Chapter 5: Coming Out of the Cabinet
Lister's eyes opened slowly. The last thing he remembered was Rimmer's face covered in his bodily excretion. He had no clue what he was going to see upon regaining consciousness. Much to his dismay, it was Rimmer's face, only a lot cleaner.
With a shout, Lister backpedaled into a corner. He clung to his knees and rocked like a child who had just sat through a 24 hour marathon of Friday the 13th movies. His nightmares had come true. In one night he'd managed to completely fall from the graces of Straightdom straight into the pits of Fairy Land.
His breath came out ragged as though he had just run a lap around the Red Dwarf. "I suppose blaming it all space sickness wouldn't cut it, huh?" he finally managed to spit out after Rimmer simply sat and stared at him.
"No Lister, I don't think that'd quite explain it for me," said Rimmer in a surprisingly calm voice. Lister rocked even more and before he could stop himself, began explaining the whole thing to him.
"It's not like I wanted it that way. It's not like I meant to walk in on ya while you were having fun with the virtual reality machine. It's not like I wanted to hide from ya in the cabinet because I was too blooming scared of what I'd have to say to ya...okay, actually I did want to hide from ya because I was scared. But it's not like I meant to fantasize about you while I played with me joystick, and it's definitely not like I meant to jizz all over your face." Lister finally realized just what all he'd just said and went whiter than an British streaker in the dead of winter. With an "Oh, smeg..." and a groan, he closed his eyes tightly and put his head on his knees.
' Fan-bloody-tastic...' thought poor Lister. 'There's no denying it now. Now he knows I'm fruitier than a fruit factory. What's worse is I didn't even know it myself until just now.'
Rimmer, however, seemed to be taking the whole situation a lot better than Lister thought he would. "This is why you were constantly showering back on the Red Dwarf, isn't it?" he said in a calm, collected voice. "This is why you were jumpier than a crack addict that hadn't gotten his fix in a week."
Lister dropped his head. "Yeah. It started happening after the High/Low incident. For some reason, I just couldn't stop picturing you in erotic ways. Ways that I'd usually smack meself in me own balls for thinking. I couldn't figure it out. Of all people to be attracted to, why you? Why not the Cat? At least then..."
"...you could be with someone that was alive, is that right?" Rimmer finished for him, a surprisingly sad look on his face.
"No! No, at least then I'd be attracted to someone who thought he was God's gift to the universe. It'd make a bit more sense then. But no, it's you, you that I can't get my bloody mind off of. You that constantly creeps into my fantasies and gives me woodies that would scare the hell out of a prepubescent boy and choke the whoriest of whores. You that I keep wanting to touch and to hold and to..."
Lister was cut off by a kiss from Rimmer, who had crept up to where Lister sat during his rambling. Lister, still clinging to his heterosexual ways, stiffened up the moment Rimmer's lips touched his. But he then melted into the kiss and began to return it fully. The two kissed passionately in the corner, letting years of sexual repression flutter into breeze. The two only stopped when they heard the familiar clanging of metal which meant that Kryten was up and moving around. Their kiss ended abruptly upon hearing, "GREAT GOD IN SILICON HEAVEN, WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?"
Both men jumped straight up and began rambling:
"It's not what it looks like Kryters."
"I was having trouble breathing."
"He was on the verge of death."
"He was saving my life."
"He needed CPR and being the only CPR certified crew member, I administered it."
"I'm doing perfectly fine now, thanks a bunch Rimmer!"
"Oh, anytime Lister, anytime at all!"
Kryten's mechanoid eyes welled with mechanoid tears. "You're lying! Both of you! You two were playing tonsil hockey in the corner, don't deny it!" Kryten ran past them crying as though he were a woman who'd just found her husband snogging with the hired help. Both Lister and Rimmer stood in the middle of the room, speechless. They looked at each other,
blushed, and then looked away. All that needed to be said had been said in that kiss, but with the sudden interruption from Kryten, all the courage it took to admit what they had had been flushed from their systems completely.
Lister decided to break the silence. "I'm...uh...I'm gonna go check on Kryten..."
"Yes, I'm sure he's gonna need a proper explanation..." Rimmer trailed off. He cleared his throat and went to the cockpit while Lister went after Kryten, trying to figure out just what would constitute as a proper explanation.