Diablo 2

Chapter 6: Act 2 - The Horadric Cube

Player: That was a pretty nice movie... I'm following Diablo! Gonna kick his ass, that I will!

Player: Oh, I can get some new armor here! Finally! Let's see... what the hell? You repair armor, AND heal? You are Charsi and that old lady combined, AND you are sexier than Charsi! Man, I'm gonna love this Act 2!

(Looks through all the armor, buys one.)

Player: ...Where did my boobs go? ... This armor shrinks my boobs? Oh forget this, I'm keeping the old shitty armor... who'd want to flatten their boobs... no way!

Player: Oh, new hireling... yeah, I'm sorry sexy, but you just suck! Oh, Emilio! He must be hispanic, which can only mean one thing: He's gonna steal my wallet and my precious Spanish runes... forget it. Let's see, Mohammed... nah, he'll just go and kill himself, that's no good. Ah ha! Azreal. Can't go wrong with a name. He captured lots of Smurfs if I recall correctly. You're hired!

Player: Ok, time for these sewers here...

(Player kills his way to the last floor of the sewers and kills Radamant, then jumps for joy at the freebie skill point and set item he finds.)

Player: Nice! I've never seen a green belt before! Oh, it's called Death's Guard! Oh, and it has "Cannot be Frozen"! YES! Screw you ice mages!

(Player goes back to town and Cain seems excited to talk to him... AGAIN! Sheesh, this guy's worse than a woman...)

Player: Ok... Something about some cube... the Game Cube? Oh man, maybe I can get some minigames... boy I could use a little Tetris right now... ok, on to the hunt!

(Lots of killing later)

Player: Um.. this is just some stupid box... Other than its shape, there is no resemblance here to the GamKu whatsoever! What's that Cain? I can combine arrows to make bolts in here? REALLY? So I can go and buy 3 sets of arrows, and then make some bolts! ...why not just buy the stupid bolts in the first place? Saves me some time and money... this sucks! No, you know what, YOU suck Cain.

(Little does he know he can transmute all those stupid chipped gems that fill up his inventory.)

(Act 2 is actually pretty passive... won't notice you played it... Ok, maybe I just have no material for this act, ok? Screw you! I'm just gonna skip to the end where you get to Duriel... ok, fine, the stupid Summoner, THEN Duriel.)

Player: That's it? I just got one shot on him and he died? What the hell kind of summoner is that? I had more trouble killing stupid maggots than I did with this pussy of a sub-boss! And I thought I would see something like Bahamut be summoned by the SUMMONER.. but nooo... he just cast stupid Ice spells which I'm like immune to due to my awesome green belt of DEATH!

(Player eventually makes it into the right tomb)

Player: Man, finally! I went to all the wrong tombs... started to feel like stupid Mario Bros. again...
Player: Ok, well, Cain said I have to transmute this stupid staff and amulet... man I hate saying bye to such a good amulet... sigh... back to using my stupid +2 to light radius...

(Player transmutes, and puts the staff in the slot).

Player: Ok, time for the next boss... Duriel won't kill me like SpiderBoobs did; he doesn't have boobs... At least I hope he doesn't... I don't know how to fight man-boobs...

(Player jumps into mysterious hole and before he knows it, some large, stupid looking creature rams his ass against the wall.)

Player: Aaaahhh! Why the hell am I frozen? I have this belt that clearly says I can't be! Piece of shit belt of thousand lies... deceive me for an entire act and now show your true self against a boss? I'm gonna sell you when I get out of here... and to the old lady from Act 1! HA! Take THAT!... oh, shit, this bitch is tough... stupid Duriel... CHAAARRRRGGGEEEE!

(9 town portals, 72 potions, and 52,394 gold pieces later...)

Player: BITCH! All that and all you drop is a fing id scroll?

(The words coming out of Player's mouth for the next 2 minutes have been censored, but would sound something like "I'm upset with you, Duriel. I spent much in resources, and now I am broke and can't resurrect my helpful and greatly appreciated hireling. Better rewards have come my way from the sky as birds fly by. I hope you live a more peaceful life in heaven.")
(Player makes his way to act 3, but not before having to talk to three people in a specific order, and selling that stupid green belt of treachery.)