Chapter Four: "You're disgusting!" "Am not!"

"Of all the ungrateful…" Then he spied Pippin, who was giggling. Merry's face contorted with rage, and he tackled the younger hobbit, knocking the wind out of him. "You Fool-of-a-Took! Why did you have to go and tell him?"

"S-sorry, Merry! I d-didn't mean to! It's just that I'm kinda sc-scared of him, and well, the words were outta my mouth b'fore I could st-stop 'em!"

"Now everyone knows it was us! Aragorn will kill us!"

"No he won't!"

"What have you got to say for yourself?" Merry was shouting in Pippin's face, "How about a "sorry"?"
Peregrin turned his head away.

"Ugh! Merry, you might want to consider brushing your teeth. When last did you actually clean them? Days? Weeks? Months?...Years?"

"No!" Frowning, Merry climbed off Pippin and sat down on the floor. Peregrin raised himself up onto his hand and knees, gasping for breath. "Um…let's see…err…about…How many days ago was last Saturday?" Meriadoc tried to work it out on his fingers, which were rather grubby, but Pippin beat him to it.

"Last Saturday?" Peregrin was horrified, "That's almost eight days ago! Today's Saturday! Oh, Merry! That's gross!"

Merry grinned broadly (Pippin noticed that his teeth were yellow and fuzzy).

"No it's not! When did you last take a bath?" He challenged, "I took one last week, so I'm all clean. What about you? Bet you last took one sometime last year?"

"No," said Pippin smugly, "I took a bath and brushed my teeth last night!"

"Humph!" Merry scowled.

"You're disgusting!" Pippin informed him.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am NOT!" Merry yelled, and thumped Pippin, who squealed. Merry grabbed a handful of his cousin's hair and tugged.

"Ow ow ow ow ow! Lemmego!"

"That is ENOUGH!" Aragorn got out of bed and stumbled across the bedroom floor towards the two hobbits. "What the hell is going on here?" The Ranger demanded, "Decent folk are trying to get a lie – in!"

Both hobbits started talking simultaneously; each with his own version of the story:

"Merry was –"

"No! You were –"

"You pulled my –"

"Because you insulted –"

"It's true though!"

"Is not! You told me I'm disgusting!" Merry yelled.

"Oh yeah? Because you don't brush your teeth!" Pippin screamed. He raised his fist, but Aragorn was quicker.

"Whoa! Calm down!" The Ranger pulled the fighting hobbits apart, and addressed Merry.

"From what I hear, you haven't brushed your teeth in quite a while. Now, if that's true, then you will go and brush them as soon as Legolas is out of the bathroom. You will also take a shower. Understood?"

"Err, yes, Aragorn."

"Legolas!" The Ranger called, "I think it's about time you got out of there! You're using up all the hot water!"

Silver flow the streams from Celos to Erui,

In the green fields of Lebennin!

"Legolas!" Aragorn yelled, "Stop singing and get out of the shower!"

Tall grows the grass there. In the wind from the Sea.

The white lilies sway,

And the golden bells are shaken of mallos and alfirin.

Either the Elf had not heard the Ranger due to the sound of the running water, or he had, and was ignoring him. Probably the latter, as his hearing was exceptionally sharp.

"Get OUT of the shower!" Aragorn bellowed, "And SHUT UP! You can't sing!"

In the green fields of Lebennin,

In the wind from the –

If you don't get out within the next minute, then I am coming in there!" Aragorn threatened. The singing stopped instantly and the water was turned off.

"Okay, okay! No need to fuss! I'll be out shortly!" Minutes later, Legolas emerged from the bathroom, fully dressed, hair scrupulously clean. Aragorn rolled his eyes.

"Alright." The Ranger gave Merry a gentle shove. "Go on. Brush your teeth and have a shower. Wash your hair while you're at it."

Grumbling, Merry headed for the bathroom. Aragorn pulled a face and wiped his hands on his nightshirt. Just how much dirt could a hobbit just out of his Tweens accumulate in a week? Quite a bit. Ugh.