DISCLAIMER: I don't own CL, Blue Collar, the comedians or any of their material.
Chapter 2: Ulrich stern-Jeff Foxworthy.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ulrich Stern!
Ulrich: Hello everybody. Odd Della Robbia everyone! You know women are so emotional. You know me and my wife usually watch 20/20 and Dateline and they have this thing called 'Disease of the week.' And my wife, Yumi, no matter what it is, thinks she has the featured disease. She's like, "I have that disease. I have every one of those symptoms."
I'm like, "You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have testiculars." And now they have these medicines. Back in my day there were two medicines, Advil and liquor. Now they have some that have side effects that are worse than what that medicine cures. Let me give you an example "Try new Floorafloor for those itchy eyes. Side effects may include: Nausea, indigestion, heart burn, upset stomach, stuffy nose, great risk of heart attack, fiareah, lireah, diarrhea, halitosis, scoliosis, back ache, liver problems, low gas mileage, brain damage, low value on your home and anal seepage." I sitting there saying "I'm fine with the itchy eyes."
I went to school in France and we used to play tricks on the local Burger King. One time their was a sign that said' Interom broken, please pull to the next window.' My friends and me put a sign over it and it read: 'Intercom broken,please yell your order.'And so many people fell for it. It was like, "CAN I GET A NUMBER THREE! HELLO? " We had some good times as kids.
And now our kids. They are so embaressing. I have two kids.My oldest is aboy named Ryan and my youngest is a girl named Kimberly.One day when they were 3 and 5 years old my boss came over and I told Kim to say hi. So she lifted up her dress and I saw her diaper. And Ryan talked her into it.
I was like, "Yeah boss how do like the Winnie the Pooh training pants? I wearing the Lion King ones myself. Roar." Then seven years later I get back at them. And I didn't even mean to. One day I was in the school drop off zone and I run out of gas. The people are honking their horns and yelling. So the next day I pull up and there are teachers there to help the kids into the school because of the icy ground.
So I poke my head out the window and yell, "I have gas this morning!"
My kids were like "Just go. Just leave." If that has ever happened to you...you might me a redneck.
We had some good ones this year. If you've ever been on television more than 5 times
describing what the tornado sounded like...
You might be a redneck.
If you've ever cut your grass and found a car...
You might be a redneck.
If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade...
You might be a redneck.
If you've eversold a real tattoo you already have on your body...
you might be a redneck.
If you've ever made change in the offering plate...
you might be a redneck.
We have words in the south of America they don't have in other parts of the country and I lived
there for almost all of my adult life.
Now,if youcome to the south, we have words like...yu'nt to. That means do you need to.
An example: We're going to the mall, yu'nt to?
I like this word a lot...aight.
That's a word in Texas...aight.
Round lunchtime every day, you'll hear somebody say,
"Hey jeet yet, naw, dju? Yu'nt to? Aight." And I have no clue what that even means. Me friend from Texas said that to me once.
If you go to the family reunion to meet women...
you might be a redneck
If you smoked during your wedding...
you might be a redneck.
And last but not least
if you see a sign that says say no to crack,
and it reminds you to pull your jeans up...
you might be a redneck. You guys have been great. Thanks for listening.
Please review and tell me who you want me to do next. Give the Lyoko charecter and Blue Collar Comedian.