Sorry loyal readers! I know you've been anticipating this next chapter, but I had to go with the Longhorn Band to the Rose Bowl! But now I'm back and the story shall continue! On with the show! XD

Chapter 3: Change Is the Arsenic of Life

The rest of that day was rather rocky for Lister. In fact, the next few weeks were rather rocky for Lister. He was constantly jumpy, showering more often than he ever had in his entire life, and at random intervals would tremble and break into cold sweats. Everyone feared that perhaps he had contracted a virus since the High/Low incident, but after about a month or two (2 of those weeks spent in quarantine), Lister finally started to calm down. The thoughts of him and Rimmer getting it on in the freakiest of ways stopped popping into his mind as often and thus the number of showers he took rapidly decreased. Just as he thought, his worry that he might have a thing for Rimmer had simply been a phase and was petering out at last.

Or so he thought.

Once the time came that the entire Red Dwarf crew would have to go into suspended animation due to the Red Dwarf being filched by who knows who, Lister had almost completely gotten rid of the disturbing thoughts of him and Rimmer. 'By the time we come out of suspended animation,' thought Lister, 'I should be good as new again. No more images of Rimmer as a dominatrix, no more fantasies of him having me over and over again, and most of all, no more bloody cold showers!'

And again, just as he thought, he did indeed lose the need for those dreaded cold showers by the time he and the rest of the crew were freed from suspended animation. But this victory was short lived. After escaping from Legion's ship, Rimmer had obtained the closest thing he'll have to a real human body again: a hard-light bee. With the hard-light bee, Rimmer could now touch and feel, just as he had when he was human. He could even taste again, though he'd be unable to actually digest anything he ate. Of course, this made things easier for him, because then there was no need to worry about something being digested wrong and spending hours in the loo suffering from Montezuma's Revenge. For Rimmer, this was almost as good as being alive again.

For Lister, it was hell.

It didn't occur to Lister at first of course. Lister is, after all, not the brightest bulb on Broadway. To Lister, Rimmer's new hard-light body was just a new way for Rimmer to become annoying as bloody hell. But Lister started to feel something stir in him when he spotted Rimmer looking in the mirror, touching his face and running his hands through his hair like a girl in an Herbal Essences commercial. Then it finally hit him (keep in mind, Lister is really rather slow), Rimmer could feel again. Rimmer wasn't just a ghost of a person that you could easily walk through anymore. Rimmer was now a solid, physical being that you could bump, punch, caress, or...

Lister felt the cold sweat start to bead at his forehead again. The thoughts had come back with a vengeance. This time, they couldn't just be dismissed with a cold shower, for without Red Dwarf, showers were a luxury, even for Lister. He sighed sadly. There was only one way to get rid of the problem.

Lister had been fortunate enough to find a use for the virtual reality machine on Starbug. When the rest of the crew was asleep, Lister would sneak into the virtual reality room, slip on the helmet, and shag away his sexual frustrations. Lister was also fortunate that the rest of the crew were heavy sleepers. Lister knew that he'd have to make a visit to the virtual reality machine and spend however long it took to beat the thoughts out of him (if you catch my drift...).

Lister, unable to fight the desire to jerk off with cold showers anymore, made his way to the virtual reality room when everyone was asleep. The moment he entered the room, however, he noticed not everyone was asleep and that the machine was already in use. Rimmer's groans echo in the empty room as he thrusts his dick into his hand. Lister froze in his spot he stood in. It was as if some strange curse had over taken him. Just when he needed to get rid of his sexual tension, he finds the exact cause of it beating off to porn, completely unaware of his presence. He wanted to leave, to run as far as he could and pretend like he saw nothing. But as the sounds of Rimmer's groans and grunts fluttered in Lister's ears, he wanted more and more to run over to Rimmer and finish the job for him.

Rimmer's groans grew louder and more frequent; he was nearing the finishing point. It was now or never, sink or swim, fight or flight. Lister had a very important decision to make. He either needed to suck Rimmer down like a cold glass of water after roaming in the desert, or he needed to run like he just stole the Queen's crown off her head and gave her the finger on the way out. In the end, Lister's senses broke through, and he started to slowly walk out of the theater. He made it to the door just as Rimmer came, his cries of pleasure ringing through the theater. With a gulp, Lister ignored the throbbing in his own pants and pushed open the door...

…which unfortunately creaked.

Despite how involved Rimmer was with his virtual fuck, Rimmer heard the door creak loud andclear. Someone had seen him. Someone knew he was there and what he had been doing. He pulled off the virtual reality helmet and whirled around to see who it was.

"Oh, smeg!" Lister said under his breath. He whirled around and bolted out the door. Sadly, his retreat wasn't fast enough. Rimmer caught a glimpse of his dreadlocks as they slipped through the exit. The color in Rimmer's face drained. "Oooh smeg," he said out loud. Of all bloody people to spot him polishing his rod, it had to be Lister.

Rimmer replaced his dick into his boxers and zipped up the fly to his trousers. He sighed a heavy sigh and said out loud to no one, "Well, I guess I better go explain myself."