Disclaimer: If you don't know it by now, I don't own them.
Sidenote: The lyrics are to matchbox20's 'Unwell' which I wasn't going to call it because I thought it was a bit obvious, but while I was waiting to think of a another song title to call it, I heard this song on the radio like, five different times in one day, and so I knew that I was meant to name it this. Anyway, this is the last chapter and I hope ya'll have enjoyed it. After this, I'm taking a break and let's be honest, I need it; this and my last story haven't exactly been fantastic and I think I just need to pause a bit and read some, perhaps write some of my own original stuff for a while. Please don't forget about me while I'm gone, I will be back. Enjoy!
The week was hard. I hadn't really realized what it was going to be like without Logan there with me. It was ridiculous when I thought about it; he was only a person, why did it hurt so badly for him to just be away for a week. Yes, though my head knew he was going to be back soon, my heart ached for him to be there right then. We spoke nearly every night before I would go to bed, but it still wasn't enough. I was missing something bigger than someone to cuddle with in order to get to sleep, bigger than someone with whom I swapped sarcastic banter everyday, with him being gone it was as though there was a part of me missing, a huge part and during that week I realized just how much I genuinely loved him. I had never felt such overwhelming emotions for anyone and without him; storm clouds seemed to follow me, casting their rain of sadness down upon me, making me ache to see him. It was during that time that I knew there would never be another man like him and he was truly, without a shadow of a doubt, the absolute love of my life.
"How are you feeling today, Layla?" Professor Xavier asked me.
I was sitting outside in the garden reading on one of the benches. Logan and Scott had been gone for nine days, I hadn't heard from them in two, and I was trying to keep my mind from wondering about what could possibly have happened that they wouldn't be able to contact me.
"I'm uh…I'm doing alright, just trying to keep myself busy," I said with a weak smile.
"And how is that working?" he asked, stopping his wheel chair in front of me.
"Not so well, actually. What could be keeping them this long in Tennessee?"
"The jet broke down, Scott's doing his best to try to fix it as soon as possible, but it's been quite difficult. However, I do believe that he and Logan will return home very soon,"
I let out a sigh of relief. "Good, I'm glad they're okay," I said. "Why haven't they called, though?"
"I'm afraid that the communicating devices have been shut down while they are working on the repairs," he answered with a kind smile. "I thought you should know so that you wouldn't worry,"
"Well thank you, sir, I appreciate it," I said, idly playing with one of the crosses around my neck.
"You're welcome," he nodded. "I've been meaning to ask you; how is your medication working?"
"Well…really well, actually, I'm happy with how everything's working and going and I'm excited about getting better."
"I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you for getting help; I know that when it's such a private matter it can be hard to ask for it,"
"I didn't really ask for help, Logan sort of forced me into it," I said with a small smile.
"Perhaps, but you willfully accepted it when it was given to you. I am extremely proud of how hard you have worked not only to get through your illness but also to learn to accept your brother's death. I know that both have been incredibly difficult for you and I want you to know that you are coming through this with all of your dignity. No one thinks any less of you, if anything, they think more, and I know that Logan think very highly of you and how well you're coming through all of this,"
"Thank you Professor, I needed that right about now," I smiled, wiping at a couple of the tears that were streaking down my cheek. "I uh…I don't think that I could have made it this far without living here. Ya'll have done so much for me; you've all helped me out and have gone out of your way to take care of me when I needed it. I owe so much to ya'll, I mean you've always been there for me, even when I was just going to school here. I want you to know that I really appreciate everything that you and everyone else have done for me and I love you guys,"
He reached out to hug me. "We all love you too and you don't own any of us anything; we are more than happy to help you in any way possible,"
"How do you stay so optimistic about everything?" Though I didn't actually come right out and say it, he knew that I meant about his being in a wheel chair.
"My limitations as a human do not define me as a person," he began as he let go of me and I sat up to look at him. "There are times when my mind wished that I could stand and walk away from this chair, but I know that I can do no more to help my students if I were capable of using my legs than I am now. None of us are perfect, we are all flawed in our own ways and it's only when we let our imperfections and flaws stand in the way and separate us from what we are meant to do that they become a burden. There is nothing that can hold us back from obtaining what we desire, except for ourselves,"
"You're a great man and I know you'll be blessed for taking care of all of us they way that you have,"
"I already have been; taking care of you all is my blessing," he smiled.
I smiled back at him. "You're a pretty cool guy, Chuck,"
He laughed. "I should probably argue that, but instead, I'll just say thank you,"
"You're welcome,"
We spoke a little longer, about various things, just keeping the mood light. I know that he would have liked to have spoken more on how I was coping with it all; however, I also knew that he didn't want to force me into it when I didn't feel like it. I had a hard time talking about myself and he knew that, so he allowed us to move on in our conversation.
After nearly half an hour, he excused himself and left the garden. Feeling too alone without him to talk to, I went up to my room. I watched a bit of TV, read some more of my book and cleaned up the room. After picking up around five each of Logan's flannel shirts and wife beaters from the floor, I became saddened by his absence and decided to take a shower and put on one of his clean flannel shirts to sleep in, so that I might cheer myself up some.
Not feeling like washing my hair, I pulled it up and out of my face. When I got out, I dressed myself in a pair of track pants, a black wife beater and then one of Logan's shirts. Once I was finished, I looked at myself in the mirror. I had changed and believed it was for the better. I was different and for the first time in my life, realized that it was okay. I wasn't just like everyone else, I was never going to be and still I had people who loved me. I wondered why I, or anyone else, could get so fixated on trying to please everyone else, we forget to do what makes us happy and we lose track of ourselves? Our identities are not etched into stone as soon as we are born, we work hard and strive to make something for us to be able to hold up and say, 'This is who I am, what I do and I am proud of it all'. Something that I had learned over time from the people in my life was that mistakes are not blemishes on your record but merely proof that you were, at one or more points in your life, not scared to reach for what you wanted.
I stood there in front of the mirror as a twenty-four year old woman on the outside, but on the inside, I was older and very much so. My mind and heart had aged considerably since meeting Logan. He challenged me in ways that I had never imagined anyone capable of doing, forcing me to see me instead of hiding behind something, which I had always done without realizing. I was a victim because I was a mutant, my family didn't accept everything about me, my brother died, I was sick. He was the first and only person to grab me, shake me and tell me to stop making excuses for why I was who I was and if people didn't like me, screw them. Before him, it wasn't only for people to think bad about me, I didn't want to disappoint anyone, but always felt that I did. The Professor once told me when I was younger that 'You don't care so much about what people think about you, when you know how little they do'. It took Logan to drive that point home for me.
I believe that people come into our lives for reasons, whether they are good or bad, and they all change our lives somehow, even if it's in some small way. I also believe that nothing is chance, that it's all meant and I believe most of all that Logan was meant to be in my life so that he could find me and show me who I was and who I could be.
I let out a loud sigh; another day had come and gone without Logan and I wondered what he was doing. I bet that he was tired and probably irritated with having to spend so much time in such a small space with Scott. I just hoped they could go without killing each other long enough to come home.
I left the bathroom, turning off the light on my way out and when I looked up, I saw Logan sitting on our bed. I ran to him and hugged me. "Oh, I missed you!" I said, running my hands across his back.
"I missed you too darlin'," he breathed in my ear.
"How long have you been home?" I asked, pulled back to look at him.
"About twenty minutes," he told me, pulling me down to his lips so he could kiss me.
"Why…didn't…you tell me…you were…here?" I asked between kisses.
"You were in…the…shower,"
"But I haven't seen you in over a week, I missed you," I said, nuzzling my nose against his.
He ran his hand across my cheek. "I know, I wanted to surprise you, though," he smirked.
"Well it worked and it was a very…good…surprise," I said, placing kisses along his jaw line.
"Speakin' of which, I promised you a surprise before I left,"
"Yes you did, so do I get it now?"
"I want you to sit down first,"
I sat down beside him. "Okay, now what?"
He kissed me. "I love you, Layla,"
I smiled. "I love you, too,"
"I wanna' take care of you, whether you're sick or not, I don't care, you know that, right?"
I nodded my head. "Yeah,"
"The first time I saw you, I thought you were beautiful and I knew I wanted you," he said and placed his hand back on my cheek. "You remember that mornin' when you asked me what I wanted out of us and I told you I just wanted you to be happy? That's really what I want, I wanna' make you happy,"
"You do, Logan,"
"But I want you to be as happy as you can,"
My heart sped up and my mind was reeling. Was he actually doing what I thought he was? "I don't understand, are you…breaking up with me?"
He hung his hand and then looked back up at me. "No darlin', I'm not, I'm…" he said and then let out a loud sigh, like he didn't know what to say next.
"I'm confused; you're what?" I asked, staring into his eyes, trying to understand what he was saying to me so that I might be able to help him out some.
He swore. "I'm tryin' to tell you that I want you to merry me,"
"I don't…I uh…what? I mean, could you just repeat that real quickly?"
"You're killin' me baby," he said, standing and walking over to his leather jacket that was lying in the chair by the window. I hadn't touched it since he had left and so when he pulled out a small box from the inside pocket, I was completely surprised. He brought it back over to the bed and stood in front of me. "I ain't gonna' let anyone else have you, you're mine and I want everyone else to know it,"
"You want me to merry you?" I asked slowly, in slight shock. I had never expected Logan to propose, but sure enough, there he was, standing above me and looking more nervous than I had ever seen him. He just looked down at me and nodded. "Why? I mean, not that I don't want to, but why me? You could have your pick of any woman, not just some crazed psych-ward escapee,"
He took me by the shoulders and pulled me up to face him. "You're what I want, all of you, I don't want anyone else Layla, I want you,"
"Okay,"
"Okay?"
"Yeah," I said as I smiled at him. "Yes, I'll merry you."
He opened the box, pulled out the ring and tossed the case onto the bed. "I think it'll fit," he said, slipping it onto my finger with ease.
"It fits perfectly," I said, looking down at it. "Are those…"
"Crosses? Yeah, it was the only one I could find like it,"
The ring was beautiful; it had one large diamond in the middle, then two crosses on either side of it, connecting to two more, smaller diamonds.
I wrapped my arms around his neck. "I love it, thank you,"
"You're welcome," he said, kissing a trail up my neck and to my mouth. "Are you surprised?"
I let out a small laugh. "A little bit, yeah,"
"A good one?" he smirked.
"Well…" I said jokingly and he cocked an eyebrow at me. "It was the best surprise I've ever gotten from anyone and I love you,"
"I know you do,"
I let out a loud laugh. "Arrogant much?" I asked sarcastically.
"Love you, too,"
"I know you do," I smirked as he pulled me closer to him. I leaned into his body and closed my eyes. He places a kiss on my closed eyelids and I let out a happy sigh. "You make me better,"
"You're perfect, you can't get any better," he whispered to me.
"No, you make me get better. I don't hear things when I'm with you, I like you for that," I said, opening my eyes to see him smiling at me.
"I like you too,"
Logan and I planned our wedding and by the end of August, we were married. I started the new school year as a healthy new wife and teacher. The Professor knew that I was having a hard time deciding on whether I wanted to go back to work as an RN and offered me a job instead, teaching Biology. I accepted and felt much more comfortable as a teacher than a nurse. Though it was still what I loved, I couldn't force myself back into it. While Logan and I were doing a bit of 'research' for class, I became pregnant. It's a girl and she's due on Ben's birthday. Even though she's not born yet, she already has Logan wrapped around her little finger.
Although sleep isn't usually much of a problem for me anymore, tonight's different and for some reason, I just can't sleep. I lie here watching Logan and feel safe with his hand resting lovingly on my stomach. He means a lot to me and I am so fortunate to have him as my husband and best friend. He's been so incredibly supportive and I know that if I wake him up right now and tell him that I want ice cream and doughnuts, he wouldn't hesitate to jump up, get dressed and go get them for me. But I don't. I just let him sleep and watch him.
There are still times when I'm stressed out and tired when I can hear a voice or two inside me head, telling me that Logan doesn't love me and that I'm going to be a bad mother. But then I talk it out with Logan and he makes me feel better because he always reassures me that I'm going to be a good mother and that if nothing else, he loves me more than anyone has ever been loved. One look into his eyes, touch of his hand, taste of his kiss, and I know that it's true, no doubt at all; only complete trust. It's hard and we have to work at it everyday, but because we love each other it, it's worth it.
The alarm clock goes off but it takes nearly a minute before Logan sleepily gropes around behind his head until he hits the clock. After a few seconds of not finding the sleep button, I hear the distinct 'snikt' sound of one of his claws before he impales it into the clock. The alarm stops. He retracts his hand and looks at me with heavy, sleep laden eyes.
"You do know there's an 'off' button, right? That's the third one we've gone through in the past five months," I say to him as he pulls himself closer to me.
"What're you gonna' do about it?" he asks, kissing my neck.
I let out a sigh. "Nothing, I suppose,"
"You know you're beautiful, right?" he asks as he nuzzles his nose to my neck.
I smile. "Well, I believe you think I am," I answer.
"It's true," he says and then lowers his eyes to look into mine. He pushes the hair from my eyes and leaves his hand on my cheek. And as though he's been reading my mind, he tells me, "Everyone's gonna' be okay, you're gonna' be alright, the baby's gonna' be alright, I'm always gonna' take care of you, okay?"
I nod my head at him slowly, not breaking eye contact. "As long as you're here, we're going to be just fine."
There are things that I've done in my life that I'm not proud of, I've made mistakes and I pay for them every day. There are things that have happened beyond my control that I wish I could have stopped, but I wasn't capable of doing so. Then there are things that have happened to me that shouldn't have. Because they are things that seem too good for them to be mine. I've been through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and scaled the Mountain of the Living. I have survived every storm that has come my way and have come out better for having do so. I realize that without all of the lows, I would never be able to appreciate all of the highs. I get through every new challenge by facing them all the same; though it may be difficult to get through at the time, I will always come through it stronger and smarter. I believe that we are never given more than we can handle, we just have to learn how to cope with it and in some strange way, I feel flattered to have been given such burdens because that means that I'm a strong person. I know that whatever Hell has brought me today, Heaven will deliver me from tomorrow and that is what keeps me going.
The End
All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me.
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be.
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be