====MORTAL KOMBAT NAZZA-SPONSORED TOURNAMENT 2====

/Tournament Record ReLoaded/

[Begin Tournament Entry #04]

-Round One Fights Part 1-

Nightwolf woke up with a gigantic headache. 'What just happened? I must've got *really* drunk last night.'

Meanwhile, Sonya was celebrating her victory. 'BeerBeerBeerBeerBeer!'

'Man, you are drunk,' said Johnny Cage. 'Now I understand why you came here.'

'Got anymore beer?' Sonya asked. 'Then maybe later on we could...you know...'

'Uh, are you saying what I think I'm saying?'

'Yeah. Later on we could go trash Kano's pad!'

'Now for fight two!' boomed Shao Kahn. 'Since it is day two. Drum roll please...'

There was silence. 'I said drum roll!'

'We don't have any drums,' said Goro.

'Improvise!'

Goro drummed the table.

'Sindel versus Kano!'

==SINDEL==

'No! Not Kano! Well, I'll prepare - by watching the Funniest Home Videos tape I got!'

==FIGHTING STADIUM==

'Welcome to the Fighting Stadium!'

The crowd roared.

'This is the second battle! On one side of the stadium, we have Kano! The faggot with the eye lense!'

'I'm not a faggot!' shouted Kano.

'Then why do you wear dresses?'

Kano blushed.

'On the other side of the stadium, we have Sindel!'

'She wears dresses!' Kano shouted, pointing his finger at her.

'I know, I've seen her in most of them.'

'They got it on!' said Goro, much to the amusement of the crowd - and the annoyance of Shao Kahn.

'To tell you the truth, I've seen better.'

Shao Kahn became very annoyed, but continued. 'Goro will be commentating this match. Get ready!'

'That's my line,' said Goro. 'Get ready, get set, go get some BANANAS!'

'This is the second time he's done that,' said someone in the audience.

'Uh, BEGIN THE FIGHT!'

Kano's infra-red eye scanned Sindel for any weaknesses. Sindel, meanwhile was powering up DBZ-style. Her hair flowed as if wind was blowing it. Kano suddenly jumped back as her hair flew straight upright.

'Holy crap!' said Kano.

'Too much of a wuss to fight me?' said Sindel as she began to hover.

'In your dreams,' said Kano.

'You're so up yourself you'd need X-ray vision to escape your butt.'

'I have the next best thing.' He pointed to his infra-red eye lense.

'Not anymore!' Sindel flew at him at the speed of light, and punched his lense in.

'AAARGH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!' Kano dropped and began rolling around on the ground.

'And it seems Kano isn't so strong after all,' said Goro.

'We actually invited this guy to participate in the tournament?' said Kahn.

'Afraid so.' Sindel stopped hovering, and landed on her feet, making the sound they do on DBZ.

'And Sindel's hair is falling back into place,' said Goro. 'What's this? She's picking up the cowardly Kano!'

'This is a move I learnt from Jax,' said Sindel. She held Kano up, and began beating his face.

'Oh, and Kano is trying to make a comeback, throwing punches at her wildly. But what's this?' Sindel's hair suddenly smashed itself into Kano's face, and he fell to the ground.

Shao Kahn stepped up to the microphone, and announced 'SINDEL IS THE WINNER!'

===============SCORECARD===============

Sindel

1-0

Kano

0-1

=======================================

'Someone pick that faggot up and escort him off the premises please,' said Kahn.

'I heard that!'

'I wasn't talking about you, Motaro!'

'Oh.'

That night Nightwolf decided, after surviving a head-splitting hangover, that he'd go for a night out on the town again.

Meanwhile, Sonya and Cage were just about to leave to trash Kano's house (she'd been distracted and drunk for that long) when suddenly she got an idea.

'Jshhhhhhhonny?' said Sonya.

'Uh, yeah?'

'Would you miiiiiiiiiind, if we had hot and wild sex-'

'Shouldn't we trash Kano's house first?'

'Ah, who gives a flying fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun! BeerBeerBeerBeeeeeeeeer -'

'Sonya, you know you're going to have a massive headache tomorrow.'

'Yeah, but I don't care. Bear. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!'

Cage shook his head. *Why is it that the only time she wants to make out with me is when she's drunk?*

'Can I hop on pop - I mean your bed?'

'Sure, may as well.'

Down at the pub, Nightwolf bought his seventh can of Coke. 'Man, this stuff's more addictive than crack!'

'You've tried crack?' said Stryker.

'No, who told you? I could get you killed and sued -'

'I don't think caffeine and Indians mix very well,' said Stryker.

'Stop saying I'm an Indian! That's racism! It's coz I'm black, isn't it!'

'But you're not black -'

'Shuuuuuuuuut up, racist pig! Oink oink oink!'

Stryker put his hand up to his head and turned the other way.

==THE NEXT DAY==

Sonya woke up next to Johnny Cage. 'Aaargh! Holy fu**! What the hell am I doing here?'

Sonya's shouting caused Cage to wake abruptly. 'I see you've awakened, fair maiden.'

'What did we do last night?' Sonya shouted threateningly.

'You can probably guess,' Cage bragged.

'Uggghh! I can't believe I slept with you!'

'You know you want me,' said Cage.

'That's the last time I get drunk!' Sonya got out of bed, put her clothes on and stormed out.

'Hehe, she forgot her bra...'

==KANO==

'Man, did I sleep all the way from yesterday's fight to the next day?' He opened his eyes, then realised his lense was smashed. 'Ow! It hurts. Luckily I have a spare.'

He looked around his draw, and pulled out a twenty-cent coin. 'Such an under-rated invention, along with the stretchy straws, those funny little LED lights, and Michael Jackson.'

'Attention! This is an announcement for the third battle!'

'Jeez, this is like the 24 marathon only longer, and less interesting,' said Goro.

'You shut up.'

'Yes sir.'

'And the nominees for best fighter are...not on this list. However, the third match will pit Sheeva who is secretly Goro's lover against Reptile, whose secret lover goes by the name of Snake.'

'Now I think that's taking a bit too far,' said Goro, 'I mean just coz we look the same -'

'You shut up.'

'Yes sir.'

'We'll see you two freaks at the stadium.'

'Sir, if you use that language they'll get angry -'

'How many times do I have to tell you, *I* am the supreme being. Not you, not Subzero, not nobody! Except me.'

==AT THE STADIUM==

'I now hand the commentary over to Goro.'

'On one side we have Sheeva, who has four arms which means for times the punching force. And, I personally think she's a bit butch -'

Sheeva stuck all four of her rude fingers up at Goro.

'And in the other corner, the mystical Reptile, all decked out in his green ninja outfit. Three guesses who's gonna win.'

Sheeva stuck her rude fingers up again.

'I was talking about you, Sheeva!' said Goro. 'Really!'

'You weren't really, were you?' asked Kahn.

'No, not really. CRAP! The microphone's still on. Well, get ready get set, GO TO THE TOILET!'

Half of the audience rushed out of the stadium.

'BEGIN THE FIGHT!'

Reptile jumped at Sheeva, and managed to get in a quick punch. Unfortunately she swung her lower right arm, with Reptile only just blocking it.

'My, how many arms you have.'

'All the better to POUND you with!'

'What did I say, she's butch,' said Goro. 'GOD DAMMIT! Will someone remind us the microphone is still on?'

Sheeva swung with her lower left arm, but again Reptile blocked it. 'Holy crap! Now she's swinging wildly, hitting Reptile each time! I think that's a bit of unfair play, but it's not up to me.'

Reptile dropped to his knees, and Sheeva's lower arms worked even harder to pound the living daylights out of him. Reptile saw his chance, and took it. He swung fair and square where a guy's crown jewels would've been.

'Aargh! You had to hit me in the ballsa - I mean va - lower area!'

Reptile jumped up, kicking Sheeva in the head as he came, then flipped over her head and grabbed onto her ponytail. She let out a bloodcurdling scream, which was followed by the sound of Reptile farting.

'That's a first warning!' said Shao Kahn. 'Do that again and you lose!'

'For what, letting off wind or pulling her ponytail?'

'A little from Column A, a little from Column B.'

Reptile let go of her ponytail and found that his hand was now covered with a white sticky goo, which was the norm for Sheeva's species.

Sheeva swung around, whacking Reptile with both her right arms on the way, then kicked him in the stomach. 'Ooh, and Reptile's down on the ground.'

Reptile's face was filled with sheer terror as he saw in Sheeva's eyes what she was about to do. 'NOOOOOOOO!' Sheeva jumped, and as if in slow motion froze while up in the air. The magical camera circled around her, and then Sheeva landed on the ground, with a gigantic stomp.

'AAAAAAAAAARGH!' Goro and the audience alike screamed as they felt the pain of Sheeva's earthquake. 'Man that hurts! But wait - Reptile is unaffected!'

==REPTILE==

Sheeva slowly fell toward the ground, and Reptile jumped up just as she landed on the ground. A mushroom cloud rose in the air, and Reptile landed on his feet. 'Man that hurts! But wait - Reptile is unaffected!'

Reptile took a bow, and then kicked Sheeva in the face while she was concentrating on the shaking ground she had caused. She fell down on her back, and Reptile threw a little lizard at her. 'What the -'

Suddenly the lizard began purring. 'Well that's just great,' said Reptile. He walked up to Sheeva, and kicked her so hard she went flying up in the air and hit the crowd. The people surrounding her shouted in fright, horrified by something so gross.

'Must...try...to...stay...awake...sleeping pills...taking effect...' Sheeva collapsed on the stands.

'REPTILE IS THE WINNER!'

'Experience, all the better to WIN with!'

NB: Unfortunately, because Sheeva was unconscious she was unable to hear Reptile's witty comeback. We apologise for this inconvenience.

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TO BE CONTINUED...