Still digressing from a previous storyline (ha, what a joke), I bring you THE JACKS. Yes, that's plural. Ok then.
Jack Aubrey, Captain of the HMS Surprise, strolls along the shoreline, lost in thought. Not until he walks headlong into a gallows does he look up. Hanging there, one foot propping his weight from the ribcage of another long-dead pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow grins.
"Cut me down, wont you?" Jack Sparrow whispers around the choking noose.
"I'll do no such thing." Jack Aubrey looks distastefully at the pirate. He begins to walk again when a flurry of activity catches his eye on his right, farther inland. He sees some bright colors and much movement.
Still completely ignoring Jack Sparrow, Jack Aubrey, heads towards the activity. The strangest sight then assaults his eyes. A young boy in a blue tunic is wrestling with a lanky lad. The boy in the blue tunic is very abnormal. It takes Jack Aubrey a full minute to figure out what makes him so different. While observing the scuffling lads, Jack Aubrey realizes that the one has very yellow hair and it stands on end. His eyebrows are bright green and his blue eyes are huge and luminous. Upon his left shoulder is bound a silver pauldron and on his right wrist a vambrace. His feet are bare but wrapped partially in an off-white cloth. The boy is very buff.
After making the realization that this boy is not the normal sort of boy, Jack Aubrey turns his eyes to observe the other scuffling lad. This boy is normal in almost every sense. His hair is brown, though cropped quite short, but his clothing is very odd. He wears trousers, but they are of a strange blue material and seem not to fit well. Upon his feet are two very large, boat-shaped shoes. His shirt is most strange to Jack Aubrey, however. It is very simple, seeming to be an undergarment. The sleeves stop abruptly above the elbow and no lace or fringe decorates it at all. Scrawled across the chest of the green shirt are the letters v-o-l-c-o-m. Jack Aubrey shakes his head in wonder.
After standing for a full five minutes in observation, Jack Aubrey moves to intervene. "Now then, lads, what have we got here?" He asks kindly, laying a hand on each of them.
The boys look startled at first, then ashamed.
"I told him my name and he attacked me," the lanky one in the undershirt states.
Jack Aubrey looks to the other. The boy nods, saying nothing.
"And what, pray tell, is your name?" He turns back to the Volcom boy.
The boy looks confused for a brief moment. "Well, my name is Jonathan Roessler, but my friend calls me Jak. Spelled j-a-k. After him." He jabs his finger in the direction of the other boy. A fire rekindles in the other boy's eyes. Jack Aubrey looks startled.
"I will not lie, it is the first time I have heard Jonathan changed to Jack, and the first time I have ever heard it spelled as such."
The other boy begins scribbling figures in the sand, while the newly introduced Jak Roessler looks longingly at the woods.
While they do this this, a tall, angry looking young man appears. He looks vaguely familiar and it takes Jack Aubrey a few seconds to figure out why. He realizes that this new person looks very like the silent lad. However, this angry man has lank yellow hair and a green goatee. His clothing is rough and tight and he wears steel-toed boots. He also hefts a very odd-looking musket.
This new young person glares at all and sundry. Jack Aubrey is so confused at this point that he decides not to even open his mouth.
"Hey!" Jak Roessler exclaims. "I know him too! That's Jak II." He looks smugly to Jack Aubrey.
"My, my," Jack Aubrey peers at the odd man and decides that Jak Roessler might be a good person to have around.
"I wonder if Jak 3 is here." Jak Roessler muses.
Just then another strange man appears. He grins jovially however, and approaches Jack Aubrey and Jak Roessler. This man wears similar apparel as the last. However, he wears much more armor and the armor is bronze rather than silver. His paired paldrons, greaves, and vambraces compliment his ribbed breastplate. On his shoulder he carries another strange musket. His hair is shorter than both the other odd young people.
"Well, cool!" Jak Roessler hoots. "I made him come!"
"I see you've met the others." Jak 3 motions to his two past selves, "Jak X will be around shortly."
"Nice! I haven't seen much of Jak X." Jak Roessler waits in anticipation.
About that time another young person walks up. This person resembles Jak Roessler more than the other Jaks, both in appearance and dress. However, this lad's hair is even shorter than Jak Roessler's.
"And who are you?" Jack Aubrey asks, hoping he can keep on top of the conversation before it gets out of hand.
"I'm Jack." The young person states. Jack Aubrey notices that his voice is slightly high.
"Jack/Kiera, you mean." Jack Aubrey is only just recovering from the shock of another Jack when this tall girl appears from nowhere. "She's a fake." The girl states.
"Hey!" The first girl pouts.
"Doesn't matter," continues the second, "Some call me Jack, too."
"Jack two?" Jack Aubrey raises an eyebrow.
"No, you looney, Jack, ALSO. Max calls me Jack. She's my friend. We each have about seventy different names. Well, not seventy, I lie, but a great many."
Jack Aubrey rolls his eyes at the chattering girl and begins to walk away.
"Hey, you aren't gonna just leave Jack Sparrow hanging there like that are you?" Jak Roessler yells after him. Jack Aubrey walks faster.
"Tell me, sir, wherever is the train station in this place?" Jack Aubrey is startled by a random gentleman. He quickly glances him up and down and finds that he is appropriately appareled and even speaks with a nicely distinct upper-class British accent. Jack Aubrey sighs in relief.
"My good sir, I know of no such facility upon this island. I arrived by ship, you see." Here Jack Aubrey extends his hand. "I am Captain Jack Aubrey of Her Majesty's Ship, the Surprise."
The other man meets his hand. "I, sir, am Earnest Worthing."
"Finally!" Jack Aubrey exclaims. "a man named other than Jack."
Mr. Worthing looks somewhat uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, Captain, I don't understand."
"Well, it seems everybody on this bloody island is named Jack, even the ladies."
At this Mr. Worthing looks very put out. "Well, my good Captain, I feel I must now confess that my name is, in fact, John."
"Are you then called Jack?" Jack Aubrey is aghast.
"I cannot deny it. Well, I could if I wanted…" He trails off. Jack Aubrey is looking very distressed.
It is then that another very odd man appears. This one is by far the oddest. He seems to be only two-dimensional and wears a very long white robe. He has an impressive sword attached to his back. This man looks rather Asian and very peculiar to Jack Aubrey.
"There is an unfortunate man hanging by the neck down on the beach." The odd man states, concernedly.
"He's a dog!" Jack Aubrey exclaims vehemently.
"Even dogs should not be treated like dogs…" the newcomer says sadly.
Jack Aubrey looks the man up and down once more. "You are Jack, right?"
"That is right!" replies he, "I am Samurai Jack, traveling far and wide to find my destiny."
"Trust me, you won't find it here." Jack Aubrey says with decided sadness.
Jack Aubrey heads off down the beach once more, leaving Samurai Jack and Jack Worthing deep in conversation. He jumps at every noise and glances around frequently, in search of new, unwelcome people who share his name. After several uneventful minutes striding across the sand, Jack Aubrey comes upon a man lying in the sand. He appears to have been hit over the head and is in a dead faint. Knowing of nothing else to do, Jack Aubrey kneels next to the swooned man and rolls him onto his back. This reveals an ever-so-slightly handsome man with a very long and crooked nose. Jack looks about for something to help wake the man up when the unconscious man groans and his eyes flutter open.
"Oh, you woke up," Jack Aubrey states.
"Yeah," the man replies, "I always do."
"And what, sir, is your last name?"
The man gives him a strange look. "Driscoll. I'm a playwright."
"Well Jack Driscoll, what brings you here?" Jack Aubrey says.
Jack Driscoll looks at Jack Aubrey strangely again. "I don't know. I think I may have passed out. It happens a lot." He hangs his head.
"Is that man ok?" A voice behind Jack Aubrey nervously asks. Jack Aubrey turns to see two elderly gentlemen. The one which spoke is decidedly British.
"I think he'll live." Jack Aubrey answers. "And who might you be?"
"Ah, this, sir, is Jack London, famed American novelist." The British man introduces his companion. "We met not five minutes ago on this very beach."
"I don't doubt it." Jack Aubrey mutters.
The man continues. "I am Clive Staples Lewis." Both Jack Aubrey and Jack London grimace. "Yes, I know." Lewis continues, "When I was very young, I renamed myself. You may call me Jack."
"Of course I may." Jack Aubrey is beyond surprise. "Who else will I meet?"
He again walks away before they can ask his name, leaving Jack Driscoll in the care of the two writers.
Jack Aubrey notices an very odd thing about now, I realize that all of this is odd, but now he sees a small child in a bright red suit crawling along in the sand. The baby glances at him and smiles mischievously before disappearing only to reappear a few yards from Jack Aubrey. He starts and peers curiously at the child. The little boy sticks out his tongue and plays with the few hairs on his head. Hairs that, Jack Aubrey noticed, stood straight up.
"Well then little fellow, where's your mum?" The baby coos and seems to melt into the sand. Jack Aubrey catches a glimpse of him floating away down the beach. He shakes his head and continues on his way.
At this point Jack Aubrey finds himself facing a very odd thing for such a place: a wooden door. His curiosity gets the best of him and he tentatively reaches for the handle. Suddenly the door splinters. A huge ax chops it to bits and a large, crazed man leaps through.
"Heeeere's Johnny!" He shouts. After a brief pause, he asks, "Was that good, did I dot it?" He looks about, confused. "Hey? Where'd everybody go?" His gaze falls upon Jack Aubrey. "Where the heck am I?"
"That is the question," Jack mutters and leaves Jack Nicolson puzzling over the remnants of his door.
By this time, Jack Aubrey has walked around the entire island and again bumps into the gallows. He looks up and the very shabby pirate grins at him in a goofy manner.
"Gonna cut me down now?"
"Wouldn't dream of it, Jack."
"Captain Jack…" the pirate mutters.
Jack Aubrey wheels about. "Captain? You are master of a sailing vessel?"
"It is true."
"And your name, in full?" Jack Aubrey prompts.
"Captain Jack Sparrow, of the Black Pearl." His eyes catch a crazed light.
"How does it feel to Captain a pirate vessel and be hanged for it?" Jack Aubrey asks amusedly.
"Ah, it's not so bad," Jack Sparrow answers with a shrug.
"I see." Jack Aubrey moves on again, tracing his previous steps. Soon Jak Roessler greets him, followed by many of the other Jacks/Jaks.
"Hey, guess what loser came by." Jak Roessler says.
"Another Jack, I assume," Jack Aubrey says.
"Yes, Jack from Titanic." Jak Roessler looks disgusted.
Jack Aubrey is confused, but won't admit it. "Oh," is all he says.
"But Jackie Can came by for a bit," Jak Roessler explains. "He taught me how to hit a wall without breaking my hand." He looks excited. "Oh! And Jak X finally made it. He's so cool."
A roar of an engine follows this remark and makes Jack Aubrey jump. Something he is completely unfamiliar with flashes into view. It is a very shiny car, but Jack Aubrey doesn't know that. It screeches to a halt in front of Jak Roessler and Jack Aubrey. A lanky young man leaps from the seat and greets them. Jack Aubrey notices that he is yet another older version of the Jaks. He sighs.
It is about this time when a man in a nice suit walks up to the gathering. He looks very confused. Jak Roessler smirks at him. Jack the tall, talkative girl grins widely. Everyone effectively ignores this new person.
"Excuse me. Would someone tell me where I am? I need to be elsewhere," the newcomer asks.
Jak Roessler sighs. "It's a Jack convention, doncha see?"
"I'm sorry?" The man gives the boy a confused look. "I guess you all don't realize who I am. I'm John Kennedy, President of the United States of America." At this most of the Jacks/Jaks gasp.
"You're dead," Jack the talkative girl says.
"I am Jack's complete lack of surprise," one man states.
"Who?" Samurai Jack asks.
"George Bush is the president," Jak Roessler states.
"Whatever happened to Washington?" One older Jack wonders.
"I climbed a beanstalk," one small boy states proudly.
"Ok, guys, here's the deal. We can all just get out of here if we swim, right?" a portly man says. His eyes hold a vaguely crazed look. "It's like when we were on Skull Island in that one movie, or no! When I was with that Hanks kid about college." The man looks crazier and crazier.
"Hey, do I know you?" Jack Driscoll looks at him strangely. "You look an awful lot like a man I really hate."
"Oooo, sorry about that." Jack Black hides behind Samurai Jack.
"Look, I really don't think that Jack Sparrow is having very much fun," Jack the talkative girl observes.
"I'll bet not," Jack Aubrey replies.
"Fine, I'll cut him down," Jak Roessler takes a pocket knife down the beach towards Jack Sparrow. Jack Aubrey follows apprehensively.
"Hang on there," Jak Roessler says to Jack Sparrow.
"Yes, I am," Jack Sparrow says dryly.
As soon as the rope snaps, every Jack/Jak is returned to his/her appropriate story/time. So there. That is the end of the JACK convention. Remember. You really don't know Jack.
I realize I left out many famous Jacks, but I think I got most of them. If there is a pressing one, lemme know and mebbe I'll write him in.