Diablo 2

Chapter 9: Act 5 - The End of Single Player

Old Lady: Salutations.

Player: Salu what? Why the hell can't you just say hello, or hi, like a normal person? Weirdo.

Nihlathak: Another stupid adventurer. I'll kill you later! I mean... um, yeah, you can gamble some here.

Player: Ok, enough of these stupid characters, I'm gonna go kill some shit.

(Player gets massive slowdown as he finishes the first quest and all those catapults shoot at him where he killed Shank. Player then learns about rune words after saving some faggots who couldn't break cells made out of bamboo)

Player: AHA! That makes perfect sense! Now if I make the sentence "El Sol Tal Mal" which means "The sun is such Evil" and put that into this Armor... AHA... a... um... what the hell is this? This sucks! It didn't make anything? And I can't even use it! I knew it... Spanish sucks... goddamit... Well, at least it sells for 25,000 gold... piece of shoe... Let's hope the next thing doesn't suck.

(Player rescues some bitch in an ice river, who, like Cain, teleports away and does not even ask if Player wanted to come along.)

Player: Well, I didn't want to go with you anyway. You suck!

Old Lady: I'll give you a scroll of resist all +10 PERMANENT.

Player: TIGHTO!

Anya: Here's a special weapon just for you!

Player: A Pike? Did you fail to notice that I am shooting arrows all over the place? Did you not read the last chapter where I shot arrow after arrow at Diablo's ass? What the hell am I going to do with this piece of shit? You want to know how crappy it is? I can't even buy one lousy mana potion from the old lady with the money I get selling this... what the hell... why can't you be like the old lady? What? You have a quest for me now? Ok, I'll only do it cause I hate that Nij... whatever the hell his name is... he made fun of me. Besides, he seemed like a wimp.

(Little does he know that a wimp can still cast Corpse Explosion).

Player: AAAHHH! He blew me the hell up! I can't believe it... Diablo couldn't kill me, but this bitch just blew that guy on the ground and killed me! WTF!

(BOOOM!)

Player: ARRRGGGGHHHHH!

(BOOM!)

Player: Why that son of a bitch... I haven't died since those fetishes in act 3... I finally thought I was invincible, and you go and ruin that for me... oh, you are going to get it!

(Player eventually kills him, and returns for his just reward)

Player: What did you say?

Anya: I said, I will put your name on any item you wish.

Player: So you will put my name on any item, and add superpowers?

Anya: Just your name.

Player: ...

(Slap!)

Player: That's the last time I do ANYTHING for you... I'm gonna go kill some idiots and pretend they are you now. Take THAT!

(Twirly Twirly, Jumpy Jumpy, Throwy Throwy...)

Player: Who the hell are these three morons? I'll be right back with more potions... What the hell? Where did they go? Is the quest over? Did my hireling kill them with his mighty Prayer Aura? What the hell?

(Player eventually figures out that he can't open a town portal during the fight... The Ancients are afraid of blue ovals...)

Player: WOOOOOO! They gave me a whole level worth of experience! Only a few more kills and I level again! Well, let's see what this Valkyre skill is all about.

(Needless to say, Player is super happy to have a sexy partner again! Player goes to try her out and levels again)

Player: Holy Shit! I can now carry 800,000 in my stash? For the past 30 levels I only got up to 200,000 and now I have 800! It's about time... I was starting to get sick of pooping gold... that can't be healthy... Now, Baal, you are next!

(Player gets to Baal's last minions)

Player: Man, that is cool how they make them spawn... But I hate how that stupid Council came back to life yet once AGAIN! They're like some horrible rash. Jesus. Well, let's see who comes after the bat-wing demons... What the hell? Did the game just freeze? No, not before Baal! Why? NOOOOOooooo... oh, it's back... what the hell was that?

(Honestly, "loading" the sprites for those minions on a 2.8 GHz monster should not do this... pathetic.. but anyway...)

Player: Man, these guys are TOUGH! It's like having to kill Izual 8 times! But finally, on to Baal? Hm... hopefully he won't be immune to my deadly arrows as he was just now sitting there casting decrepify on my poor hireling.

(A few guided arrows later)

Player: That was disappointing... Diablo at least looked threatening... Baal looked like some lunatic clown you'd slap around and send back to his nursing home... Well time for the last FMV.

(Player watches awesome FMV where he is told that he failed anyway cause Baal corrupted the worldstone and gets stupid Title of Slayer)

Player: Um... Slayer Ice Queen? It doesn't fit... why the hell can't I have a better title, like "Sexy" or "Delicious"... mmmm... delicious... yummy... Sigh Well, I think I've had my fun with single player... time to see what this Battle dot net is all about...