Jeremy Belpois-Ron White.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, here's Mr. Jeremy Belpois!
Jeremy: Hey there! Hey, you ever take a crap so big your pants fit better? I hope that happens to me tonight. I think I might be one huge crap away from backing in to an old wardrobe. Now they have this thing called a "Bladder Problem Awareness Program." Look, if you have a bladder control problem you're probably aware of it. Either that or in some type of denial that I never even heard of.
It would be like,"Well I have some moisture in this area and I don't know if it's condensation due to high humidity or I'm pissin' myself."
In China they started a space program, which is totally different than the American program. You see in the Chinese program, Tang, is one of the astronauts. That would be cool though, being an astronaut. But my brother's a doctor, my sister's an attorney and I hate Thanksgiving. Last year my brother told a story about how many lives he saved and my sister told a story about how many cases she won.
So my mom is like, "Well Jer? Anything new in your career?"
And I go "Yeah! I got a new bit about sticking my nipple in a toaster!"(Says jealously) I should have told my story first.
I'm a cowboy, a real cowboy! The only thing I don't do like a cowboy is go hunting. And it's not because I think it's more holy to eat an animal that has been shot to death by someone else. It's because it's five AM, it's really cold and I don't want to go.
But my cousin Rodney is a hunter and I would like to do for you my impression of my cousin Rodney. "It was four in the morning. The air was crisp and cool. Of course you weren't there, pussy! I got on my camouflage uniform. I got deer urine on my boots, not sure why." I made that part up. " I got my 3.25 millimeter gun that can shoot a bullet at 222 ft per second. So when that deer got up to lick the salt lick I hung from the tree, I hit right above the eye."
And I go, " Well I hit a deer with a van! Traveling at 55 miles per hour. With the headlights on and the horn blowing!"
I got married to a wonderful girl named Aelita. She's rich, so marry a rich girl if you get the chance. I'm just kidding, she's not rich, but her parents are l-ooooooooo-adeeeeeeeeed! And they hate my guuuuuuuuuuu-ts and I'm waiting for them to d-iiiiii-eeee! I think they would want to die because they would never have to see my fat ass again.
So one day I was with my wife and this guy comes up to me and says, " I know you. You're from that Blue Collar deal."
And I go "Thank you very much." Which was a stupid thing to say because he didn't say if he liked me or not.
So he goes "I don't like how you insulted Garth Brooks."
I go, "I'm sorry I know he's a great guy,but it was just a joke."
He goes, " I once camped for five days to get into a Garth Brooks concert."
I go, "Really, I wouldn't camp for five days if I was camping."
When I first met my wife she had a fifteen dog-year old Scottish terrier. I was thinking, "No, I can't go through the death of this dog with her." A week later, thunk, dead! That dog was fifteen dog-years old. If you want to beat that by a lot, you have to get a turtle or a tree.
So I call Foxworthy and go, "Man, she's crying like crazy. What do a do?"
He goes, "Get her another dog." Or however he talks.
So I take her to the pet shop and she's like, "I don't want a new dog, I don't want a new dog." But, we get there and they're bouncing in the windows like, 'Pick me. Pick me.' I give her one and it heals her heart. So her father died a few weeks a go. I think I see a way out of this.
So I take her to the retirement home and she's like, "I don't want a new daddy, I don't want a new daddy." But, we get there and they're bouncing in the windows like, 'Pick me. Pick me.' I give her one and it heals her heart.
Last year I got my wife a diamond ring and at the jewelry store there was a sign that said 'Diamonds are forever.' The slogan the year before was 'Diamonds, take her breath away.' This year it's 'Diamonds, render her speechless.' Why don't they just say it, 'Diamonds, that will shut her up.' For about two minutes.
One time I was sitting in a beanbag chair naked eating cheetos® and this guy comes on TV and says, "Are you bored?"
I go, "Yeah."
He goes, "Are you lonely."
I go, "Yeah."
"Have spent most of your adult life behind bars pursuing desires of the flesh?"
I'm thinking, "This guys good."
"Are you sitting in a bean-bag chair, naked, eating cheetos®?"
I yell, "YES SIR!"
He goes, "Do you have the urge to send me one-thousand dollars."
"Close!" I thought he was talking about me for a second.
One time a went to a bar in New York and I was wearing a hat and the bar tender goes, "TAKE OFF THE HAT!"
I go, "Sure, why?"
He goes, "Only gay people wear hats like that around here!"
I go, "Really? The only way we can tell that in Texas is if someone has a hair cut like yours." So, I take of the hat and have a few drinks. I put my hat back on because I forgot. Ever forget? Happened to me. So a guy pokes me on the shoulder and goes "Your out of here!"
And I go, "I don't think so Sea-biscuit." They threw me,didn't push me, threw me out of the bar and started to fight me. I didn't know how many people it would take to kick the living crap out of me. But, I knew how many they were going to use. So the cops come and they say, "Mr. Belpois, you are being charged for being drunk in public."
So they call for my police record, and satellites are linking up in outer space, computers at NASA are turning on and a telegraphic machine in Texas is going, 'Beep beep a dit, ba dip a dip dip. Beep beep a dit, ba dip a dip dip. Beep beep a dit, ba dip a dip dip.' This part takes a while. 'Beep beep a dit, ba dip a dip dip. Beep beep a dit, ba dip a dip dip. Beep beep a dit, ba dip a dip dip. Beep!
I told you that story so I could tell you this story. When I was 20 I was arrested for being drunk in public. If you knew Morse code, you'd see the pattern. So, they bring me down to the station and the police chief goes, "Do you have any aliases?" And I was being a wise guy so I went, "Yeah. They call me 'Tater Salad!'" So back in New York the copshave me up against a wall and the cop goes, "Are you Jeremy 'Tater Salad' Belpois?"
I go, "You got me! You caught the Tater." You guys were great. Thanks for playing along.
Hey guys, sorry for the wait, but it's here now and if anyone has any more suggestions on who should be Larry, please say it in a review.