Title: "The Persian Campaign"
Author: BalianswordChapter: 3, "Secret Threads"
Warning: Sexual content in this chapter.
A/N: Hope everyone is enjoying so far. Thanks for reading and reviewing. If you haven't reviewed, I smile at you and ask you to. For anyone worrying about Hephaestion and Cassander getting too close, do not fear. Nothing can come between Hephaestion and Alexander in the end. For now –we'll see.
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It hurt more when he woke up but he still managed to sit up and push himself away from the bed. What time was it? He glanced out to the balcony and saw the just darkening sky. He turned, saw a goblet of wine on the table, and brought it to his lips. He quickly threw on something presentable, a black Macedonian attire which draped over a shoulder, and ran a hand through his hair. He then left the room, reaching back for the goblet and taking it with him. As he stepped into the hall he could already hear the sounds of the feast. It was like Alexander to celebrate a victory for days at a time.
Cassander entered the room. No one seemed to care that he'd been absent for an entire day. Many of them had been in the arms of new lovers as well. They didn't need to know about where he was, or what had happened to him. Cassander figured that after a week, or two, someone would have come to find him. But he then felt the golden goblet, heavy in his hand, and looked down. Someone already had though, hadn't they?
He looked up, scanning the room. First he saw Alexander, who was already becoming tipsy on his legs. The king called out something, some random toast, and then sat back down. Cassander couldn't help but glare at the eunuch that came and stood next to him. Barbarians, they all were. That one was no different. Alexander was a fool to let him so close, and was a fool to push the one that should be at his side away. Hephaestion wasn't at his side, wasn't near at all in fact. Cassander turned and looked around the room again but was interrupted by the filling of his glass. He glanced back to the Persian girl who then seemed to dance away, but he soon was back to thinking about Hephaestion.
After a moment he saw him. Hephaestion's eyes gave him away when nothing else about him did. He wore a Persian robe and had lined his eyes with black. A golden band held his hair back, and Cassander knew well what had happened. Fancy things were not to his taste, but it didn't matter what he liked when Alexander dressed him. Cassander watched him for a moment, watched as he let his cup be refilled, and then as he brought it to his lips. He sipped at the wine, but Cassander knew it was not his first cup. Hephaestion then turned his back, and Cassander could see each muscle there ripple, even though he should have been able to see nothing. He glanced at Cleitus, who was drunk beyond reason, who was telling a Persian concubine about what it was like to be under the command of the son of a god.
Cassander let his eyes roll, knowing no one would notice as he walked by. Alexander was not the son of a god. He was just a man. Cassander had long ago stopped believing the tale, even though as children, all the others did. He then looked at Hephaestion's sculpted face as he turned and looked over his shoulder. Cassander did not believe in Alexander's myth, but he did believe in Hephaestion's. Only a god could possess such eyes and such a presence. And only a god would be able to put up with Alexander's neglect.
He would never say that Hephaestion was a god. He wouldn't say it because if Hephaestion were a god his heart wouldn't break so. But he would admit that against all other men Hephaestion was the divinest of them all. Cassander paused in his stride as Hephaestion turned and slowly came toward him. Yes, he was a divinity that could make even the great Aphrodite yearn to be better looking, and Athene would wish that she were as wise. Hephaestion may not be a god, but he was the only man in the world that could compete with them, and he was the only man in the world that would win.
Hephaestion then turned and spotted Cassander. His lips began to turn up in a smile but Cassander did not return such a look. Instead he kept his jaw tight and looked away, searching for another to speak with. He did not feel like being around Hephaestion now, did not feel like masking himself, but at the same time he didn't feel like revealing anything to the man. The strangest of feelings came over him when Hephaestion was near, feeling welled up inside of him that he'd not known could be. Before he could find somewhere to disappear to Hephaestion approached though. There was no hiding now.
"Cassander," Hephaestion said lightly as he crossed the room to stand beside him. He brought his wine to his lips, his cerulean eyes then looked another way. He continued to look away, to where Alexander sat, until he lowered the goblet. His attention then turned back to Cassander, his eyes no longer searched for others, for he looked only at Cassander now.
"Did you tell them," Cassander asked acidly. He did not pretend to be Hephaestion's friend, for he wasn't. They had never been friends and never would be. As children they had learned to hate one another, and in doing so Cassander felt that he'd come to hate his best ally, the one just like himself. Cassander raised his goblet to his lips and drank greedily. Hephaestion blinked, hurt by the bitterness in Cassander's voice, and looked away. He took a silent breath before answering, trying to hide his nervousness and hurt from Cassander, but Cassander knew what he inflicted upon others. He knew all too well what his bitterness did to those around him, especially Hephaestion.
"No." Hephaestion then glanced over at him again, his eyes glittering from the light of the flames that danced around the room. He then took another sip of wine before he began to leave. It was apparent to him that Cassander no longer required his company. Stepping away he heard Cassander let out a small tsking noise, which caused him to look over his shoulder.
"Running away," Cassander asked mischievously. He raised an eyebrow and took another sip of wine, noting to himself that he would need more soon. Yet he didn't look for a serving girl. Instead he continued to raise an eyebrow to Hephaestion, his eyes all the while testing him, daring him to come back. After a second's thought Hephaestion turned back and took his place at Cassander's side once more.
"I didn't think so," Cassander teased. He then moved slightly so that he could see Alexander and the Persian next to him. Hephaestion followed his glance. The pain was written on his face, his lips forming a frown, and his body seemed to sag as the weight of the world was placed on his shoulders. Not knowing what to say Cassander said the first thing that came to his mind. "He really is an interesting whore isn't he?"
"Which one," Hephaestion asked before he knew the thought had escaped his head. He froze immediately and glanced fearfully over at Cassander. Cassander just tried to stifle his laugh, bringing the goblet again to his lips, draining his wine.
"Both."
"I didn't mean that," he quickly made known. Before more could be said a girl came and refilled his glass even though he had half left. Cassander eagerly accepted more, and began drinking once more.
"Unquestionably you meant it. I was thinking of the Persian though. There is something about him that I don't trust." Hephaestion did not reply, just sipped his wine. Cassander felt like being edgy, just to get his attention once more, so he made a jab as he always did. It may hurt Hephaestion he knew, but it was true, and necessary for him to know. "He'll take your place in Alexander's bed soon. I hear their whores are expertly trained."
"You would know," Hephaestion shot back resentfully.
Cassander smiled, glancing over at Hephaestion. Well, so he knew then. It wasn't like Cassander to turn down the favors of a woman after a long surge of fighting and being alone in a camp of soldiers. The only thing that surprised him was that Hephaestion knew about his earlier involvement with one of Darius' concubines, who just so happened to be expertly trained, and looking back on it he didn't complain.
"She was just a girl," he replied though, with a laugh. Hephaestion calmly took another sip of wine. He then shook his head and glanced over at Cassander. If he wanted to play this game, he was in the perfect mood to cut back at him.
"I meant your mother."
Cassander's eyes suddenly met with his, his face was slightly reddened. Without hesitation he shoved Hephaestion with his free hand. Hephaestion recovered and then shoved him back. Only Hephaestion knew where to hit him to make it count. Pushing against his stitches Cassander let out a breath of pained air. He then brought the wine back to his lips and took a deep drink. Fighting Hephaestion at the moment not be the best idea.
"When did you become so merciless," he then asked Hephaestion.
"When you became to weak." Cassander laughed at this. He raised and eyebrow and shook his head. Lightly hitting Hephaestion's goblet with his he next took a drink.
"One thing," Cassander swore. "Do not ever think that you are stronger than I. Understand this," he said, pushing a finger into Hephaestion's chest. "You might be Alexander's lover, and his best known general, but without him you don't exist. You stand for nothing without Alexander. You don't even stand on your own feet. I am stronger than you in so many ways Hephaestion."
"Really, are you?"
"You cannot even imagine," Cassander said as he shoved Hephaestion back lightly. He then turned and marched away. Hephaestion watched him, watched as he slowed and took a concubine by the elbow, and led her out with him. It was interesting to him, how Cassander found himself only able to take a woman when he was angry at the world. But he couldn't truly begin to understand the problems Cassander faced involving such situations.
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Cassander continued to thrust. His breath was heavy, his actions vigorous, but he couldn't satisfy his urge. The concubine beneath him didn't seem to notice though. She was concerned only in her own passions as she cried out, reaching her climax. Cassander thrust few more times into her before he cursed and abruptly removed himself from above her. He fell on his back, staring up at the ceiling. The woman beside him breathed heavily, but still managed to roll herself next to him, resting her head on his chest.
"Did you enjoy yourself," she asked him, her accent heavy.
"Get out," Cassander said, shoving her hand away as she tried to brush his cheek. She did as she was told, used to such things. She grabbed her simple garments from the floor and retreated quietly from the room. Cassander continued to lie on his back, raising an arm behind his head. He sighed, then cursed once more.
For three years now things had been different from him. It wasn't the women, for he still found himself attracted to many beauties. Not to mention he'd been perfectly able to satisfy their needs, letting them reach their climax, but he couldn't reach his own. After a moment he let his free hand slide beneath the sheet, knowing how completely pathetic it was. As soon as he'd done it, completed what should have been reached with the concubine, he withdrew his hand.
He put his clothing on and decided to go for a walk instead of sleep. It was late, but it didn't matter. He wanted to get the thoughts in his mind clear. He left the palace, entered the Persian gardens, and looked around. He stopped when he saw someone else there, lying on their back, staring up at the stars. Cassander silently watched for a moment before Hephaestion put a hand in the air and with a finger gestured for Cassander to proceed. Cassander sighed, he'd never be able to sneak up upon Hephaestion, and his failure aggravated him all the more.
Cassander lowered himself onto his back next to Hephaestion and gazed up at the stars. Once long ago someone had told them they were the eternal flames of great men. Aristotle had called them balls of gas. Either way, they were beautiful, and they never changed. They never felt, like he did, never felt pain, love, loss, joy, or insecurity. They just were. They never grew old, never died. The thought enraged him even more. He hated the stars, even though he was perfectly aware that they were inanimate objects.
"What's wrong," Hephaestion asked.
"You mean besides everything?"
"All right."
Cassander sighed. He knew that he wasn't going to tell Hephaestion. He couldn't tell him. It was ridiculous to think that Hephaestion would listen to him, not to mention not laugh at him. His private business was his own. He couldn't share it with anyone, not something so terrible. It would be absurd. He'd rather kill himself than say it out loud.
"I can't do it," he found himself saying.
"Do what," Hephaestion asked. He didn't look over at him, but continued to look at the night sky. Yet there was no hint of jesting in his voice. He just asked, truly not sure what Cassander was talking about. But his simplicity made Cassander comfortable, and he continued, even though he didn't want to.
"Get there."
"Get where?"
"I can't climax," he said in a sudden burst of quickness. He continued to speak, taking no breath, his anger spilling out. "I used to be able to. I could take a woman, please myself, and then maybe get to her. Now, I can only get her to scream. I can get to the peak, but then, nothing. I just cannot satisfy myself and the damnable gods are doing this to me for no reason!"
Hephaestion glanced over at him. His lips parted as if he were going to speak. His eyes gave away that he held a question back. Yet he looked away before asking and in silence stared up at the stars once more. Cassander, feeling as if he'd been tricked into giving so much of himself away to him, snapped at him when he said nothing in return.
"Well? Ask!"
"Its not important," Hephaestion said.
"How can it not be important? If I cannot consummate a relationship then I might as well be a eunuch. I'm a failure, one that I didn't used to be."
"I only meant my question."
"Ask it," Cassander ordered. He was on the verge of being hysterical now. It was a mixture of the wine and the rage. Hephaestion was used to the same behavior from Alexander. "Please, ask whatever it takes for you to help me with this Hephaestion."
"Have you been with many women?"
"Hundreds." Hephaestion glanced over at him. Cassander felt himself wanting to hit him. The bastard didn't believe him. Why shouldn't he believe him? "Fine, hundreds of times, about thirty women."
"Men?"
"What about them," Cassander said as he quickly sat up. He knew what Hephaestion was asking, and the other knew it. Hephaestion didn't need to clarify the question. He just lay silently, concentrating on the stars, waiting to see one move perhaps. "No. Never."
"Have you desired men?"
"I am not like a eunuch if this is what you are trying to say," Cassander fired back at him angrily. The word gay was not yet invented, and it was not frowned upon for a man to be with another man in a sexual or loving way, as long as they returned to women. But eunuchs never had women, only men, and that at times was slightly frowned upon –yet forgiven, for that was the purpose of a eunuch, to please other men.
"I was merely asking."
"By Hades how can you be so calm? You can't just ask me if I grow hard for men and just lie there and say nothing! For the love of Aphrodite, I am not a Ganymede. I've had women, I've pleased myself with women. I just can't anymore."
"For how long," Hephaestion asked quietly. Cassander hated his calmness. He wouldn't even look away from the damned gas balls in the sky to look at him. He hated him! Why was he telling him anything? He glanced over at him and envisioned himself strangling him, choking him, smothering him until his breath was no more.
"Three years," he answered bitterly.
"Maybe you're doing something wrong. Something may be different from when you first began."
"Easy for you to say, you've only been Alexander's whore. You don't know the love of a woman. It's easy for you to say that to me because you don't know anything."
"And you've never been with a man," Hephaestion shot back. For the first time he looked up at Cassander. Immediately Cassander wanted to take the comment about him being a whore back. There was a sadness in his eyes, tears even, that Cassander had failed to notice. So that was what he'd been doing alone out here. He'd been crying. Cassander lay back down, staring at the stars. Maybe the answers were there. Hephaestion seemed to stare at them a lot and he didn't have these kinds of troubles.
"Why aren't you with Alexander?"
"Because he is."
That was all that needed to be said. It was easy to be neglected by Alexander, but never before had Alexander taken another. Hephaestion had watched as Bagoas had led him from the room. Alexander was already practically undressing the boy as he was helped down the hall. Hephaestion had followed, slowly, waiting for Bagoas to emerge from the room. Yet he never had. Hephaestion knew well enough what was going on in the king's chambers.
Cassander continued to stare at him, his features softening. He knew the feeling of being unwanted, unneeded. It was a feeling he'd carried with him for years. But it was something that Hephaestion had never felt before. He'd come close, but this was the first time it had clung to his heart, weighing him down. Sighing, Cassander stared up the stars, not knowing what else to say. But from the corner of his eye he saw the single tear that slid down Hephaestion's cheek and fell to the ground.
"Why didn't you tell anyone," Hephaestion finally asked. Cassander knew he was speaking of the wound on his abdomen. He protectively put a hand over the new stitches, feeling them beneath his garments. Had he thanked Hephaestion for saving his life? Likely not, but what did it matter, he surely knew.
"I had it under control. There was no need to take time away from those that needed it."
"Why did you tear it open?"
"Why not," Cassander asked. "Do you think that Alexander is going to stop? Do you think he's had enough? He is just going to continue. There is no point. One way or another I will be killed. I just thought that maybe I should do myself in. That way I wouldn't have to suffer anymore."
"You don't have to be lonely."
"Who said I was lonely," Cassander implored. There was truth to the statement. But how had Hephaestion known? What was it that enabled him to find the weaknesses in others? He couldn't help but thinking of killing him again, but he knew he'd never do such. He wouldn't be able to. As pathetic as it was Hephaestion was the closest thing to a friend he had.
"No one had to," Hephaestion said as he pushed himself up, standing with a fluent motion, his muscles rippling. Cassander watched him, wondering where he was going. He sat up, turning and watching Hephaestion as he silently walked away. He didn't have to ask though. Hephaestion slowed, putting a hand on a pillar, he then glanced back over his shoulder at Cassander. "I'm going to my room. I'll leave the door unlocked."
With that he turned and disappeared down the hallway. Cassander cursed. What made Hephaestion think he could just leave? He'd shared secrets with him that he would have never mentioned to another. He would have rather killed himself, despite the fact he knew Hephaestion was understanding, and that no other would ever hear his confessions. Cassander looked up at the stars once more before he stood and hurried back to his room.
He slammed the door upon entering and dropped down onto his bed. He stared up at the ceiling. He closed his eyes and tried to drift to sleep. Suddenly he opened his eyes and flung the sheet away from him. He rose, still fully clothed with the exception of his sandals, and left the room. He quietly went down the hall, looking for the glances of others, but many were still feasting. Those that had been able to walk were back asleep in their own beds.
Cassander stopped in front of the door to Hephaestion's room. He bit his lower lip before turning back. He only made it a few feet down the hall before he had to turn again. He cursed himself for being so weak before he entered the room. He shut the door with an expertise silence and locked the door. He then entered the darkness, slowly feeling around while his eyes adjusted to the darkness. Finally he found the bed and pulled the sheet away. He crawled onto the bed, found his chest against Hephaestion's back. Hephaestion was on the verge of sleep but had heard him enter, despite his trials to keep himself silent. Cassander draped an arm over Hephaestion's waist, letting it hang limply.
"Don't even think about touching me," Cassander said as he buried his face in Hephaestion's soft hair. Hephaestion didn't move though, just closed his eyes again, and let a slight smile come to his lips. He then drifted to sleep, while Cassander fell asleep as well, his soft breath lingering on Hephaestion's neck.