Chapter 6: Kryters Knows Best

Lister found Kryten in the panel room, sitting at the table crying. Well, crying about as much as a mechanoid could. He took a deep breath and sat next to Kryten. He fiddled awkwardly with his stubby fingernails before Kryten broke the silence.

"How could you do it Sir? How could you kiss such a vile smeeeeeeee heeeeeeed like Mr. Rimmer? I thought you had values! I thought you had higher standards than that!"

"Well I didn't exactly initiate it you know," said Lister. "It's not like I went up to him and said, ' Lay one on me you big hunk of hard-light!' He caught me completely off guard!"

"So you're saying you took no pleasure in it?" sniffed Kryten.

"No, of course not!" Lister paused. "Well, maybe just a little. Okay, maybe a lot."

Kryten blubbered into his tissue. "I can't believe I'm losing you!"

"You're not losing me Kryten! You and I are still what we were!"

"You're lying! You've fallen for Rimmer and I can never hope to get you back!"

Lister sat there dumbfounded. From what it sounded like, it seemed as though Kryten had a thing for him! "Listen, Kryten...it never would have worked out between you and me anyways. I mean sure, it's great that you clean my clothes without a single complaint, but when I think about you, it's like thinking about me mum!"

Kryten looked at Lister. "You really mean that? You think of me as if I were your mother?"

Lister looked slightly confused. "Well, yeah. Granted me mum would have boxed me ears if she knew half of what I'd been doing since I got on the Red Dwarf, but still."

Kryten eyes glittered anew with fresh mechanoid tears, these of joy instead of sadness. "Oh Mr. Lister, you've made me so happy!" Kryten pulled Lister into a bone crushing hug that Lister reluctantly had to pull away from for risk of shattering his ribs. "So," said Lister, "you don't have a thing for me?"

"Oh heavens no Mr. Lister! I've always cared for you as if you were a son to me. I've always worried about you and tended to your needs as if I had birthed you from my very own mechanical loins. Which is why seeing you with Mr. Rimmer was so painful!" Kryten dabbed his eyes with a hand sewn handkerchief with a fancy letter ' K' on it while Lister continued to look dumbfounded.

"Why would kissing Rimmer be such an issue?" Lister asked.

Kryten looked at Lister as though the answer should have been obvious. "Sir, surely you've been in enough relationships to know what happens as they progress."

Lister thought for a moment. In all his relationships, mostly drunken sex and bar hopping occurred, but he had seen enough sappy black and white movies to get a general idea. "Well, from the movies I've watched, the couple hits it off, and then some conflict occurs in which one or both of the lovers don't want to see the other again. Then one realizes that the other is the only one for them, but by then it's found out that the other is either leaving and never coming back or has a terminal illness that will forever keep them at." Lister's eyes filled with tears. "Those movies always get to me..."

Kryten shook his head. "Uh, no Sir, what happens when a normal couple gets close is that they no longer need anyone else except each other. They dedicate their lives to taking care of each other." Kryten started to blubber again. "And if Rimmer and you get into a relationship then there'll be no place for me to take care of you!"

Kryten wept into his hanky while Lister pinched the bridge of his nose. "Kryten, assuming me and Rimmer actually go so far as to get in a relationship, there's no way he'd take your place!"

Kryten looked up from his handkerchief. "You mean it?"

Lister smiled. "Oh course not! You're the only one on the ship who'd dare to touch my underloons. And nobody worries about me the way you do Kryten!"

Kryten smiled back. "Why thank you Sir. I appreciate that. But there's still one thing that worries me."

"What's that?"

"How do you know that Mr. Rimmer is good enough for you? I mean really, he's had close to zero relationship experience and can be very insensitive to others' needs. Given the first sign of danger, even if your life were at stake and he was completely devoted to you, he'd be bound to act upon his survival instincts and turn tail faster than you could say "Hot buttered lugnuts!". Someone like that isn't a person you should consider in a relationship."

Lister closed his eyes. Sadly, Kryten was a little too much like his mum. "I'll be fine. After all, there's still no guarantee that me and Rimmer are gonna shack up. I mean, I'm still feeling kinda off about it. I mean, even though I liked it, there's still the fact that it was Rimmer that I kissed. And I don't quite think I could get on with him so well that I'd start calling him Arnie Baby or something like that. That doesn't change the fact that my feelings for him are becoming a bit more amorous than I can really control."

"Well," Kryten said, putting a hand on Lister's shoulder. "You can always confide in me about the manner. If ever you're feeling unsure of how things are, or if things don't go right, feel free to come to me anytime."

Lister smiled and put his hand on Kryten's. "Thanks Kryten. I appreciate it. And, do you think you could keep the Cat out of the loop? At least until I see where this is heading?"

"You have my word."

Kryten rose from the table and spread his arms open wide. Lister, taking the hint, also rose up and gave him a hug. "Oh," Kryten said in Lister's ear. "And if he ever does a single thing to make you cry, I swear I'll crush his hard-light bee like a bug under my feet." He brought Lister away from him and took a good look at him. With a wavering smile, he took his hands off his shoulders and said, "Now go and talk to him. I'm sure you two have some things you still need to sort out."

Lister silently nodded and turned from Kryten, leaving the room. Kryten lifted his handkerchief to his eyes and wiped away a mechanoid tear. "They grow up so fast..."