For all those who have stood by this story and my sporadic updates due to real life issues, this chapter is for you. Thank you so very much.
Memories Ch. 8
Kathryn sat in the dark, pupils wide to accept the tiniest pinpoint of light. The mess was silent except for the gentle hum of the engines and the wet hiss of air through clenched teeth. Her hands tighten and relax periodically, but for the most part, she is still. She shed her uniform jacket and restrained hairstyle hours ago in favor of the short-sleeved blue undershirt and flowing locks. She sighs, a sound laden with obvious heartache.
She does not move when the doors open and he enters.
He steps gingerly, as if the slightest sound will shatter her reverie. She lets out another heavy breath and speaks his name. His broad shoulders relax a nanometer. The use of his name rather than the cool, crisp "Commander" indicates she wishes to talk and at this point, Chakotay is all too willing to listen.
"I have my full memory back, Chakotay."
Chakotay's gaze flickers slightly. Nervousness was a rare emotion for this man. With an almost inaudible groan, he sits next to her, all the while keeping a physical and mental distance between them. He could sense she didn't want to be touched at the moment, although he could think of nothing more than his desire to pull her into his arms and cradle her until her walls came crashing down again.
They sit in silence for a while, Chakotay gazing at Kathryn all the while. She turns her sharp stare on him until Chakotay had to fight the urge to flinch at the coldness in her eyes.
"We crossed lines we never even should have toed," came her soft voice.
"Do you regret it, Kathryn? Our kiss?"
Kathryn's mask never wavers. The walls Chakotay has been steadily tearing down are rebuilding themselves. Captain Janeway was returning and this comeback was threatening to smother Kathryn. Chaokay has long recognized that Kathryn and the Captain are two entirely separate people.
"Regret it?" she paused. "No...and yes. No, because it was something I dreamt about for a long time and yes because..." Her voice trailed off.
"And yes because Captains aren't allowed to dream."
She frowns slightly.
"Chakotay, that's not the way I can live my life. I can't be torn."
With this statement, all of Chakotay's reserves and common sense is whisked away from him.
"Damn it, Kathryn!"
He stands and moves in front of her, kneeling at her feet in an ironic image of subservient devotion.
"It is true. You are a captain and some unwritten rule book that I've never seen tells you that you have to throw away all of your hopes and dreams and become Starfleet's whipping boy!"
He is almost hissing now, voice rich with righteous anger.
"Every hope you ever had about settling down...raising a family...all of it is thrown out the window and replaced with Starfleet ideals! You deny yourself a life, Kathryn!"
He is breathing harder now, jaw set with determination and his hands are firmly planted on the arms of her chair, effectively eliminating her escape route.
"Are you finished?" She replies icily. Chakotay's face slackens. He is not used to this cold, impersonal side of Kathryn. When he doesn't reply, she takes the incentive.
"Chakotay, I was aware of the personal sacrifices I would have to make if I chose a captaincy. Believe me, not a day goes by when I don't wonder how things would be different if I had settled down, but I have no regrets."
He stares at her and wonders how many times she has told herself that to keep herself warm at night.
"None at all?"
Her face softens slightly, shedding the icy exterior and becoming Kathryn in so quick a motion, he is not sure he saw anything at all.
"You're a wonderful friend to me, Chakotay."
Chakotay can feel the beginning stirrings of anger in his chest. She is avoiding the point. Kathryn opens her mouth to speak again, but Chakotay motions for her silence. Still kneeling, he takes one of her hands in his, intertwining his fingers with hers as he spoke.
"I just want to tell you this. After I do, you can do whatever you see fit, but I have to tell you. I love you Kathryn. I loved you when we started working together. I love you even if it is against the Captain's code of honor."
With that, he leans in and with the utmost care, places a gentle kiss on her stern mouth. When he pulls back, he sees that her Captain's visage has been shed once again and she is simple, vulnerable Kathryn again. She stands slowly, placing their linked fingers over her heart. The look she gives him is almost too tender to bear quietly. Releasing his hand, she moves, kisses his cheek. Stepping backwards, her eyes never leaving his, he watches helplessly as her heart hardens again.
"Kathryn, don't do this." His voice is strangled. He had her!
He blinks and she is the rigid captain again. Wordless, she turns her back on him and strides towards the door, pausing in the open threshold.
"I expect your report on my desk at 1400 hours tomorrow."
With her back still turned, Chakotay can't see the tears swimming in her eyes. With luck, maybe he can't hear them in her voice as well.
"Kathryn, is this really what you want?" His voice holds promises of happiness, of a life better than the one she has now. She halts in the open door.
"It's all I have," she replies, her voice huskier than it had been a few moments ago.
Chakotay watches her leave. She was walking away from him again, ignoring their mutual passion and immersing herself in the worst kind of life for herself.
He frowns again and lowers his arms, still tense from their passionate exchange. He would show her a life beyond rules and regulations even if it took her the whole trip home to recognize it. He loved her far too much to watch her wither away behind her rank.
"It's all I have," she had said.
Chakotay moved to the door, leaving behind ghosts of what could be and a promise.
"No, Kathryn,"he murmured. "Not all."
-Fin-
I hope you all enjoyed that last chapter. Also, random note, if you are interested in joining a Star Trek RPG, the very same one that has been taking up a lot of my time, but is so worth it, I have a lot of spots open. Please email me at if you are interested. Thanks so much!