what this fucking addiction is doing to me, yes I know I got one and no I don't know how to stop it! It's gotten to the point where I'm hurting you and Angel and that's not something I wanna do! I never wanted to hurt any of you," her tone softened as did her eyes. Collins could see so much in them. Desperation. Fright. A lack of self control. "Please, Tom…" she continued. "You gotta believe me; you HAVE to! I don't know what to do anymore… what else can I tell you! Huh? Just tell me what I gotta do to make things right!"

Collins remained silent. It was his turn to decide now – he could reject Julia for the pathetic little girl she was. Or he could decide to do something he wouldn't normally let himself do… forgive her. But it wasn't his decision to make, he knew, it was Angel's. After all, Angel was the victim that came out of the tragic consequences of Julia's selfishness. It would be up to him. How can it be that he was so mixed up? He was supposed to hate her and want to beat the shit out of her and toss her out of his life forever, but standing there looking down at the terrified, shaking, and obviously remorseful young woman… Julia was someone he cared about very dearly and just like he couldn't stop loving Angel, so to he couldn't stop caring about a friend so easily.

He leaned against the wall, holding back both rage and the desire to cry at the same time, and it wasn't easy. His muscles tensed up and he couldn't bring himself to look at the woman he once held as a close friend… Julia watched him, expectantly. Whatever he wanted to say to her; now was the time to say it. She stood up.

"Tom, I am so sor—"

"Don't," he cut her off softly. He didn't wanna hear it; he didn't need to hear it… and he wasn't the one who should be hearing it. "Shut up. I'm not the one you should be saying it to. Angel almost died because of you. If you're looking for absolution or whatever the fuck it is you need to make yourself feel better… talk to him…" Collins then stepped aside from his position next to the door and made a swift gesture towards the door, silently imploring Julia to go into Angel's room and face the real punishment of what she did. If this was how bad she felt with him, wait until she experienced Angel's wrath – not in a mean kind of way, but she would have to face the very consequences of her decisions and resulting actions. The scars would probably be enough to send her over the edge. Julia hesitated, fidgeting nervously on the spot, before conceding the need for her to do this now before anymore damage was caused. Julia nodded and moved past him. In a split second decision, Collins stepped in front of her to block her path.

"What--?"

Without a word, Collins pulled her into a loving embrace, wrapping his arms around her and closed his eyes. Shocked by the sudden change in his behavior, it was a few moments before Julia responded to the hug… but then she started crying again and buried her head against his neck, sobbing. The one gesture of at least forgiveness on his part was something she desperately needed and forever would she be grateful for the little bit of mercy he seemed to be giving her. Collins was right though, it was from Angel where she would need to do what was right.

"I'm sorry," she whispered against his neck; Collins could feel her warm breath brushing against his skin, sending shivers down his spine. "I'm so sorry, Tom. I didn't mean it; honest to God I didn't mean it!"

"I know," he whispered back, wishing it was easier to forgive her. At least this was a step, right? "I know. I don't know what to do with you now… this ain't up to me, anymore. You betrayed us…"

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "Collins, please! I'm so sorry I was so stupid, I just… need help now, I didn't mean for Angel to get hurt again!"

Saying the word 'again', for Collins, brought everything back into perspective and the context of the situation was not as simple as it may now seem. Angel was injured in the hospital while he was trying to recover from being raped and almost killed by Sam, following a huge argument with Collins whom he hadn't seen for almost three months at that time. When Julia said 'I didn't mean for Angel to get hurt again'… for Collins, he knew that this added stress on Angel was nothing short of his fault anymore than it was Julia's. He bit his lip.

"I know," he replied sadly. He was genuine, too… he knew Julia wasn't the mean, evil person she seemed now… she'd never maliciously hurt anyone for the sake of it. "I can't tell ya I forgive you, baby… but I can't hate you either. It's Angel who needs to hear this from you." Collins kissed her forehead and pulled away to look at her, cupping her face in his hands. This sudden change in him was curious to say the least, and at the most it was shocking… it was because of Julia's recklessness that almost killed Angel.

Julia took a deep breath and looked past him at the closed door of Angel's room, nervous to go in, but afraid not to.

"He won't… he won't wanna listen to me."

"He will. He's strapped to the damn bed with tubes and bandages, I don't think he's going anywhere too soon." He offered a small smile, one of weariness. Collins couldn't bring himself to throw Julia out of his life, not after what she has done from him – if it wasn't for her, he would never have had the courage to come back to Angel. Granted, none of the bad shit would've gone down either but still…

"Angel's a good person," he added with certainty. "A real angel, he is. He'll listen. He's waiting for you, okay? He was the one who convinced me to listen to you long enough and not throw you down the stairs…"

"He did that? Why?"

"Too many witnesses. Only joking," he added quickly after seeing the horrified reaction from her. "I have no fucking idea why. That's just the person he is... but you should ask him," he added lightly. Julia appreciated Collins' attempts to lighten her mood somewhat, given that in all honesty she really did not deserve it. Maybe Angel's beautifully; amazingly loving personality was beginning to rub off on his lover and that so wouldn't be a bad thing at all. Everything was too screwed up for anything to make sense anymore, so maybe it would be easier for Collins to forgive her… maybe it would be easier than to purposefully confront these issues when confrontation wasn't needed.

"Julia, only Angel can tell you if you can make this right. This ain't something I'm ready to forgive you for…the cut is just too deep, you know? But maybe you could work at it. I just think… maybe its best you stay away for a bit. Just until you get help."

Julia nodded, understanding his words. Collins hesitated. "Maybe you also consider maybe turning yourself in…"

She looked up. "What!"

"If you don't, I will. You gotta take the responsibility, girl you know it. The first step to making it right."

"Collins, wait," she protested. "I can't… I can't have a criminal record, I can't—"

"Fuck!" Collins let out an exasperated cry. She was playing both sides here; she couldn't have it both ways. "Julia, you're not getting it! Angel almost died because you set him up. Like I said… I don't know if I can ever forgive you for that, so I have no trouble fucking you over if you force me to. Listen to me. Angel is my concern. Not you. To be totally candid, I don't care what happens to you. Not unless you make the effort to make this right, and you know what you have to do to make things right."

"Collins, please!"

"No. I still care about you Julia, but if you don't do the right thing for Angel now… well I won't have a choice."

Julia was working herself up in to hysterics as the prospect of having to go to jail, something she never really considered until now. The look on Collins' face told her he was so serious about going to the cops. It was an inner battle now… doing the right thing versus self preservation. I think we've all heard this before…

"Tom, I…" she stammered. "I don't—"

"You serious about setting things straight between us?"

"YES!"

"Then you gotta do it. You wanna make things right with Angel? You ain't going near him unless you do it. I was gonna ask for your word on that but then I remembered that your word don't mean shit anymore. Two choices that both happen to be yours." The ultimatum was set, and in all honesty it was a fair one. Collins still considered Julia dangerous to Angel as long as she was still here and wasn't about to leave them alone. He wasn't gonna put Angel through more hell by letting her in to see him, unless it became an absolute necessity that they must speak. Julia stared at him. Just how far was she willing to go to clear her conscience?

"Fine," she gave in, choked up. "Fine, I'll do it."

WITH ANGEL

Patience was not one of Angel's best attributes; he'd be the first to admit. He was slowly learning it though, probably thanks to the time he spent with Collins whose warm, gentle, and patient personality was something that always lit up a room when he entered. Collins kept Angel as grounded as possible without limiting who he was and that was something to be cherished. After putting the phone back on its hook, he pouted as he picked at his nails, wishing badly there was some place nearby that would do an emergency manicure. He hated seeing them in such a terrible state. Angel was brilliant at making use of any resources he could get his hands on to help beautify himself some more, and he was most definitely creative in his abilities to do so. Earlier, wanting to calm down his lover from the state of panicked hysteria, Angel instructed with a lot of insistence, that Collins get himself some food or coffee or whatever and wait for Julia to come back. Angel's trust in him still remained, though wasn't as strong as it used to be and yes, even Angel had his reservations about Collins' mental state and his ability for self control. Now over a week since the initial attack, Angel had plenty to think about and dwell on, but for the sake of his own sanity he chose not to. A little surprised he was that the police yet to come and see him, but glad they haven't.

"Shit!" he muttered, seeing a tiny crack in the top of his nail, one of many that needed serious polishing and filing. "Damn it! Where's a manicurist when you need one?" figuring he could charm his way into getting Collins to buy him one of those cheap, not-the-best-quality nail filers and nail polish, Angel reluctantly relaxed and stopped worrying about it for the time being.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK

Angel looked up just in time to see the hospital room door creak open and the sight of his boyfriend brought a warm smile to his face.

"Hey baby," he weakly greeted with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. Forget Sam and Julian. He was just happy to still be alive.

"What you---" he stopped when Collins walked into the room, and behind him the young woman followed closely, holding onto his arm for support. Trembling, Julia stared at Angel who seemed to be looking more puzzled than anything else. Understandably, he was confused as to the seemingly calmness of Collins' demeanor, and letting the girl who almost killed Angel to actually use him for support. What the hell was going on?

"Umm, Collins…?" he started but trailed off when he couldn't find the words to continue. Sensing Angel's confusion and obvious discomfort, Collins let go of Julia and moved to his lover's bedside.

"Want me to stay?" he asked softly, out of earshot from the girl. Angel nervously glanced back and forth between them and didn't have an honest answer. A part of him wanted Collins to stay and just hold him in what was such a tense situation, but the other part was telling him that he and Julia needed to speak alone. That this was something that she couldn't do with Collins watching over her. "Ang?"

"Um… no, no it's okay," Angel assured. "I think I got it."

"I really think I should—"

"Collins, it's all good, honey. I'm okay." Angel insisted, rubbing Collins arm for added assurance.

"It won't take long."

Collins hesitated and debated the choices he had in front of him, and knew the only thing he would do would be something that resulted in what was best for Angel. But what exactly that was, he didn't know. With great reluctance, Collins finally agreed and placed a soft kiss on Angel's lips, savoring every second of it and pulled back to look at Julia. Whatever would happen between these two, he wanted to be there but understood that Angel wanted this time alone.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I apologise for it taking so long to post this new chapter. No motivation. Go figure. Anyway, next chapter Angel and Julia talk and Angel's childhood priest comes for a visit.