Chapter 2: Splish, Splash, an Unwanted Need for a Bath
6 am came sooner than Lister really wanted it to. Like clockwork, the alarm went off; Rimmer slid out of the bunk underneath him, and immediately went into his normal row of jumping jacks. Lister closed his eyes tight against the light that had clicked on and pulled the covers tighter over his head. He had a very uneasy rest, his dreams filled with visions of a dominating Rimmer and himself clad in white flowing robes. He did his best to try and go back to sleep, but the thought of seeing himself being chained naked to a wall and being holowhipped by Low Rimmer made him shiver and dread falling asleep again.
Lister didn't, however, want to talk let on that he was awake. Rimmer would naturally want to make some early morning sarcastic jabs at Lister, and Lister was in no mental shape to parry the onslaught with wittier comebacks. He instead listened to Rimmer as he worked out. The sounds of his ragged breathing and occasional groans of effort as he cycled through his daily exercise routine rang in poor Lister's ears, sending images of Rimmer taking Lister from behind into Lister's vulnerable mind. Lister pulled the pillow over his head, longing to block out the sounds and thus the horrid images that relentlessly sprang into his mind, but the pillow couldn't stop the erection that was straining against Lister's boxers.
'I can't handle this', thought Lister. 'If I don't get out of here, I'm gonna go blooming crazy!' In an instant, Lister flung the covers off, flew out of his bunk and stormed out of the room before Rimmer could even react to his sudden exit.
Lister bolted for the showers, stripping his clothes off as he went, not caring if he bumped into Kryten or Cat. When he reached the showers, he jumped into the first shower stall in sight and spun the cold water on full blast. Streams of cold water poured over Lister's fevered body, soaking into his dreadlocks. Lister closed his eyes and tried to rid himself of the explicit thoughts that just kept getting worse and worse. His body began to shiver under the cold water, but he didn't care. He just wanted to stop the thoughts from coming back at any cost. After a good 5 minutes under the water, Lister finally felt like things were back under his control and turned off the water. He put both of his hands on the stall and just stood there, breathing heavily.
"Okay bro, get it together," he said out loud to himself. "You're gonna be alright. Everything's cool."
"Oh come on Lister, it's only a shower. You don't need to give yourself a pep talk when you're done."
Lister's eyes grew wide as he whirled around to face the bearer of that painfully familiar voice. Sure enough, there stood Rimmer in the doorway with his arms crossed and a smug smile on his face. Covering his manhood, Lister screamed at Rimmer, "Jesus man, you don't just walk in on a bloke when he's in the shower!"
"Well, you can't very well blame me for walking in on you," Rimmer retorted. "Any time you go running out of a room at 6 am in the morning calls for a little attention. Hell, you even being awake at 6 am in the morning calls for attention! Follow that with your sudden desire to take up a job as a streaker, your appearance in a shower, which definitely means something's up if you feel you need to shower, and that little pep talk, it's only natural that I'd be just a tad curious as to what flew up your ass."
"I'd be quite happy if you hadn't seen my ass, thank you very much!" parried Lister.
"Oh, well don't think I was happy to see that! My God, it was like seeing burned cottage cheese sprinkled with ash!" Rimmer spat with a look of disgust on his face.
Lister glared at Rimmer, his face bright red. "Look, I'm perfectly fine, and I don't need your stupid remarks this morning! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to collect my clothes from the hall!" Lister walked past Rimmer, who despite being a hologram, moved swiftly out of Lister's path to avoid any form of contact with him. The sounds of his stomping down the corridor were only interrupted momentarily by the occasional scooping up of his clothes. Rimmer shook his head and watched as Lister followed his trail of clothes back to his room. "What a complete git."