Well, I know I said it was going to be a one-shot, but I've gotten so many wonderful reviews that I decided to add this. Maybe one more, if I get enough interest.
Still, when my story gets 139 hits, and only 5 reviews?
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Dear Diary.
He can't stand to look at me. Like I'm a bug on his shoe, or something really nasty from some planet I've never seen. He turns away, every time. I thought that maybe things would be ok, even though, yeah, he's different then he was.
Mebbe we could be friends, at the very least, ya know? Like even if he didn't love me, that I could stick around. Guess that's not going to happen now.
But I don't get it, he took me back. Acted like he wanted me to stay, like he might even still care. And then he turns around and does this. Acts all vacant and far away. Was it pity? I don't even want to ask, just in case the answer is Yes.
I hate the mixmatching though! Oh yeah, mixmatching, like, when he says one thing, and then acts totally different. I really hate that.
And yeah, I know he's still trying to get over this whole regeneration thing, so I'm trying to give him his space. And all I have to work off of is what I know of the one before him.
My Doctor.
He would need his space right now, so I'm just doing the best I can. I know he's still awake out there, puttering around with whatever it is that he does all night. Thinks I'm asleep, he does. But I don't sleep too much anymore, too much on my mind I guess.
And that's just it, 'I guess'. Cuz I don't know anymore, and in the dark moments, like right now, I wonder, "Did I ever?"
Like, how much can anyone really know a 900 year old alien from another planet? 'Specially one as close-lipped as he is. Really, would it kill him to open up once in a while!
I think I'm going to ask him to send me home.
There. I said it. Down on paper, and I can't erase it. The words are staring at me like some ugly little toad. I don't want to go. I want to run out there, screaming at him, telling him how much I love him, even now.
Even when it feels like I've completely betrayed him. Former him. However it works.
But I don't WANT TO GO! I want to keep him safe, and make sure that nothing like this ever happens again. I want to see him smile, and hear him laugh, and…
Yeah, since I'm being all honest tonight, I'll say it. Write it all down and make it official.
I want to do a lot more then that. But those thoughts are X-rated, and I'm not going into anymore detail.
And I wonder if this Doctor does domestic. Scares me how often I wonder that, because it's serious, and it's really only going to get me hurt. Because he still looks at me like a bug.
And that's on the good days, when he looks at me at all.
'Cuz I don't know how to let him go, and I can't turn away from this. This feeling like I'm never going to be whole, or happy, unless he's with me. Like I was never even alive until he grabbed my hand, and told me to run.
But that wasn't even him. That was the one before him, the one I still sort of expect to see when I walk into the other room in the morning.
And I'm watching all the little digital numbers on my clock ticking over, telling me that my alarm is going to ring in a little while, and tell me to get my butt out of bed. Usually I fall asleep before this, leaving a squiggly mark of ink on my page, and half-printed letters smudged on my face.
Beautiful, no wonder he can't stand to look at me. Just a dumb ape, less then dirt. Less then the Slitheen.
Maybe he thinks I'm worth less then the Daleks?
I don't think so though, because he hates them. And I don't think he hates me. Actually, I know he doesn't hate me, just doesn't want me around anymore. Cluttering up his ship, and being all Myself.
And I hate myself, because I couldn't save him. And I don't know how we got off the Gamestation, but obviously it turned out alright. But I couldn't save him, and I don't even know what he did, so I can't really thank him for saving me.
Bet I didn't do anything important. Just got in the way, as usual. Still, another thing I can't ask him. Can't stand knowing the answer. The result is the same.
I couldn't save him, and can't stand the sight of me.
And how do I tell him to take me home? When I can't even stand the sight of the words? Ask him to come round at Christmas, and try not to wonder what he's been doing?
Watch at this wonderful blue box disappears into the Ether, and dream of where it might be going. Or the incredible things that he's doing. Worse yet, the danger that he could be in. And year by year, as he simply forgets to come back, and find someone better.
Then be alone, because I know that nobody, ever, is going to compare. Be an old spinster, dreaming of the man I had to let go? Or marry Mickey? Be all settled down, I know he'd never tell me No.
But he'd never take me to amazing places, or light up the room with just the power of a smile. And he'd never be able to hold my heart in his hands, like the Doctor does. So then I just have to walk away, and get used to the gaping hole in my chest.
And try to be normal, when I hate normal. Write about my adventures in a book that nobody will ever read, and work in a shop during the day.
But he'd be happier, because I wouldn't be here. And he could go off and do whatever he wanted, and not be tied down by some dumb ape that doesn't know anything.
So does his happiness mean more then my life? A real life, rather then existing? I really wish that question was harder to answer.
Because that's it then. Yes. Yes his happiness does mean more, and it's the least I can do. Show how much I love him, by leaving him alone. And no more silly questions, and he doesn't have to worry about me being too slow.
I only hope the next person he finds is better. Can make him really, really happy.
And when did I stop drawing the line between one Doctor, and the next? The one who loved me (I think.) and the one who can't stand being in the same room with me.
I'll tell him today, this morning.
Damn, there's the alarm clock beeping. Time to face the music.
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This chapter is dedicated to Evil-Demandred, (on ff.n) for the wonderful review that convinced me to write at LEAST one more chapter.
Thanks also to:
Skydancer
Erika
NeatScribble
Megoddess2
And UnseenCharacters
You guys are the best!
On another note, I do occasionally Beta for people, and any questions/comments (or if you just want to chat!) can add me to MSN on